


Hands Unclean

by The_Onion_Wanton



Series: Hands Unclean [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual Character, Chatlogs, Demonstuck, Family Issues, Mentions of Substance Abuse, Minor Violence, Strilondes, derse dreamers are demons, mentions of past rape/non-con, prospit dreamers are human
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-06-03 06:09:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 87,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6599842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Onion_Wanton/pseuds/The_Onion_Wanton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Two households, both alike in dignity,"</p><p>Life is difficult when your major is useless and your family is not human. / Life is difficult when you're double majoring and you have dead parents to avenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**september 2015**

“Does Dave hate me?“

Roxy tightened her grip on the still steaming cup of coffee, looked up. She’d seen the question coming- perhaps not this early in the morning, but she’d deal- and was mentally prepping herself for this conversation since the day Dave moved into Rose’s apartment almost a fortnight ago.

Didn’t mean she was happy about it.

“No, babe,” she reached over, tousled Dirk’s hair- he hadn’t the time to style it just yet, so it was soft to the touch, a rare opportunity. He scowled. “I’m sure he doesn’t.”

“Does he hate you?”

She’d seen this question coming too- she pursed her lips, raised an eyebrow.

“You know that hate isn’t the only possible motive for someone leaving a flat, right?”

Dirk squinted back at her, bags under his eyes worryingly dark. She sighed, deflated.

“It’s Dave,” she tried again. “He isn’t an easy character to crack.”

“I just don’t get it.”

“You can’t “get” everything,” she muttered. Dirk was frowning at his plate, not eating.

He was still in that position when she left the bathroom half an hour later, dressed and ready to tackle the day; she paused at the doorway, coat mid-way on.

“Dirk?”

“Have a good day,” he nodded, shoving a spoonful of probably cold scrambled eggs into his mouth. Sighing, she slipped the coat off.

“Dude.”

“Go to work.” He pushed the plate away. His skin was worryingly transparent.

“Have you been eating?”

He fixed her with an empty look. “I literally just did.”

She pressed her lips tightly together, stared back at him. He looked away.

“You’ll fuck up your lipstick.”

“It’s lip-stain, it’s non-smudgeable,” she retorted. “And you need to chill.”

“Roxy, go to work.”

A pause. He got up, took his plate to the kitchen. She cursed.

“Not everything is about you, you know?” she threw back as she unlocked the doors- there was no reply. She’d have slammed the doors on her way out, but didn’t want him to take it as a competition.

—

**march 2009**

Cal was awake when Roxy got home, standing mid-corridor. Watching. She let the doors close, met his eyes.

“You’re late.”

“Yes,” she agreed. Her coat was soaked, hair dripping; the spring storm outside was reaching its crescendo. “Traffic.”

“Hm.”

“Can’t sleep?”

Cal’s skin was awfully pale, awfully thin; she often felt as if she could see veins that weren’t supposed to be there, as if the way his bones met wasn’t right, as if the slope of his neck plunged right into the uncanny valley and deeper still-

She cut her thoughts short; metaphors had a habit of getting away from her whenever she drank. She cleared her throat, slid her coat off.

“No,” Cal replied. “Getting water.”

“Hope it helps.” She shook the coat out, laid it out across the back of their leather sofa. He was right in front of Dave’s doors. His hands were stuffed in his pockets. The left one did not look right, did not look like an empty fist. “Good night.”

He didn’t move. She stepped up to him.

“This isn’t your room.”

“I’m going to Dave’s,” she said. “I had a nightmare.”

“On the bus?”

“Yes.”

Neither moved; a Mexican standoff. She blinked, slowly, yawned.

“I’m tired, Cal,” she sighed. He nodded.

“Life is tiresome,” he stepped back. She leaned in, turned the knob. “You look a lot like your father.”

“Huh,” she opened the doors. “Good night.”

Dirk was perched on Dave’s bed, wrapped in a sheet like a cape, both hands wrapped around his mother’s blade. His jaw was clenched, eyes bloodshot.

“Babe.”

“Glad you got home safe,” he breathed. His hands were shaking.

Footsteps echoed down the corridor; all seven feet of Cal moving back to his room.

“You need to do something,” she whispered as soon as the doors closed. “Holy shit, Dirk, you need to do something.”

He licked his lips, shook his head.

“I’m- Dirk.” She breathed, closed her eyes. “Dirk, I’ve decided.”

He wasn’t looking at her. “You’re going away.”

“I need to get him- them, both- we need to get away.” He looked so lost. “We all need to get away.”

“He wouldn’t harm me.”

“Not physically.”

Dirk laughed. Roxy sighed.

“He’ll come after you.”

“I’m good at hiding.”

“Not that good.”

“We’ll see about that.”

A moment of silence.

“Dirk, we can’t stay,” she tried again. “He- can’t- stay.”

He screwed his eyes shut. “I know that.”

“Anywhere is safer-“

“I know!”

She closed her mouth. He inhaled, exhaled. She walked over.

“Dirk,” she grabbed a hold of his hands, made him release the sword. “Dirk.”

He nodded. She pressed a kiss to his head.

“Please, please, please.” His hands were cold, clammy. “Find us first.”

***ooo***  
**september 2016**

“I’m worried about your brother.” Roxy said in place of a greeting, still leaning in to give Rose a firm hug. The latter patted her back, sighed.

“Dave is okay, Rox.”

“Not to imply I believe that,” She pulled back, entered her sister’s apartment- Kanaya was sat cross-legged on the couch, a bowl of noodles in her hands. They waved at each other. “But I was talking about the other one.”

“Oh.” Rose closed the doors, followed her into the kitchen. “Is he doing okay?”

“Is he ever?”

“Don’t ask philosophical questions this early in the morning.”

Roxy laughed, setting her stuff on the dining table. The room was well lit, clean, a faint scent of chamomile in the air. Her sister looked very good, too- a faint hickey on her neck, a healthy gleam to her skin.

“Kanaya is good for you,” she noted. Rose rolled her eyes. “Wow, okay, sorry.”

“What’s wrong with Dirk?”

Roxy slumped. Rose made a move for the kettle- she’d learned to read her sister’s body language long ago.

“He leaves the house once-twice per week, barely showers, can’t remembered the last time I saw him well-fed.” Roxy plopped down into a chair, pulled at her curls. “He also thinks Dave hates us but-“

“That’s not the whole deal.” Rose finished for her. Roxy nodded. “Hm.”

“I’m gonna throw an intervention.”

“That’s a terrible idea.”

Roxy whined, “I know.”

Kanaya appeared at the doorway, empty bowl in hand. Her eyes flew between the sisters. “So, I could not help but overhear-“

“Please do come in.” Rose accepted the bowl, set it into the sink. “We have ninety more minutes before Dave’s back.”

“Is intervention really such a terrible idea?” her girlfriend asked. The sisters shared a look. “I’ll take that as a yes?”

***ooo***

Jake slid down in the chair next to him, yawned loudly. His hair stuck out in every direction, eyes still hazy.

“Morning,” Jane chuckled, placed a cup of coffee before him. “Slept well?”

“Slept great, thank you,” he sipped at the drink, still not entirely focused. John and Jane shared a look, laughed.

Jade peeked into the kitchen, already dressed and ready. Jane handed her a croissant, whispered something under breath.

“Golly, Jane,” Jake muttered. “You’ll steal James’ place in no time.”

“That was the plan,” she giggled, fussing around the kitchen. “You boys both set?”

“Yeah, mum,” John rolled his eyes, munching on the scrambled eggs. “Thanks.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

“Sorry.”

“John.”

He swallowed, beamed up at her. She gave him a head-ruffle, walked out.

Jane was his cousin and only seven years his senior but it still felt like she was in charge. Even Jake, who was technically her uncle, sometimes looked to her for permission; with John’s dad mostly out and Jake’s dad mostly sleeping, she’d taken it upon herself to keep the household running.

Which was good, because nobody else was going to. Jake was now living in Australia most year round and Jade was double-majoring in double-universities and John was – well, John – she’d gotten her fancy language diploma and was now;

Wasting her life, probably. John felt a bit guilty, decided he really hated the feeling.

“What’s the plan for today?” he turned to Jake. The other boy shrugged.

“Do rounds with Jade,” his accent had gotten thicker since the last time they’ve seen each other. “See a movie. Don’t know.”

John nodded. “Sounds good.”

“You?”

“School.”

“Oh, right!” Jake sat up. “Sometimes I forget you’re still there.”

“Hah.”

“What, third year now?”

“Senior,” he corrected. Jake’s laughter gave away the mistake was intentional. “Asshole.”

“Now where’d you pick that sort of language up,” Jake knocked his mug back. “Have fun.”

“You too,” John rolled his eyes. “Don’t get killed.”

“I’m an official citizen of the Down Below,” Jake winked from the doorway, speech somewhat obstructed by the pop tart in his mouth. “If none of the creepy crawleys over there managed to nick me, a bunch of low level pseudo-demons aren’t going to either.”

“Fair point,” John laughed; he’d missed Jake’s way of talking. “See you then.”

Left alone, John checked the phone. TG, his LOL buddy from 2009, was messaging him again. He scrolled past the first five paragraphs, knowing they probably didn’t contain much relevant info.

TG: im a woman scorned

TG: cursing your bloodlines as we speak

TG: turning into a rock that cries a river

EB: Good morning to you too.

EB: You big loser

EB: :B

TG: oh nvm all is forgiven

TG: sup

EB: Just woke up, actually!

TG: oh

EB: Haha you didn’t go to bed yet

EB: You’re totally still up

TG: you cant prove shit

EB: Whatever, nerd.

EB: Don’t oversleep our LOL date tho

TG: ooh its a date

EB: You know what I meant!

TG: too late my sheets are already wet

TG: you turn me into a fifteen year old boy every time you open your mouth

EB: Stop talking about my mouth! You always make it weird

TG: mmmmmmm

EB: Godddd just be there

EB: I have double calc today I think I might die :(

TG: oh dude thats tough

TG: i was pretty okay at that in my time tho if you need any help

TG: actually ill be asleep for the rest of the day youre on your own

EB: Wow

TG: i love you too frapuccino caramella

EB: Go to bed jesus christ

TG: dont say his name in vain

EB: Go to beeeed

TG: <3

(TG is offline)

Chuckling to himself, John put the phone away. When they’d first met, back when John was not even thirteen, James Egbert got really paranoid his new friend was a pervert. Six years later, though, TG was yet to ask for any sort of personal information so….1:0 for John, he guessed. He made most of his friends through the internet. He was a pro at this. 

Another incoming message. John grinned.

TT: You have siblings, correct.

John met TT on a Harry Potter forum some five years ago; they’d gotten into an argument about Snape and then realized they both knew TG (she was actually his sister; that’d been a relief as he was starting to develop a tiniest crush on her and for some reason thought TG would be competition, lmao) (she turned out to be a lesbian so that didn’t work out but ehhh) (dating Snape apologist was probably a bad idea anyways).

 

EB: cousins*!! But yes

EB: I mean, correct** :B

TT: Sigh.

TT: Do you ever find them infuriating?

EB: Yes but that’s normal!

EB: Is there a problem?

EB: Lay it on me!!! 

EB: !!!

TT: Are you this excited about the prospect of being the therapist for once?

EB: Yes!!!

TT: Sigh.

TT: My brother is being difficult on purpose.

EB: Which one?

TT: Both one.

EB: Wow, that’s difficult

TT: ;)

EB: ;B

EB: I really need to go to school, though!! 

EB: TG and I are playing in the afternoon, feel free to join :)

TT: League of Legends, hm?

TT: I’d love to but alas,

TT: I am not a virgin. 

EB: Oh fuck you too

TT: <3

EB: <333

 

—  
GG: my cousin is back!!! My cousin is back

GG: i have company on work again!!

TT: That is lovely.

TT: Give him my greetings.

GG: hahha sure

GG: “hey (secret cousin name) this one drarry shipper I met on internet whose name I don’t even know says hi !! “

TT: Well, when you put it that way…

GG: Right!!! 

GG: Can’t let him know I’m socializing with DRARRY SHIPPERS

TT: …

TT: Don’t ever let the word change you.

GG: <333333

 

—

EB: Wow, that was uncalled for!

EB: this was super, super uncalled for!!

EB: this is like, 17th century and phones are yet to be invented uncalled for!!!

TG: well hold onto your knickers cause its march 10th 1876 and somebody wants to see mr watson

TG: ring ring hey whats up oh yes sir ill kick EcoBoobytraps preteen ass in lol if you insist

TG: hes a dear friend but i darent disobey daddy dom bell

TG: consider it called for

EB: You’re such a virgin, oh my god

EB: Also I’m eighteen so shut your mouth :B

TG: that sounds like something a thirteen yo would say no offence

EB: Your face sounds like something a thirteen year old would say!!

TG: holy shit

TG: fucking decimated

EB: Damn straight!

TG: thats heterophobic

EB: Hahaha what??

TG: nvm i forgot im not on tumblr

TG: anyways serving you your ass on a fucking 1v1 platter was nice af but duty calls

EB: What duty? You’re taking a gap year doofus

TG: aw you remembered

EB: That’s all you talk about!!

TG: i love you too sweetheart pumpkinmunch

EB: ewwww TG cooties

TG: stop ill nut

EB: Go away!!! Go away hahahah

EB: Jerk off in dark or whatever it is gap year students do in their spare time :P

EB: I have homework anyways.

TG: sweet child

EB: Aren’t your hands busy already

TG: maybe im rutting against the printer

EB: It’d be funny if I didn’t know you probably are 

EB: Picture me gagging

TG: …

EB: Not like that!!! Ewwwwwwwwwwww

TG: denying too hard there bro

EB: Eat a shit!

TG: kinky

EB: I’m logging off

EB: Hope your hand cramps

(EB logged out)

TG: <3

—

Kanaya watched her girlfriend’s brother giggle to himself, phone cradled to his face. She met Rose’s eyes, raised an eyebrow; the fellow sighed, shrugged.

“Going out?” she called out; Dave’s eyes didn’t leave the screen.

“Yeah,” he typed something down. “In a minute.”

“Alone?”

He hummed. Rose sighed, exasperated.

“Are you going feeding?”

“Do you really need to call it that, jesus,” he scoffed, still not looking up.

“I’m sorry my terminology offends.”

“Stop being so fucking technical, jesus.”

“That’s hardly technical,” she wasn’t backing down. Kanaya wondered if she ought leave the room. “If I was aiming at technical, I’d have asked if you were about to have unsanitary and unprotected sex in public bathrooms belonging to underground gay clubs again.”

Leaving the room it was. Dave slammed the phone down, glowered.

“Jesus christ, Lalonde.”

“Well,” she blinked. “Are you?”

“Why are you so fucking obsessed with my sex life.”

“Why are you so adamant about risking your safety?”

Kanaya cleared her throat. Both siblings backed down, looked away.

“If I may,” she started, not really caring for permission. “Isn’t Sollux free tonight?”

Dave shrugged. Rose tilted her head.

“Ne’s feeling dysphoric so that’s off the table,” he said. Rose face fell in her palm.

“Do you ever think this sort of information is something ne wouldn’t like having shared?” Kanaya tried.

“Nah,” was Dave’s reply.

“Couldn’t you at least bring a wing-person?” Rose asked. “Roxy’s free.”

“Oh, yeah, pussy hunting with my older sister, why didn’t I think of that,” Dave deadpanned. “Stop acting like you’re my mum.”

“Well you don’t have one, so-“

“Rose-“ Kanaya tried.

“I might as well be the one-“

“ _Rose_ -“

Dave got up without a word. They stared each other down for a moment, air heavy; he slammed the doors on his way out.

“Rose,” Kanaya sighed. Her girlfriend’s face fell.Dave’s footsteps could be heard echoing down the stairs.

***ooo***

Dirks’ calculus notes were strewn across the table, forgotten. His head felt like it was about to implode.

They were well into October and the autumn was progressing nicely, but despite the all of his windows being wide open, despite being dressed in nothing but a tank top and boxer-briefs, Dirk felt as if he was going to overheat. There was a thick layer of cold sweat covering his skin, hair stuck to his forehead. His lips felt dry. His throat felt hoarse. He couldn’t move.

Wind shook the tree crown outside. A car was honking. There was a distant sounding laughter coming from his closet.

“There isn’t,” he muttered. He knew it wasn’t real because straining his ears didn’t make it louder, headphones weren’t blocking it out- he still pressed both palms against his ears, grit his teeth together.

“I have miscalculated,” he whispered. The laughter reached a deafening crescendo. He let his head drop against the desk, against the papers- he considered phoning Roxy, decided against it.

He needed to get a lock. Multiple, maybe. He’d look into getting a safe installed. He needed to get out of the house. He needed to-

The laughter plunged into silence. He ceased applying pressure to his ears, took a deep breath.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kiss,consume (p2 of the series) ties directly into this chapter so if you haven't already pls go read that !

“So your species is split into two categories.“ Karkat was staring at his hands.

“Yes.”

“With names that couldn’t be any less flattering.”

Dave laughed, “yes.”

“And the categories are not biologically determined.”

“Well, they are,” Dave explained. The PowerPoint was still on the last slide, a picture of SpongeBob in a blue wig. “It’s just that it’s— okay, you know eye colour?”

Karkat blinked, “I’ve heard of it.”

Dave nudged him, snorted. “We don’t have recessive or dominant genes; we just have. Uh.”

“Genes?”

“Yeah.”

“Kind of like your species doesn’t have a name?”

“’Demons’ is widely accepted.”

“And also a slur?” He gestured towards the laptop. “Your presentation said it’s a slur.”

“Look, I’m not here to discuss my species half-baked discourse.”

“Oh my god.”

“Anyways, it’s determined by. Like. Three genetic sets, I think?” Dave leaned back, gesticulating wildly.

“You think?”

“They don’t cover my species’ biology in high school, okay.”

Karkat laughed.

Dave smiled. “So, yeah. It’s really random, what you come out as.” He shrugged. “But you know it’s going to be one of the two.”

“Saprophytes or parasites,” Karkat nodded. “Those names are terrible. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again because they’re fucking terrible.”

“They’re correct, though?”

“Why did you name yourself after the way you feed?”

“I don’t know, it’s been like this for centuries.” Dave stopped as Karkat started laughing. “Man, I’m spilling some prime inside information here, do you need to laugh every five minutes?”

“Sorry, sorry,” Karkat pulled himself together, sat up straighter. Dave grinned.

“You can laugh,” he added. “I was joking.”

“Wow, thanks,” Karkat rolled his eyes. “Anyways— saprophytes. Dead stuff?”

“Yeah.”

“Elaborate?”

“They feed on dead stuff.”

Karkat glowered.

Dave laughed.

“You’re so terrible.”

“I love you too.” Dave paused, awkward. “Anyways!”

“Anyways!”

“They need to be near, uh, decaying organism, to survive.” He was looking away, tips of his ears bright red. “Like, my sister—“

“The lesbian one?”

“No, the other one.” Dave shook his head. “Her name is Roxy. She has dead plants in her room, they keep her fresh, all that.”

“Hm,” Karkat leaned against the couch, frowned. “So, it doesn’t need to be human decay?”

“Yeah, no, thank jesus,” Dave laughed. “Have you any idea how hard it be for people to explain keeping a corpse in their room? Don’t know what kind of campus brochures you’ve been receiving but — ”

Karkat ignored the image. “But it can be?”

“It can be spoiled dairy products if you’re desperate.” Dave nodded. “I mean, the more complex the organism, the better. Roxy needs a lot of flowers, most of the time, as plants are fairly simple. Aradia— this girl I know— her sister is a mortician so they just like. Have bi-weekly hangouts in the morgue and are peachy.“

Karkat was just about to gloss over that image too when his brain clicked. “Wait— Aradia Megido?”

Dave pressed his lips together, went pale.

Karkat’s eyes widened. “Holy shit, it’s her?”

“No,” Dave lied, badly.

“She’s a demon!”

“Wow, bro, calling your pal a slur—“

“She’s Sollux’s— ah, something.” He paused. It hit him like a monstertruck. Dave had that look on his face again, the ‘oh crap’ one. “Holy _shit_.”

“No, no, stop that thought.”

“Sollux isn’t human either.”

“Of course he’s human, don’t be ridiculous.” Dave deadpanned. “He feeds me.”

“He what now?”

Dave’s whole face flushed. Karkat’s mind was reeling.

“Oh my god— you’re a Parasite.”

“Now that’s kinda rude—“

“Parasites feed of human energy through bodily liquids,” he quoted the power point. He felt slightly hysterical. “Blood, of course. You fed off me.”

“Well, yeah,” Dave’s face was dangerously red. “Did you seriously just figure that out now?”

“All of this is a lot to wrap your mind around, okay?!”

“K, shut up.” Dave sat up, sighed. “Yeah, I’m a Parasite.”

“So, basically a vampire?”

Dave fell back with a dramatic groan. Karkat laughed.

“No, but seriously,” Dave sat back up again. “All of the folk stories about vampires and incubi and stuff are because of us.”

Karkat stopped laughing. Dave’s eyebrows flew up.

“Incubi?”

His eyes looked nervous. “Yeah?”

“Like, the sex demons?”

Dave swallowed.

“Oh my god, bodily liquids,” Karkat’s brain seemed insistent on processing information at the worst possible moment. “Not just blood. Oh.”

“Mhm.”

“You feed through sex— oh my god.” He stopped, got up. “Oh my god, you feed— that’s what Sollux—“

Dave’s face was red. Karkat could feel his own heat up.

“Did Sollux think we fucked?”

Dave was laughing. Karkat was having a fucking stroke and Dave was laughing.

“Well, kind of,” he panted. “I mean, your innocent cereal reply killed those suspicions at the root but—“

“Oh my god!”

“Yeah,” Dave wiped at his eyes. “Sit down, jesus.”

“You’re a sex demon?”

“That’s one name for us,” Dave watched him sit back down. “People dislike it as a rule.”

“Oh,” Karkat nodded. “Gotcha.”

“Yeah,” Dave shrugged, avoiding his eyes. “Kanaya really hates that name being used, for example; I know Rose hates it too—“

“Kanaya?” Karkat interrupted. “It’ll be really weird if it’s her but—“

Dave was scowling.

Karkat’s jaw fell open. “Kanaya Maryam?”

“I keep fucking up today,” Dave stated matter-of-factly.

“No, no, fuck, no.” Karkat got up, paced backwards. “No. Kanaya’s human.”

Dave’s eyes turned unreadable.

“Holy shit, fuck, _no_.”

“You know her?”

“She was one of my closest friends since childhood?” He turned around, pressed a hand to his mouth. “What the hell. What— shit— holy fuck, oh my god?!”

“She is human,” Dave spat out. Karkat stopped pacing. “She’s just really involved with us.”

Karkat stood frozen.

“She’s dating my sister.”

“Oh.”

“Nice to see what you really think of us, though.”

Karkat’s face fell. “Dave—“

“Never mind,” he turned around, shut the computer off. “Any other questions?”

—

**may 2012**

 

TT: My point being,

TT: Women are beautiful and I am glad I am not heterosexual.

GG: Hahah right

GG: Im really happy for you two!! Your girl sounds lovely :D

TT: As nice as it feels to call her “my girl” we are yet to start dating.

TT: Do not encourage my hopeless fantasies.

TT: Sigh.

GG: Oh shoosh!!

GG: You’ve been talking to this girl for MONTHS and lets be real NO ONE could do that if they didnt care about you a whole lot !

GG: I mean it in the best possible way :B

TT: Oh stop it, you.

TT: I’ve been made to blush.

GG: :D

TT: <3

TT: Anyways.

TT: Enough about my Girl Troubles.

TT: How have you been faring today?

GG: Pretty good! Weather is nice

TT: Mhm.

TT: It’s quite nice here as well.

GG: And my plant stopped dying so ! Score :B

TT: I knew you had it in you.

GG: Hahah yeah

GG: Okay actually

GG: I’m doing really terribly

GG: I’m so sorry I’m raining on your parade but I can’t stop crying

GG: and

TT: Oh no.

TT: Oh (what im sure is a wonderful name) don’t apologize.

TT: Do you want to talk about it? I promise not to make any jabs at your subconscious desires. We both know it’s just my way of teasing the boys.

TT: GG? Please respond.

GG: Im sorry!! im sorry im so stupid

GG: My aunt is dead

GG: We just found out

GG: And I didn’t even know her that well and my cousin is so broken about it but instead of comforting her I’m here making a huge deal out of it

TT: Oh sweetheart.

TT: You are not being silly.

TT: I am so sorry for your loss. I know this hurts.

TT: You should never apologize for your emotions. It is not like you can help feeling them.

GG: I’m so sorry

GG: Gosh im stupid!!

GG: It’s just that

GG: Everyone is dying!! Everyone in my family just keeps

GG: My mum is dead and my dad is dead and now its just my grandpa and my one uncle and I cant do anything about it!!

GG: I hate the world I hate everything !!! It’s not fair its not fair

TT: Oh.

TT: I did not know this.

GG: Im sorry im sorry i wanted to share this in a good way

TT: Do not apologize for anything.

TT: You might be one of the strongest people I know.

TT: You are allowed to feel grief. Let it out.

GG: okay

TT: Plus, I doubt there’s a good way of telling someone your parents have passed.

GG: Hahah

GG: True

TT: I do understand how you’re feeling.

TT: Mortality is, well, infuriating to say at least.

TT: Fuck the universe.

GG: Fuck the universe !!

TT: Would you like to stream a movie?

GG: What movie?

TT: Hm.

TT: I feel like today is a Kiki’s Delivery Service kind of day. 

GG: :D

GG: Of course! 

TT: I’ll set up a rabb.it chat

TT: Friendly reminder: you are my friend and I love you.

GG: Ooooh affection!! Are you sure youre feeling ok? :O

TT: Don’t tell my brother ;)

GG: I love you too, doof :))

GG: Please dont die

TT: I’ll do what I can.

TT: Try to stay alive as well.

GG: Gotcha :B

—

**september 2015**

Jade Harley pushed her biomechanics textbook away with a sigh. Her cousin looked up from his comic, frowned.

“Everything okay?“

She rolled her eyes, blew air out of her mouth. “Homework.”

“Bluh.” He nodded, put his comic down. “You look like you need a snack break.”

“I feel like I need a snack break!”

“Snack break!”

The kitchen was mostly empty, Jane and Jake out for patrol and her granddad busy in his workroom. John’s dad was hunched over the counter, decorating a two layer cake with swirls of icing.

She wolf-whistled, walking up to peek at the pastry. “What’s the occasion?”

“Does there need to be one?” James Egbert asked, reaching over the ruffle her hair.

“I’m not complaining!”

John was already rummaging through the cupboard. “Hey, dad.”

“Son,” James greeted him. “How are you two doing?”

“Jade’s procrastinating on her homework.” “John’s reading Captain America.”

They both paused, stuck their tongues at each other. James laughed, returned to his cake.

“I’m proud of you,” he muttered. “Don’t spoil your dinner!”

“Like that’s possible,” Jade noted.

James chuckled in agreement.

“What’s grandpa up to now?” John was busy mixing different flavoured Cheetos into one ball. Jade had long learned not to comment on his eating habits. “He’s been spending a lot of time working lately.”

Jade nodded. “Yeah, I almost miss him singing in the shower.”

James grimaced. “It’s an after-dinner topic, I fear.”

The mood dropped so suddenly Jade thought she might’ve physically felt it. John stopped his snack-mixing, set the bag down.

“Is everything okay?” She asked. Any appetite she had had was long gone.

The last time they had an after-dinner topic, Jane’s mum had died.

“Everyone is okay, children,” James reassured. (She’d been his sister).

“But?” John prompted, blunt as ever. James sighed.

“After dinner.”

 

—

 

Roxy woke up to the buzz of her phone; she stretched out over the sea of papers, picked up.

“Wh’t?”

“If you out a person while trying to explain your species to a human is it still an asshole move because like, I wouldn’t have done it but he was figuring shit out plus he lives with Sollux and I couldn’t really lie because I already bit him and he wasn’t having that, he’s not the type to put out on the first date and I was pretty sure we were getting somewhere but then he pulled that ‘I don’t want demons in my friend chat!’ and ‘sex demons aren’t sexy if you’re this straight edge’ and now I’m not-“

“Holy shit, Davey.”

He stopped talking. She inhaled, exhaled.

“I fucked up.”

“Do you want me to come over?”

A beat. “Please?”

“Okay,” she got up, searched for some sort of clean pant-wear.

“Can you not-hang up?”

“I can call you on the phone.”

Another beat. “Okay.”

“I’ll call in a sec,” she made sure she could see the phone before hanging up; Dave picked up after the first bell.

“Are you safe?” She asked, slipping on a pair of sweats and some flip-flops. “Do I need to bring anything?”

“Maybe some baking soda, I fucked up like ten towels.”

She didn’t allow herself to pause. “Do I want to know.”

“I’m sort of drunk also.”

“Holy shit, just don’t move.” 

She stumbled into the living room, searching blindly for the car keys. Fridge doors closed; Dirk walked into the living room, scowling.

“Rox?”

“Your brother calls,” she explained,finally locating the keys. Her brain was still sort of asleep-y.

“My brother?”

“He’s your brother at 3 AM.”

“It’s half past four.”

She sighed. “Not helping anyone’s case there.”

“Sorry.”

She took a moment to get a good look at him— well, as good of a look as she could in the mood-lighting— before opening the front doors.

“Try to get some sleep?” she asked. Dirk bit his lip, shrugged. “I’ll keep you updated.”

“Sure.”

She closed the doors as quietly as possible. The night was chilly, her sweater too thin.

There was a stray cat sleeping in front of their building; it was rustled awake with Roxy’s exit, meowed unhappily. 

 

“Sorry,” she breathed, unlocked the car. The cat rushed across the street, disappeared into an alley. “Yeah, me too.” 

—

Sollux walked in without knocking; Aradia looked up from the couch, beamed.

“Oh no,” she deadpanned, still smiling. “A burglar.”

“I’m here for your dead shit,” ne deadpanned back. “Where’s Fef?”

“Taking a bath.” Aradia scooted on the couch, making space for nem. Sollux wasted no time sitting down, relaxing into the material. The thing was dark red, very comfortable. Ne’d have to get them help him pick out a better couch; Karkat’s and nirs was starting to smell weird.

“You’re not going to join her?” 

She snorted. “Not in the mood.”

“Can I join her?”

Ne got an elbow to the ribcage; doubled over.

“You deserved that.”

 

“Agreed.”

“Want some tea?”

Ne was still rubbing at the forming bruise. “You’re so weird.”

She ended up making tea; Sollux followed her to the kitchen, stood there leaning across the counter as she sliced up fruit.

“Can I just ask,” ne nabbed a piece of grapefruit, swallowed it. “How lesbian does one need to be to go vegan even though they literally feed off dying animals?”

“Dying is a part of the living experience,” she replied without missing a beat.

The kitchen doors opened. “But she is very lesbian, too!”

Aradia smiled up at her girlfriend; Feferi’s long hair was wet and braided, bathrobe bright pink and fluffy.

“Hey, Sollux,” she greeted, pecked nir cheek. “How are you?”

“The usual.” Ne watched them interact; Feferi kissing Aradia’s ear, Aradia squeezing her hip in return. Nir chest felt hollow. “How bout you two?”

“I got a job in that cute café down the road,” Fef announced, nicked a strawberry for herself. “I’m _super_ excited!”

“Sweet,” ne replied with no real emotion in voice. Feferi didn’t seem to mind. 

“It’s a hipster haven,” Aradia elaborated. “But, vegan hipster haven?”

“Lesbian hipster haven, one would say,” Fef winked at nem. 

Ne pretended to catch it. “You warm my cold heart.”

Feferi curtsied. “Any time.”

“Damara called again,” Aradia spoke up suddenly. “She says things aren’t quieting down.”

Feferi scowled.

Sollux sat up. “Which things?”

“She suspects foul play,” Feferi briefed nem in. “Says people are disappearing and other Demons— uh—”

“Demons is okay.” Aradia pecked her girlfriend’s lips. Sollux looked away. “But, yes, something _really_ big is happening.”

Sollux let a moment pass. “Why are you so excited about that.”

Aradia shrugged. The grin was still on her face.

 

—

John kept watching her over the edge of his comic book, eyes round and worried. She pretended to not notice, faux-focused on the empty worksheet.

“Jade?” He called out.

She breathed out, tried to smile. “Yes?”

“Are you okay?”

She wasn’t. She wasn’t okay.

Theirs was a long line of Protectors. Their great-grandmother had been the one to almost wipe out the entire incubus population of South Florida, John’s and Jane’s grandfather worked Prague for most of his life, and Jane’s dad worked with hers that one year in Japan. Hell, Jake was mostly employed in Australia, if that wasn’t going global then she’d—

_Point being_ , they were good. They were respected. They were government employed to keep the civil population safe from any supernatural forces threatening their well-being; Harley was a name with a good deal of expectations on it.

And they’d fucked up yesterday.

It wasn’t planned, they didn’t plan on it; the guns just happened to be in Jake’s trunk and _he_ just happened to be walking out of the bar.

To say they had history would’ve be an understatement. Jake was seven years old when his mother killed his sister— his sister and Jade’s mother and his family got John’s mum too, John’s mum and both Jane’s parents and both Jake’s sister and fuck—

She pressed an open palm to her mouth; John jumped up.

“Jade?!”

“Go away,” she rasped; he didn’t.

“Jade, you’re freaking me out.”

Her eyes were burning; she’d been so close but he slipped out of her grasp and latched onto Karkat— Karkat, who hadn’t known or just acted really well and she honestly couldn’t decide which option she liked less and he disappeared and now they had bad news and if it was because they got revenge— if it was her fault—

“I’m getting dad!”

“No!” She sat up, angrily rubbed at her eyes. “I’m okay. Sorry. Tired.”

John paused at the doorway, not convinced. Jade liked how honest his eyes were.

He wouldn’t be a hunter. She knew that and Jane knew that and Jake still hoped and she really hoped James wouldn’t make him.

She reached out, pouted.

He walked over, ruffled her hair. “Let’s watch a movie or something?”

She smiled, “sounds good.” 

—

Dave was sat on the couch, red-faced and moping.

Roxy slipped off her coat and rushed over. “Babe?”

“I fucked up,” he stated. She pursed her lips, stroked his hair. “Shit, Rose will kill me.”

“Wanna tell me what happened?” She sat down next to him, pulled her coat over his shoulders. “But, like, with regular breathing and all.”

He opened his mouth, closed it. She nodded, patted his back.

“I got attacked.”

Fifteen minutes later, he was retching into the sink. Roxy rubbed soothing circles into his back; he was sweaty, feverish. His retelling of the night’s events was still not fully sunk in.

“Ha,” he gasped. “We’re all going to die because I got the hots for a pretty straight guy.”

“We’re not.”

“Homoerotic subtext truly kills.”

“Dave.”

“Rose will have a field trip with this, ‘sometimes the cigar is the knife you stab in your sister’s back—’”

“Davey,”

“Kanaya, shit, I’ll never get that jacket fitted now will I.” He pressed his head against the sink tiles. “I’ll be buried in plaid.”

“Shh.”

“I’ll die dressed like a futch.”

“Oh my god.”

“Jane Crocker will bury me in a ditch sometimes on the other side of Kansas and I won’t even look good enough to tempt her out of her goody two shoes fitted pants.”

“I love you so much.”

“The little one will die a virgin and won’t even mind.”

“You mean Egbert?”

“I’m sleepy.”

“Woah, no way.”

His rambling eventually turned incoherent; Roxy half-dragged him to his bed, tucked him in. Rose and Kanaya got home just as she finished compiling the hangover kit (that was, in all fairness, just a bottle of water and a plastic bag to vomit in but _hey_ , she tried), frozen at the doorway.

“Roxy?”

“Hey there, ladies,” she hummed from the kitchen. “Had a good night?”

At least both of them looked sober.

Rose frowned, sniffed the air. “Why does my living room smell like cognac.” 

Roxy snorted. “Your brother finished off the bottle.”

Rose placed a finger to her temple, sighed. “I am not even surprised.”

“I’d be worried if you were,” Roxy took a good look at her. “You look v nice.”

Rose shrugged, smoothed down her floor-length skirt. “Thank you.”

“Both of ya,” she waved at Kanaya, who blushed in return. “I’ll just drop these off at Dave’s room.”

“Is everything okay?” Kanaya asked. Roxy really wanted to lie.

“No,” she admitted, after a lengthy pause. “We might have a teeny tiny problem.” 

—

The dinner was tense; Jade kept meeting Jake’s eyes across the table, teeth worrying her lower lip. He chewed mouthful after mouthful without detecting the taste, stomach churning.

He screwed up.

He’d just gotten back a week ago; as happy as he was to see his (remaining) family alive and well he still felt… stagnant? Useless? Aranea kept him updated on the situation Down Under but it wasn’t like he could get there in time if anything were to happened and now his darn-awful restlessness resulted in that unplanned attack and the younger Strider getting away—

Jade briefed him in on what James had told her; his only comfort was that if Dirk wanted revenge, Jake’d have been the first on the list.

A brief flashback of that summer: them treading through currents, the taste of mint ice cream. He blinked, forced it away.

_Who said he’d let you die?_

The knife dropped from his hand. His father met his eyes from the other end of the table; Jake flushed, continued cutting the meat.

They’ve never cleared the table out faster.

“You’re excited,” Albert noted. Jane sent him an exasperated look.

“What happened?” Jade was not in a beat-around-the-bush mood. Jake could relate. “We know something happened.”

“No one is dead,” his dad answered the unsaid question. Jake felt his chest de-constrict. “Yet.”

Jane blinked. “Sir—“

“Don’t be dramatic, Albert.” James rubbed his temple, cracked a smile. “There’s a mission coming up.”

There was a collective exhale. Albert giggled.

“Don’t relax just yet,” James warned. “I didn’t want to get you involved at all.”

“But I made him.” Albert winked. John gave a nervous chuckle. “No one will be forced to participate, of course; we just thought you might want to.”

“What are we talking about,” Jake asked. He already knew the answer.

“Is this why he was called back?” Jade was half way up. “Are we taking them down?”

Both men kept calm. John looked scared, Jane looked determined.

“We’ve tracked them down,” James stated. “We’ve tracked their contacts down.”

They’d have to tell them about Karkat. Jake’s blood started boiling with a familiar adrenaline rush.

“Strider-Lalondes and we go a long way,” Albert mused, combing back the greying locks. “I’d like to see it all wrapped up while I’m still young.” 

Jade snorted. Albert fixed her with a mock-glare.

“My own granddaughter,” he mused. Jade stuck her tongue out.

“Uh,” Jane cleared her throat. Both men looked up. “Could we, in theory...veto someone’s participation?”

John took the hint. He stared up, frowned.

“Jane,” James started. “I know you worry, but - “

“He’s still in high school!” She insisted. “Mister Harley, please—”

Albert coughed, looked away. She sighed.

“James, he’s too young!” 

“He’s eighteen—”

“He can’t even drink yet!”

John stood up, cut them both off. His face was red.

“I’m still here, you know.” He spat out; Jane looked down. “And— fuck—”

James said, “Language.”

“If they killed my mother, I think I get to….“ He paused, sat back down. No one was looking at anyone’s face.

“Public vote?” Jane suggested. John opened his mouth again.

“No.” James sat up. “It’s his personal choice.”

“What if he dies?”

“What if you die?” John interrupted.

“John, please—“

“You’re only twenty-four yourself, don’t give me this bull— this— _this_.” He flailed his hands emphatically. “I need to start somewhere.”

“You don’t.” Jade’s voice was meek. It was collectively ignored.

“You all have until tomorrow evening to think it through,” Albert concluded. “I repeat, no pressure.”

There was a heavy silence. James clasped his hands together, smiled. “Does anyone want a cake?”

John excused himself; so did Jane. The remaining four sat in awkward silence, the heavily decorated desert almost satirical in context.

“John is not made to be a killer,” Jade finally whispered. They didn’t ignore her this time.

“Jade,” Albert started. “Do you consider yourself a killer?”

Jade shrugged. “I’ve killed.”

“Demons, yes.” He pushed the empty plate away, leaned in. “I know what they look like but they’re not—“

“I understand that it’s necessary,” she cut him off.

“But you still think it’s evil?” Jake wasn’t sure why he decided to speak up, but alas. “You think we’re all, what, murderers?”

She bit her cheek. “No.”

“Then what?”

“Jake,” James warned. “It’s late.”

He groaned— still got up. 

John was sitting on the staircase as Jake left the room, a finger held to his lips. 

“Sneaky,” Jake noted. “Heard anything you cared to learn?”

John didn’t reply. Jake stalked past him, straight to bed.


	3. Chapter 3

EB: okay group chat time

EB: hypothetically

EB: spite as a motivation y/n

TT: Spite is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. 

EB: i love you too TT

TT: I have an inquiry.

EB: no no my time asking questions

TT: Vetoed.

EB: im starting to REALLY dislike that word 

TT: Why is my annoying sibling in this chat and your lovely, lovely one is not?

EB: because none of your business is why!

EB: also shes my cousin jeez pay attention

TT: eb.

EB: :( sorry

EB: its kind of about her too aagh

TT: Oh?

TT: I am listening.

EB: wow thank you

TT: Shoosh.

TT: And by shoosh I mean keep talking.

TT: :3c

EB: aag yikes okay so

EB: i need to make a Huge decision

EB: and my dad really wants me to agree to it

EB: its like. ok my dad wants me to do a family thing

EB: but all the girls in my family think im not ready

EB: and its really pissing me off!!! 

TT: I see.

EB: like. I know im the youngest but im not a child??

TT: I understand.

EB: i know im not the maturest but

TT: Understatement.

EB: oh shut up

TT: Apologies. My humour is a bit unwanted in this situation.

TT: I am sure you’re more than capable of succeeding in anything you put your mind too.

EB: hah thanks

EB: <3

TT: Don’t mention it.

TT: <3

TT: However,

TT: In this situation which I assume to be quite life-altering,

TT: I sincerely suggest you put your wishes first.

EB: heh 

EB: ok

TT: Do you want to do this family thing?

EB: i

EB: thats the problem!!!

EB: I dont know!!!

EB: i dont want to have to decide!!!! I want to be an adult but also

EB: i dont want to !!!

TT: I see.

EB: ughh sorry

TT: Don’t apologize.

TT: I really do relate.

TT: John, you don’t need to prove anything to anyone.

EB: easier said than done

TT: …

TT: True.

EB: :B

EB: anyways

EB: where’s tg?

TT: Sleeping into what I hope to be the worst hangover of his life, probably.

EB: oooh

EB: whys he hungover on a weeknight?

TT: I have my theories.

TG: word

TT: Sigh.

EB: good morning !! 

TG: i will die

TT: If I only were so lucky.

TG: harsh

EB: hehehhe

EB: this convo is really helping 

TG: i will die

TT: Yes. 

EB: oooh

TG: was that a threat

TT: I don’t know, “bro.” Is there a reason for me to threaten you?

TG: shit

TG: just do it quick

EB: ooooh what did you do

TT: Feel free to explain, brother dearest.

TT: I have damage control to do.

TG: i love you too

EB: bye rose !!

EB: what did you dooo

TG: i fucked up a little

TG: but what else is new

 

__ 

 

Karkat got home around four in the morning and walked straight to bed, shoes and jacket still on. His brain was stuck in overdrive, repeating words over and over again until they were just white noise. He couldn't remember falling asleep; suddenly it was eight AM and his classes were starting soon and—

Fuck.

He wasn't going.

Not that he was tired (he was always tired) or that he just wasn't feeling Contemporary English Language (was that even possible to be up for though)—

Jade Harley had a gun and now, probably, a grudge too.

He sat upright in bed, shoes still fucking on, head swimming.

It just wasn’t safe.

He’d have to talk to Sollux.

Sollux wasn't home, as per usual; somebody else, however, was. Not Dave— finding him in their apartment at early morning hours would’ve been less surprising than Sollux actually being home. He didn't know this person.

He cleared his throat. They looked up from their book— no, Karkat's book, that was definitely his book, but fuck it he didn't know this person and they were in his place so they could keep it as long as –

“Karkat Vantas?” they asked. Their eyes were soft, clear pink; Karkat swallowed, taken aback.

“Yeah?”

“My name’s Roxy.” They got up, walked over to him. “I’m Dave’s sister.”

_Oh._ “The non-lesbian one.”

“What?”

Fuck. “Nothing!”

“Did Dave talk about me?”

He could feel how red his face was. She snorted; she had Dave’s nose, hair the same silvery shade. Her sweatpants were rolled-up mid-calf, oversized sweater slipping off one shoulder. She had a good inch on Karkat. It was intimidating.

“So,” she went on. “Super sorry to burst into your apartment, that’s probs inappropriate as heck, just that I hadta—“ She paused.

Karkat raised both eyebrows, bracing for impact.

“You made my little brother cry,” she smiled, shrugged as if apologetic. “So I might need to beat your ass up, but I’m not sure yet.”

“Oh.” His mind blanked. “That’s fair.”

She winked.

He felt his cheeks heat up further. “Dave cried?” was all he could manage.

She sat back down, chuckled. “Shoosh.” A hand motion, inviting him to join her. He did so, albeit a bit reluctantly. “So you know ‘bout us.”

He nodded, not yet trusting his vocal chords.

“How well did Davey explain?”

Davey, snort. “Uh, kinda okay?”

She rolled her eyes. He shared the sentiment.

“More largerer issues first, though.” She leaned in. “Are you gonna snitch?”

He blinked. “Uh.”

“Like, I know you’d lie r-n,” she pronounced each letter. “But, can you please not?”

“Snitch to who?” he asked. A beat. “Whom.” A beat. “I’m an English major.”

She beamed up at that. “Rose was going to do that! She dropped out, though, went into Cultural Anthropology.”

“Rose?”

“Other sister.” Roxy winked. “The lesbian one.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.”

A moment of silence.

Karkat cleared his throat. “I’m not going to, uh, snitch,” he promised. “I’m not sure I fully understand but from what I’ve seen—“ He paused.

She was looking at him, face earnest.

“You aren’t harming people, right?”

“No!” she hurried to explain. “I mean, there are some of us who do, I guess, but like, there are bad people too—”

“Huh.”

“So, yeah, as a rule we don’t.” She bit her lip, shrugged. “Like, I feed off shit that’s already dying, ya know? And Dave and Rose just have a lot of sex and stuff.”

Karkat cringed. “Yeah, so I’ve heard.”

“Did ya now?”

He ignored the question. “And you, uh,” he flailed helplessly. She laughed.

“We don’t have any special consent-altering powers or stuff,” she offered. Karkat must’ve looked confused, for she went on. “Like, the succubi lore? The peeps were infidels on their own, no mind-control or whatevs.”

Karkat nodded. His ears felt red. “Good to know.”

“Some people worry boutta—“

“Got it.”

Another awkward moment. Roxy chewed on her thumb.

“Okay, though, powers,” Karkat spoke up again. “You obviously have some.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Why obvi?”

“Dave teleported us.”

She dropped her thumb, sat up straight.

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Both of you?”

“Yeah?”

She cursed. “Those boys will end me.”

“Is that a—“

“It’s just difficult, that all.” She shrugged. “He’s still young, he’s gonna pull something.”

“Can that actually happen?”

“Don’t wanna risk it.”

He nodded. “Okay, but—“

“Yeah, teleportation, really fast too,” she listed off on the fingers of her hand. “Can go longer without food and sleep and water but still need it from time to time— can’t get ill— do age but like, super vital way of aging.” She beamed. “I’ll be a gilf.”

“Can’t wait.” He wasn’t sure why he said that. She was laughing. “Huh. That all?”

“P much.” She leaned back. “I’ll let you know if I remember anything else.”

“Huh.”

Back to the silence. Roxy turned on the TV; he dozed off.

—

TG: hey hey hey

TG: hows my best girl

GG: morning!! im good

TG: awesome

TG: i am dying

GG: :0

GG: well shucks you will be missed :(

GG: imagine a solemn mood

TG: im going to vomit

GG: shh im in mourning

TG: dont drink and drink kids

GG: eat some pickles !

TG: ok

TG: what the actual hell 

TG: do you actually want me to vomit

TG: was our friendship just elaborate emetophilia gratification

GG: ignoring youuu

GG: but really if your body wants to vomit maybe you should?? it knows best

GG: also pickles are good for hangovers :))

TG: ok first of all pickles are disgusting and ive never inserted one into any of my bodily orifices

GG: :/

TG: secondly

TG: why the fuck do you know this

TG: do you drink

GG: i drink a beer now and then!

GG: im not five, doofus :’D

GG: but also my cousin is a total lightweight so i know how to deal with him

GG: eat a pickle!! eat a pickle!!

TG: i am NOT eating a pickle

GG: you gotta!!

TG: jesus i love you but no

GG: heheh

GG: also bananas!! and lotsa lotsa water

GG: dont forget the water!

GG: umm

GG: tuna? i think

TG: you disgust me

TG: i dont think we can be friends anymore this is too much

TG: emetophilia i could stomach

TG: pun not intended

TG: but tuna is just too fucking morally grey for me

GG: awww youre a dear friend to me too tg :D

TG: i might have a banana

GG: im so happy for you

GG: ok so basically water and vitamins!! and good protein

GG: ooh an egg! make yourself an egg

TG: id rather swallow my own vomit than eat an egg what the fuck is wrong with you

GG: ??? what is wrong with YOU

GG: eggs are great!

TG: eggs are chicken abortions

TG: you have a twisted mind

TG: update i found a banana

GG: !! good job

TG: i hate myself

GG: :(

GG: just the hangover or other things too?

TG: oh hangover mostly

TG: i mean other things too but its been pushed to the back until my body stops trying to murder me

TG: im being punished

GG: how much did you drink?

TG: uh like half a bottle

GG: of what?

TG: i have no idea my man

TG: girl* shit sorry

GG: haha its ok its an expression :B

GG: was it like, juicy cocktails or wine or

TG: i think it was brandy or smth

TG: it smelled like shit

GG: :O thats waay too much brandy to drink in one go !! asshole

GG: dont do that?? no wonder your body hates you

GG: drink at least as much water and go back to bed

GG: …

GG: tg?? you there??

GG: you havent replied in a while im getting worried :(

TG: oh hey

GG: !! what the heck

TG: i threw up

GG: oh

TG: also i cant sleep

TG: also my head hurts

GG: :(

GG: take a painkiller?

TG: nah

GG: nah?

TG: im allergic

GG: to all of them?

TG: yes

TG: its a rare condition alright are you going to mock me or help

GG: alright alright jeez :B

GG: just close your eyes and rest

GG: youll feel better soonish

TG: yes

TG: when i die

GG: hahha gosh youre such a drama queen

TG: heartless

GG: <3

TG: <3

—

Jane was, unsurprisingly, already up. Jade stood at the doorway for a second, inhaling the scent of the fresh coffee and warm bread. Sun was just rising; she rubbed at her cheeks, yawned. 

Jane noticed her. “Oh, good morning!” 

“Morning’,” she yawned again— that _had_ to be some sort of good luck. “Slept well?”

“Yes.” Jane appeared amused. “You?”

“Like a baby,” Jade lied. “What’s for breakfast?”

“Nothing yet,” Jane replied. “Sit down, I’ll get you something.”

“I love you.”

“Ho-ho!” 

Jade watched the other girl work. The sleeves of her pyjama top rolled up to her stocky forearms, bed head almost as bad as John’s. She had some flour on her nose. She looked awfully domestic.

“I’m sleepy.”

“You did go to bed pretty late,” Jane agreed. “I’m not used to seeing you up before ten.” 

“And I don’t even have a morning class.”

“Now that’s pure twilight zone material.” 

They shared a grin.

Jane laughed. “Pancakes okay?”

“Pancakes _perfect_!” 

She nearly dozed off as Jane went on working; it was only the sound of a plate being placed before her that got her to wake up. She beamed; the pancakes were chocolate-chip, covered in butter.

 

“You are a life-saver.” Jade accepted the cutlery with a smile, hoping it showed enough gratitude. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Jane flashed her a thumbs up, made a goofy face. “Full time crime fighter, part-time crime fighter feeder.”

 

“Crime fighter sounds so much cooler than Protector,” Jade mused, already munching on a mouthful.

“I’ll talk to Albert about getting the name changed.”

Jade laughed.

Jane sat down next to her, sighed. “I’m worried about John,” she whispered after a minute.

Jade sat her fork down, swallowed. “I know.”

“He’s so—” She paused, sighed. Jade nodded. “I’m not saying he’s not capable, just—”

“Jake chewed me out yesterday,” Jade muttered. “I think I sounded like I think what we’re doing is wrong.”

 

Jane hummed. “I don’t think—”

“I sometimes do.”

They both shared a look.

“Like, don’t get me wrong, I know they need to go, but—” Jane sighed again. “It’s not something you can simply sleep off!”

“Right?”

“He fans flies out of the window instead of killing them!”

 

Jade snorted. “He’s too soft.”

“And that’s a good way to be!”

“I want to be soft.”

Jane pinched her cheek. Jade swatted the hand away, laughing. 

“Bottom line.” She pulled her knees up. “I feel really guilty a lot.”

“I don’t,” Jane whispered. Jade reached out, hooked their ankles together. “That’s the scary bit.” 

—

tg: yooooo

tg: davey davey davey

tg: guess what

TG: morning to you too mum whats up

TG: im great thanks for asking

TG: theres no sun but its too fucking bright and i threw up my banana

TG: how did you live like this for the entirety of high school im asking for a friend also why arent demon painkillers a thing we cant be the only idiots of our species

TG: fuck that was probably super insensitive shit im sorry

TG: please come home and change my sheets i threw up on my pillow

tg: hahahhaha holy shit

tg: nice guess but wrong !

TG: no way i so had it

tg: also ur forgiven both for poking fun at my Addiction which i beat and am now not hungover unlike SOME ;PPPPPPP

tg: and gen albeist lang rose would have ur HEAD

tg: also i cant come im busy

tg: bzzzzzzz

TG: what what

TG: busy with what

TG: youre unemployed and im on my deathbed what could be more important

TG: rox??

TG: its been a whole minute you better not be dead

TG: i wont stand for a joint funeral

tg: ily too bab

tg: call ur other two siblings i have a cute boy droolin on my shoulder

tg: its getting,,,,,SAUCE ;DDDDd

tg: (open image)

TG: is that

TG: what the hell rox

TG: ill draw callie personalized sbahj until were married im not fucking around

tg: ill make him breakfast do u think hell love me

tg: also piiiing factoid statistically incorrect dave strider who is an actual pansexuality stereotype

TG: slutshaming this early in the morning whose head will rose have now

TG: shit his frail english major heart will implode dont do it

TG: make me breakfast roxy i love you more

tg: <3 chillax

TG: fuck off

tg: <3333333333333

TG: love you too

TG: <3

TG: please dont seduce sollux’ cute roommate

—

Karkat woke up to the smell of French toast and coffee; a quick check of his wrist-watch told him it was a quarter past noon. He swore, sat up. Roxy was in the kitchen.

“Morning!” she called out. “I’m making breakfast.”

“You don’t need to,” he mumbled, got up. She’d changed, somewhere along the way, into a short purple dress and cat print stockings.

“Ye, but I wanna,” she beamed, handed him a plate; there were strawberries thrown around the thing, some honey. “Hope you like it.”

“It’s great,” he whispered. “Thank you.”

“Oh my god.” She leaned in, pinched his cheek. “You’re really cute.”

His face flushed. “Uh—”

“Go eat your food.” She winked, waved him away. He sat down by the counter, still disoriented.

“I didn’t know we had fresh fruit,” he finally noted. She walked up to his seat, handed him some cutlery.

“You didn’t,” she replied. “My girl swung by to drop it off.”

“Your girl?”

Her cheeks went red. “Well, not technically, but—” she shrugged. Karkat smiled, dug in.

“She’s bringing you fresh fruit,” he noted. “That’s basically a marriage proposal, probably.”

“I needed a change of clothes.”

Karkat chuckled into his plate; she blushed the same way Dave did, down the bridge of her nose and up to the earlobes. “What’s her name?”

Roxy slumped across the table, sighed. “Callie.”

“Oh?”

“She’s so cute….”

“I bet.”

They ate their food in silence. Karkat finally remembered his predicament.

“Oh, hey.” He sat up. Roxy followed his movement. “Did Dave tell you about, uh—“

A beat. Roxy raised an eyebrow.

“Harley?”

Her face fell. “Yeah.”

“They—“

“Oh, shit, she knows you!” She sat up, grabbed his arm. “Fuck. We’ll fix that.”

He somehow doubted it. “How?“

“I have no idea either, but—“ She paused, breathed deep. “We’re gonna fix that.”

He dared not move. “Okay.”

A pause stretched on, neither daring to break the silence. Karkat wondered when it’d be okay to drop the cutlery. Roxy kept chewing on her black-painted lip.

The front doors opened. Karkat thanked heavens.

“Sup, I’m home.” Sollux paused at the doorway, noticing Roxy’s form in the kitchen. “Oh.”

She waved at nem. Ne awkwardly waved back, frowned at Karkat.

“Is Dave here?” ne inquired. They both shook their heads no. “Uh, no offence, but—“

Ne dropped nir backpack, groaned. Roxy snorted; Karkat’s eyes trailed between them, confused.

“What?”

“Did Dave blurt it out— oh, he totally did— I _will_ annihilate him.”

Roxy was straight up laughing now, shoulders shaking and no sound coming out.

“He was paying rent on time, Roxy, he was paying rent, do you have any idea how hard it is to come by a roommate like that?” Roxy’s eyes were tearing up; she latched onto Karkat’s shoulder for balance. “If I end up with another Ampora I’m suing your entire family tree, I swear to god.”

“Fucking hell, I’m still here,” Karkat finally snapped. Sollux stopped talking immediately. Roxy straightened up, wiped at her eyes. “And unless you’re kicking me out— which would be such an asshole move at this point but I sure as hell wouldn’t be surprised— I’m not leaving.”

Sollux was gaping. He met Roxy’s eyes; she just shrugged.

“Also there’s food so get your fucking scrotum here and eat while it’s still good.” He picked his plate up, walked to the sink. “I’m off to take a ten year shower, see you later.”

Sollux turned to Roxy as Karkat walked past them, leaned in theatrically close. “Best roommate ever.”

—

TT: Be my alibi.

GG: ok!!

TT: Thank you.

GG: …

GG: ok i kind of expected some elaboration on this are you really killing someone i dont think im okay with that??? 

TT: No actual murders.

TT: Though I am tempted.

GG: phew !! 

GG: but also dish out dish out :B

TT: You are too good for this world.

GG: :D

TT: It’s your Internet Friend.

TT: Being himself again.

GG: are you talking about tg?

GG: as in your brother tg?

TT: I mean TG as in your friend.

TT: I think I’m going to disown him.

GG: hahhahah that bad?

GG: what did he do now?

TT: He told my girlfriend’s best friend personal things about me,

TT: Before I even got to meet the man.

TT: Now there’s a picture being painted of me that I have no control over,

TT: That might reflect negatively on any prospect of emotional closeness between us,

TT: That might lead to a strain on the relationship I’ve worked Very Hard on,

TT: And it is really, really unpleasant.

TT: And TG is a dickhead.

GG: awww shucks :(

GG: was this before or after he drank half a bottle of brandy?

TT: I don’t know and do not care to find out.

TT: Also, of course he already made a report on that.

GG: yeah he’s pretty hungover :(

GG: but anyways!! what kind of personal things?

TT: Very

GG: very?

TT: Very personal.

TT: The “I did not share them with you” level of personal.

GG: oh

GG: :(

TT: I assure you they are most irrelevant.

TT: If they were something I felt needed to be shared, you’d know.

GG: oh tt its ok!! I dont even know ur name :B

GG: you are not obliged to tell me everything !!

TT: I know I am not obliged.

TT: I just want to.

TT: You are probably my closest friend.

GG: !!!

TT: This was inappropriately affectionate.

TT: I apologize. 

GG: nooo it was perfect im smiling so hard !

GG: i love you too !

TT: Heh.

GG: but yes anyways !! while i super endorse anger towards tg but i dont think you should worry

GG: would your girlfriend really befriend someone dumb enough to believe anything he says?

TT: That,

TT: Is a good point.

GG: hhhhh

GG: also all jokes aside im sure he didnt mean to hurt you

TT: I know he didn’t intend to.

TT: Doesn’t change that he still did.

GG: :(

GG: do you want me to talk to him?

TT: As tempting as your offer is, I believe it’s something I ought to do on my own. 

GG: :D proud of you

TT: Oh shoosh.

GG: shooshed! 

TT: <3

GG: <3

TT: I am five minutes away from the friend in question’s apartment.

TT: As they say, I’m freaking out.

GG: OOOOh

GG: itll be good!! Itll be great !! hell love you im sure

GG: is your girl there?

TT: No.

TT: But my sister is?

GG: uh

GG: that’s good too?? I guess

TT: Don’t question it.

TT: This whole situation makes zero sense.

GG: understatement ?? hahah

GG: anyways !

GG: good luck !!

TT: Thank you.

TT: I will need it.

—

There was another person in their kitchen when Karkat returned. He was long past the point of even experiencing surprise. He shoved damp bangs out of his eyes, took a seat.

“Hi,” he muttered.

The newcomer smiled at him, oddly serene. “Hello.” A hand was offered; he shook it, scowled. “My name is Rose, but you might know me as the, ah, lesbian sister?”

She looked over at Roxy, as if for confirmation; Roxy rolled her eyes, grinning.

“Oh,” he sat up straighter. _Kanaya’s girlfriend._ “Hello.”

“I hear you’ve been placed in quite a predicament, mostly through my family’s involvement,” she spoke slowly, as if weighing each word. Her eyes were purple. “Well. Brother’s, to be precise, but why point fingers.”

He couldn’t believe he woke up worrying about Jade Harley when this family was out to kill him just by existing outside a reality show.

“On all of our behalfs, I apologize.” She smiled, faux-sweet. “We will make it our priority to keep you safe.”

“They can’t kill a civilian, though, right?” Sollux asked, chewing on a mouthful of soggy bread. “Like, government is already touchy as fuck about human casualties, this would get them extremely fired.”

“They’d get spanked a lil and be back on track,” Roxy huffed. “Fucking sucks.”

“Not to mention that he is way more valuable as a bait or, as of now, source of information,” Rose added. “He’s incriminated.”

Karkat’s head was starting to hurt. “What?”

“They’d torture you for info,” Sollux deadpanned; ne wasn’t meeting his eyes, at least. “Sorry.”

“Well that’s fan-fucking-tastic.”

“They’re not going to torture him for info,” Roxy snapped. “Sollux, drop the attitude.”

“Where’s Dave?” Karkat asked. All heads turned to him. “He’s being discussed a lot but—“

“Licking his wounds,” Rose replied smoothly. Sollux choked on his drink. Roxy sighed.

“He’s recuperating,” she waved her hand. “Rose also wanted to make sure you’ll be nice to Kan.”

Karkat blinked. Rose sighed, rubbed at her temples.

“She cares about you,” she muttered. “I just want to know that—“

“I care about her too.”

She met his eyes; he offered a smile.

“I mean, if you’re the same girl she’d been talking about since the medieval ages, then I’m happy for you?” he went on. “Like, you make her happy. I can respect that.” 

She wasn’t meeting his eyes. He felt oddly victorious. “I… appreciate that.”

Roxy squeezed her sister’s shoulder, ‘aww’-ed. Sollux was theatrically wiping faux-tears from under nir eyes.

“I am not harming her,” Rose added in a whisper. Karkat blinked; it was only then that it clicked. Sollux cackled into his mug as Rose’s face went a shade darker.

“Oh.” They were basically succubi, right.

“I held the consent speech already,” Roxy butted it. Rose looked down, bit into her lip.

“Alright then,” she stood up, smoothed down her skirt. “I think I’d like to leave now.”

—

tg: he loved the fruit!

uu: ^U^

uu: im glad !

tg: thanks again ur a life saver 

uu: U//U

tg: ur “u” key still broken?

uu: yes :U

uu: I live with it, thoUgh.

tg: kinda wishing youd keep it tbh

tg: it adds charm

tg: not that u need any more of that but

uu: yoU are too sweet

tg: <3

uu: <3

tg: anyways! How r u doing

uu: im qUite alright, thank yoU! aboUt to meet my old roommate, pretty excited aboUt that

uu: how aboUt yoU? I know yoU didn’t get mUch sleep tonight

tg: yeah its catchin up w me

tg: ill extra nap when i get home dw 

uu: good to hear that U-U

uu: what happened, anyways?

tg: eeeh

tg: just regular fam drama

tg: its all taken care of, mostly

uu: oh gosh

uu: im so sorry! hope it all works oUt soon

tg: yeah dw <3 i got it under reins

tg: neigh neigh

uu: ! hah

uu: good

uu: anyways! My lUnch date is qUickly approaching so i mUst go

tg: a date huh

tg: ;))))

uu: It’s pUrely friendly, silly

tg: r u fine w it being purely friendly?

uu: im more than okay with it! she is a great friend

uu: friendship is not an inferior sUbstitUte for romance, in my eyes

tg: no no i agree !! i totes agree

tg: sorry im just sleepy and being weird over nothin

tg: hope you gals have a great time <3

uu: ahh i apologize for overreacting

tg: dontchu apologize for shit now

tg: go and have the best lunchpal date ever

uu: ^U^ okay

uu: yoU have a good nap!

tg: oh i will

tg: ttyl!

uu: later <3

tg: <3

 

—

 

Karkat didn’t leave his room again until 2AM; Sollux was in the living room, surrounded with snacks and watching a foreign movie Karkat couldn’t recognize. Ne looked up when he entered, waved.

“Busy?”

“Not really.” Ne turned the TV off. “Shoot.”

Karkat paused. “Excuse me?”

“Your questions,” ne replied, as if it were the most obvious answer in the word. “You have, like, a zillion. Shoot ‘em.”

“Why do you think—“

“Look, we told you next to nothing and your life is in danger.” Ne leaned back, popped a caramel into nir mouth. “Just assumed you were smart enough to wonder—“

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” He plopped down next to them, grabbed a random snack. “You’re way too condescending for someone who can’t even pronounce the word.”

Sollux laughed. “Touché.”

“Eat a shit.”

Ne loudly smacked their lips; Karkat groaned.

“So?”

“Ugh,” he scratched at his neck, inhaled. “So. Um.”

“I probably can’t tell you their weaknesses or much about the Turned but—“

Karkat sat up too suddenly. Sollux fell silent.

“Okay, backtrack.” Sollux wasn’t moving. Karkat leaned in. “Sollux.”

“I’m sure you can find ways to kill a demon on your own, most lore is hiding in plain sight.” Ne wasn’t meeting his eyes. “Vampire Academy, however, is not a good starting point so your book collection won’t be much help—“

“What’s the Turned?”

Sollux fell silent again.

Karkat groaned. “Can I google that?”

“You can try,” Sollux shrugged.

Karkat felt like beating his head against the wall. “Okay then,” he sighed. “Hunters?”

Something akin to a smile played up on nir lips. “Can talk about that.”

“Okay.” He grinned. “Shoot.”

Sollux rolled nir eyes. “They call themselves the Protectors— they are government paid, I think, but some go solo. Patrol the town for any ill-intended of our species. Total overkill if they run into any but people know not to cause trouble.” He shrugged. “They’re not a problem if you know how to avoid them.”

“But—“

“Yeah, Strilondes are a case of their own.” Sollux’s shoulders slumped. “There’s deep shit going on with their families.”

“Strilondes?”

“Yeah, like Strider and Lalondes.” Sollux’ voice was infuriatingly disinterested. “It’s economical. Try to keep up.”

“Who the fuck are Lalondes.”

Sollux paused; snorted. Karkat groaned.

“Haha, sorry, I forgot how little you know,” Sollux wiped under nir glasses – Karkat fought the urge to kick nem. “Roxy and Rose go by Lalonde.”

Karkat raised an eyebrow, said nothing.

“It’s a long story.”

“Well I’m not going to sleep any time soon, so—“

Sollux groaned, sat up straighter.

“Okay, so,” ne started. “Roxy’s mum— lovely lady, went by Mutie Nix— and her dad, Jasper Lalonde— that’s where the name comes from, pay attention—“

“I _will_ punch you—“

“Woo, feisty.”

Karkat glowered.

Sollux chuckled. “So, not really sure what their deal was but they made Roxy and then decided married life wasn’t for them so Jasper ends up settling down with this total package— no offense to Mutie—“ ne made an off-hand gesture. “Her name is Arianna Strider— here’s the second name, wow—“

“ _Sollux_ —“

“And they make Rose and Dave, and it’s cute, yay.”

“Huh.” Karkat nodded. “Why the different last names?”

“Fuck if I know,” Sollux said. “Maybe they couldn’t agree— honestly I don’t even care that much. Anyways—”

“Anyways—”

“Arianna has this kid from before, Dirk—“

Karkat sat up at that. “There’s more of them?”

“Just Dirk—“ A pause. “Yeah, Dave probably would fail to mention him. Anyways—”

“Anyways!”

“Dirk’s dad is a huge dick,” ne explained. “No other way around it, he’s just terrible.”

“Relatable.”

“No, this guy is actually dangerous,” Sollux posture was slowly steering away from the state of complete aloofness. “He’s, like, trying to get AR back but she’s not having it. He’s being awful. Everyone is sick of him.”

“Oh.”

“And he’s apparently like that with every single ex he ever had, because he goes and kills Nancy Egbert’s husband.”

Karkat gave it a moment before deciding elaboration wasn’t going to come. “Am I supposed to know who Nancy Egbert is?”

“No, but you should really shut up sometimes.” Sollux slapped a hand onto his mouth. Karkat licked it. Ne grimaced. “Gross. Okay, so— she’s James’ Egbert’s sister.”

“Wow!”

Sollux’ glare screamed ‘shut up’. “And Bart Crocker’s wife. _Shh!_ They’re big shots in the Protector profession.”

Karkat’s brain was starting to put pieces together. “Oh.”

“Yeah, anyway— they’re basically a clan, hah— Egbert married into the English family line and they’re pretty famous in Scandinavia— one English married a Harley, he’s big in Scotland—“

“Is there a global Protector business?” Karkat had to interrupt. “Like, actual global demon hunting enterprise?”

Sollux blinked. “Obviously.”

“Okay, fuck off, this is a lot to take in.” Karkat sat back. “Jesus fuck. How do people not know?”

“They’re subtle.” Sollux shrugged. “I know it’s a foreign concept for you but—“

“Oh, fuck off.”

Ne blew him a kiss. “To sum up: Cal pissed of the mega-merge of demon-hunting uberdaddies of America; this somehow aligns with the moment Egbert’s wife decides to run away with mom Lalonde.”

Karkat spluttered. “What—“

“Yes, Harold, they are lesbians.” Sollux paused. “Well, were. They’re both dead now.”

“ _What?_ ”

“Well, with Cal being a huge shitlick, they just assumed their family was out to get them, and then there are Mutie-spottings near their house and Daisy English goes missing and the entire Crocker-Egbert-English clan is out for blood.”

Karkat breathed, “shit.”

“So Daisy’s sister, Rebecca, she finds Mutie first.” Sollux had to stop. Nir entire posture was tense. “She fucking— she killed both Roxy’s parents.”

“Oh.”

“Roxy was there— she was, like, two, and says she doesn’t remember but—“

Karkat eyes started burning. “Fucking hell.”

“Arianna was just about to visit, thank _jesus_ — she got Rebecca.”

Karkat blinked. “She—“

“Killed her, yes,” Sollux snapped. “Don’t really blame her.”

Karkat raised both arms in surrender.

Sollux raised an eyebrow. “Are you crying?”

“No!” Karkat wiped at his eyes. Sollux smirked. “Fuck off.”

“Do you need me to stop?” ne teased. “This too much?”

“Don’t be such an asshole,” Karkat pushed at them. “Go on.”

Sollux rolled nir eyes. “Don’t say I didn’t offer.”

“Oh, for fuck’s—“

“And then Rebecca’s husband killed AR,” Sollux finished, bitterly. “And that’s how the Fantastic Four ended up orphans.”

Karkat’s heart fell. “But—“

“Daisy was dead, forgot to mention.” Sollux curled into nirself. “Went to visit her son once— John Egbert, he’s your age, I think— never came back.” He laughed, bitter.

Karkat frowned, “Are you saying—“

“Yeah, it was probably her asshole of an ex-husband.” Sollux rolled nir eyes. “I’ve no proof but honestly….”

“Fuck.”

“Pretty fucked up, yeah.” Sollux wiped at nir face again.

Karkat decided not to comment. “But Cal—“

“He did end up taking them in,” Sollux spat out. “Cal Borne. Stupidest name ever.”

“Like either of us can talk.”

“He was— jesus.” Sollux’s smile was more of a grimace, eyes angry. “I shouldn’t be telling you this.”

Karkat’s chest felt tight. “Probably.”

“He was just, he was bad,” ne sighed. “Like, super-bad.”

“Okay.”

“Roxy had to run away with Dave and Rose, that bad.”

“You don’t need to go on.”

“We think Dirk killed him.”

A beat. Sollux let out a shaky breath, looked away.

“Dirk— as in his kid?”

“That man was a shitstain.”

Karkat remembered Gamzee, remembered how bad he got— imagined having to hurt him. Shuddered.

“Shit,”

“At least he’s dead.” Sollux leaned back. “Fucking asshole.”

Karkat couldn’t speak. There was wetness on his cheeks, freezing hot. 

—

Sollux’s skype call window popped up on the screen just as he was about to finish the colouring. Dave sighed, saved the SAI changes, picked up.

“You are a proof of why democracy is bound to fail.”

“I’ve missed you too, candy-corn,” he deadpanned. Sollux rolled nir eyes. “What’s the emergency.”

“I can’t believe you outed your sister while simultaneously forgetting to mention your brother’s entire existence.” Ne didn’t beat around the bush. “Also not bring up the Turned? Somehow?”

Dave paused. “I didn’t?”

“No, you sad excuse of an adult, you did not.”

“Oh.” A beat. “You’re welcome.”

Sollux didn’t respond. Dave shrugged.

“You’re just so lucky he’s not pressing charges or, like, trying to slither out of the roommate agreement,” Sollux went on. “Can’t believe you just called him a cab and sent him off alone after you both got attacked, you asshole.”

Dave made a face. “I made sure he got home safe, yo.”

“Never mind.”

“‘M not that much of a dick.”

Ne were rubbing at nir temples. Dave leaned back in his chair, sighed.

“Anyways, I told him about your family drama so we’re even now.”

Dave nearly fell out of the chair. “Wha’.” 

“You heard me.”

“Why.”

Sollux blew him a kiss, hung up. Dave fought the urge to punch the screen.


	4. Chapter 4

The coffee shop patron beamed at Roxy as they entered, their high spirit contagious. The part of Karkat’s brain dedicated to admiring any person employed in public service that could still emulate anything but exasperated apathy decided he was in love.

“Hello!” they sang, voice soft and melodic. “Who’s your new friend?”

Roxy leaned in, both hands still hooked around Karkat’s forearm. “Sollux’s roommate, actually.” She winked. “He’s the cutest.”

“Agreed,” the patron laughed, extended their hand. “Hi, I’m Feferi! Nice to meet you!”

Karkat awkwardly detangled himself, shook the offered arm. The amount of high spirits these two emulated was going to kill him. “Uh. Hi.”

“Roxy behaving?” Feferi asked, stuck their tongue out.

Roxy pouted. “I have never done anything wrong, never, in my life.”

“I know this, and I love you.”

They shared a proud grin at the successful reference. Feferi turned to the register.

“Soo, the usual?” they asked. Roxy nodded. “And for the Cute Roommate?”

“A new nickname,” Karkat replied dryly. Feferi laughed. “And an espresso, uh, double.”

“Sugar?”

“Please.”

They got their orders, moved towards the back. Roxy led them to a large leather sofa, facing the corner; Karkat felt relieved the moment he sat down, safely cut off from his surroundings.

“This is my favourite table,” Roxy shared, slipping of her flats to sit cross-legged. “Dave always judges me because it’s the biggest table and I mostly go solo but, fuck it?”

“Fuck it, agreed.” Karkat sipped at the beverage. It was hot, sugary. “Dave’s full of shit and you shouldn’t listen to him.”

Roxy snorted. “You sound just like Rose.”

“Really?”

“No, but—“

A human-shaped shadow fell over the table, a ball of scrawny limbs forcing its way between them on the couch. Karkat spilled some coffee onto the floor, hoped no one would notice.

“Jesus fuck, Dave.” Roxy frowned at the intruder; Dave sprawled out across the middle of the sofa, shrugged.

“Sup.”

“I have failed you as a parent.”

He blew her a kiss. She sighed, smiling.

“What the fuck,” Karkat breathed. Dave finally looked at him, cheeks a shade darker.

“You spilled some coffee there, bro.”

Karkat felt the urge to punch him. “And I’m prepared to spill more.”

Dave’s eyebrows went up; he laughed. “Okay.”

Roxy hooked her legs over Dave’s, reached for her drink. “Did you talk to Rose yet?”

“No,” Dave deadpanned. “Are you trying to make Callie jealous by bringing cute boys to her favourite coffee shop, because that’s the sort of passive aggressive flirting Rose’s textbooks spoke of and I might not have the best record with healthy romantic relationships but—“

Roxy pressed a hand to his mouth, shared an exasperated look with Karkat. “I’m actually babysitting.”

Dave pushed the hand off his mouth. “What?”

“She’s making sure I don’t get murdered, asshole,” Karkat explained. “You know, since there’s now a price on my head?”

“That was such a cool way of putting it,” Roxy said. “You really are kinda like Rose. Maybe it’s a lit major thing.”

Dave’s jaw clenched. “He’s nothing like Rose, shut the fuck up.”

Roxy laughed. “Oh my gosh, that’s totally a—“

Karkat loudly slurped the rest of his espresso. Dave turned to look at him, suddenly alert.

“Shit, I fucked you over.”

A beat.

“I’m sorry—“

“You’re such a dick, you know that?” Karkat snapped. “You nearly die, let me shit on your whole species and don’t leave me a chance to redeem myself, don’t show up at my house for a whole day and then have the nerve to take all the blame for yourself?” Another beat. “And no, you did not fuck me over, god damn it.”

Dave blinked. Roxy slow-clapped.

“I’m sorry?” Dave said. Karkat threw his head back, groaned.

__

 

Porrim kept looking over Roxy’s shoulder, eyes locked on where Dave and Karkat had to be sitting. Roxy kicked her in the shin.

“Stop that!”

“Am I invading their privacy?” Porrim met her eyes again; her eye-liner was uncannily even, her V-cut teasingly low. A part of Roxy’s brain wondered if their sister’s dating made hooking up a social no-no.

“You’re making me want in on the show too.” She kicked her again. “Anyways. You’ve been saying—”

Feferi slid a small cup onto the counter, pressed a kiss to Porrim’s cheek— they waited for her to retreat before resuming the conversation.

“There’s talk of this Woman, making her way from L.A.” She sighed. “Not much info on her background, but we know she’s one of yours.”

Roxy winced. “You know, not all demons know each other.”

Porrim laughed. Roxy tugged at her stockings.

“So, uh,” she cleared her throat. “Troubles?”

“Yes,” Porrim said. “Trouble enough for Dams to contact me.”

“I love where this convo is going—“

“Shh,” Porrim smiled. “Demons are showing up dead, but humans….“

Roxy sucked in a breathe. “Oh, shit.”

“No bodies.”

“No.” 

“It’s not impossible.”

“Someone militarizing the Turned, that’s a stretch,” Roxy slumped. “It’s very—“

“Taboo?”

Roxy slumped even further down. Porrim squeezed her knee.

“She is doing too much damage to be on her own.”

“Maybe she’s just powerful.”

“Maybe it’s both?”

Roxy huffed into her frapuccino. Porrim snorted. The atmosphere was morose.

“One more thing,” she added, avoiding Roxy’s eyes. “Some are saying she has other help.”

Roxy didn’t need extra verbalizing— still demanded some. “Other?”

“Your stepdad.”

“He’s not my stepdad,” Roxy snapped. “He’s not shit to me.”

“Right. Sorry.” Another pause. “Are we sure—“

“Dirk said he’s gone,” Roxy interrupted.

“If it’s—“

“If you find any other reason to think the person wrecking the west coast is Dirk’s long-vanished bio-donor, I’ll be the first to talk to him.” She forced her voice to stay low. “But ‘yeah, it’s a real pain’ is not reason enough and he’s already so—“

She stopped. Porrim raised an eyebrow.

“He’s already so _what_?”

“Shut up.” Roxy sipped at her frapuccino to buy time. _It couldn’t be him_. “And we have no tails on who this mystery lady might be?”

Another pause.

Roxy moved her knee, leaned in. “Porrim.”

“Damara thinks she recognized her.” A quick glance towards Feferi, smiling at the new customer. “But I’m really, really hoping she’s wrong.”

__

 

“So.”

“Yeah,” Karkat stared at the (now empty) cup in his hands, raking his brain for a conversation topic. Dave was quiet.

“You like coconut?”

Karkat’s head flew up. Dave was watching him (he assumed. Fuck if he could tell). _And you thought you were bad at icebreakers._ “Um. It’s all right?”

Barely moving, Dave slid his own cup towards Karkat’s. “Try this.”

It was white, frothy, had a straw— Karkat arched an eyebrow, tried to elicit some further explanation. None came forth.

“I’m lactose intolerant,” he muttered. “Remember?”

“Yeah,” Dave didn’t even seem embarrassed about it. “Almond milk, pseudo-lesbian level of veganism.” Another nudge. “Try it.”

The stare off— god, Karkat really hoped it was a stare off; it’d be pretty fucking funny if Dave had just been staring at the wall the entire time – continued for another dozen seconds, and then Karkat leaned down and sipped.

It tasted like sugar and nuts. He kind of liked it.

“So?”

“It’s literally the gayest thing I’ve ever tasted.”

Dave pursed his lips. “Macklemore gay or ‘I liked a guy in preschool so I broke his nose’ gay?”

Karkat blinked. Dave’s face didn’t move.

“What?”

“Do you like it or not, dude.”

Karkat bit his cheek. “I do.”

“Huh.” Dave nodded. “Sweet.”

Karkat started sliding the cup back— Dave stopped him.

“Keep it,” he said.

Karkat frowned. “It’s your drink,” he insisted. Dave was holding his wrist firmly in place; his fingers were long, warm.

“It’s okay,” he said. “I’m good on sugar.”

Neither moved. Dave’s hand didn’t retract. Finally, someone way at the front of the cafe let out a shrill laugh, and Karkat shot into motion.

He slurped the whole thing up in one go. He was officially certain he knew where Dave was looking.

__

 

Both men looked up as she entered. Jade offered them a small smile, waved.

“Jade,” her grandfather spoke first. He patted the chair next to him, smiled gently. She hurried forward, took the seat. Jake was still avoiding her eyes. “Did you sleep well?”

“Like a baby.” She glanced at the chessboard laid out between them— Jake was losing. “You two?”

“My murderer’s conscience did not keep me up, worry not.” Jake’s voice was like ice; she flinched. Albert made a clicking sound with his tongue. 

“Jacob.”

He clenched his jaw, still didn’t look her way. “I apologize.”

Jade watched Jake move his Bishop. She chewed on her cheek, chest tight. 

“I really didn’t mean it like that—”

“We really don’t need to have this conversation,” he snapped. He then breathed, smiled. “It’s all dandy, really.”

“I know it’s not!”

Albert sneaked an arm around her shoulder, gave it a reassuring pat.

“I know you can’t control how guilty you feel, I shouldn’t have—” he paused again, rubbed at his face. When he looked up, his eyes looked apologetic.

Albert smiled. “I should give you two some privacy.”

“No need—”

“No—”

He was already up, still smiling. The doors closed behind him, barely making a sound. 

The pair sat in silence for a while. Finally, Jake cleared his throat, gestured towards the board. “Want to take over?”

She did. They played three moves each without speaking, both buying time.

“I feel like shit too.” He was the one to break first. “I know it’s the right thing to do but at the moment it’s happening I just—”

She shivered. He slumped forward.

“I wish it were easier,” he whispered. She reached out, pushed at his shoulder.

Albert rejoined them thirty minutes later, a plate of brownies in hand.

“Jane made a treat,” he said, set it between them. “I see Jake’s still losing.”

Jake made an offended sound. Jade punched the air.

“What were you up to? Except procuring the cookies,” Jade asked, going for a corner-piece. Out in her peripheral vision, Albert pulled a face.

“Dad?” Jake piped up.

Albert shook his head. “There’s talk of trouble, up west,” he smiled. “Nothing too urgent, though.” 

They exchanged a look. Jade sat up. “Grandpa—”

“The crew there has it under control,” he reassured. Though his smile was still gentle, his eyes grew stern. “You will know if it becomes relevant.”

Another exchanged glance.

Jake sighed. “Guess we’ll have to trust you,” he acquiesced. 

Albert flashed them his wrinkle-eyed, toothy smile. “Hopefully you won’t find it that much of a trial.” 

__

 

Kanaya let the phone ring five times before picking up. There was a sharp intake from the other side.

“Kanaya?”

He didn’t sound like he had expected her to actually answer. She nearly smiled. “Karkat.”

“Hi.” A beat stretched on. “So.”

“Long time no hear.” Her own smile felt like a grimace. Her heart was also beating so fast she thought she was about to pass out.

“Okay, let’s cut the crap,” he finally got out. “A lot has been going on in my life and if your experience has been anything like mine—“

“It’s a fun ride.”

“I’ve been having an aneurysm perpetually for the last fucklong days, Kanaya,” he wheezed. “The funnest.”

“Please don’t hyperventilate.”

“Your girlfriend is a demon? Guess I can see why you wouldn’t bring that up, not exactly something you can casually drop into a conversation, but Jesus—“ he stopped to breathe. She appreciated. “They’re _everywhere_.”

“Yes, they are indeed many.” She leaned against the kitchen counter; Rose passed down the corridor, raised an eyebrow. Kanaya waved her away. “They’re like gays in that aspect.”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“Or, hm, non-straights? MOGAIs?” Rose situated herself at the doorway, quietly laughing. “What’s the current all-inclusive term?”

“Okay, I’m the straight friend in this context, got it.”

“What a time to be alive.”

“What’s the human variant of capri pants and unhealthy relationship-romanticization?”

“That’s offensive.”

“Yeah, okay.” He laughed. Or wheezed. She couldn’t really tell. “Wow. She good?”

Kanaya arched an eyebrow. “Um.”

“To you. Good to you.” She started laughing— he swore. “Fuck off, you know what I meant.”

“Yes, you have made yourself clear.”

“Fuck off!”

“She’s very good.” She paused. Now Rose was arching eyebrows. “... to me.”

“Har-har.”

“Enough about me, though.” She sat back. “How are you faring?” Rose retreated, granting more privacy. Kanaya’s chest felt warmer. “Besides the, uh, were they aneurysms?”

“Yes. And no.” Karkat’s voice was wheezy again. “It’s a lot of shit to digest. Apparently they wouldn’t even kill me if they caught me—“

Kanaya bit her lip. “Karkat.”

“What’s the point of being diagnosed with both depression and anxiety if the fucked up drama you get wrapped up in doesn’t cater to either?”

“You need to breathe for a while again.”

There was a pause, broken only by his long, heavy breaths.

“Thank you.”

He coughed. “Don’t mention it.” 

“I’m sorry about the, huh. Situation.” She really was. “It’s... unfortunate.”

“No, hey, it’s not your fault,” he rushed to reassure. “This ever-piling diarrhoea is as inconvenient as it sounds but you’ve been dealing with it for way fucking longer than I can even wrap my mind around— probably?”

A pause; Kanaya realized she was to reply. “Six years.”

“Oh— wait, fuck, really?”

She bit her lip, remained quiet.

“That’s— that’s longer than I expected, um. Shit. Anyways.” She could picture him shaking his head. Or slapping himself. _She had missed him_. “Anyways! Yeah. They’re after your girlfriend, like, every day of her life, right? So it’s kinda shittier for you. I’ll live.”

She was going to cry. “You will.”

He sniffed. She realized he was crying. “Are you crying?”

“No.” He was crying.

“Do you want to come over?” Another sniff. “Can I come over?”

“Please.”

She laughed.

He groaned.

“I love you.”

“Yeah, hurry up.” A pause. “Loveyoutoo.”

She kept smiling the whole trip over.

__

 

His place looked exactly like she’d picture a college student's place looking— then again, her own apartment was less organized and more a mess, so she couldn’t exactly talk. His eyes were puffy, his hair shorter. She hugged him the moment she was inside the room.

“Jesus fuck, Kan, you look hot.” He spoke into her shoulder— he was still a bit shorter. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” She held onto him, hard. “Your voice dropped.”

She could feel him grinning. “I know.”

They settled on his bed. He had papers everywhere, heavy books littering the floor.

“Sorry—” he noticed her looking. She waved him away.

“Rose has the same major,” she reminded him. “I’m used to the book clutters.”

“Ha, I guess.” He scratched the back of his neck. “Don’t even know how I manage to make all of this, everything I actually use is in pdf format.” He kicked the nearest hardback, winced in pain. “I’ve developed a strong dislike for Longmann.”

“I do not know him.”

“Good.”

They fell into a silence— not all that comfortable. She bit on the inside of her cheek. He was avoiding her eyes.

“Look—“

“I need to tell you something.”

He closed his mouth immediately— he’d been expecting it. “All right.”

She pursed her lips, nodded.

He gave her an awkward smile, looked away. “Uh.”

“Dave was pretty drunk when talking to Roxy but I heard that you, ha.” She paused to recollect. He was chewing on his lower lip. “You had a pretty strong reaction to the idea of me being a demon?”

He winced. “Hah, yeah, I behaved like a huge dick but what else is new.” He ran a hand through his hair, shrugged. “It wasn’t—“

She made no move to interject. He took his time.

“I just thought I sort of knew everything about you, which I now realize was the most egotistical idea I’ve ever had because, shit, I talk about myself a lot?” He laughed, the sound verging on hysteria. “Like, yeah, okay, past me being a whiny dickmuffin and spilling his entire life story on you doesn’t mean that you, or any other sensible person, god damn it, would do the same? Or have the fucking time to do the same, it’s not like I ever shut up long enough for someone to reciprocate.” He stopped, pressed a hand to his mouth. “And I’m doing it now, again, fucking wow.”

Kanaya blinked. Karkat’s breathing was heavy.

“Karkat,” she started.

He started shaking his head. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll breathe.”

She watched him take two deep breaths— reached out, touched his hand. “Right now—” She kept her voice level. “How do you feel about me not being—“

“Shit.” He snapped back as if burned. Her heart dropped. “ _Shit_.”

She barely registered it, but she got up.

Karkat watched her, eyes wide.

“I should leave.”

He didn’t move. She made it for the door.

“No!” He was suddenly in front of her, blocking the exist. “No, sorry, I’m fucking everything up again but I swear to Jesus I am not freaked out by you, please trust me—“

“Breathe.“ She hated herself for saying it. He was crying again.

“I wouldn’t trust myself either and everyone who tried to just got barked at, I’m the bottom strata of earthly decomposing filth, you can beat my ass forever later but _pleasedon’tleave_.”

“Karkat.”

He stopped, sucked in a breath.

She sat back down. “I’m not a demon.”

He was crying too hard to speak.

She reached out. “I’m not… like you, though, either.”

He was nodding along, facing downwards.

“Do you need a tissue?

He kept nodding. She got up, got him some.

TA: is the deed done

TA: is he ditching me yet

GA: No

GA: I Do Advise Staying Out For A Little While Longer Though

GA: Emotions Are Hitting The Fan

Karkat was staring into blank space. Kanaya wasn’t sure what to do.

“You died.”

“It can be perceived that way,” she concurred. “But as you can see, I am still very alive and kicking.”

He snorted; it wasn’t reaching his (still wet, still puffy) eyes. “You nearly died.”

“It was an accident.” She squeezed his hand— he had finally allowed her take hold of it and neither was ready to let go. “Luckily, the Strider-Lalondes were there.”

“Strilondes.”

“What?”

He flushed. “Nothing.”

Little more silence.

He squeezed her hand back. “How’d it—“

“Long story.”

He laughed, as if there was an inside joke he had with himself present. “Used to it.”

She shifted into a more comfortable position, leaned against the wall. “A drunk driver ran me down with a truck.”

“Holy shit.”

“By some miracle, I did not die on the spot.” Kanaya hoped her face looked impassive. “Rose acted on instinct.”

“So Rose—“

“Turned me.” Kanaya made a weak attempt at jazz-hands. “That’s how we get the name.”

“Kinda figured that one out, no shit— holy shit, Kanaya.” He was pinning her down with his eyes, wide and scared. “When was that?”

“Remember that time I crashed my bike?”

“Yeah, it was full beyond repair and we all made fun of yo— _fuck_.”

She cracked a grin. He slammed his head against the wall.

“Now, now.” She made him sit up straight. “It’s a... possibility, available to Rose’s subspecies.”

“The parasites.”

She made a face. “Yes.”

“It’s a sucky name, right?”

“So distasteful.”

He smiled, leaned into her. She squeezed his hand. “So, you’re—“

“Well, I’m basically human,” she admitted. “But the whole process is so taboo, treading into it is equal to shooting in the dark.”

“So, Rose—“

“Shot in the dark, yes.” She was aware she was avoiding his eyes. “My night-vision and stamina improved— little else, though.”

She was lying, she was lying so badly— he seemed to be lacking focus, though.

“So, some people...”

“Get other features, yes.” She sighed. “Strength, speed, sometimes there’s an ability demons don’t even have and therefore have no idea how to control.”

“Oh, yes, that’d probably fucking suck.” He sat up. “Like, they deal with it their whole lives? You get it after a near death experience and spend the next six days breaking keyboards—“

“Thank you for the Andrew Garfield reference.” She placed a hand on his shoulder. He immediately relaxed. “But yes. It’s… inconvenient.”

“But you didn’t get any— bad ones, right?”

She frowned. “What is that supposed to mean?”

He pressed his lips tighter together.

She sighed.

“I keep fucking up—”

“Kind of, yes.”

“I don’t think they’re monsters, I swear to god.”

“I trust you” _Don’t know why, though._ “Just… say what you think.”

He took in a deep breath. She braced herself.

“Is it possible to inherit their feeding habits?” His face was burning.

Kanaya’s face was burning too. “Yes.”

His eyes widened. “Oh.”

Now or never— “I did.”

Even wider. “Oh.”

“I control it, though.”

A beat of silence. Kanaya couldn’t even pinpoint the amount of emotion twirling inside her immediate consciousness. “If you want me to leave, I’ll—“

“No!” He grabbed her by the forearms, snapped back almost immediately. “Just— give me a second.”

“I’ll give you multiple.”

He was doing the breathing exercises— she appreciated. It took him three whole minutes to find his tongue again.

“So… you crave sex?”

She raised an eyebrow. “Yes, but that isn’t a new thing.”

“Oh, yeah.” His face flushed again. “Sometimes I forget.”

“Indeed.”

“Shut up.” He pressed an open palm to his eye. “Uh, what— how does it—“

“It’s not like I walk around fighting an impulse to jump people,” she elaborated. “I just...need it?”

“Oh.”

“I feed exclusively off Rose.”

Karkat grimaced. “That’s possible?”

“Why would it not be?”

“I don’t know.” He frowned. “Supernatural species being able to self-provide feels like cheating.”

“Real life is not an RPG game.”

His frown wasn’t leaving. “What kind of RPG games do you—“

“Let us cut this conversation short.”

“Agreed.”

A moment passed. Karkat smiled.

“Something funny?” She leaned in.

He met her eyes, beamed. “I’m past the point of feeling stressed,” he announced. “I think my emotion-processor is broken.”

She frowned.

His smile faltered. “No, no, fuck, I’m joking.”

“Do you need a hug?”

“Maybe?”

“Can I… give you a hug?”

He ended up crying on her shirt. She felt really guilty about what she was yet to do.

“Karkat.”

He hiccuped. “Yeah?”

“I’m not the only Turned you know.”

He hiccuped. 

“This person asked me to break it to you.”

He muttered something.

She frowned. “I can’t hear you when you’re talking into my breast.”

“Fuck.” He sat up, wiped at his eyes angrily. His whole face was flushed. “I said, like a band-aid.”

“My current motto,” she agreed. He took in a deep breath.

“Is it Gamzee?”

“What? No.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“No, he’s just a terrible person.”

He made a face. 

“Are you still talking to him?”

He looked down.

“Karkat!”

“He doesn’t even fucking respond, so you can drop it.” He slouched. “Who is it then? Terezi?”

“It’s no one from your hometown.”

He rolled his eyes. “Who then, fucking Sollux?”

She didn’t reply. The aloofness drained from his face. “Are you...okay with that?”

“In hindsight.” His eyes were very wide. “It was pretty obvious.”

She couldn’t disagree.

“I’m okay,” he added, as an afterthought.

He didn’t cry again. Kanaya couldn’t decipher whether it was a good or bad. 

TA: is it safe to come home

GA: Is It Ever Really

GA: (Yes)

TA: thank JESUS

TA: the duo is exchanging bedroom eyes and im being tempted

GA: Oh

GA: In That Case

GA: No

GA: It Is Very Unsafe To Come Home

GA: Stay There And Get Laid

TA: cant believe i used to think you were a mom friend

TA: youd bathe the child and leave it out to dry

TA: and get laid

GA: Am I Letting The Child Get Laid or Getting Laid Myself? In This Hypothetical Scenario

GA: Am I Laying The Child?

TA: yeah you fucking hatched it

GA: That

GA: Sounds Like A Very Specific Fetish

TA: ;)

GA: This Conversation Will Be Terminated Now Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> university kicked my ass but im back sup (big big thanks to everyone leaving support on this <3)  
> also im the-onion-slut @tumblr hmu


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahah i hope you guys like incest jokes

“Guess who just had the longest fucking day, holy shit, you’re about to find out.”

“I’m pissing myself with anticipation.” 

Dave froze at the doorway. Dirk looked up from the couch. Roxy was sat next to him, awkwardly waving. 

“You’re not Kanaya.” 

Dirk’s face barely moved. “Good observation.”

Roxy was avoiding eye contact.

Dave still didn’t move. “What is this.”

“An ambush, I believe,” Rose spoke up— god damn it, where’d she come from— draped across the kitchen chair she must’ve brought in. “I was as surprised as you are to find our siblings here— did not, however, confuse any of them with my girlfriend.”

“Someone’s beating the incest horse.” 

Rose winked. Dirk blew her a kiss. Dave gagged.

“Let’s just, like, not use the words ‘beating’ and ‘incest’ in the same sentence ever again.” He kept his jacket on, ready to ditch if needed. Roxy took note of it, pouted— he ignored her, still bitter. “What do y’all want?”

Rose wiggled her eyebrows. He pretended to ignore it.

“I think the women of the family are distraught over our lack of communication.” Dirk’s fingers were busy wrangling each other, face impassive. Roxy pinched his cheek, stage-whispered a ‘ _bingo!_ ’.

“Okay, so we’re talking now, problem solved?” Dave tried. “What, little birdie left the nest, mom is having separation anxiety, I’ll send more postcards, can we stop being weird now, cool, thanks.”

“Wow,” Rose breathed. 

“Nice try, bab.” Roxy ushered him to sit down. “Your edgy misanthropy is def something I wanna talk about but we have other fish to fillet r-n.”

Dave scowled. “Ok, not that I don’t totally dig your ‘using-phrases-incorrectly’ shtick but is that even a conscious action at this point? Can you turn it off? Are you stuck like that?” 

“Language is a social construct,” Rose hummed. Roxy beamed at her.  
“Talk dirty linguistics to me.” Dirk sat back, rubbed under his shades. “How much longer is this going to take because—“

“Dirk thinks you hate him,” Roxy interrupted, speaking directly to Dave before looking over to Rose. “Dave thinks you hate him.” She sat back, shrugged. “An’ I’m way too sober to watch you dance around the sub so.”

“Who are you calling a sub,” Dirk muttered.

Roxy elbowed him. “Gay humour can’t save you now,” she said. “This is serious business.” She pronounced the words as if they ended in ‘z’s. “We’re talking this out. Full house on this sucker. It’ll be a bomb.”

Rose sighed, looked over. “Dave, I don’t hate you.”

He wanted to not be there. “Cool.”

“I’m still upset with you, however.”

“That’s okay too.”

“I can be upset with you and not hate you.” Why was she still talking. “You know that, right?”

“Yeah, clear as a picture, thanks.” He cleared his throat. Roxy was watching him, expectant. “And. Uh.”

This felt really fucking weird. “I don’t… hate Dirk?”

Rose gave him a stinkeye. “He’s right there.”

He wasn’t meeting his eyes. “I don’t hate you?”

Dirk snorted. Dave had to admit, it was pretty weak.

“Okay, so this isn’t working.” Roxy shared an exasperated look with her sister. “I’m officially out of ideas. Anyone?”

“I’m leaving,” Dirk announced— Roxy grabbed his arm before he could get up.

“Nah,” she said. 

“I am, though.” Dave rushed to get to his feet, towards the door. “Thanks for the feelings jam, it was great, Rox is the best, love you all.”

“Dave!” 

“Roxy!” He was already at the doorway— her face made him freeze in his tracks.

“Please.” Her eyes were glossy. 

Slumping, he let his hand drop. She mouthed a ‘thank you’.

“I really don’t hate him,” he added. 

“He’s right—”

“Yeah, okay Rose, thanks.” He groaned, rubbed at his face. “I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you, dunno, I’ll try better, I don’t hold any grudges, can I go now.”

A beat. “No.” 

He slumped even further.

Roxy was smiling. “But nice try.”

“What do you want me to—”

“Are we supposed to believe there was no ulterior motive for you moving out?” Rose asked. “Because you’ve been crashing at mine and Kanaya’s apartment for a while now and if your complaints are anything to go by we were not your prime choice.”

Dave clenched his jaw. “If you want me to leave you can just say—”

Rose slumped back. “Jesus christ.”

“Dave—” Roxy interjected.

He cut her off with a hand motion. “Look, maybe I just wasn’t comfortable there— is that so hard to believe?” He met Dirk’s eyes. He didn’t look surprised. “That place was a wild fucking ride, maybe I just wanted out.”

Dirk looked away. “Fair enough.”

A beat. _Get out, get out, now’s the chance._

“Okay, literally fuck you.”

“Phrasing,” from Rose’s direction— Dave decidedly ignored it.

“You call me out on acting passive-aggressive? Are we all seeing this shit?” He looked at Roxy- she raised her arms as if in surrender. “Maybe I just— okay, maybe I did hate being around you. Maybe I just didn’t want to sleep and eat and _exist_ next to someone I know hates seeing my face—”

Roxy’s face fell. Dirk grew pale.

“Wow, he can’t even deny it.” Dave laughed, acid in his throat. “You know he was only worried I hated him because of his weird-ass projection thing hitting the mark once again.”

Dirk’s voice was ice. “I don’t hate you.”

“Oh, sorry.” Dave grabbed the door handle, yanked it open. “You only blame me for making you kill your fucking dad.”

Roxy’s mouth fell open. Rose sat up.

“I’m out,” he announced, to no one in particular. No one tried to stop him, either.

__

 

TT: Sigh.

EB: oooh again?

EB: spill, spill, spill :D

TT: Family drama overload.

TT: TG had an uncharacteristically emotional exit, though.

TT: Would you mind checking in on him?

EB: oh damn

EB: can’t you do that i don’t like emotions. :/

TT: EB.

EB: don’t eb me he’s your brother!!

TT: Must you remind me.

TT: All jokes aside, I tried.

TT: He’s not replying.

TT: I’m not saying have a heart-to-heart, or anything that “””unmanly”””.

EB: this has zero things to do with my toxic masculinity and all things to do with tg being a colossal pain when cornered and you know that.

TT: Point.

EB: but sure, i can check up on him if you wanna.

EB: because im good like that :B

TT: I am so grateful I am crying literal tears.

TT: I’d be washing your feet in them, but alas, we are not acquainted in real life.

EB: aww that was so sweet and also kinda gross.

TT: That does not look like a status report on my brother? I must be confused.

EB: mmm calm the pada.

TT: pada?

EB: passive aggressive displays of affection.

EB: duh :B

TT: I’ll ditch the passive if you need me to.

—

EB: hi!

TG: sup

EB: not much, hbu? :B

TG: tell my sister to fuck off

EB: oh.

—

EB: (sent a screenshot)

TT: Oh.

TT: thank you for trying.

__

 

GG: did you tell your sister to fuck off through my cousin?? Seriously??

GG: whats going on :/

TG: jesus whats up with all the nosy broads today

GG: whats up with YOU ?? youre being a huge dick and im really not that into that :(

TG: are you usually into me

TG: jeez gg sex me up while im down

GG: wow that was funny!!! 

GG: still not dropping the subject :)

TG: why are you so fucking chipper all the time

GG: ummm because im not a loser who thinks being a cynical asshole makes him look cool maybe? 

GG: yeah i think thats the reason :)

TG: ouch and ouch

GG: stop avoiding my question!!

TG: what was the question

GG: whats up with you today!!

TG: oh

TG: ok jesus

TG: i just blew up at my brother am i not allowed to do that

TG: isnt that like the point of having a family

TG: its between the two of us okay

TG: and its not a free for all to see so you can tell rose to back off

GG: umm you can tell her that yourself??

GG: no need to be mean.

TG: ok fair

GG: yeah i know !

TG: im sorry

GG: :/

GG: i just dont want you to deal with bad stuff alone.

TG: yeah

TG: thanks

TG: i really appreciate it but there isnt anything you can do

GG: ok! I can live with that

GG: just remember im here whenever ok??

TG: noted

TG: literally noted im writing it down as we speak

GG: :)) loser

TG: love you too seductress

TG: off to a friends place

TG: ttyl

GG: ok!! Have a nice time :)

__

 

Knocking at the doors. Karkat bolted upright, a piece of paper stuck to his face; his brain was still hazy with sleep, mouth dry.

Knocking continued. He shot out of his chair, rushed to the living room.

“Jesus, coming!” 

It was Dave. No surprise there. Karkat scowled, a smile tugging through. Dave nodded in a greeting.

“Why, hello.” Karkat stepped back to let him in. “Dave Strider showing up at my doorstep unannounced, that’s a first.”

“Okay, can the sass,” Dave said. “Would you let me crash at your couch if I pay for take-out?”

“Depends on the kind.” Finally realizing the other wasn’t about to move, Karkat tugged Dave into the room and closed the doors behind them. “What the fuck happened.”

Dave slumped into the couch with way more flair than necessary. “I made a scene.”

“You? Impossible.”

Dave glowered up over the edge of his shades.

Karkat snorted. “Want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” He pulled up his phone. “How does Chinese sound?”

“Like you might even get a blanket.”

They pulled up Sollux’s Netflix account, decided on a weird-ass documentary about baby capybaras. Dave let him have his sweet-sour sauce. Karkat decided he was enjoying himself.

Somehow they ended up under the same blanket— enough space between them for it to still be completely platonic, though, Karkat needed to find some chill _now_ — with a sigh, Dave rolled his head around and pouted.

Karkat raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“I fucked up.”

Sighing, he moved to better face Dave. The other muted the TV, pushed up his sunglasses.

“Uh, so.” He was blushing— it was dark as hell but Karkat was willing to bet his life on the fact that Dave was _blushing_. Fuck. “Sollux said ne told you about my family…”

A beat. “Yeah.” Karkat was now blushing too. “Um.”

“Yeah okay it’s unnecessarily dramatic, I’m an orphan, sob.” He was avoiding Karkat’s eyes. “You know about Dirk’s dad?”

 

Karkat bit his lip. “That he was an ass?”

“Okay, besides that.” Dave cracked a smile— it looked forced. “About his. Uh. Death?”

Karkat grimaced.

“So that’s a yes.”

Karkat grimaced again.

“Um. Did Sollux mention. Fuck.” Dave rubbed his face again. “Cal kind of. Had a thing for me. Like a negative thing, not a sexy thing. Like—”

Karkat gave him a moment to recollect his thoughts— it felt like watching a trainwreck happen. 

“I think he wanted to like, kill me or something,” his voice cracked at that. Karkat fought the urge to reach out, comfort. “At least maim me, I don’t know, sometimes I’d wake up and he’d be in my room and his hand would be behind his back and—”

He paused to breathe. Karkat’s hands were aching to reach out.

“So, uh. You know Roxy kind of took us away.” Dave pushed the shades back down. “Dirk killed him.”

“Are you sure?” He had to ask. 

Dave fixed him with a look. 

“Nevermind.”

“I said he blames me for making him kill his dad and he didn’t correct me, so.” 

“You didn’t make him do shit!” Karkat exploded. 

Dave blinked.

“No, seriously, fuck that noise.” He sat up, leaned in. “His dad was a dangerous asshole— okay, I don’t know the full situation but the gist is pretty fucking hard to miss. Dirk made the decision — the really smart decision, might I add— on his own.”

“Dude,” Dave said. “You don’t know either of them.”

“I’m making an educated guess.”

Dave wheeze-laughed. Karkat shoved him with his foot.

“Plus, like. You couldn’t make anyone do shit?” He continued. “You were, how old?” 

Dave shrugged. “Fifteen-ish.” 

“Exactly!” Karkat felt sick. “That’s young.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“How old was Dirk?”

“Seventeen.”

Karkat blanched. 

“... You okay there?”

“Wasn’t Cal like, insanely powerful?” 

Dave shrugged. His jaw was clenched. “Yeah.”

Okay, that was the universally recognized drop-the-subject signal.

Karkat was always bad at reading those.

“How’d Dirk do that?”

“I don’t fucking know!” Dave hissed. “He just. Called Roxy one day. Porrim ran some tests so they assured us it’s safe but I’m not about to walk up to my brother and be, yeah, hey, remember when you had to gank your dad because he was preying on me, how did you do that asking for a friend.” 

Karkat felt his eyes burning— _no, no, fuck that_. “I am so sorry.”

Dave made a grimace. “Look, sorry for bringing this up.”

“No, fuck.” He reached out, grabbed Dave’s hand. They both stared at the intertwined fingers for a beat.

“Uh,” Dave said.

Karkat pulled the hand back. Neither said anything.

“I need to apologize,” Dave finally said. 

Karkat nodded.

“I’m going to go phone Roxy.” Dave continued. “Um. Thanks for listening?”

“Any time.” Karkat’s voice was squeaky. 

Dave took the phone call to the kitchen. Karkat wasn’t aware he’d fallen asleep until he woke up the next morning, sun high in the sky and Dave gone. 

__

 

**sad gamer assholery**

CG: SOMEBODY KILL ME NOW.

CG: sorry, caps lock was on.

CC: good morning to you too!!

CG: why good fucking morning, you’re preppy as fuck and no one is surprised, what else is new.

CG: what????? no witticisms from the peanut gallery???? i am in SHOCK.

CG: also i am not joking and i will pay for a quick death. 

CC: im good thanks !! 8D

CG: UGHHHHHHH.

AC: :33 somebody seems to be in a good mood!

CG: i want to die.

TA: dude thats old news switch it up

AA: 0u0

AA: what happened?

AC: yessss spill the tea

AC: :33 (is ready for the tea)

TA: hahahha freaky cat girl never change

AC: :33 (purrs)

TA: no you know what i change my mind

AA: 00

AA: that was the eyes emoji

AA: (this chat format is limiting)

CC: shhhhhhh you two karkat was about to freak out!

CG: THANK YOU.

CC: youre welcome! :D

CG: I HAVE A CRUSH

CG: accidental caps lock, sorry.

CC: oh??????????????????? 8DDDDD

AC: :33!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TA: holy shit is this about dave

TA: holy shit it totally is

CG: you can't prove a THING.

TA: yea he totally wants you back go 4 it

AA: what what what

AA: oh

AA: yes fef told me he was all over you in the cafe

AA: in the words of my qpp

AA: go for it 00

AA: (i added the eyes)

TA: (holy shit i LOVE you)

CG: first off all, you’re gross, jesus christ.

CG: second of all,

CG: when did qpps happen?

CC: Just last night!! And I didn’t even need to meddle 8)

CG: shit?? Congrats ??

CG: fucking finally???

AC: :3 yesssssssss join the qpp side

AC: i am supurr proud of you guys!

TA: its funny because neither of us is a guy

AC: :3

TA: also ignoring that purr thing you furry freak

AA: purry*

TA: ok we need to break up

AA: I love you too

TA: <3

AA: <3

CC: The three of us are all at the same couch just for a frame of reference.

CC: It’s adorabubble 8D

TA: what the fuck

TA: can we get together so i can break up with you too

CC: Sure!

AA: 00 

CC: You mean 0u0?

AA: yes actually

AA: 0u0

CG: ok great they have their life under control.

CG: kind of.

CG: back to my problems!!

TA: lmao

CG: does he really??? Like me??

CG: did he say something???

TA: he said a lot

TA: oral makes him chatty

CC: Okayyyy i am officially in need of a context 8/

TA: kk has a thing for my casual fuckbuddy whatup

CC: Oooooh!!! I see 8D

CC: Go for it!! Go for it!!

CG: can you stop being a bunch of dicks for like three seconds does he seriously like me?

TA: aaa daddy does he like like me

CG: wha the fuck

AA: 00

TA: jesus on a cracker yes does he keeps talking about you and sure doesnt spend so much time in our apartment for my nonexistent company

TA: get your head out of your ass you anal prolapse

CG: no, seriously, what’s wrong with you.

AC: (is eating popcorn)

AC: (a little grossed out because you keep bringing up butts but)

CG: okay but that brings me to the problem.

CG: like great, a hot guy wants to bang me, that should be nice.

CG: EXCEPT the asexuality thing is still not gone!! Not magically cured by a cute guy!!! 

TA: your taste in men is atrocious

CG: how much of a hypocrite do you need to be?? you’ve literally put your dick in his mouth???

TA: ive put my dick in worse places

CC: You did?

AA: down girl

CC: 8D

AC: :3 (officially too grossed out for popcorn)

AC: :3 (also wants to remind karkat he’s not the only aroace spec person here so he needs to find his chill)

CG: ok you have a point.

CG: as usual. 

CG: sorry.

AC: You’re furrgiven!

TA: seriously you all need to stop

CG: yes okay anyways! I don’t want to jump his dick, what do I do.

AA: dont jump his dick

AA: just a suggestion

TA: yeah also fair warning he doesnt have a dick

CG: what?

TA: a dick

TA: he has zero of those

CG: ????? why the FUCK are you telling me this?

CG: i won’t be jumping his dick or lack of thereof, ever.

CC: The negative dick ! 

CG: feferi peixes i swear to god bring freud up one more time,

AA: 0u0

__

 

CG: hey.

TA: are you gonna ask me to tell him for you

CG: ,,,

CG: would you?

TA: jesus

TA: just for the record i hate you both

__

 

TA: hey so are you planning on jumping karkats bones or what

TG: why good morning to you too sweetkin

TG: is that really the phrase it doesnt feel like a phrase

TG: ok i googled it and learned jack shit but the term boner used to indicate an erect penis first got into print in 1966

TG: steve rogers must have been so heartbroken can you imagine being alive in 66 and not being awake to witness it

TG: trapped under ice while history is being made

TG: “when i was a child boner still meant a mistake”

TG: “but as i look at you tony stark i feel like the old meaning is fitting”

TG: shit i should write stony

TA: ok cool

TA: btw karkat doesnt do sex

TG: its an au in which cap doesnt have standards and tony can get it up

TG: wait rewind

TA: ngl i didnt see this one coming

TA: i thought rdj would be your type

TG: first of all im so fucking offended team hawkeye hashtag dadbod

TG: second of all what

__

 

TA: done n done

CG: what did he say??

TA: that hes into hawkeyes dadbod

CG: 

CG: what. 

__

 

The doors chimed open, scent of ground coffee hitting Jade heavy in the face. She scanned the room for Callie— not here yet— and moved towards the short queue. 

She met Calliope first year of college. She’d been so nervous about it, kept Jane’s number on ready-to-dial the whole morning; Callie walked in out of breath and with bags spilling out of her arms, taller and broader than Jade was, eyes big and shy. 

She was happy to plant-sit every time Jade had to leave on an emergency. They shared hand cream and chapstick. She was the best person to room with, period. 

Jade was sure using her for intel was the same amount of bad as every other bad thing she ever did summed up. 

“Can I help you?”

“Oh.” She snapped out of her thoughts, returned the patron’s smile. “Sorry. Yes. Uh.”

They laughed— they had a really nice laugh, really nice collarbones. “Still early?”

It was nearing noon. Jade still nodded. “Kind of.”

She ordered tea, took a seat.

The patron’s eyes trailed after her. “Is your date late?”

Jade looked up. It’d barely been five minutes. The patron was leaning over her table, a smile on their face.

“It’s not a date,” she said.

The corners of their eyes crinkled. “So you’re on your own, or?”

“Waiting for a friend,” Jade replied, sat up straighter. It hit her, finally, that she might be getting hit on. “We set the time really vague. You’re free?”

The patron blinked.

“As in, off duty.” Jade was glad they couldn’t see her flush. 

“Oh.” They bit their lip. “Yeah.”

_You got this._ “Do you have somewhere you need to be?”

“Not really.” They were grinning.

Jade felt a surge of nerve. “Sit down?” She reached over to move her things. “I mean, if you want to.”

“Sure.” They were in the chair within a second. “Jade, right? I’m Feferi.”

__

 

_April 2012_

He got the doll for his sixth birthday. His mother never liked it, but he did; it had a habit of moving on its own and back then he still found that endearing.

It was a gift from his dad. It was— well.

His parents weren’t talking and he was six, and if his dad was willing to possess a puppet to spend time with him, Dirk was damn well ready to take it. It did look a bit like his father; Roxy once jokingly called it Lil’ Cal, and the name stuck.

The puppet didn’t like Dave, didn’t like Jasper. Didn’t like anyone but him. Many would have called that a red flag but Dirk graduated at denial sum laude. Besides, he kept the thing on him at all times; he made sure it wouldn’t be able to harm his brother.

It’d been three years since Roxy took the twins away; Cal was yet to find them, and not for the lack of trying. 

_Guess she really was that good at hiding._

Cal showed up late that night, weak and angry. Dirk was mid-dozing off over his homework when the puppet barked him awake, screaming for the anti-venom; he passed his father’s abandoned body on the way to the kitchen, its skin waxy and pale and lips going black— 

He paused. _This is a horrible idea._

He returned to his room. The puppet was spewing curses; Dirk pulled out his phone, opened the saved memo.

“What are you doing, you brat—” 

Dirk read the incantation aloud, avoided all eye contact. It called for blood; he cut his palm open with Arianna’s old sword, let a gollop of thick black liquid drip into the puppet’s mouth.

“What the fuck do you _think_ —”

It didn’t feel like anything had happened. Shrugging, Dirk gripped the sword tighter and walked back to the living room.

Cal’s body still seemed empty enough. He tried to block out the puppet screaming as he sliced into its neck, flinched at its absence as he cut through the vocal chords. 

He went back to get the doll, once he was sure the body wouldn’t heal itself. It was gone, predictably. He found it in Cal’s room, on the bed; its mouth opened and closed, producing no sound.

“I’m sorry,” he said. He was not yet sure if he meant it. There was pure rage, throbbing from somewhere inside his mind— almost audible in intensity.

His father couldn’t scream but he was trying to.

“You’re in my head,” he noticed. The screaming stopped, changed into a low rumble, something like a chuckle. “Have fun, I guess.”

It took the aluminium suitcase three days to arrive; he got some rosemary, some rubber gloves. The herb stung even through the protective layer but Dirk grit his teeth and worked through it. He made sure to get a thick coverage on the inside, went to find Cal.

He was angry again. He kept jumping around the room, bellowing into Dirk’s head. Tired out after an hour.

Dirk picked him up, threw him into the suitcase, flipped the lock; shoved it into his closet.  
He phoned Roxy; she answered after one ring. He couldn’t speak. His throat felt dry. His father’s disembodied, puppet-tied, and tortured soul was so loud he thought he was going to pass out.

“Can I come over?” Roxy asked.

“It’s safe,” he managed. His voice felt dry.

“Yeah, I’m coming over.”

She showed up with Porrim. Dirk was grateful.

They carried the body out. Porrim looked disgusted. He sat in the bathtub long after the water ran cold— _of course she’s disgusted, he’s your_ father _—_

Roxy had to coach him out of the tub; his fingers had pruned up.

“Is Porrim still here?” 

“Yes.” Her eyes were worried. “She wants to know how you did it.”

He didn’t answer.

“Should I tell her to leave?”

He shrugged.

She squeezed his hand. “Dirk?”

“I’m _fine_.”

“Dirk—“

“Just tired.”

She was biting her lower lip. “Want me to help you to your bed?”

That was where he’d— he shook his head, maybe bit too feverishly.

She was still calm, god fucking bless her. “Want to go to our place?”

He couldn’t leave the puppet alone; he shook his head again.

“The couch— fuck, forget I said that.” 

He laughed. 

The corners of her eyes wrinkled. “My old room?”

“Sure.” 

She let him take the bed, phoned Rose when she thought he’d fallen asleep.

Cal would not shut up. 

__

 

_September 2015_

He wasn’t fine, holy shit, he wasn’t fine.

It’s been years and the laughter wasn’t going away and Dirk would have been able to live with it, he’d gladly live with it, if it weren’t for the times it grew stronger, as if to remind him—

_Cal was alive he was still very alive and if he got out—_

Dirk gave him an immortal body. An immortal body tied to his by spells he wasn’t sure he fully understood, let alone knew how to break or control; all information on the incantation was so vague but made it clear it went both ways and if Cal could figure it out first—

He should have just killed him, he should have just killed Cal in his sleep. He—

Cruel mercy was his least favourite trope, made sense he’d pull that in real life. He condemned his biological father to a life inside a wooden contraption because he couldn’t make himself take a life and now the thing was going to kill _everything_.

He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think. He dug his nails into his forearm, held his breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> s/o to actual steve rogers for being my beta (to be found @tumbler as trans-jedi) i love you get a parachute


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like incest jokes round 2

**August 2010**

Working a night club wasn’t the worst summer job one could land— sure, the music was loud and the customers got a bit much occasionally but Jane had handled worse. It also provided a way to scout out demonic presence whilst simultaneously saving up for college, which really wasn’t something she’d ever pass up on.

She poured another drink for the mayhaps-too-friendly fellow down the counter, returned his smile; wondered if pushy customers counted as a call-Jake emergency (“no, he’s not a demon, but if you could still roughhouse him a little that’d be swell”); snuck another look at the way-too-young looking girl sat at the table near the entrance.

She was thin, pale; her make-up was dark and her shirt barely covered anything. She was chatting to a guy who seemed to be about Jane’s age, or older; Jane wasn’t sure how to feel about the whole thing.

Then there were tables that needed serving and drinks that needed pouring and the girl slipped her mind almost completely.

She was forced to remember her some forty minutes later, as the girl herself showed up at the counter, eyes hazy and shirt slipping almost entirely off her shoulder. She was nursing a Long Island Iced Tea – smudged eye-liner and cracked lipstick couldn’t hide the obvious baby face.

“Hey,” Jane slid a glass of water next to her, leaned in to be heard over the music. The girl perked out, beamed at her. “You doing okay?”

“I’m great!” Her speech was slurred, movement uncoordinated. “This for me?”

Jane nodded – the girl downed the glass in record time, sighed contently.

“You saved my life,” she said, winked. “What’s your name?”

“Jane.” Jane forced back a laugh. “You?”

“Roxy.” The girl flashed her a peace sign. “You work here?”

“Yeah,” Jane said. “You old enough to be here?”

Roxy pressed a finger to her lips, winked.

Jane decided to keep a close eye on her.

It was twenty minutes until the end of Jane’s shift when a man twice her age approached Roxy, leaned in dangerously close.

_Oh, heck no._

The guy working with her agreed to cover her back. Jane collected her things as quickly as possible, walked up to the pair.

“Hey.” She slid in-between them; the guy looked mildly annoyed. “Who are you?”

“Who are _you_?” The guy tried to peek past her. “You know her?”

Roxy just laughed. She seemed drunker than before.

“I’m her roommate,” she lied; if the way Roxy was clinging to the back of her shirt was any indication, she was happy to go with the story. “We’re leaving now.”

“Look—”

“I’m looking.” Jane stepped forward; he stepped back. “And I don’t like what I see.”

“Jesus, chill.” At least he backed off.

She got Roxy outside— the girl was mostly incoherent, but compliant enough. The air wasn’t exactly cool but cooler than the inside of the club; Jane let Roxy slide down onto the pavement, crouched down next to her.

“Hey,” she tried. “Where do you live?”

Roxy mumbled something. Jane swore.

_Jake will know what to do._

“I haven’t an idea what to do,” Jake said upon his arrival, half an hour later. “What is the proper procedure for drunken youth? Are there shelters?”

“I’m not leaving her at a shelter!” Jane was still crouching next to her impromptu protégé; her thighs were starting to strain. “Can we… I don’t know. Can we bring her home with us?”

“Will she be happy about that?”

“I’ll let her have my bed.” Jane insisted.

“Will James be happy about that?”

“He’s not home, so.”

Jake made a face. Jane responded in kind.

They ended up taking Roxy home with them.

She agreed to drink a glass of water, didn’t make much noise. Jane took her shoes off for her, tucked her into her own bed, got herself a blanket, and settled onto the couch.

_Fingers crossed she doesn’t rob us in our sleep._

—

Roxy, luckily enough, did not do any robbing. Jane woke up to find her half-way down the stairs, shoes in her hand.

“Roxy?”

The girl froze.

Jane sat up, rubbed the sleep from her eyes. “Where are you going?”

“Do I know you?” Roxy replied.

Jane laughed, threw her covers off. “Well, you were pretty drunk when we met.”

Roxy made a face. “Yea, I do that.”

“You were too out of it to give me an address yesterday so I just took you home with is,” Jane started explaining. “Is that okay? Do you have somewhere you need to be?”

“Um, not really.” Roxy rubbed at the back of her neck, shrugged. “I mean, my phone died and I never got back to my siblings so they might be freaking out but other than that—“

“You can use our phone,” Jane offered. Roxy’s smile, despite the smeared black make-up and terrible bedhead, was nothing short of angelic.

The phone-call was brief; Roxy whispered into the phone, kept making faces. Jane got her a painkiller, some water; decided to offer some eggs, some vegan alternatives.

She looked like she could be vegan.

“Is everything okay?” She asked as Roxy returned. Roxy made another face. “Your parents angry?”

“Uh, I don’t really have any.” Well, that explained things. “But Rose— she acts like my mom sometimes— she’s pretty angry.”

“How old are you?” Jane slid the glass and medicine over. Roxy accepted it, blushed.

“How old are you?”

“I asked first.”

Roxy rolled her eyes, swallowed the pill dry. “Almost fifteen.”

Jane would have blanched, if she hadn’t sort of seen it coming. “ _How_ did you get in yesterday?”

Roxy shrugged. “Boobs.”

“No offence, but you don’t have much of those,” Jane said.

Roxy laughed. “Ok, true.” She tugged at her shirt, blushed. “Your bouncer is a sleaze.”

Jane suspected so. “Huh.”

“Yeah.” Roxy was still blushing. “Um. I should thank you, I think? You didn’t have to“

“You were obviously underage and, besides, way too drunk.” Jane interrupted. “I did what any sensible person would.”

Roxy shrugged again. “Did I… do anything weird? Try anything weird?”

“You weren’t in a state to try anything.” Jane decided to offer her a banana.

“Thank Jesus.”

Jane laughed again. “If you need a ride home, my cousin will probably be up soon.”

Roxy perked up at that. Jane gave her a banana.

Jake seemed somewhat irked by being woken up so early, so Jane decided to tag along for the ride. Roxy was quiet for the most of it, chewing on her lip and eyeing Jake in the rear-view mirror. Jane wondered if she fancied him— a lot of girls did. Wondered if Roxy did the sort of thing she’d done yesterday often. Wondered if she should slip her a number, make a positive influence. Wondered why she felt so protective.

The address they pulled up next to was a motel— a really sleazy, really dodgy-looking motel. Jake side-eyed Roxy through the mirror.

“This is where you live?”

“It’s temporary.” She shrugged.

“What, a vacation?”

“Yeah.” She was going for the handle. Jane reached out, held her in place.

“Hey,” she whispered. “Is everything okay?”

A hint of something odd appeared in Roxy’s eyes— then it was gone, and she was smiling. “Yeah! Thanks, really, for everything— you didn’t have to.”

“It’s quite all right.” Jake beamed at her. “It was no trouble.”

“Who do you live with?” Jane insisted. Jake was shooting question marks in her direction.

“With my family.” Roxy scooted away. “Can I go now?”

“Jane?”

“She’s an orphan.”

Jake’s eyes widened. “Are you on your own?”

“No, I’m with my— ho _lyshit_.”

There was someone storming up to their car. If Jane was to go by the colour of his hair and Roxy’s reaction, they were related. He pulled the doors open; Roxy basically threw herself into his arms, held him tight.

“Uh.” Jake said. Jane shared the sentiment.

“Roxy? Situation report?” The stranger glanced over Roxy’s shoulder, met Jane’s eyes. “She the bartender?”

“Yeah.” Roxy pulled away from the hug but was still holding onto his arm, still gazing at him. “How are you here?”

He shot her a look that was less than friendly. “Rose called me saying you went out and didn’t come back and I _panicked_.”

She pulled a face. “I’m back now.”

“You left them alone for the night!”

“I didn’t plan to!”

“They’re _kids_ —“

“Uh, excuse me?” Jake had rolled his window down somewhere during the argument, and was now leaning out. “I couldn’t help but overhear.”

The boy stopped shooting daggers at Roxy and was now staring at Jake— or so Jane assumed, because he had a pair of the most ridiculous eyewear on, what was with the kids today, honestly.

_Jane, you’re twenty._

“Uh.” The guy said. Jake reached out a hand; the stranger shook it.

“I’m Jake,” he said, smiling— wow, the guy was smitten, alright.

“Dirk,” he said. He was blushing. Roxy’s eyes flew between the two boys, met Jane’s. Jane snorted.

“Is everything all right with you two?”

“Yeah— yes.” Dirk shook his head. “We’re just, uh.”

“Nice,” Roxy whispered. Dirk elbowed her.

“Who were the ‘they’ you were discussing?” Jane had to intervene. Dirk flinched, apparently having forgotten she was there.

“No one,” he said.

Jane scowled. “How old are you?”

“Eighteen.”

“Bullshit,” Jake said. Dirk’s jaw clenched.

“I didn’t lie about my age,” Roxy sing-sang.

Dirk sighed. “You did yesterday.”

“Nope!” She giggled. “There was a thirty year old guy who said he didn’t mind.”

“Holy shit,” Jake and Dirk said in unison. Jane shared the sentiment.

“Okay, do you guys need— like—“ Jane was at loss for words. Dirk raised an eyebrow. “An adult?”

“I’m an adult,” Dirk insisted.

Jake rolled his eyes. “Show me an ID.”

Oddly determined, Dirk dug out a driver’s licence. It read _Dirk Zahhak, 21._

“You’re twenty-one now?” Jake noted, amused. “Wow, kids really do grow up fast these days.”

“Shut up,” Dirk snatched the ID back. “You can leave now.”

“You’re parentless teenagers with no supervision, and apparently more children in your care.” Jane insisted. “We’re not going anywhere.”

“Uh, what she said.” Bless Jake English, always the support.

Dirk shot Roxy one last glower. She avoided his eyes, mouthed an apology. 

—

**October 2015**

There was a knock on his doors. Dirk sighed, closed the textbook.

“Di _ii_ rk.” Roxy knocked again. “Social etiquette obliges you to let me in now.”

“Fight the system,” he replied.

The doors opened. Roxy had a hand over her eyes.

“Decent?”

“No,” he deadpanned. She peeked through her fingers.

“Liar.”

“You sound almost disappointed.”

“O-kay, your brother’s gone, you can stop trying to make him uncomfortable.” She walked over to his bed, flopped down. “Speaking of!”

“What a smooth transition.”

“I-k-r.” She tucked her feet under herself, blinked up at him. “We gotta talk.”

“Do we really?” He was grating his own nerves. “You keep bringing up all these social imperatives like they’re supposed to mean squat shit.”

“This is a Roxy imperative.”

“Oh shit.”

“That’s like, squat shit squared.”

“Will not disagree.”

She grinned. “Okay. I know you don’t want to have this convo.”

“Understatement.”

“And I’m not super psyched about it either.”

“Get to the point.”

She bit her lip, exhaled. “Someone’s stirring shit up further west.”

“... Okay?”

“Like, humans-going-missing-and-demons-going-dead kinda shit.” She rested her chin on her knee, frowned. “An’ it’s becoming sort of a problem.”

“Hm.” He ran a hand over the keyboard to wake his laptop up, brought up the first news site. “Any specific towns?”

“Try L.A. onwards.” She walked up, peeked over his shoulder.

“Do we know who it is?”

“Not for sure.”

“But we think...”

A pause. Dirk looked over, raised an eyebrow.

Roxy was biting her lip. “Porrim thinks it’s Condy.”

Another pause. “Am I supposed to know who that is or—“

“Remember Meenah?” She interrupted.

Dirk raked his brain. “Feferi’s cousin? Long braids?”

“Yeah, you high-fived her once at that family BBQ and then never talked to her again.”

“Ah.” He nodded. “She was all right.”

“Her mum.”

“What about her mum?”

“She’s an asshole.”

_Relatable_. “Why does Porrim think it’s her?”

“Uh-oh, so.” Dirk snorted as Roxy settled down next to him. “She has this feud with Damara—”

“Damara?”

“Yeah, Aradia’s sister.”

“Aradia?”

“Okay, you’re just fucking with me now.”

He laughed.

She slapped the back of his head. “Anyways!” she sighed. “Damara apparently stopped Condy from turning this one kid because she thought she was going to weaponize him, like, ten years ago.”

“Stopped her as in—” he caught sight of Roxy’s face. “Oh, she let him die.”

Roxy shook her head, as if to rid herself of the image. “Damara says it’s very her.”

“Can we trust Damara?”

“Don’t ask philosophical questions this early in the morning.”

It was almost noon but Dirk wasn’t about to object. “So, what are we to do?”

“Damara is off to pay Condy a visit.” Roxy leaned into his side. “Call her out? Porrim says she promised to ‘cut it in the root if necessary’, so…”

“Did you just make me an accomplice to a 1st degree homicide.”

She giggled. He slung an arm around her, squeezed her shoulder.

“They also think she might have an accomplice.”

“Hm.” He felt her tense, removed his arm. There was a bad feeling acting up in him. “Any specific reason?”

“Yeah, some people said her methods are, uhm.” She made an exasperated nose. “Kinda familiar?”

Dirk forced his breathing to remain regular. “Ha.”

“They want to know if you’re sure Cal is gone.”

He slammed his laptop shut. Roxy jumped up.

“It’s not him.” 

“Dirk—”

“There is not the slightest chance of him aiding her in any way.”

“And I believe you, but—”

She didn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t reply. 

The moment stretched on. Finally, Roxy sighed.

“I’ll go check up on Dave.”

He nodded. Another beat, and then she was gone. 

—

**August 2010**

“Your ice cream is dripping.”

“Fuck!” Roxy lapped up the dripping syrup of her hand, beamed at Jane. “Thanks.”

Jane rolled her eyes. “You’re a mess.”

“I think you’re pretty cool too.”

“Har-har.”

Jake was teaching Dirk how to change a tire. Dirk seemed way too focused on Jake’s forearms.

“Not to pry but...”

Roxy sighed. “Yeah, Dirk’s super gay for your cousin.”

“Oh, boy.” 

Roxy glanced up, mistified. “Is Jake like, super straight?”

“Jake’s, like, almost nineteen.”

“So?”

“Dirk’s fifteen.”

“Yeah?”

Jane blinked. Roxy seemed honestly confused.

“Jesus,” she breathed. “You really need an adult.”

Roxy opened her mouth to speak.

“One that will _not_ take advantage of you apparently not respecting the importance of the age of consent,” Jane went on. “How are you still alive?”

Roxy threw her hands up in the air. “Mayyicks.”

Jane sighed.

“No, but seriously,” Roxy went on. “There’s this girl that works in the motel and her mum takes care of us normally— they’re on a vacation now, though, so...”

“So it’s party central for you.” Jane finished.

Roxy’s face flushed.

“Why do you do that?”

Roxy shrugged. “I’m young.”

“There’s difference between having fun and putting yourself in that much danger.”

Roxy frowned. “I’m not in danger.”

“Roxy, those men are way too old and way too—“ Jane was at loss for words. “You’ll get killed, or worse!”

Roxy was avoiding her eyes.

“Roxy!”

“Okay, I fucked up.” The girl wasn’t meeting her eyes. “I made a mistake, I learned, won’t do it again.”

“That is not what I’m trying to communicate and you know it.”

Roxy sniffed. “Just drop it.”

“I’m not dropping— Roxy?”

Roxy was facing downwards, fringe obstructing her face; her shoulders were shaking slightly, breath hitched. 

Jane snuck a glance towards the boys—they seemed unaware enough, too focused on their work. She leaned in, grabbed Roxy’s hand.

“Hey.”

“I’m trying,” Roxy managed. Her eyes were puffy. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize!”

Roxy shook her head. “Sorry, fuck.”

“Come here,” Jane scooted closer, opened her arms wide — Roxy only hesitated for a second before going for the hug, still shaking.

“It’s going to be okay,” Jane promised. 

Roxy laughed into her shoulder.

“We’ll help you.”

“You won’t be here forever.”

“You can’t know that.” 

Roxy started crying harder.

—

**October 2015**

tg: sup

tg: sup

tg: sup

tg: sup

TG: is this what i sound like

tg: hi!!!!!!!

TG: i love you too mum

tg: <3

tg: anyways!! Asl

tg: emphasis on the l

tg: but u can overshare if ywanna ;D

TG: this family was a mistake

TG: like do you ever wonder if the only reason we didnt end up like that weird disney chanel show with pseudo-incestuous inter-actor chemistry is bc half of us are gay

TG: were the weird brady bunch sequel nobody talks about

TG: were the first season of the fosters

TG: @god how do you cancel a real life story arc

tg: ily but u gotta shut up now

TG: im at aradias

tg:

tg: hhhhhhh holy shit

— 

TA: are you fucking serious

TA: when will you stop cockblocking lesbian couples and face your problems

TG: dude they like me

TA: thats not the point and you know it

TG: what are you jealous

TA: if i were a lesser man id hit on karkat this very moment

TA: however we both hit the aroace spectrum in the perfectly incompatible pattern

TG: feferi has a really nice butt

TA: dude

—

tg: your cute it buddy sent me a winky face can i go 4 it

TG: FUCK

—

TG: DUDE

TA: eyebrow waggle

TG: i have a zero chance of scoring this threesome and you have a one zero zero chance of scoring it w roxy

TG: this isnt equal fighting grounds

TG: stop hitting on my older sister you creep

TA: id chat your brother up too but im not sure if im ready for him to reciprocate

TA: then again

TA: …

TG: i dont know if youre bluffing but i am so close to physically crying i swear to god

TA: i like orange

TG: i will shit on your carpet

—

tg: lmaooo ull make him legit cry

TA: what? like its hard

tg: !! legally blonde

tg: my fav mode of foreplai ;))

TA: ok this faux-flirting is getting too close for comfort

tg: betcha ur glad u didnt msg distri now

—

Jane looked up from her book at the sound of approaching footsteps. John’s father was at the doorway, an odd smile on his face.

“Jane?” His voice was odd too, too intently sweet. “May I have a word?”

Her stomach kept dropping. “Just be blunt about it.”

He laughed— an honest laugh, _thank god_. “You kids need to stop seeing right through me.”

“I’m twenty-five.”

“Must you make me feel old.”

They shared a smile— then he walked in, dragged up a chair to sit next to her. “Remember Karkat Vantas?”

“Jade’s friend from English Syntax?” she put her book down. “The one that was roommates with a demon?”

James nodded. “We got their address.”

“Didn’t Jade say that source was blown—”

“She and Jake did make a mistake, yes.” James leaned back. “She came up to me yesterday, told me she’d fixed it.”

Jane’s stomach was doing drops again. “It’s not like her to do things on her own.”

“Apparently—”

“I had an ace up my sleeve.”

Jane jumped up.

Jade was at the doorway, a nervous smile on her face. “It’s funny, because she’s literally asexual,” she added.

Jane shook her head. “Who?”

“That nice girl Jade used to room with— Jade recently found out she’s befriending a Lalonde girl.”

“Calliope?” Forget drops, Jane’s insides were on a rollercoaster infiniride. “Is she okay?!”

“She will be,” Jade assured. “She made a visit to Karkat’s place once— I got the address.”

Jane squinted. “How?”

“I didn’t outright ask.” Jade rolled her eyes. “I’m not a rookie.”

“Just saying, it could be a trap.”

“It’s not.”

“How do you—”

James cleared his throat. Both girls fell silent. Jane started tugging at the sleeve of her sweater, face hot. 

“Jade traced her phone.”

Jane looked up. Jade shrugged.

“Plus, Albert and Jake scouted the area.” He seemed nonplussed by the tension. “They do seem to live there.”

“It could still be a trap.” 

James shrugged, snuck Jane a wink. “We’ll just have to be better prepared.”

—

TG: hey hey

TG: hows my best girl

GG: hi!! a tiny bit stressed out but otherwise good :B

GG: how are you??

TG: sailing through life you know me

GG: I do!! thats why i know youre full of crap atm but thats ok :)

TG: aw shit gg i love you too

TG: anyways theres a secret agenda to this convo

TG: you know a thing or two abt asexuality right

GG: i used to date an ace girl if thats what youre asking!

TG: thats exactly what im asking god bless you

TG: that cat furry thing

GG: thats :( a shitty way of talking about someone tbh.

TG: cat girl. cat girl cat girl

TG: sorry i have a foot cuddling up to my own uvula ninety percent of the time

GG: its ok im used to it!

GG: why are you asking about nepeta?

TG: ok well

TG: uhm

TG: how did that work

GG: ? youre going to have to be a little more specific!

TG: hahah ok yeah

TG: lets say in a completely hypothetical scenario

TG: that i kinda liked someone and that someone kinda maybe i thought liked me back

TG: but then enlisted a third party to tell me they dont do sex

GG: oh!!

GG: oh!!!! Oh!!!!!!!!

TG: are those good ohs or bad ohs

GG: excited ohs!! didnt know you had a crush :B

TG: who said anything about a crush

GG: you did!!

TG: did not

GG: just now!!

TG: lies

GG: pfffffffffft :B

GG: anyways!!

GG: nep was demisexual so she did do sex? we did do sex

TG: ew no tmi

GG: hahahha okay doofus

GG: i mean to say i am virgin what is a weed?? 0:D

TG: dont tell me you smoke now

TG: shit you probably sell

GG: i can give you a discount!

TG: are

TG: are we serious

GG: idk :B

TG: you are not

GG: yeah no discounts sorry :(

TG: youre having so much fun arent you

TG: were talking about my real feelings here gg my real struggles

GG: ok ok sorry!! Jeez

GG: are you sure theyre ace?

TG: um

GG: they could be celibate or something!

TG: wait gonna ask

— 

TG: so by „doesnt do sex“ you mean hes asexual or

TA: aw look someone figured out how to do google we are all so proud

TA: (yes)

TG: tnx daddy

__

 

TG: hes ace

TG: i mean

TG: theyre

GG: hahha i was beginning to wonder!

GG: its ok i kinda figured it out :B

TG: shit

GG: youre such a nerd i cant believe this.

GG: anyways!!

GG: im kind of taken aback by the fact you actually went and asked him?? thats super mature.

GG: dig the communication :D

TG: yeah about that i kind of just texted their roommate

TG: his

TG: fuck pronouns

GG: haha!!

GG: hey i gotta go have a conversation but ill be back soon ok?

GG: go talk to him!! Go talk to him!!

TG: that sounds like a really good idea i wont follow through but thanks

—

TA: please go talk to him

TA: like in person

TA: like now

TG: why do you need alone time with your girls

TG: do you plan on doing something

TG: i asked feferi and she said she doesnt know of anything but shes down

TA: oh fuck you

TG: you sure did

—

TA: please talk to your boyfriend

CG: ?? i have a boyfriend now?

TA: nobody else wants him so

CG: is that how you and aradia got together?

CG: i don't think he wants to talk to me hahah.

TA: it honestly baffles me how either of you made it this far in life

—

John’s entire family was in the living room— the universal sign for “stuff are bad”. Slumping, John dropped his bag, slid into an empty chair.

“Hello!” Jake waved. John waved back, tired. “Was your day—”

“Jake.”

“Sorry, sir.” 

Albert now turned to face John, smiled. John squirmed.

“The idea of inciting an attack on the Strider-Lalonde family was brought up almost a week ago—”

“Exactly a week ago.”

“Thank you, Jane.”

The two shared an awkward smile. Jade met John’s eyes across the room, pulled a grimace.

“So, uh.” Albert stopped to clear his throat. “I know you were promised time to think, but—”

John’s throat went dry. 

Jade was the first to speak up. “He doesn’t need to—”

“Jade.”

“He can always join in later,” Jane joined her. “At least let him graduate first!”

“No one is stopping him from attending high school,” Jake snapped. “You two are being annoyingly overprotective—”

“Jake, shut the fuck up.”

“Why, Jade, you can—”

HIs dad got up, letting his chair hit the ground. The room went silent.

“John.” He smiled. “You know I’ll support you no matter what.”

John found it hard to breathe. “Yeah, dad.”

“We’re taking hostages tomorrow,” Jake said. “Want in?”

John blinked. “What?”

“It sounds much saner when your dad explains it,” Jade added. 

“Oh.”

—

EB: hey!

TG: sup

EB: haa not much.

EB: my family is being a lot. :/

TG: relatable

TG: …

TG: yea youve been typing for the last five minutes whats going on

TG: come on spit it out

TG: do i need to come over and preform a verbal heimlich

TG: i assure you that despite its misleading name it is still very physical and i am ready to put my hand in as many orifices as necessary

EB: okay, wow.

EB: that was kind of gay.

TG: seriously i tell you ill put my handyhoop in your boyholes and the only problem you have with it is „ewww gay cooties“

TG: are you into casual arm-insertions regularly

TG: like if tt offered youd be prostate before her all yes mommy harder

TG: touch me in all the superhet no-no places

EB: alright, youre being weird again, i can respect that.

EB: wanna play a quick one?

TG: shunning my advances and slipping straight into quickie propositions im getting some mixed signals here

EB: its pronounced quiche.

TG: shit marry me

EB: well someone's making the best of that supreme court ruling!

TG: hey no time like the present

TG: also a simple no would have sufficed you man eater you

TG: anyways yeah you know im always down for a quickie but im not home rn

EB: still??

EB: is every thing okay?

TG: yeah dw about it i called rox and apologized

EB: rox?

TG: fuck first rule of internet friendship broken

TG: the safety pamphlet warned me

EB: is that tts real name??

TG: haha no thats the other sister

EB: sheesh good! :B

EB: also, good on you.

EB: for apologizing and all.

EB: not fully up to date with what's going on but it sounded intense.

TG: yeah

TG: i know they want me to talk with The Brother TM but

TG: fuck that

EB: :/

TG: ah no no no frowny faces

TG: im an adult making adult decisions

EB: suuuuure.

EB: just saying....communication is pretty swell. :B

TG: the way youre communicating with the females in your family?

EB: okay this pointy finger business will not take us anywhere.

TG: you know what

TG: im going to steal this lovely lesbians computer

TG: hmu in five i think i can squeeze in a quiche

EB: :D

EB: gross but also :D

—

Jane was at his doorway.

“You can come in, you know.” John turned his chair around, made a face. 

“I can?”

“Well, you’re also welcome to walk away, but I don’t think you’ll do that.” 

Jane smiled. “You’re right about that.”

He typed out a quick ‘see you later’ message to TG, exited the window. “Is this about tomorrow?”

“I just want you to know this isn’t your only option.”

“Jeez, Jane, really?” He turned around again. “Here I was, thinking I know what the word ‘choice’ means, but you sure blew my mind telling me, in the eighteenth year of my life, that it actually involves two different options?”

“Can the sass, junior,” she rolled her eyes. “We’re bringing anyone we find here. It might look… imposing.”

 

“Well, I sure wasn’t going to just ignore my family dealing with dangerous people in our own house!” he agreed. “But I would’ve agreed to partake anyways.”

Jane raised an eyebrow. “Would you?”

A beat.

“John.”

“They killed my mom too, you know.”

“Yes.” Jane sighed, ran a hand through her curls. “Yes. I do. Sorry.”

He bit his lip. 

“I’m sorry.” She walked over, pulled him into a quick hug.

He patted her back. “It’s okay?”

She laughed. “Well, better get to bed then.”

“Are you going to bed?”

She didn’t reply.

“Thought so!”

“You have school, don’t you?”

“You have a demon raid, don’t you?”

She stuck out her tongue, messed with his hair. “Just… watch out.”

“I’m not the one going into the Unknown!”

“They’re literally three streets from Jade’s favourite cafee.” 

“The great unknown!”

“You’re such a nerd.” She pressed a kiss onto his forehead; he wiped it away, scowled. “Go to bed, really now.”

—

TA: is strider still there

AA: why

TA: dont why me missus

AA: 0*0

AA: also yes

TA: was that supposed to be a kissing emoji

TA: also aaaaagh

AA: i tried

AA: also hes being perfectly pleasant

TA: we need to stop saying also

TA: also thats not the point

AA: you can still come over

TA: nah

AA: 0_0

TA: is that sadness

TA: those eyes really dont communicate much

AA: 0_0

TA: im coming over tomorrow

AA: sleepover?

TA: yea ill get popcorn too

AA: 0u0

__

 

EB: i can’t sleeeeeeep.

TT: That’s unfortunate.

TT: Somewhat relatable, too.

EB: can’t you just say same like your asshole brother.

EB: why are you making me wish you were more like your brother?

TT: I wonder as well.

TT: I’d dwell on the topic but i feel like tonight is not the time.

EB: wow i am so grateful!! consider this my grateful face:

EB: —________—

TT: Ah, you look just like I’ve pictured you.

EB: har har.

EB: any ways! 

EB: why are you up?

TT: I find my creativity to be in its prime during the later hours.

TT: How about you?

EB: bluh bluh im a millenial.

EB: that’s how you sound, tt, thats how you sound!!

TT: Tell me your worries.

EB: bluuuh.

EB: i think i maybe made a bad choice.

EB: but i also dont think i had another choice? does that make sense?

EB: also every time someone talks to me about any of it i get defensive. 

EB: im not making any sense am i.

TT: You’re making perfect sense, eb.

TT: Alright, perfect is a stretch but.

TT: You are not being ridiculous.

TT: I know we made a policy of not discussing private family matters but maybe now’s the time to be a little lenient? This does sound like a situation I cannot give advice on without being fully in the know.

EB: haha yeah.

EB: i dont think i can, sorry :/

EB: its stupid any ways.

TT: It’s not stupid if it’s keeping you up.

EB: hahah ok mum.

TT: I’ll tell tg on you.

EB: noooo!

EB: anyone but tg!

TT: :)

TT: Have you ever tried asmr?

EB: yes and it’s really weird!!! stop trying to get me to come to your creepy witchcraft side.

TT: All right.

TT: But we have tingles.

EB: ————______________________________————

TT: I think one of those eyes is bigger.

EB: leave him alone!! he can’t help it!

TT: He? Wasn’t this You?

TT: I’m losing track of the semantics of this conversation.

EB: stop trying to sound fancy at 3 am.

TT: It’s out of my power.

EB: heh heh.

EB: ok i think ill give bed time another try.

EB: ttyl!

TT: Later.

TT: Sleep tight. <3

EB: <3 you too nerdface.

—

“Rise and shine, puddin’ knickers.” 

Karkat paused at the doorway of the kitchen, looked back towards the couch. _Of course._

“What the hell.” He was so relieved, though, he was so relieved and it was pissing him off. “When’d you show up?”

Dave was sprawled across the couch, yawning. “Like three hours ago, not sure.”

Karkat raised an eyebrow. “It’s ten in the morning.”

“I couldn’t sleep.” 

“So you came here?”

Dave shrugged; there was a blush creeping down his nose. “Is it a problem?”

“Sollux gave you the key,” Karkat said, moved towards the kitchen. “Want some breakfast?”

“Shit, yes, please.” Dave was already at the doorway, beaming. “You’re the best housewife.”

Karkat pushed back his metaphorical bristles. “Any chance life did not completely fail you and you know how to operate a coffee machine?”

“Aw, someone’s a morning person,” Dave walked towards the machine. “How many cups do you take, like, eleventy?”

“I’ll eleventy your ass through my fucking window, shut up.” His voice barely had any real venom in it. Karkat wanted to kick himself. “Just make a pot, jesus, it’s not that complicated.”

“Mmm, keep talking dirty to me.”

“Please tell me Sollux is coming to pick you up soon.”

Karkat made pancakes— Dave made a joke about his choice of almond milk and Karkat tried to fake-squirt some in his direction, ended up pouring half the bottle on the kitchen floor. The coffee Dave made was good; he helped clean up later (“you’re cleaning the floor, though, I had nothing to do with that”). 

“So.” Karkat cleared his throat once there were no more dishes to distract himself with. 

Dave nodded. “So.”

“You know I have, like, places to be today, right?”

Dave was blushing again. “Yeah, I just—”

“Roxy will be looking after me today.” The words still felt so embarrassing to say. “You could join us?”

“Yeah, about that.” Dave ran a hand through his hair. “Can I just crash on your couch?”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, uh, if it’s not an issue—”

“I’d tell you to go out and face your damn family but I really don’t have much of a space to talk.” Karkat paused, sighed. “Sure, knock yourself out. You know where Netflix is.”

The grateful smile Dave flashed him had no place being that endearing.

“Don’t snoop around,” he added as an afterthought.

“Sure, sure, gotcha.” Dave was bouncing at his heels. “Thanks, you’re the best.”

“Why the fuck are you thanking me, Sollux gave you the key,” he mumbled.

“Yeah, about that.” Dave laughed. “I sort of just stole nirs, but en-bee-dee.” 

Karkat raised an eyebrow.

“Like, ne got another one done, it’s not like I’m locking nem out of nir apartment.”

“You stole Sollux’s key?”

“It was like three months ago, chill.”

Karkat pondered on it for another moment, shrugged. “Yeah, you know what, you’re right.”

Another smile. Karkat was certain this asshole would end up killing him.

“I’m going to take a shower,” he announced. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

“Already did your roommate.”

“What did I just say.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finals are Now and my ass is fucked leave me a pity review


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyhey tw for this ch: descriptions of wrist trauma (starts after "tt: I call bullshit.") stay safe!

CG: hey, asshole, are you still alive??

TG: see the problem with this kinda tough love is that one day im going to be dead and youll feel like an ass

TG: like what would you do if i wasnt be honest

TG: maybe im comatose and haunting your apartment because it used to be mine but rose had to rent it out to keep the hospital from pulling the plug

TG: quick karkat make me a roof garden 

CG: your train of thought is all over the place, as per usual, but.

CG: are you referencing just like heaven?

TG: hahaha you got it

CG: are you going through my stuff??

TG: only a little

CG: strider.

TG: it was out there in plain sight i couldnt help myself

TG: btw you have the shittiest taste in movies holy crap

CG: what did i tell you this morning??

CG: what was my ONE humble request after i granted you the infinite mercy of letting you hide out in my apartment because you’re too much of a wimp to go talk to your weird-ass mother figures?

TG: woah woah now

TG: i have ONE mother figure

CG: oh jesus christ!!!

CG: for a second there it looked like this conversation might be about something else than your fucked up oedipal complex but !!! yet again you prove me wrong !!

TG: are you seriously this pissed about me watching your movie

CG: shut the fuck up.

CG: we are covering freud at contemporary lit theories and i need to vent.

CG: is this going to be a problem??

TG: ah shit no

TG: go for it

CG: fucking thank you !!

TG: did you reach the sexual pleasure of defecation yet

CG: we’re still at the oral phase, what the fuck.

TG: hahaha oh boy

TG: you’re gonna LOVE the phallic phase

—

CC: Hi!! Just dropping in to say a HUGE thank you, all your cacti tips worked, look at how much happier the little guy looks!

CC: (picture)

GG: awww im glad!! He looks very happy indeed. :B

CC: I owe you one! 8D

GG: now shoosh there, it was a pleasure. :B

CC: No, no, no, I insist.

CC: How about I buy you a coffee? 

CC: Some day next week?

—

CC: I scored a date!!!! I scored a date with the cute girl!!

AA: you scored a date!

CC: With the cute girl!!

AA: 0u0 0u0 0u0

AA: when can i meet her?

CC: As soon as I let her in on the poly business.

CC: Raddie what if she’s freaked out?? 8(

AA: then your demon girlfriend will freak her out even more 0u0

CC: <3

AA: <3

—

EB: hey hey hey how is it going??

GG: weeelll it’s been five minutes since we left the house so….absolutely nothing happened yet!! 

GG: gee what a shocker!! :B

EB: you left me with a babysitter, jade. you don’t get to be rude. 

gg: You were left with a close family friend who actually knows how to use a gun.

gg: Behave.

GG: tell him jane! :B

gt: Yes, haha! obliterated! 

EB: wow jake almost caught the hold of the lingo.

EB: but anyways!! Be careful?

gg: Always. <3

GG: same at you buttbutt!

gt: Yessir!

EB: hahah this family is lame. 

—

“Karkat has class until eight.” 

Jake looked up at the clearly lit window, back towards Jade. “Are you sure?”

“He might be skipping,” she shrugged. “But I don’t think he is?”

“They have that demon babysitting business going about, don’t the?” Jake sighed. “Maybe it’s the roommate?”

“Do we know what their vehicles of choice look like?” Jane asked, peeking out from their van.

Jade shook her head. “Karkat has a bike but it’d be indoors; Sollux uses public transport. As far as I know.”

Jake side-eyed her. “How—”

“I took syntax with Karkat,” she said. “What else were we supposed to talk about?”

“Back to the point,” Jane said. “Someone is in there.”

 

“Shouldn’t we wait for Karkat?” Jake asked.

“No,” Jane and Jade spoke at the same time— Jade threw the former a grateful smile.

“They are right,” James piped up. “Let’s try to avoid getting civilians involved.”

“He’s not a civilian if he enables them!”

“Jake,” Jane warned. 

He slumped against the car, sighed. 

“Jake and I will go up; Jade can cover the fire escape.” James tugged at the sleeve of his jacket. “Jane, stay here and stay armed.”

Jane nodded.

“Albert is keeping watch but if he misses—”

“I know what to do, James.”

He smiled at her. The one she replied with seemed forced.

“ _Oh_ kay,” Jake said. “Let’s do this?”

—

CG: what the fuck is a negative phallus. 

TG: see told you youd love it

TG: hey btw not to raise alarm but a black van stopped in front of your building and it hasnt moved in like half an hour

CG: oh??

CG: damn fuck it.

CG: we live in an apartment building, just lock the doors and hope marty three floors down owes someone kush money.

TG: hahha back up what

CG: marty is completely fictional, just to be clear.

CG: lock the doors!!

TG: kush 

TG: i locked the doors paddy daddy calm your knickknacks

TG: who the fuck says kush

CG: who the fuck says LITERALLY EVERY WORD youve said in this conversation

TG: yeah i overdid it a bit with the knickknacks

CG: SIGH. 

TG: did you just type ou yeah im not finishing this cliche-ass sentence bottom line is marry me

TG: is this dodgy dodgy-van business a common thing in your neighbourhood is this something we should be worried about

TG: thank god for our demon bullshit at least you finally have a bodyguard

CG: har har.

CG: and not really?? im just trying not to panic.

CG: it’s probably nothing anyways.

CG: dave?

CG: ha ha ha, okay, you got me, cut it out now. 

CG: dave, this really isn’t funny.

CG: dave??

—

“Sollux?”

Ne sat up, eyes bleary and brain sleep-slow. Roxy’s voice sounded urgent.

“‘M here,” ne yawned. “What’s up?”

“Where are you?”

“At AA’s.” Ne was almost fully awake now— she sounded really fucking scared. “Why?”

Aradia looked up from her seat; Feferi was asleep in her lap. Sollux held up a finger.

“Your apartment was broken into— fuck.” There were some voices in the background. “ _They_ broke into your apartment—”

“Shit.” Sollux was at nir feet, pulling shoes on. “Shit, shit, shit. Is Karkat—”

“He’s with me, he was with me, he’s okay.” Roxy’s voice was shaking. “But Dave—”

“ _Shit_.” Sollux sat back down again. “The asshole was crashing at ours again, wasn’t he?”

“He’s not answering his phone.”

Feferi was awake now; both girl were looking at nem, concerned.

“Shit.”

“They got him, Sollux.”

 

She was about to cry; her voice had that raspy quality of someone who really needed to cry.

“We’re coming over—”

“I’m at Kanaya’s.” Roxy interrupted. “I didn’t tell Dirk yet, I—”

“We’re coming to Kanaya’s, then.” He looked at the duo; they nodded along, Feferi already in motion. “I’ve been fixing your brothers’ computers for years now, this will be a piece of cake.”

“What’s going on?” Aradia mouthed. 

Sollux made a vague hand motion. “Like it can’t be as bad as that time Dave got jizz on his keyboard.”

Roxy snorted. Ne exhaled, relieved.

“How did they know?” Her voice was quiet. “How did they—”

“That’s a question for a later date,” ne cut her off. “Get some water, sit down. We’ll be right there.”

“I need to call Dirk.”

“Roxy—”

“Thank you.” She hung up. 

Sollux set the phone down. Aradia was already at nir side, gently touching nir shoulder.

“Egbert and Co. got Dave,” ne managed. Aradia’s eyes went wide. “Ambert alert. Call Damara.”

—

tt: Where the hell is my brother.

gg: I’ve been wondering when you’d show up!

gg: long time no hear.

tt: Do I look like I’m fucking kidding.

tt: You taught me how to use a gun don’t make this into an Anakin situation.

gg: Not an expert on the franchise but doesn’t Anakin lose his limbs?

tt: I was referencing the part where he kills Kenobi but you know what? I’ll do it limbless.

gg: Looking forward to that! 

tt: How the hell do you sleep at night.

gg: I generally don’t.

gg: How do you?

—

tg: jane

tg: please

gg: Shut up, shut up, shut up. 

—

**timaeusTestified started this groupchat**

tt: What is it that we do that bothers you just a quick round.

gg: You literally feed off people?? That’s a problem??

tt: Yeah try again that’s not even my subspecies.

gt: Your brother does, though.

tt: He’s eighteen, for fuck’s sake.

gg: You’re just making this harder on everyone.

tt: We didn’t do shit.

tt: You kidnapped my fucking brother.

gt: I wish it were different.

tt: I call bullshit. 

—

Dave’s hands were curled into fists, gripping the edges of the chair; slumped forward, he seemed to be shaking. Despite being fully aware what Dave Strider was and what he was capable of doing, John felt fucking terrible.

“How’re you holding up there, pal?” Jake called out, voice slow and calm and kind of really terrifying. John struggled to keep his own poker face in check. The demon did not reply. “Come on, I know you can hear me.”

Dave muttered something. He still wasn’t sitting up. His wrists were starting to bruise ashen.

“Sorry, didn’t quite catch that?”

“Said,” he looked up, finally; his lip was bleeding. “I’m peachy.”

His voice was shaking. There was an odd sheen to his face— tears? John couldn’t tell. John couldn’t _know_. He had to look away— stopped just before he looked down, focused on the wall instead.

“Those sting?”

Dave didn’t reply. His lips were pressed tightly together, jaw clenched.

“Rosemary, thyme and an iron coating,” Jake went on. “Still in a testing phase.”

They weren’t in a testing phase; they were confirmed as functional five years ago. They all knew that. Dave wasn’t replying.

“Those shades are still so bloody annoying,” Jake walked over, reached out; Dave flinched from his hand, whole body shaking.

“Jake—“ John tried.

He snatched the eyewear off demon’s face in a single motion; Dave’s eyes were bloodshot, glazed over. Even Jake’s facade faltered.

“Please put them back on,” John breathed. 

Jake hooked the shades onto Dave’s collar, stepped back.

Dave wasn’t talking. He stared at Jake for another beat, then slumped down again. The fringe almost covered his eyes— couldn’t cover the waxiness of his skin, though, the way he kept biting into his lip.

“He’s in a lot of pain,” John whispered. Jake met his eyes, angered— he pushed on. “It’s unnecessary, can’t we, I don’t know—“

“Holy shit, he’s so soft— ow—“ Dave laughed, voice high pitched. “Yeah these hurt like a bitch but nothing worse than whatever the hell you’d laced that bullet with—“

Jake met his eyes.

Dave swallowed. “Fucking same mixture as the bullet, okay, but this one is not tearing into my tender virgin flesh so that’s a really big brownie point—“

“Maybe I should put one in your mouth right now, see how long it takes you to heal,” Jake snapped. Dave’s mouth closed. “Nearly got Dirk, back in two-oh-ten.”

“Well then I probably wouldn’t heal.” Dave’s breathing was coming out harsher, faster. John made the mistake of glancing at his wrists. The skin was cracking, oozing black. “Not that much of a mystery, bro. Don’t know what sorta service would I be dead, though, it looks like you kinda need me for something, let’s ditch the empty threats for a sec and just be real with each other—“

“God darn it.” Jake was looming over him. He grabbed the bound wrist, squeezed. Dave’s voice cut off with a mute scream— John whole-body flinched. “Shut the fuck up, now.”

Dave opened his mouth to talk— sobbed. Jake pulled away.

“Got it.” His voice was so weak. John’s stomach was turning on itself. “Will be as quiet as a mousetrap.”

“Jake,” John pleaded.

Jake wasn’t looking at him. “I’ll see what can be done.” He made a move for the door. “Will send Jade over— don’t do anything stupid.”

“Won’t,” John promised. Dave was keeling over.

This was terrible.

—

EB: group chat time again!

EB: i did the family thing and i think it was a mistake.

EB: just that i don’t ?? ugh

EB: i don’t know, i don’t know!

EB: someone please reply im freaking out.

EB: can’t really say what it is so this might not make much sense but...

EB: i don’t think it’s wrong!! but it’s not right either!!

TT: Welcome to the sphere of moral greyness, eb.

TT: I’ve made quite a home here.

TT: It is not the easiest spot to sleep in but you will always have a friend in me.

TT: Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a bit of a family emergency I need to be working on.

EB: :(

EB: hope everything works out, damn.

EB: is tg in on the emergency?

TT: He sort of is the emergency.

EB: oh.

TT: He might not be responding any time soon.

EB: oh??

EB: is everything okay?

TT: …

TT: No.

TT: It really is not.

TT: But I will make it okay.

—

Jade entered the room, face blank. She caught John’s eyes, raised an eyebrow.

“He’s not moving,” he said, maybe a tiny bit too defensive. She scowled. Her eyes looked sad— hard core girl kind of sad, but still sad.

“You with us?” She called out to Dave. He flashed her a thumbs up; the ropes were becoming soaked with his. Ugh. Blood.

“The restraints are seriously harming him,” John relayed.

Jade looked away, nodded. “He’d be harming us if they weren’t,” she responded. “You can leave if you want to.”

He really wanted to. “I’m good.”

“Same,” Dave called out. “Not that anyone asked, but—”

“So happy for you, sugar.” Jade’s reply was brusque, accompanied with an eye-roll. “Wordy?”

Dave looked up, grinned. His eyes were so bloodshot; John felt uncomfortable looking at him. “Can’t stop dissipating knowledge, man.”

Jade scowled.

“Girl,” he blinked. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she said, slowly. “It’s an expression.”

His eyes widened, jaw slacked. John was so busy lamenting the fact that a creature of darkness appeared less transphobic than your regular college professor that he nearly missed Jade storming across the room, towards the table where Dave’s stuff was laid out.

“Jade—“

“Holy shit,” Dave breathed. He was sitting up completely straight. “Shit.”

“No,” Jade said. John got a sinking feeling.

“Shit.”

“No, _no_ —”

She was holding up his phone, staring at the screen. John was about to ask what, when—

“ _No_.”

“Oh my god.” It flew out of his mouth before it fully crystallized in his mind. His hand already got his own phone out— no replies from TG, of course there wouldn’t be, he’d told him he was going over to a friend’s house— John had teased him—

“Turntechgodhead?”

Jade dropped the phone back onto the table, power walked away.

“I’m getting Jane,” she said, grabbed John by the shoulder. “Don’t do anything. Anything. Okay? Don’t even touch him.”

“Jade,” he said.

“Don’t touch him,” she pleaded. There were tears sliding down her nose. “I’m so sorry, but don’t—“

“ _Jade_ —”

She was out of the room. He stood, frozen in place.

Dave— _oh my god, TG, oh my god_ — was staring at him. John met his eyes; he looked away.

He made way to the phone, unlocked the screen. “Fuck,” he whispered. It was TG’s profile, opened. He couldn’t tear his eyes away. “Fuck.”

“John?” Dave’s voice was weak. John couldn’t turn around, couldn’t face him. “EB?”

He closed his eyes, tried to breathe regularly. “Don’t.”

“Ecto—“

“Shut _up_!”

He turned around— Dave was meeting his eyes, perfectly still.

“Okay, dude,” he whispered. John felt like crying, like trashing the room, like he was about to explode. “I know I’m not the person you really want advice from r-n and that all the questions you had are kind of retracted, _but_ —“

John closed his eyes, willed the scene to go away.

“Think you should really ditch the family profession.”

—

GG: rose?

TT: Greetings.

TT: I’d love to chat but there’s a bit of an emerge

TT: Oh.

GG: rose.

GG: :/

TT: I don’t

TT: I don’t understand.

GG: lalonde.

GG: you’re rose lalonde.

GG:

GG: not replying only answers my question. :(

TT: I don’t know what you want me to say.

TT: I’d ask how you found out.

TT: But your reaction to it,

GG: yeah.

TT: gg.

GG: just say it.

TT: I

TT: I don’t want to.

GG: its harley.

GG: i’m harley!!

GG: hi!!

TT:

GG: still think its a lovely name?

TT: gg

TT: Jade.

TT: I

TT: This is a lot to take in.

TT: And my heart is breaking.

TT: But if you do anything to my brother

TT: If you keep doing whatever the hell you’re doing to my brother right now.

TT: I will break yours too, I swear to god.

GG: ://

GG: i really really wish this didn’t have to happen.

TT: I will kill you.

GG: you won’t.

GG: im really really sorry. 

(GG is offline)

TT: If you were sorry you would stop.

TT: He didn’t do anything to you.

TT: Fuck.

— 

TT: John, please.

EB: no, no, no.

TT: John, he didn’t kill your mother.

TT: He was barely older than you when it happened.

EB: i really don’t want to have this conversation!!!!!!!!

TT: We lost our parents too.

EB: tt, just go away.

TT: You could at least use my name.

EB: i don’t want to!!

EB: please stop!!

TT: I was mistaken.

TT: There is nothing morally grey about what you’re doing.

EB: shut up, shut up, shut up!!

TT: He is eighteen.

EB: shut UP !!!

TT: He can’t drive yet.

TT: John.

EB: nononono!!

TT: Your family has blood on their hands too.

EB: rose, please please please

TT: Mine is wiped out.

TT: And Dave never hurt a soul.

(EB is offline)

TT: Okay.

TT: Okay.

TT: See you soon.

—

Kanaya was making tea. Karkat trailed after her, unable to spend another moment still surrounded with two girls whose brother was maybe dying—

_Holy shit he might be dying._

“If you even _dream_ about taking any blame for this,” Kanaya spoke up, voice soft, “I will have to punch you in the face.”

A beat. “Is that a promise?”

She rolled her eyes, snorted. 

Karkat tried to join her. “Shit, Kanaya.”

“I know.” Her eyes were locked on the kettle. 

“They were after me.”

“They were after you _or_ Sollux with every intent of using you as bait,” she said. “This would’ve happened either way.”

“Yes, but—” He couldn’t come up with an argument that didn’t sound pathetically self-pitying. “Nevermind.”

“I’m glad it wasn’t you.” 

He looked up; her eyes were cast downwards.

“I feel terrible even saying it, yes.” She ran a hand through her hair, sighed. “But I am still so very relieved you are safe.”

Karkat’s chest felt tight. “Fuck, Kan.”

“Fuck is right.”

He sniffed, decided, _Fuck that_. Walked over to her side, pulled her into a quick one-arm hug.

“I love you too,” she whispered into his hair.

He grumbled in reply.

There were more people in the living room when they emerged with tea some fifteen minutes later; Karkat’s eyes fell on the tall, fair-haired guy leaning against the wall, froze.

“Dirk,” Kanaya greeted. “Hey.”

He nodded in reply. 

Roxy’s eyes were red. Rose’s looked a weird merge of anger and pure emptiness.

Sollux arrived six minutes later— said Aradia and Feferi were out getting more people, rushed over to Roxy’s side. Kanaya took to trying to comfort Rose. Karkat kept feeling Dirk’s eyes on him, tried to block it out.

Porrim Maryam showed up next. She hugged Karkat, whispered a quick reassurance. Her hair was damp, smelled like shampoo; her face was worried.

“A lot of people have personal, huh, beef, you could say, with their family.” She went straight into business, bless her. “They’re willing to help.”

Roxy nodded; Dirk wasn’t moving.

“We have to agree on some things, though,” she added. “The goal is to get Dave and get out.”

“Of course,” Rose said. 

Porrim’s eyes went to Dirk. “Right?” she prompted.

“Getting Dave out is the priority,” he said. 

Porrim didn’t look reassured. 

Roxy looked up. “How fast can you make it happen?”

“Half an hour, an hour.” Porrim said.

“Make it twenty minutes.”

—

CC: No help from Damara, sorry!

TA: wow fuck her

TA: what is she butthurt over now

CC: 8//

CC: She’s dead, Sollux.

TA:

TA: fuck

—

AA: i’m okay.

TA: wouldnt have dreamt of implying otherwise

AA: when are we saving dave?

TA: now

TA: get your gay ass here

AA: on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my kink is shittalking freud and chatlog inconsistencies
> 
> 2 exams down, 5 more to go!!


	8. Chapter 8

“John?”

John looked up; Jake was leaning against the doorway, an attempt at a carefree smile on his face.

He returned the smile. “Hey.”

“May I come in?”

“Sure.” 

Jake took an awkward step forward, clapped against his thighs. “So.”

John pushed a chair away and towards Jake; the latter took the hint.

“I don’t want to talk about Dave.”

“I share the sentiment.”

“Well.” John paused, breathed. “Good!”

This was too much. This was unfair. Thinking about what was going on made his chest feel tight and his stomach queasy and everyone insisting he talk about it was not helping!! His fingers kept itching for him to message someone but his best friends were apparently not human and Jade’s eyes were red and puffy the last time he saw her and TG was bleeding in his basement—

He closed his eyes, willed his mind into silence. Everything was so shitty.

“I do not presume to imply I might begin to understand what you’re going through.”

John groaned, “Jake!”

“John.”

“Can we really not talk about it? Please?” 

“Not talking about it will not help you.”

“Well.” He couldn’t really spit out an argumentative essay right now. “Well, I won’t talk about it!”

“Can you listen?”

“I don’t know, can I?”

Jake gave him a tired look.

John deflated. “Can we really— not.”

“We are all worried, John.”

He crossed his arms against his chest. “I won’t do anything stupid.”

“I know you won’t.”

“But Jane doesn’t?”

“Jane is worried,” Jake said. “We are all worried. He was your best friend, right?”

John involuntarily flinched at the past tense. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Jade said they were your best friends.”

“Well—” he couldn’t breathe. “It’s stupid, and it’s over now.”

Jake was biting his cheek. “John—”

“ _Jake._ ”

“Can I tell you about how Jane and I met the Strider-Lalondes?”

John looked up at that. “Um, mid-hunt?”

Jake grimaced.

John sat up. “Wait, wait, what?”

“It wasn’t quite like that.”

“Are you going to try and convince me you played League of Legends together now because I’m still not tired enough to buy that.”

Jake laughed. “Not quite that, but...”

“But?”

“We nearly finished a game of monopoly once.”

John was staring.

Jake smiled. “So that’s a _yes_ for the story?”

—

Sollux bumped Aradia’s hand with his, nodded at her.

“I’m okay,” she insisted.

He laced their fingers together, staring away. The street was dark, mostly empty. “I know.”

“I don’t know how to tell Feferi, though.”

Sollux looked at her at that. “Okay, I’m missing something here.”

“You know that anonymous threat down west?” She wasn’t meeting his eyes. 

“Yeah?”

“We thought it might be Feferi’s aunt.”

Sollux scowled. “And…”

“And Damara decided to corner her.” Her voice sounded detached. “Figured whatever happens we’d get some answers.”

Sollux wasn’t sure how to react.

“She was right, I suppose.” Aradia exhaled. Her eyes did not seem focused. “Would have been nice if she’d had told me.”

“AA—”

“I will be fine,” she insisted.

“AA, I don’t think you should be here right now.”

She looked at him like that.

“Aradia—”

“I need to take a quick break,” she said. 

Sollux squeezed her hand, nodded.

—

**nonconspicuous group chat**

TA: AA taking a five

tt: Can’t she do that later?

TA: no

TA: i got it under cover so fuck off

Tt: That’s reassuring.

tg: shshshhhhhhhhhhhsh

tg: sollux, u sure ur covered?

TA: yeah dw

TA: hows human provisions

—

CC: Is she okay??

TA: not sure tbh

CC: 8/

TA: you’re good for her

CC: So are you!

CC: You got an eye on her?

TA: i got eyes on everything

—

CG: right, so.

CG: i know you’re currently unable to reply on the account of being kidnapped or some other flimsy excuse like that.

CG: but i am about to do something i will really regret to save your ass.

CG: so you better stay alive.

CG: god this is stupid.

CG: they’re probably reading your messages.

CG: hi jade!!

TG: It’s Jane, actually!

CG: fuck.

—

**nonconspicuous group chat**

CG: (screenshot)

TA: hahahahhahahahha fuck

tt: I will kill her, no offense.

GA: You won’t, no offense. 

GA: That Was Porrim.

tg: okokok every1 needs to chill

tg: karkat ily also

CG: Did I fuck up?

tt: Not yet.

tt: Amazingly so.

tg: yooo distri 

tg: /eye emoji

tt: Ok.

—

The phone rang three times— Karkat did not expect the voice picking up.

“Uh, Karkat—”

“Tavros?!”

A pause. Karkat mentally swore.

“Shit, Tavros, hi.” Not now, not the time. “Can I speak to Gamzee?”

“Um, about that, uh.” Tavros’ stutter had gotten better. “He doesn’t, uh, want to?”

Of course he wouldn’t. Karkat swore again. “It’s an emergency.”

“He, uh, doesn’t seem, very happy about the idea.” There was some shuffling on Tavros’ end. “I hear, the last time, didn’t go well with you two?”

Karkat closed his eyes, inhaled. “I promise not to yell this time, okay, I just really need—”

Tavros wasn’t budging. “Look, Karkat, I can’t—”

“He owes me one!” So much about not shouting. “Tell him he still owes me one and I’m fucking claiming the favor now, okay?”

Another pause. Karkat started wondering if Tavros would hang up on him.

“Fine,” finally. “I’m, um, I’m getting him.”

“Good.” A beat. “Thank you.”

Tavros didn’t reply.

—

AA: what are you doing?

TA: keeping watch on the entrance, why?

AA: who made the plan to get gamzee involved?

TA: .what

—

TA: ok i get were desperate but why the fuck

GA: ?

GA: I Am Afraid I Am Not Following.

TA: the jig is up tavros snitched

GA: ?? I Am So Lost.

GA: I Did Not Know You Knew Tavros, Also. 

TA: he and aa are buddies and he just told on you hardcore

GA: I Am Still

GA: Oh Fuck Damn It.

—

GA: Did You Phone Gamzee.

CG: no??

GA: Do Not Lie To me, Karkat.

CG: okay, look.

GA: It Was A Very Smart move.

CG: i’m

CG: wait, seriously?

GA: Yes.

GA: He Will Be A Useful Diversion.

GA: Also, He Might Die. 

GA: That’s Always A Bonus. 

—

**nonsconpicuous groupchat**

TA: drug addicts on our side

tt: What.

TA: karkats first gay experience is getting his cronies to raid their place

tg: hahahha what what what

—

CC: Am I the only one who feels bad about this, like,,,

CC: Those people need help? And not to be used like this? 8//

AA: we’re slipping past morally grey into pure #000000 yes

CC: 8//

CC: Are you okay, though?

AA: yes

AA: im back in action

AA: eyes on the prize 

CC: <3

AA: <3

—

tt: So that’s dave’s mysterious boy.

tg: behave

tt: He looks like his type.

tg: does dave have a type?

tt: Shut up.

tg: wanna talk abt how ur super rude to him for no reason ?

tt: No.

tg: woah that was an unexpected answer!

tt: I know he did nothing wrong.

tt: Jesus christ, Roxy, how could they.

tg: i know

tt: It should’ve been me.

tg: oh jfc

—

tg: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

TT: I know.

—

CG: am i a bad person?

CC: No!!

TA: yes

CC: Sollux!

AA: you’re giving me a headache.

tt: Seconded.

CC: Sorry 8/

tt: Don’t apologize, just be useful.

TA: she wasnt talking to you asshole

AA: wow.

CC: 8/

—

TT: Is your sister still there?

GA: She Just Left.

GA: I Could Call Her Back?

TT: No need.

TT: I wanted to talk to you.

GA: Oh.

GA: :’)

GA: I Am Here.

TT: That’s a new emoji!

GA: I Saw All The Cool Kids Use It.

TT: I’m cutting your dave times short.

TT: Hah.

TT: Maybe I won’t need to.

GA: Rose.

TT: Lie to me?

GA: I Don’t Need To.

GA: He’ll Be Okay.

TT: Thank you.

GA: Also, Still Not Lying:

GA: I Love You.

TT: I love you too.

TT: As honest as I ever get.

GA: Good.

GA: It Would Get Really Awkward Otherwise. 

—

tt: Sorry.

CG: ?

CG: do i know you?

tt: It’s Dirk.

CG: oh.

CG: hey.

CG: sorry for snapping, thought you were jade or someone from her family.

tt: There a reason you think Jade would be contacting you?

CG: we have class together.

CG: well, used to.

CG: she stopped coming after i found out

CG: oh.

tt: So you’re how they found out.

CG: 

tt: Nice job.

CG: you know what, fuck you.

CG: i didn’t do shit, 

(tt blocked CG)

CG: oh, fuck off!!

—

tg: sorry bout that

tg: this is roxy btw !!

tg: hes just scared and taking it out on u

tg: hell feel super bad abt it tomorrow

CG: no, it’s okay.

CG: he’s right, they did find out through me.

tg: still not ur fault!! Still not his place to give u shit

tg: you didnt know u live w a demon didnt know u should be careful who u give ur address out to

CG: wait.

CG: i didn’t give her my address?

CG: did she follow me home?

tg: not impossible!

tg: either way, not ur fault, right?

CG: guess you’re right.

tg: m always right

tg: B)

CG: Hah.

CG: Not going to argue that.

—

TT: Word of advice.

TT: Next time you try apologizing to someone, don’t do it still angry.

tt: Wow, thank you, child of wisdom.

tt: Who could have known that’s where all the intellect of this family went.

TT: Mmm, someone sounds broody.

TT: Fifteen more minutes and you can take it out on someone who deserves it.

tt: Cool.

tt: Thanks.

—

TA: 10 min and counting down

CC: Stay safe guys!!

CG: sure we can’t help? you said you’re worried about laced stuff, those wouldn’t bother us right?

tt: Laced bullets kill you and us both just fine, kid.

tg: dirk ur literally 2 years older than him stfu

tg: but yea hes right!! were all in deep shit here

tg: were just faster

TA: bigger

tg: better

tg: stronger

TA: hour after hour

CC: Stop being cute!! You’re not helping !

tg: our work is never over

TA: our work is never over

TA: fuck

tg: d’aww we match !

tt: Five minutes.

—

tg: status report ?

tt: This plan relies on the competence of four people I barely know. 

tt: So, hunky fucking dory. 

tg: the plane you took two years ago didnt crash despite you not flying it

tg: u gotta learn to chill

—

tg: dont let dirk go rogue

TT: I can try.

TT: Don’t go rogue.

tg: smarty pants

—

Jade saw the shards of glass fly across the living room floor before she even heard the window smash. A muddy brick landed right before her feet. She nudged it with her boot, still in shock.

Then her brain caught up with her body and everything snapped into action.

“They’re here!” she yelled out— she saw James rush down the corridor, heard John moving upstairs.

She fished out her phone— sent out a question mark. The shotgun in her hand felt like a lifeline.

She glanced through the window; there was a group of ten outside her window. She couldn’t recognize a single person.

GG: whos that??

Gg: I think they’re human.

GG: ????

Gt: They’re a distraction. fire them a few quick bullets, it’ll chase them away.

GG: are we sure??

gg: Yes, are we?

gg: There’s only one person left watching over Dave, I’m going down.

gg: Jake, come with me. 

gt: In a moment.

gt: I’ve got company. 

—

“You think I can’t see you?”

Dirk’s face remained impassive. “I don’t care if you see me.”

Jake sighed, set one hand on his pistol. “You know this isn’t smart.”

“You didn’t give us much of a choice there.” Dirk had a hand on his sword— of course he’d still be using cold weaponry, the stubborn old fashioned asshole— blocking the doorway. “Plus, kind of thought this was what you wanted. Wasn’t the whole point of raiding a civilian's apartment taking bait?”

“Captor is hardly a civilian.”

Dirk’s face wasn’t moving. “Ne can’t even work a weapon.”

“Heard ne doesn’t need to.”

“Now that’s just bad interspecies dialogue.”

Jake chuckled. 

“Glad you find it funny,” Dirk gripped the hilt tighter— Jake already had his aim set when he let his arm drop again.

Someone pulled him back before he could even react. His head hit a hard surface; his mind went blank.

—

gt: Jake’s down.

gg: Who is this?

gt: Come find out.

—

“Just a question,” Aradia said, setting Jake down gently. “How does this fall under saving Dave?”

“I was distracting him,” Dirk deadpanned. Jake’s head was bleeding slightly.

“Didn’t look like distraction.”

“Well.” Dirk dropped the phone back onto the unconscious body. “He’s distracted, isn’t he?”

Aradia’s eyes looked tired. “Sure.”

“Guess you’re done here.”

She looked like she was about to say something, then just sighed. “Guess I am.”

—

Roxy slid down the corridor, not making a sound; she’d passed James Egbert a few doors down, could hear Albert Harley’s breathing on the floor above her. The smell of blood— _their_ blood— was getting so strong it almost masked out the thyme burning her nostrils; she’d probably be unable to smell much soon, but right now—

She heard someone coming down the stairs, two floors down. The footsteps sounded rushed.

_Better hurry up, then._

She closed her eyes, focused. There was a man down the corridor, then heavy iron doors, and then—

She focused on the sound of Dave’s ragged breathing, bit her lip; moved.

—

TA: you do know the point of a distraction is not to give us all away immediately

CG: what happened??

AA: Dirk decided to be dramatic.

AA: All’s good.

AA: Gamzee’s safe.

CG: fuck gamzee, is dirk okay?

TA: wow thats a plot twist

CG: fuck off, gamzee always gets out of it and you know it.

AA: did you message tavros?

CG: of course i did.

CG: status report, seriously.

AA: we’re good.

AA: gotta go.

Karkat looked up from the phone screen. Feferi met his eyes, her own bloodshot.

“She sounded like she had things under control,” he tried. 

Feferi opened her mouth, closed it.

He crossed the room in one go, sat down next to her. She grabbed his hand; he hated how much he appreciated the gesture.

“They’ll be fine,” he said.

“I know,” she said.

“I’m scared.”

“I know.”

—

“Don’t move.” 

Jane froze; lowered her gun. The place where Roxy had been not a second ago was still infuriatingly empty.

“Dirk?”

“Long time no see,” he mocked. She turned around, threats be damned.

He was holding Jake’s gun.

“That’s not yours,” she said. 

He shrugged. “I’ll give it back.”

“Where is he?”

“Upstairs.” _And alive_ , he conveniently forgot to add. “Put your weapon down.”

“You’re way out of your depth here.”

“Holy shit, guys.” Sollux appeared at his side, frowning. “I’ve seen fanfiction dialogue less dramatic than this conversation.”

Dirk ignored nem. “I got this.”

“That’s super convincing, thanks.” Ne took Jane’s gun without another word, emptied it of bullets. “Who else is in here?”

Jane spat at him. Sollux wiped it off, incredulous.

“We’re taking you out of here,” ne informed her.

Dirk started at that. “That wasn’t a part of the plan.”

“Nor was being a vigilante, and yet—”

—

AA: egbert senior under control.

TT: Please tell me you didn’t kill him.

AA: of course not.

AA: i locked him inside the kitchen.

TT: Ah. Of course.

TT: Why didn’t I think of that.

—

GA: Was That Your Way Of Saying You’ve Killed Someone.

TT: I am not an amateur, Kanaya.

GA: Apologies.

GA: Also, I’ve Knocked Harley Senior Out Unconscious.

TT: You don’t need to refer to them as seniors, you know that.

GA: It’s Okay.

GA: I Like It.

GA: He Is Very Old. 

—

Aradia was waiting for them at the rooftop; Sollux let her take over, nir own head dizzy.

Jane swore as Aradia tied her wrists back.

“Not soaked in acid, though I feel it’d be fair payback.” She hummed as she worked. “Situation under control?”

“Dirk’s being pissy,” Sollux said. The world was still spinning.

“Are you okay?”

“Not in front of the Crocker, jeez, AA.” Ne rubbed at their face. “I overdid it.”

“You showed off.”

“Potato, potahto.”

Jane’s face looked unreadable, not nearly as angry as Sollux would have expected.

“Huh.”

“What?” she snapped.

Ne flinched. “Nothing.”

“Be nice.” Aradia’s voice sounded hollow. “I won’t hesitate to throw you off.”

Jane rolled her eyes. “So much about demons not being murderers, yadda.”

“Political correctness killed my career,” Sollux imitated her voice.

Jane didn’t reply.

—

Jade rushed down the stairs; the chat was worryingly silent, the footsteps scurrying around her house more and more foreign.

This wasn’t good. 

There was someone in front of Albert’s room: a girl, dark-skinned, alert.

Jade stopped. The girl looked up. “Maryam?” She fit the description.

The girl didn’t move.

“Where’s my family.” 

Kanaya stepped back. Jade raised her gun.

“Put that thing down before you hurt someone.” A voice behind her back— she spun around, still holding aim—

“Hello, Jade,” Rose Lalonde said, staring her down. 

Jade’s eyes prickled. “Why.”

“Let her go and we can talk.”

“Rose—” Kanaya started, just as Jade shook her head.

“We have nothing to talk about.”

“My brother will be out of here within minutes and none of your family is harmed.” Her eyes were so intense. “Yet.”

Jade scowled. “Is that a—”

“It’s obviously a threat, yes.”

Jade bit her lip, _humph_ -ed.

“Let Kanaya go.”

Something clicked. “Oh.”

Rose’s expression darkened. “Oh, what.”

“That’s your girlfriend.”

Her face was unreadable. “Let her go.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Captor and a friend have Jane out on your rooftop and if we’re not to join them immediately she might not come down.” Her brow furrowed. “Well, not using the stairs, at least.”

Jade’s hands were shaking. “That’s sick.”

“ _That’s—_ oh, forget it.” Rose took a step back, reached a hand out. “Kanaya.”

“Rose?”

“She won’t shoot us.”

Jade laughed. “You think so?”

“You won’t shoot me.” Rose’s hand was still outstretched. Sarefully, Kanaya started moving past Jade.

Jade didn’t move. “Why do you think—”

“I can smell my brother’s blood from here.” Rose wasn’t meeting her eyes. “You’ve been crying. Your gun isn’t cocked. _Kanaya._ ”

Maryam grabbed the hand, pulled Rose close.

Jade wanted to scream. 

“I’m sorry,” Rose said. It didn’t help much.

“I am too.” She dropped her gun. _Jake will be so mad._

The duo was hesitating. Jade watched them, eyebrow arched.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” she asked. “I’m not stopping you!”

“I know you aren’t, we—” Rose looked at Kanaya; the latter nodded.

She turned to Jade. “Do you want me to knock you out?”

Jade blanched. “Excuse me?”

“I can make you unconscious— it won’t hurt.” Kanaya reached out a hand. “It’d be a good excuse for not stopping us.”

This was wrong. She was doing a wrong thing.

“Just go,” she said.

Kanaya nodded.

“I really am sorry.” Rose whispered, grabbed Kanaya’s hand. 

They disappeared without a sound.

—

“Holy shit, Dave?”

She rushed over to his side, knelt down before him; he gave her a small wave, his wrists crusted, his skin unnaturally pale.

“I’ll get you out,” she promised. John doubted Dave could understand much, doubted he’d been understanding much for the last few hours. “You’re okay now.”

She reached for his constraints, flinched away. She swore. 

John stepped forward.

“Oh, fuck.” She finally noticed him. “Fucking herbs burned my nose.”

“Hi,” he said, like any of this was normal. The hand he had the gun in was shaking. “Step back.”

She fixed him with a look. “You’re John, huh?”

His hands were shaking. “Roxy.”

“Hah, fuck,” Dave wheezed. Both Roxy and John jumped up. “I told him— my sister’s name— wow, we were dumb, dude.”

John’s heart skipped a beat. Roxy looked like she might cry.

“Rose showed me the conversation,” she whispered. 

John tried not to flinch.

“You guys are p' good friends, right?” 

John was going to throw up. “I didn’t know who he is.”

“He’s your friend.”

“He’s _not_!”

“He talked about you so much when you were thirteen.” She wasn’t looking away. “You’re graduating high school, huh?”

John was still aiming the gun, not sure who at. “Shut up.”

“You know this is not okay.”

“Yes, I do!” He was shouting, and he didn’t care. “I’ll shoot!”

She didn’t blink. “You won’t.”

“I will!”

“You won’t, dude.” Dave sounded half-coherent. “You’re a wimp.”

“Shut up!”

“You couldn’t even shoot me in LOL.” He made a move to sit up, winced. His eyes were puffy. “Rox, did you know he’s a terrible shot?”

“I’m sure he is.” She reached out, hovered a hand over Dave’s restraints. Looked at John again. “Please.”

“Please, what?” He was already lowering his gun. “You’re the bad guys.”

“Life isn’t so black-n-white.” 

He was already walking over to Dave’s chair. “You’re the bad guys.”

“Saying it a lot won’t make it true,” Dave said. “Tried it with my gay panic.”

Roxy snorted, surprised.

“Wait, you’re gay?” John asked. 

Now Dave burst out laughing.

John started working the ropes loose. It was hard, with how— ugh. Blood.

“I don’t do labels.” Dave kept trying to sit up. “I can’t feel my hands.”

“You’re moving them a lot, though, that’s good.” Roxy squeezed his knee. “You’ll be okay.”

“I know.” Dave tried to shrug. “Fuck.”

John freed one of his hands. “This is so wrong.”

“Yeah, said a lot of that too.” He was pretty sure Dave was delirious. “Does this feel like a gay metaphor to anyone else?”

“No, go more universal.” Roxy was watching John work the other arm. “Something about the non-violent power-imposing methods.”

“Retroactively changing the Base through pop culture.” Dave winced when John accidentally touched an open wound. “Nice.”

“Rose would be so proud of you.”

He shot them a lopsided grin.

John’s hands were shaking.

“Hey,” Roxy whispered.

“No, no, no.” He would just ignore he did this until it came back to bite him in the ass. 

“Are you ok?”

“Does he look ok to you?” Dave’s wrists were kinda swollen. “John, you need to chill.”

“What the fuck happened to you?”

“Bloodloss,” he deadpanned. 

John had to agree, it was a sound excuse. “I’m going to hell.”

“Since when do you believe in hell?”

“Shut up, it’s a saying.”

Roxy laughed.

“How are you so calm?” John asked.

“I think we’re just past the point of freaking out,” Dave said. “Like, the rollercoaster is so off the tracks it became a regular train.”

“Huh, that’s a good way of putting it.” Roxy smiled. “But, ye, kind of.”

“Plus, it’s not like we were ever that into the whole feud thing.” Dave went on. 

“Most of us, at least.” Roxy had taken off her hoodie and was pressing it to Dave’s freed wrist. “We lowkey just want to live.”

John’s hands were really, really shaking. Dave’s continued wincing was the only reason he didn’t try to run yet. “But you….” He couldn’t continue.

Roxy gave him a pitying smile.

“Your dad’s fucked up,” Dave said. “I get why that’d fuck you up.”

“Dave,” Roxy warned.

John made an offended sound, but kept working. “Shut up, he’s just trying to protect us.”

“No offense, but that’s the biggest pile of shit I’ve ever heard.”

“He is!”

“He killed your mom, dude, who is he really trying to protect.”

John’s hands dropped— didn’t matter, the rope was basically off anyways. “What?”

Roxy looked up, eyes wide— quickly helped Dave to his feet.

“Hey, no!” He grabbed Roxy’s forearm. She looked downright apologetic. “Your mother did it!”

Dave burst out laughing. He was fully relying on Roxy to keep him up. “Yeah, he’d tell you that.”

“No, he didn’t, shut _up_!”

“I’m sorry,” Roxy whispered. 

“He didn’t!” 

She shook his arm off. “Sorry.”

“No—”

And they were gone.

John swore. Realized he was crying. Swore again.

Someone was trying to break through the doors; he stepped back from the chair, looked down at his blood-stained hands.

“No.”

He didn’t even care if they realized he helped them escape.

“No, nope.”

The doors unlocked; it was Jade.

“No.”

“John?”

He looked up; she looked like she’d been crying too. Her eyes settled on his arms— she inhaled. 

“What?” he dared.

Her eyes gave away nothing. “Go wash your hands.”

He didn’t move.

“Your dad is going to wake up soon and if they find out we— I mean, you—” 

He raised an eyebrow.

She laughed. “Crap.”

He walked over to the small sink, turned the water on.

“So you saw Rose?”

“Let’s not talk about this right now.”

The blood went down the drain, faded grey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what better way to prep for exams than to write homestuck fanfiction am i right (attention is my lifeline pls)


	9. Chapter 9

Aradia looked more than tired. Feferi lingered at the doorway, unsure how to proceed.

They’d just gotten home—Dirk had been the first one to get back, Aradia and Sollux following soon after. Feferi had barely had the chance to feel relief when her girlfriend punched Dirk, Sollux holding her back; the duo was only pacified by Roxy showing up, Dave almost passed out in her arms. 

By the time Rose and Kanaya got back, Roxy had already opened a glass jar containing a dead bird. They had seemed too tired to protest. 

“I can see you,” Aradia said, bringing Feferi back to presend. _At least she’s smiling._ “Hi.”

“Hey,” Feferi blushed, stepped into the bedroom. She handed the half-wilted rose over; Aradia accepted it, seemingly amused. 

“How galant.”

Feferi curtsied. 

Aradia’s smile felt forced. “I’m okay.”

“That’s good!” Feferi flopped down next to her, leaned into her side. “But if you weren’t, that’d be super okay also!”

Aradia sighed, smiled. “You’re too good for me.”

“Um, incorrect, but okay.” Feferi nuzzled her girlfriend’s neck. “Sollux is out cold. Will ne be okay?”

“I hope so,” Aradia sighed again, picked at the darkened petals. “It was a long night.”

“I can imagine.”

“For you too.” She met Feferi’s eyes. “Hope I didn’t worry you too much.”

“Just a little,” Feferi reached out, squeezed her hand. “Want to tell me about the thing with Dirk?”

Aradia sighed.

“I’ll take that as a no?”

“He was just being himself,” she picked at the rose again. “And I exceptionally irritable.”

“M-hm.”

Aradia dozed off against her shoulder; Feferi helped her into a lying position, curled up next to her side.

Outside, dawn was breaking.  
__

Jake looked angry. Jade looked sheepish. John looked distant. 

Jane curled her fingers around the cup handle, sighed.

“That was,” James started.

“Embarrassing?”

“Thank you, Jake.”

Jake sighed, looked away. “I didn’t see her coming.”

“We were outnumbered,” Albert was walking around the room, phone in hand. “Those delinquents.” 

Jake groaned. “Dad.”

Albert ignored him. “They’re out on bail.”

“Let me guess,” Jane scowled. “Anonymous donor?”

Albert made a face.

“At least no one was hurt?” Jade tried. 

Jake rubbed at the back of his head, gave her a side-eye.

“Not seriously,” Jade corrected herself.

“They didn’t seem like they wanted to hurt us,” John whispered.

Jane raised an eyebrow.

“John, they were fully prepared to do so.” James spoke up. “They threatened to kill Jane.”

“Threatened, yeah!” He looked around, shrank back into himself. “Just. Don’t know.”

“What exactly are you implying?” Jane asked.

“I think we all had a long night,” Jake tried.

James nodded. “You should head to bed.”

“But—”

“Jane,” Albert interrupted. “Go to bed.”

The walk down the corridor was an awkward one.

“Anyone else feel like they’re twelve?” Jade asked.

“I feel sick,” John confessed.

“I feel stupid,” Jane said.

“We all had a long night.” Jake paused at his doors. “Uh. Sleep tight, I suppose?”

Jane curtsied. John was already half way down the corridor, apparently oblivious to the conversation.

__

Dave woke up to a soft ringing in his head and an ache in his wrists. He tried to sit up; the room moved. Everything smelled like rot. 

“Dave?”

He squinted; Kanaya was at his bedside, scowling down at him.

“Am I dead yet?”

A soft laugh. “No.”

“Damn it.”

She laughed again, pushed the bangs out of his face. “How are you feeling?”

“How do I look?”

“Well,” more shuffling. He closed his eyes, leaned back. “My mother always said not to speak if you have nothing nice to say.”

He wheeze-laughed. 

The sound of his front doors opening. The smell of rot grew stronger.

“He’s awake,” Kanaya whispering. The doors closing again. The smooth cold of his shades being placed on his face. He opened his eyes, exhaled.

“Was that Dirk?”

Silence. “He was really worried.”

Dave shrugged, looked around; Rose was there, in a chair next to his bed, upper body resting on his knees, asleep. He tried to sit up again, careful not to budge her. “The place stinks.”

“Yes,” Kanaya agreed. “They broke one of your jars.”

Dave’s eyes flew to his dead thing shelf; true enough, an especially large one was missing. “Aw, not the crow.”

Kanaya looked sheepish. “I’m sorry.”

“He was like, three months old.” He felt around his wrists; they were wrapped in an excessive amount of white gauze. “Didn’t even get to name him properly.”

Kanaya scowled. “You usually name your preserved animals?”

Dave pointed to the small hamster, resting in formaldehyde. “That’s Cheeto.”

“That’s delightful.”

“That’s short for cherry tomato,” Rose said.

Dave jumped a little. “Oh, hi.”

She looked up at him; her face was red from where she’d laid on her arm. She looked tired.

“Cherry tomato?” Kanaya tried.

“Do you remember how you got here?” Rose asked.

Dave did. “Nah.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“Everyone okay?”

“Only thing that got hurt was Dirk’s ego,” she sat up. She was still looking at him weird. “Jade let us escape.”

Oh. “John straight-up untied me.”

Rose nodded. 

“That was weird.”

“It’s weird”

“Very weird.”

“Fucking weird.”

They shared a grin. Kanaya scoffed, smiling.

Dave barely had time to react before Rose was hugging him, careful not to move his wrists.

“You got me really worried there,” she whispered. 

Awkwardly, he patted her back.

“Sorry.”

She nodded into his shoulder.

He looked at Kanaya; she shrugged.

“Rose,” he said.

She pulled back, inhaled. Her eyes were red.

“Do you think they’ll be in trouble?” He asked, after a beat.

Rose frowned.

“Jade and John.” It was so weird. “Jesus.”

“I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t care.” 

“Mm, believable.”

She shot him a look. He raised his wrists, hoped the signs of recent injury would lessen the lesbian wrath.

“I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

“Fair,” he could relate. “I lowkey passed out.”

“Yes.”

“Did I miss something big?”

Rose and Kanaya shared a sigh. 

Dave sat up straighter. “That good?”

“Dirk apparently went after Jake,” Kanaya said.

“Shit.”

“It was a mess,” Rose agreed. “Aradia punched him.” 

Dave laughed. “Seriously?”

“He almost hit her back but then Feferi and Sollux intervened,” Kanaya went on. “They were all pretty tired; that’s when the bird got involved.”

”I can smell it, yeah.”

“It’s on our living room floor.”

Dave made a grimace. “That’s gross.”

“They’ll leave soon,” Rose sighed. “And then we can smoke this place with incense.”

“Where’s Karkat?”

Rose and Kanaya shared a look. Dave didn’t appreciate the implication.

“Our room, at the moment.” Kanaya got up, moved towards the door. “We’ll move him as soon as your siblings leave.”

“You gave him the lesbian death bed?”

“Temporarily,” Kanaya said. “Also,”

“Death bed?” Rose winked. “I’m glowing.”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“Don’t throw if you don’t know how to take it.”

“I’m sorry, Rose, I’m so sorry.”

Kanaya laughed on her way out. The smell of rot seemed to have grown stronger.

__

Tg: so anywayz what im saying is,,,

Tg: brothers are annoying

UU: Heh I sUppose.

UU: This jUst reminded me I’ve failed to retUrn my brothers calls for months.

UU: Whoops. U_U

Tg: hehehe i love u

Tg: no like ur brother is way more of a dick than any of mine

Tg: mine are just super stubborn and angsty urs is a real dick

UU: I gUess.

Tg: no guessing im right

UU: Well, then.

UU: I agree?

Tg: u know hes a dick

UU: I do. 

UU: Sigh.

UU: I Used to feel like a bad person for thinking badly of my family, bUt.

Tg: screw that

Tg: blood of the convenant n all that biz im ur new family now

UU: ! I accept.

UU: Does that make yoUr brothers my brothers too?

Tg: brothers in law mayb

UU: What?

Tg: what

Roxy pressed a curled fist against her mouth, screamed. Feferi looked over at her, her face the image of an exasperatedly amused mother.

“Girl troubles?”

“I’m so gay,” she groaned. Sat up. “Uh, pan, I mean. Is using gay as an umbrella okay?”

“I mean, using gay people as umbrellas is probably not the soundest decision,” Feferi said. “But I gotcha!”

Roxy snorted. “Aradia’s rubbing off on you.”

Feferi waggled her eyebrows. Roxy snorted again.

The doors of the café chimed open; Roxy checked her phone-screen for new messages, nearly missed Feferi’s quiet gasp.

She sat up, alert. “All ok?”

“You need to run.”

“Wha—”

A hand on the back of her forearm; Feferi looked ready to pounce.

“I’m not going to hurt her!” John Egbert said, not releasing his hold. “I just need to talk to—please don’t attack me, I don’t want to hit a girl!”

Roxy dropped her fighting posture, gave him a tired look. “Really.”

His face was flushed; his eyes were red. 

All anger dissipated faster than was wise. “Um, you okay?”

“I know you have no reason to trust me, but I need to talk to you.” His voice was quiet, rushed. 

“You’re right about the not trusting thing!” Feferi’s customer face was slipping. “Roxy?”

_Welp._ “No, it’s okay.”

They both looked surprised. Roxy could relate.

“Roxy, this isn’t smart.”

“Tell me about it.” She sighed, got up from her seat. “Let’s go to the back.”

John’s eyes were impossibly wide. “Wait, really?”

“Yes, really?” 

“Fef,” she reached over, managed a smile. “Text Sollux.”

Feferi nodded, shot John another look. 

He swallowed. “So.”

She grabbed his hand, pulled towards the back. “Follow me.”

__

_new phone who dis_

_(its dave btw)_

Karkat rolled his eyes, typed up a reply. The scented candles he’d found in Kanaya’s nightstand weren’t doing much to block out the overwhelming reek of the apartment. 

**guessed that much.**

**how did you get a new phone this fast?**

_sollux is bae_

**jesus fuck, you’re embarrassing.**

Rose and Kanaya could be heard chatting away in the living room; Karkat really needed to pee but was not yet willing to risk running into Dirk.

**how are you feeling?**

The reply was almost instantaneous.

_im literally a wall away bro the chivalry is appreciated but youre allowed to visit my apparently not deathbed_

**yeah, but your brother is in the living room.**

_oh ok that changes things_

Karkat snorted. 

**i’ll drop by in a few. be decent.**

_holy shit youre risking dirk encounters to see me i feel special_

Karkat couldn’t help smiling. He really needed to backtrack.

**you better.**

**also, please tell me your room is air-locked or something.**

_nah its death smell central everywhere_

**where did they even get a dead bird??**

_um_

_so you really havent peeked into my room eh_

__

“Why do you think my dad killed my mum?”

Roxy watched John, unsure what to say. He looked like a mess; he had every right to look like a mess. The cocoa she’d bought him sat untouched. 

“Um.”

He wiped at his eyes. 

She fought the urge to reach over. _Hunter, hunter, hunter._ “So, our mums were living together.”

He looked up at that. “What?”

She laughed, awkward. “Okay, wow.”

“They lived together?”

“How much do you know?”

He slumped back, pouted. “Not much, apparently.”

She poked his foot with hers. He sat up straighter, apparently surprised.

“Look,” she tried. “I know our families, like, hate each other.”

“Yeah.”

“But I’m.” She sighed. “That whole anime nemesis thing is Dirk’s schtick.”

He seemed confused.

“I can’t hate you.” She shrugged. “Sorry if that’s ruining your parade.”

“No, it’s okay.” He frowned. “I think?”

“You think?”

“I don’t think it should be okay.” He bit his lip. “I’m. I don’t know.”

She nodded. “Same.”

He chuckled, tried to cover it up. 

She knew she shouldn’t test her luck, but. “What was that?”

“Nothing.” He was smiling. “Just. I see where Dave gets it from.”

_Wow._ “I’m not actually his mum, you know?”

He frowned again. “Uh.”

“Uh?”

“Why’d I think that?”

She made a face. “He sometimes calls me mum.”

John splutter-laughed.

“It’s our thing!”

“Okay, that’s weird.”

“Babe, we’re demons.”

“He seriously calls you mum?”

Roxy shrugged. “I kinda was the best he had for most of his adolescence, dunno.” She sipped at her drink. “He doesn’t actually view me as his mother, so.”

“Are you sure?”

She shrugged. “No.”

He laughed.

“Speaking of mothers, though.” She leaned forward. “What’s your dad’s story?”

He sighed, sobered up. “Mutie—uh, your mum?” He paused. “She killed mine. Um.”

Roxy frowned. “That all?”

John shrugged.

“No motive, nothing?”

He looked away, clenched his jaw. “Mum apparently ran into her on one of her shift, we just assumed it was some sort of payback or whatever.” He pronounced payback weird, as if it were two separate words. “I don’t know, okay?!”

“O-kay.” She sat back. “That’s partially true.”

He raised an eyebrow, alert. 

“They did run into each other on the street—however.” She bit her lip. This’d be a shitshow. “That wasn’s not the first time they met.”

John grimaced. “No?”

“John.” She leaned in even further. “Please don’t freak out.”

He looked ready to freak out. “Uh-oh.”

“John.” She reached out, clasped his hand. “Our mums were hella gay.”

__

“This is so weird.”

Dave snickered, watched Karkat over the edge of his glasses. The latter was sprawled across his bed— _nngh_ —scowling at his jar collection.

“What the fuck is that?” he pointed, vaguely. “That long brown thing.”

“Oh, that’s Lacan.” Dave leaned up, laughed at Karkat’s disgusted impression. “He’s a centipede.”

“Ew.”

“I actually didn’t fix that one up,” he admitted. “Lowkey stole it off a school lab.”

“Wait, you did the other ones?” Karkat looked over, eyes wide. 

Dave nodded. “It’s not that hard.”

Karkat scoffed. “That’s kind of impressive.” Another grimace. “Also really weird, but.”

Dave snorted.

“Also, Lacan?” Karkat laughed. “Really?”

“He has that kind of face.” 

“Can’t believe you’re not a lit major.” Karkat rolled over; he was now looking up at Dave. _Nnngh._ “How do you do it?”

Dave fought the urge to mess with Karkat’s hair. “What?”

Karkat rolled his eyes, sat up. “How do you make dead shit not stink.”

“You really want to know?”

“Why the hell do you think I’m asking, fucknugget?”

Dave grinned. “That’s a good one.”

“I know,” Karkat bristled. “So?”

“So,” Dave straightened up, excited despite himself. “Depends on the kind of the dead shit...”

__

Jade overslept; woke up to shouting in the kitchen. Jake was already at the staircase when she rushed out; eavesdropping.

“What’s going on?” she asked. 

Jake seemed worried. “I think John spoke to Roxy.”

“What—like, today?” 

Jake nodded.

“Lalonde?”

He rolled his eyes. “No, the surf and snowboard brand.”

More shouting; doors slamming. John rushed out of the kitchen; noticed them, paused for a second.

His eyes were unfocused.

“John?”

He opened his mouth to speak; closed them.

“John,” Jade tried again. 

“I’m.” He paused, frowned. “Heh.”

Jake was getting up. “John?”

The front doors opened; Jane walked in, arms full of groceries. She looked between them; apparently sensed the atmosphere. “Did something happened?”

“No,” John snapped; then, with a turn of his heel, he was out for the door.

No one dared move.

“Should we go after him?” Jade asked.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Jane said. “Did something…”

“I just woke up,” Jade shrugged. 

Jake was quiet.

Jane scowled. “Jake?”

“He asked James if.” He paused, inhaled. “Asked James if Daisy left him.”

A beat. Jane and Jake were sharing a look.

Jade was the first to break the silence. “Where’d he get that?”

The two didn’t move.

Jade’s stomach dropped. “Guys?”

“She did,” Jane whispered. “She asked for divorce.”

Jade wasn’t sure she understood. “What?”

“He namedropped Roxy.” Jake’s voice sounded weak. “He seems to think,”

Jane met Jade’s eyes.

“He thinks James did it?” Jake’s voice came out shaky. “Which is ridiculous, but.”

“You did lie to us,” Jade’s voice came out more bitter than she’d intended. 

Jake averted his eyes.

“Why would you keep that a secret?”

“It just,” Jane bit her lip. “It didn’t seem like something crucial.”

“Anything else you forgot to mention?” Jade asked. No answer. “I can’t believe this!”

“Jade, please calm down.” Jane’s cool was slipping. “I know you’re upset, and rightfully so, but,”

“No, I won’t calm down!” Jade snapped. “We’re expected to kill and, and just believe everything we’re told—”

“Jesus, Jade, no one lied to you!” Jake responded in kind. “Yes, it was a detail no one mentioned but;”

“How do I know it’s the only thing you “forgot” to tell me?” She made the signs with her fingers. “How do you know you have the full truth?”

Jake’s jaw was clenched. “We trust our family!”

“Trust is earned!”

“Jade.”

“No, this is stupid!” She pushed past him, down the stairs. “I’m going for a walk!”

“Jade, please.”

“Bye!”

She made a circle around their neighbourhood, once, twice. Came back somewhat calmer, still shaken.

John didn’t.

__

EB: hey, is this roxy?

EB: (it’s john, by the way.)

tg: ye its me !! sup ;D

EB: oh, your handle is the same as dave’s.

EB: that’s kind of cool.

EB: also kind of weird but, hey. :B

tg: bring castration anxiety into this and ill block u

EB: uh, what?

Tg: hahah nvm 

tg: ur not a lit major thank jesus

EB: hahah, right, you live with tt and tg.

EB: uh, rose and dave, i mean.

EB: it’s so weird, using their real names??

tg: ye ull get used to it

tg: i think hell if i know

tg: anywayz!! u ok?

EB: yes!

EB: um.

EB: no, actually.

tg: uh-oh

tg: do u need help?

tg: fair warning im still to assume everything is a trap

EB: fair enough.

EB: i confronted my dad.

EB: he asked how i found out.

EB: i think your version might be the real one.

EB: so, um. 

EB: not sure how to feel about that yet.

tg: oh shit

tg: fuck

tg: where r u now?

EB: feferi’s cafe, again, haha.

EB: she’s giving me the worst stink eye but agreed to serve me.

tg: i dont think i ever saw her do a stink eye, dang

EB: yeah, she’s not doing it very convincingly.

tg: do u have a place to stay?

EB: i’ll find a motel, it’s cool.

tg:

tg: fuck it

tg: im coming to pick u up

EB: uh.

EB: excuse me?

tg: ur staying with us

tg: if you want to??

tg: i mean youre in high school still im not letting you stay in a crappy motel i did my fair share of that and it wasnt always fun

tg: plus i bet you dont even have your own sheets

EB: i don’t, but.

tg: see

tg: our couch is lice-free

tg: we also have two free rooms

tg: offers on the table

EB: um.

EB: aren’t you scared it’s a trap?

tg: it’s only dirk n me here

tg: if you fuck us over, we can fuck u up plenty

tg: anyhow!! y/n on the offer?

__

tg: so remember how u said no strays

tt: I don’t even have the energy to be angry.

tt: You’re letting me name it, though.

tg: weeeeeeeeeell this one kinda has a name already

tt: ...

tt: Did you steal someone’s cat?

tt: You know what, I’m still too tired to care.

tg: hahah you say that now 

tt: 

tt: What did you do.

tg: we have someone staying the night!

tt: Roxy. 

tg: and i kno it wasnt the smartest move but i have faith in us

tt: This better not mean what I think it means.

tg: he has no bugs on him and i made him leave his phone at fefs cafe and teleported him in so he has no idea what the address is

tt: He? 

tt: Jesus christ, Roxy, tell me you didn’t just pick John Egbert off the street.

tg: ,,,what if i have

tt: I am going to have an aneurysm.

tg: he helped me get dave out dirk i really think he could help

tg: im sorry i didnt ask but

(tt blocked tg)

__

TT: Dirk messaged me with some worrying implications.

tg: yeaaaaaaah i did do a thing

__

TG: roxy what the fuck

__

TT: Dirk is staying with us. 

GA: Oh?

GA: Is Everything Okay?

TT: Roxy did something highly risky and foolish.

GA: Are We Angry With Her?

TT: We Should be.

GA: But?

TT: But,

TT: God, I kind of want her to be right about this.

__

TG: so uh hey

TG: karkats got the couch so wheres dirk supposed to crash

GA: The guest room?

TG: yeah but im there

GA: Now, I Admit I Haven’t Perambulated There In A While.

GA: But I Remember It As Having Two Beds?

TG: yeah but

TG: were not talking

GA: Hm.

GA: Seems Like A Problem That’s Not Really My Problem.

TG: cold

GA: You Could Always Ask Karkat To Come Room With You?

TG: hahah yeah

TG: or,,,you could do that

GA: Why, I Could.

GA: Unfortunately, I Cannot Be Bothered Too.

TG: no no kanaya cmon

GA: Do As You Wish, David.

GA: Both Will Do You Good.

TG: kanaya pls pls pls 

__

TG: your gf is mean to me

TT: Sorry for the late reply, I was too busy laughing at your conversation.

__

TG: so hey

TG: my brothers crashing at this place tonight

CG: oh?

CG: how come?

CG: (we’re talking about dirk, right? you don’t have any more brothers nobody bothered to tell me about?)

TG: yeah @dirk no @the other q

TG: or do i

CG: har har

TG: maybe i have an evil twin

CG: why is your brother staying here?

TG: hes part bird part asshole

CG: dave.

TG: ok ok sorry

TG: its a long fucking story but the bottom line is

TG: there only one more bed and its in the room im in

TG: so

CG: so?

TG:

TG: i really cant sleep in the same room as him please switch

CG: oh.

CG: ok.

TG: ok

TG: that was easy

TG: thank you thank you holy shit thank you

CG: chill out, i’m just indulging you cause you’re in recovery.

TG: ill wash your feet with my tears

CG: come near my foot and i’ll shove it so far up your ass you’ll speak in karkat toes.

TG: hahahha holy fuck youre perfect

__

GG: john where are you???

GG: i’m really worried please just tell me you’re okay!

GG: i don’t know what’s going on either and i’m confused too but we need to stick together.

GG: especially now!

GG: i can’t handle losing you too.

EB: He’s ok.

GG: ?????????

GG: who is this???????

EB: Hah, uh.

EB: Feferi, actually? From the cafe?

GG: i’m….not sure i understand?

EB: Hah yes, this is really awkward!

EB: I’m really sorry too.

EB: He really is okay! Didn’t mean to read through your messages.

EB: He left his phone with me, I’ll tell him to get back to you in the morning.

GG: do you. uh.

EB: I know where he is right now, yes!

EB: Can’t tell you though, sorry !!

GG: how?

EB: I know about demons and all, too.

EB: I’m really glad I didn’t give you my full name now, phew!

GG: oh.

GG: are you?

EB: No! But might as well be 8)

EB: The girlfriend I mentioned?

GG: oh.

EB: Yes!

EB: You were really cute. 8/

EB: It really sucks that you’re trying to kill everyone i care about.

GG: hey.

GG: hey!

__

 

gt: Where’s john?

tt: Fuck if I know.

gt: I swear to god strider this is about to get ugly.

tt: About to? Cute.

gt: Don’t play games.

tt: Or what? You’ll shoot me?

tt: Do me a favour and fuck off.

tt: I spent good ten hours worried sick about my little brother, not about to waste my breath helping you two sleep at night.

gt: So you know where he is?

tt: That sure is a question I’m not about to answer.

__

tt: So, you have his phone.

CC: Oh no.

tt: I didn’t say anything.

CC: No no no !!

__

TA: fuck off

tt: Oh, come on.

TA: tbh i have no idea what you asked and idc go away

tt: I want to message Jake from John’s phone.

TA: …

TA: fuck hed freak out

tt: He’d freak the fuck out.

TA: fuck

TA: thats good

__

CC: If Aradia asks I had no part in this 8(

tt: Sure thing, princess.

__

gt: John, i know you’re upset but please tell us where you are.

EB: No can do, bro.

gt: 

EB: Out of unsuspecting civilians to trace back to our place already?

gt: Dirk?

EB: Woah, first name bases? I’ll get nostalgic.

gt: Where’s john?

EB: Ha.

__  
**nonconspicuous groupchat + johns phone**

EB: (added a screenshot)

EB: This is Feferi btw!!

tg: fef!! :(((

EB: They made me! 8(

tg: siigh

tg: dirk?

tt: I know nothing.

TA: he bullied us into it

tt: Oh you dick. 

__

tg: john is okay

gg: Do you have him?

gg: Where is he??

gg: Roxy??

__

tt: Okay, you have to admit, it’s kind of hilarious.

tg: im not laughing!!

tt: Oh, come on.

tt: It’s not like he’s in any actual danger.

tt: (Unlike someone was).

tg: ye i got dave out distri i saw it wont forget it any time soon

tt: Down, girl.

tt: Anyways, a pair of extras from Village of the damned is about to appear on your doorstep.

tt: And when I say about to I am very literal.

tg: first of all,

tg: what kinda self drag

tg: second of all,

tg: god damn it

__

The doors opened with Roxy in the bathroom; John froze up on the couch, unsure what to do. 

“Holy shit, she was for real.”

Dave and Rose stood at the doorway; Dave had a large backpack pressed to his chest, his arms all bandaged up. John’s stomach sank with some mixture of guilt and fear.

“Hi?”

“Hello,” Rose nodded. Her face was unreadable. “I see you’ve made yourself comfortable.”

He couldn’t move. “Um.”

“Holy fuck,” Roxy was out of the bathroom, _thank jesus_. “Headsup doesn’t count if you give me whole three secs of prep time.”

“Sorry,” Dave didn’t sound sorry. Rose pushed past him, set her own bag down on the floor.

“Uh,” John said.

Dave met his eyes—or so John assumed, damn the shades. “Sleepover,” he said, as if that explained anything.

Well, it kind of did, but— _hey_. “Wait, are those the shades I got you?” 

Dave’s mouth opened, closed. Roxy and Rose were watching them; Roxy slapped a hand to her forehead, sighed.

“This is why I’m a lesbian,” Rose whispered.

“So what if they are,” Dave’s voice sounded strained.

“Are you seriously wearing them?” John’s head felt light. “I always assumed you were bullshitting.” 

Dave’s mouth opened and closed again. “Um.”

“You only realized this now?” Rose moved towards the kitchen. “Really?”

“Hey, they look like regular aviators!” John said. “Didn’t realize it’s The Pair—you really wear them?”

“Obviously,” Dave wheezed.

“All the time?”

“Give him a break,” Roxy was smiling.

“I thought that’s how you realized it’s him.” Rose was back. “How did you realize?”

And there that was, the sinking again. John flushed. “Uh.”

“My phone,” Dave deadpanned, moved towards the kitchen too. “Hey, what’s Dirk’s favourite flavour of cheetos? I’ll eat them all.”

“Aw, are you still angry about your dead bird?”

“He was _perfectly preserved_ , fuck off.”

Roxy laughed in response. The younger siblings disappeared into the other room.

“Hey,” she plopped down next to John. “You ok?”

He swallowed. “Yes!”

“They’re as nervous as you are, y’know.”

Rose peeked through the doorway; Roxy blew her a kiss.

“I’m not nervous.” John insisted.

“Sure thing.” Rose deadpanned. It made her look scarily like Dave.

“That makes you look like Dave,” he said. 

She raised an eyebrow. “You get to make comments when my brother’s wrists heal.”

_Okay_. “Okay.”

Roxy made a _tsk_ sound. Dave pushed past Rose and back into the living room, face red.

“Anyone want a snack?” He had a bag of cheetos in one hand, true to his word. John still didn’t dare move.

“If all you’re gonna do is make things awkward, you might as well go back to Dirk city.” Roxy said.

“Dirk city sounds like an awful place,” Dave said, mouth full. 

Rose walked forward, resumed a place behind Dave’s chair. “You’re not spending the night alone in an apartment with him.”

“What, scared I’ll do something naughty?” 

“Roxy.”

“Sorry.”

Dave’s face was awfully red; John felt his own heat up too. Rose rolled her eyes. Roxy was still smiling.

Finally, Roxy set up a movie; Dave passed out in his seat, apparently exhausted. John kept sneaking tentative glances towards Rose; she’d brush them off with a glower. Roxy ordered pizza. 

“How do you do this?” he finally asked.

“What?” She had a mouth full of the four-cheese kind. 

“He’s wondering how you’re so casual.” Rose translated. She wasn’t eating.

Roxy shrugged. “He’s eighteen.”

“Dirk was sixteen when he killed his dad.”

John sat up at that. “What?”

“We don’t know that,” Dave mumbled from his seat, apparently awake. 

“Good morning,” Rose told him.

“Can’t believe you didn’t get me a blanket,” he said.

John wasn’t letting this go. “Dirk killed his dad?”

“We don’t know that,” Dave said again.

John turned to look at Roxy, exasperated. 

She shrugged, swallowed the rest of her pizza. “My family’s fucked up, sorry.”

“Why would he kill—oh, Cal Borne, right.”

Roxy and Rose pulled matching grimaces. John couldn’t tell in the light, but Dave’s face seemed to be red again.

“Hey, bab, you okay?” Roxy called to him, leaning forward in her seat. “Need help getting to bed?”

“Jesus, Roxy, I’m fine.” Dave sat up, rubbed at his face. “I’m just tired.”

“Yes,” Rose muttered. “All the time.”

Roxy frowned. “Have you fed?”

Dave lifted the bag of flips still in his hands.

Roxy seemed unamused. “Want me to spell it out in front of your buddy, ‘cause I will.”

John felt very uncomfortable.

“Christ, you’re overreacting.” Dave sighed, slumping. 

“Dave.” Rose sounded tired too. “The only thing I did was teleport twice and it still drained me enough to need replenishing immediately—”

“Okay, I did _not_ need to hear that,”

“Dave, for the love of god.”

“Control your inner exhibitionist, Lalonde, thanks.”

“Dave.”

John looked at Roxy. She shook her head, shrugged again.

“So you’re, uh.” John spoke without thinking and suddenly wow all the eyes were on him. “Um.”

“What a good assessment.” Rose’s voice was harsh, cold. John really needed to stop feeling so hurt by it.

He turned to look at Dave instead—bad idea. The white of the gauze covering his wrists stood out in the semi-darkness. “You’re not feeding?”

Dave pressed both arms to his face, groaned.

“See?” Rose sat up. “To quote, if you will, a meme—”

“ _HolyshitRoseshutup_ ”

“Even demons know.”

Roxy started humming.

John frowned. “Well, technically—”

“Yes, the ironic twist did not go unnoticed.” Rose sat back, smoothed down her skirt. Turned around, met John’s eyes. “He’s not feeding.”

John’s breath caught in his throat. “Oh.” He looked over at Dave; he still had his face in his arms. “Um, why?”

“Are you for real?” His voice was getting high-pitched. “You tie me to a chair for being a big bad rape-y lifesucker but then aren’t happy when I abstain from the evil incubi feastfest? Jesus, pick a side.”

“Obvious pansexuality joke,” Roxy shot in.

Dave made a heart-shape with his fingers.

“I’m not—” John tried, felt something bubble up his chest. “I’m trying to understand, okay?!”

“Wow, tell us how you really feel.”

“Dave.”

“No, seriously!” John felt himself say. “I’m—you told me to ditch the family business, and now I’m—”

“What, you’re changing sides?” Dave asked.

John’s eyes started burning.

“I’m sorry, John, but we just find this a little hard to believe.” Rose’s facade was cracking up. “I would love to think that you’re different but.”

He wasn’t going to cry, he wasn’t. “But?”

She bit her lip, averted her gaze. “Dirk thought Jake was different and got shot.”

A beat of silence. The couple on TV was having an argument.

Roxy slowly sat up, turned the TV off. “Okay, talking time.”

“No,” Dave said.

“Talking time,” she insisted.

“No talking time.”

“I’ll bring you a blanket if you stay there.”

Dave sighed, stayed put. “Playing dirty.”

John inhaled. “He—he thought he was doing the right thing.”

“Welp.” Rose pushed herself off the sofa, away towards the bathroom. “How unfortunate.”

Everyone remained silent for another few moments.

“Do you?” Dave was the first to speak up.

John made a confused face.

“Do you agree. With Jake.” He couldn’t see Dave’s eyes but still felt as if they were boring into his brain. “Do you think it was the right thing?”

John looked back at Roxy. She was avoiding his eyes too.

“I…” It trailed off.

Dave scoffed.

“I don’t know!”

“Well, fucking figure it out.” Dave laughed, bitter. “‘Cause rooming with the enemies is hardly considered keepin’ it neutral.”

“I don’t think what they did to you was right!”

Dave laughed again, more hysteric this time. “Why? Cause you had to see it?”

Roxy was moving. “Dave.”

“Dirk had bled way more, bro.”

“I’m sorry!”

“Are you now?”

“Dave, shut up.” Rose was back; did she ever leave? John wasn’t sure. “Maybe you should go to bed.”

“Oh, fuck off!”

“Maybe we should all go to bed,” Roxy whispered.

“Yeah, just let him kill us in our sleep, it’ll be chill.” Dave snorted. 

Rose’s face was blank. “You’re in no state to keep watch.”

John was biting his lip so hard he could taste blood.

“You should really go catch some Zs,” Roxy agreed. “And then get some energy in you, pronto.”

Dave sighed.

“When did you develop a sudden aversion to feeding?” Rose asked. 

“Dude, seriously?!”

John grimaced. “Is there...um.”

“Not a good time to ask questions, just a pro-tip.” Dave climbed to his feet, nearly fell back down. “I’m out.”

“Out of your damn mind, maybe.” Rose snapped. “Look at yourself.”

Dave raised his arms, curtsied.

“Do you, uh.” John wasn’t sure what to do with himself. “Do you need, like, assistance?”

A beat. Dave’s eyebrows raised, cheeks flushed.

“Dude.”

“Not like that!” John spluttered. “Like, getting somewhere. I don’t know.”

“One way stop to orgasm land?” Dave offered.

John spluttered again.

“It did sound like you were propositioning him,” Rose agreed.

“Not fair,” Dave was laughing. “Sollux will never believe I turned down John Egbert.”

Rose raised an eyebrow. “As if.”

“As if what now.”

“Okay, time to go.” Roxy got up, hooked an arm around Dave’s torso. “Say bye-bye to your pals, let’s go nap.”

Rose watched them go, not moving. “Sometimes I feel like the father figure in this pre-oedipal triangle.”

Dave shot her a piece sign. “Illuminati.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still riding the high from the positive response to the last chapter and not even ashamed of it. hope all of your summers are going well, let me know if you liked this pls, & stay safe !


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u guys are so nice aah !! the last two scenes of this ch (starting after "tg: lmao whatever you say") contain vague discussions of past noncon so stay safe 
> 
> (also the link is clickable)

Tt: Olive branch.

Tg: listenin

Tt: Back when Cal was going after Jane’s mother,

Tt: He had help.

Tt: This strange lady, really tall, lots of hair.

Tt: I snooped around, got in trouble, never caught a name.

Tt: Looking into his contact book right now.

Tg: u still have those?

Tt: Apparently.

Tt: Not the point, though.

Tt: I think it was the Condescension.

Tg: the condescension?

Tt: That’s what the phonebook says.

Tt: Here’s her picture.

Tt: (photo)

Tg: wait a sec

__

Tg: yo porrim

Tg: (photo)

Tg: condy as in a rly self-flagellating title?

PM: That sure is her.

PM: Where’d you get this?

Tg: ill brief u in in person kk

PM: Perfect. <3

__

tg: that her

tg: jesus i hate her

tt: Ha, yes.

tt: Anyways. I don’t think she did it out of the goodness of heart.

tg: what r u saying

tg: u dont think or like. u know stuff

tg: spiill

tt: Partially overheard, partially putting two and two together.

tg: thats not spilling babe

tt: Anyways. 

tt: She wanted something from Nancy.

tt: Apparently Nancy wasn’t playing along.

tg: so wait she had beef with them crockharleglishes b4 we did??

tt: I can’t even pronounce that name.

tt: But, yes.

tg: holy shit

tg: what a bitch

__

Dave woke up to the sound of the bathroom doors closing; sat up, still groggy.

God, he was pathetic.

“Morning.”

He started. “Holy shit, asshole.”

Dirk laughed. “Yeah, I slept well, thanks for asking.”

“Where did you even come from—are you already dressed?” He was. “What time is it?”

“Little after seven,” Dirk moved towards the kitchen. “Your boyfriend’s still asleep, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I’m not—he’s not—”

Dirk turned towards him, snorted.

“Yeah, fuck you.” Dave sat back, ran a hand down his face. “Thanks for waking me up at ass-o-hour, by the way.”

“Not my fault you were too chicken-shit to room with a pretty boy,” Dirk was starting up the coffee machine. “Nearly offered you a coffee but if you’re going to act twelve you might as well feed accordingly.”

Dave was _really_ starting to dislike that word.

“Speaking of feeding,”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“You look like shit.”

Dave grimace-smiled in response. “I know, we could pass for twins.”

Dirk mouthed a _ha_ , went about filling his thermos. 

“Heading out?”

“You ignore me for, how long?” Dirk asked. “And now you’re all chatty chatty bang bang?”

“Was that a musical reference?” Master of deflecting, that’s him. “Talk about fighting the stereotypes.”

“Your shirt literally says ‘legalise gay marihuana’.”

Dave looked down. It did. “Your point?”

“What a good ally you make,” Dirk was finished with whatever the hell he’d been doing, was now making his way towards the door. “Say hi to Rose for me.”

“I’ll make sure not to forget.”

Dirk opened the doors, hesitated. Looked like he’d say something.

Dave let his upper body slam back onto the couch, screwed his eyes shut.

“Typical.” Dirk laughed—sounded bitter. 

The doors finally closed shut.  
__

Tg: wait whats stat report on nancy

Tt: Seriously?

Tg: hey

Tg: i had my own shit goin on at the time

Tt: She’s dead.

Tg: well duh figured that much

Tg: howd she die tho

Tt: 

Tg: uhoh

Tg: next ur gonna tell me it was you

Tg: ??

Tg: dirk???????

Tt: It wasn’t me, jesus.

Tg: do i need to ask for an alibi

Tt: Check the news reports for April 30th, 2012.

Tt: Think you’ll remember me being otherwise preoccupied.

Tg: oh shit

Tg: shit sorry

Tt: Nevermind.

Tg: ok

Tg: not that i wanna pry

Tg: and you can totes block me

Tt: I probably will.

Tg: but !!

Tg: was it connected

Tt: Roxy.

Tg: its just a q

Tt: Yes.

Tg: yes just a q or yes it was connected

Tt: Yes.

Tg: thats still super vague but wow ill stop now

Tg: wow 

Tt: She went for a double-suicide. Didn’t work very well.

Tt: Got him weak enough for me to do my thing, though, so it wasn’t in vain I guess.

Tg: shit

Tg: does jane know?

Tt: Oh, yes, we text regularly.

Tt: We watch Parks&rec on the weekends, I’m making her a custom book for her birthday.

Tg: fiine sorry i asked 

Tg: and thanks

Tg: 4realz

Tt: Dude, it wasn’t like I had another option.

Tt: How’s the wolf in sheep’s clothing doing.

Tg: mmm i get more of a messy twink vibe from john

Tt: Roxy.

Tg: maaybe otter

Tt: Holy shit, I love you.

Tg: ily too asshat

__

John watched Roxy shake her head at the phone, felt a strange tugging in his stomach.

_You fucked up._

They would be _pissed_. His dad would kill him—his dad, who he still wasn’t sure if he could trust—he had totally stormed out on his family without telling them where he’d be, he stayed with the very people they told him not to trust;

“Hey,” Roxy’s voice made him snap out of it. “You ok?”

John blinked. His mouth were dry.

“Ok, that’s an obvious no.” She reached over, grabbed his hand. “What’s up?”

“Uh.”

She laughed. “Yeah, that’s a stupid question.” She pushed away, got up, walked towards the food cabinets. “Eat a breakfast. That’ll help.”

“I’m really not—”

“Not optional!” She sing-sang. “And then we’ll go meet up with Fef and you’ll get your phone back and then you can text your family.”

He felt nauseous. “I don’t want to.”

She paused, sent him a look. “Like, for real or, are you just nervous they’ll be pissed.”

He shrugged.

She sighed. “Well, you gotta let them know we didn’t kill you so.”

That was a good point. “Okay, true.”

“And I’m sure they won’t be pissed,” she was taking out cereal boxes. “Like, they’ll be so relieved they won’t be able to feel anything else for another ten hours.” She shrugged. “Reese’s puffs ok?”

“I’m allergic to peanuts,” he said.

“Oh.” She hastily put the box away.

“Are you speaking from personal experience?”

“Hm?” She was still busy with possible breakfast food.

“Roxy, stop deflecting.”

She turned around, scowled. “That’s a big word.”

“Yeah, learned it from Rose.”

She laughed, rolled her eyes. “What from personal experience?”

“The relief thing.”

“Oh.” Her shoulders slumped. “Well. Yeah.”

He bit his lip. “I’m really sorry.”

“Not your fault,” she said. “Plus, you helped us out, so.”

“Yeah, but—”

“I’m really tired, John.” She looked tired. “Can we, like. Pretend. For a sec. Everything’s not going to shit?”

He let out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. “Okay.”

She smiled. “Let’s go get some coffee.”

“Sure.”

“I’ll even let you pay this time.”

“Wow, that’s generous.”

__

EB: hey. 

GG: john??

EB: that’s me.

GG: umm i find it hard to believe :/

EB: it’s really me, jade.

EB: look i’m sorry i ran.

GG: where are you now?

EB: thank you for giving my assumed impersonator the opening for a trap, real subtle.

GG: a girl’s trying.

GG: if you’re really john…

EB: jaaaaaaaade.

GG: come home? please?

GG: you know where it is.

EB: (demony voice asking for the address just to make double sure huehuehue.)

EB: but, uh.

EB: i don’t know if i want to ??

GG: john.

EB: i’m eighteen!

GG: so??

EB: i don’t need to report back to you!

GG: john, your dad didn’t kill your mum!

EB: how do you know that? How can you be sure?

EB: did you know she was gay? i didn’t!! apparently she was!

EB: don’t know how true that is but that sure is a piece of information i am being presented!

EB: sure is something dad couldn’t deny!

EB: and this whole mess is too much and i sort of don’t want to be mid it right now!!

GG: i told you to say no to the business.

EB: would that make my mum any aliver?? or straighter??

EB: not that the second one is a problem but. 

EB: fuck !!

GG: i know.

GG: and i don’t know what to believe either but please come back.

EB: :/

GG: i can’t do this alone!

EB: :/

EB: okay.

GG: really?

EB: yeah, sure.

EB: give me twenty minutes. 

__

tg: not even giving ur poor mother a kiss goodbye b4 u ditch hmm

TT: Apologies.

TT: Mother?

tg: it’s ms Mom for you, young lady.

TT: My, how…

TT: You know what, nevermind.

tg: what, deciding oedipus jokes r getting old?

TT: Jot this down as character development.

TT: Anyhow. 

TT: Dave wasn’t feeling well, so I took him home.

TT: Though he’d prefer to starve to death in his own room’s sanctuary.

tg: ://

TT: Maybe he’ll even stop being infuriating and phone Sollux.

tg: yea hear ne’s not feeling super well either dont think nell be up for that

tg: no pun intended

TT: Oh my.

TT: That might be an actual issue.

tg: ye i feel like an ass too for pushing

tg: maybe bringing him near karkat was a smart move

TT: Now, what are you implying?

TT: Mother.

tg: u stole my joke and made it all icky

TT: Are you proud.

tg: imenensly 

TT: <3

tg: but ye he’s not really in a bar hitting state rn

TT: Thank god.

tg: ok what was that

tg: why thank god

TT: Dave and bars is a Terrible combination

tg: um sweetie elaborate pls

TT: Oh, just.

TT: Let’s say he takes after you?

tg: ouch

tg: harsh but point gotten

tg: shit rose if he dies from this itll be the dumbest death ever

__

TT: How’s Sollux doing?

AA: still too weak to feed dave, sorry!

TT: Damn it.

TT: But bless you for the brusque deliverance.

AA: Not a problem.

__

**nonconspicuous groupchat**

TA: tfw ur dicks broken and dave dies

CC: don’t joke about that 8/

tt: ?

tg: oh man he’ll kill u all

tt: What’s going on?

TT: Dave’s healing process is painfully slow, due to him not having fed in a while.

TA: and im too dead to put out

tt: I see.

tt: Isn’t his newest boytoy staying with you? 

tt: Now that I’m back home they’re even roommates. The set up literally doesn’t get any better. 

GA: Overlooking The Fact You Seem To Have Planned This Out Strategically,

GA: I Know You Know His Name.

GA: Please Use His Actual Name.

TA: hahahah holy shit

tt: Why, sorry.

tt: @Vantas.

tt: Fuck my brother already.

TT: Sigh.

tg: teh deepest

__

TA: ok gonna need u to back off 

tt: We’re all thinking it.

TA: uh we’re not

TA: we’re literally not no one is fucking thinking it

TA: whens the last time you got laid cause you really look like you need it

__

GA: Leave Karkat Alone.

tt:[leave karkat alone](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVQOLX1wDAc)

GA: How Jocular!

GA: (I Am Serious)

tt: Gotcha.

GA: I Sure Hope So.

__

tg: sorry bout my brother

tg: this is roxy btw !!

CG: oh, hey.

CG: which brother?

tg: um

tg: r u being funny or did you not read the groupchat yet

CG: holy fuck what happened now.

CG: 

CG: ah.

tg: yea like

tg: dirk’s

tg: dirk

tg: anyways! 

CG: is he really going to die?

tg: no!! no

tg: he wouldn’t do that

tg: i think

tg: anyways u dont need to sex him up to save his life or anything like that please please please dont feel pressured to

tg: id have to kick dirks butt then and id still feel super guilty

CG: haha, okay.

CG: i feel really awkward now.

tg: saame

tg: lets both say our goodbays and leave.

CG: yes, please.

CG: um. have a good day.

tg: u too!!

__

tg: when will i stop having to do ur damage control

tt: Har-har.

tg: ikr im hilarious

tg: also how come ur back

tt: I live there.

tg: didn’t seem to think so last nite

tt: You’ve known me for years, Roxy,

tg: yea like all the years ive been alive

tt: We both know that’s far from the most dramatic thing I’ve done.

tg: no no agreed on that

tg: its just funny how this is the first time u spent longer than like three h outside the apartment and even then u come back ridiculously early

tg: is sth goin on?

tt: You’re being paranoid.

tg: lmao whatever u say

__

Karkat knocked on Dave’s doors, all second thoughts and apprehension drowned in the determined stubbornness pooling in the pit of his stomach. 

He could do this. He’d do this.

“Dude, you coming in or what?”

He realized he’d been standing there for a while— Dave must’ve answered, fuck if he knew. He pushed the doors opened, reminded himself to breathe.

Dave was sprawled out across his bed, bright red pyjama bottoms rolled up mid-calf. His shirt had ketchup stains on it. His bare wrists still looked painful.

Karkat swallowed. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Dave sat up, frowned. His shades were neatly folded on the nightstand; the bags under his eyes rivaled Karkat’s own. “You know you can, like, just walk in? Okay, maybe with a heads-up because god knows I’m a teenager with needs but—”

“Dave.”

Dave gave him a lopsided, almost sheepish grin. “It’s your room now, too. Kind of.”

Karkat shrugged.

“Unless you miss the couch that much.”

“It did have its merits.” Karkat walked over, threw himself onto the bed face-first. “I’m bored.”

“Yeah, we really need to work on building in an entertainment system.” Dave poked him with a foot. “And here I was, thinking you were visiting my deathbed for the goodness of your heart.”

“You’re not dying, shut the fuck up.”

“You don’t know that.” Dave poked him again. “I didn’t eat in like, days.”

“You just ate half a loaf of dry bread, forty minutes ago,” Karkat said. “That was eating. And really disgusting.”

“First of all, white bread is the shit—”

“Jesus christ.”

“Second of all.” Dave’s face went a shade darker. Karkat’s stomach did a flip. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“What, does white bread not come with a complimentary orgasm?”

“It does put a strain on our relationship but we’re working on it,” Dave deadpanned.

Karkat snorted.

“You think this is funny?”

“No, no, I wish you two the best.” Karkat rolled over, looked up at Dave. “Me and my actual condiments-containing diet will be here in the corner, successfully getting each other off.”

“Who knew asexuals wanted to fuck sriracha all along.”

“Hey, internet called it way back in 2005.”

Dave snorted. “I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“You think I’d lie?” Karkat pushed himself up on his elbows. “About the internet?”

“Fuck, man, didn’t mean that.” 

Karkat laughed again, plopped back down. 

“Did internet even exist in 2005?”

“Now that’s an existential question.” Dave had hooked a leg over Karkat’s— Karkat pretended not to notice. “Does internet even exist when you’re not torrenting porn?”

“Who the fuck torrents porn.”

“I don’t know, I bet someone does.” Karkat sat up, rested his chin on Dave’s knee. “Seriously though, you okay?”

Their faces were kind of close. Dave was still blushing. “Uh, yeah. Why?”

Karkat raised an eyebrow.

Dave looked away. “Okay, dumb question.”

“At least you’re self-aware.”

A smile. Karkat’s stomach did another flip.

“But really, are you taking care of yourself?”

Dave laughed, looking away. “Are you asking if I jerk off—”

Karkat punched him in the ribs. Dave’s laugh turned into a wheeze.

“Why are you so worried all of the sudden?” He recovered, wiggled his eyebrows. “Did my near death experience cause an epiphany on how much you’d miss me or—?”

Karkat did his best impression of an unimpressed face. “You’re a mistake of nature.”

Dave blew him a kiss.

“But really—”

“That’s, like, the third time you started a sentence that way.” Dave’s face was close enough for Karkat to make out the freckles on the side of his nose. 

“Shut up.” He shoved at him. “Both Dirk and Roxy went straight into recuperating and Rose and Kanaya fucked off into places unknown—”

Dave made a face. “Dude, that’s my sister.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“But you implied—”

“I didn’t imply shit!”

Dave laughed. 

Karkat shoved at him again. “Bottom line, you’re the only one not feeding and—”

“ _Dude_.” Dave shoved his face into his hands, groaned. “Is this a sex intervention.”

“It’s not a sex intervention.”

“This is like a reverse anti-masturbation camp.”

“Is that even a fucking thing— uncover your face, holy shit.”

Dave peeked through his fingers. 

Karkat sighed. “Thank you.”

“Any time.” Dave sat up. “And, like, I’m not starved yet so….”

“But you’re not healing!”

“It’s just a flesh wound, chill.”

“I won’t _chill_ , you’re denying yourself proper care!”

“Sollux needs time to rest, okay?” Dave’s face was even redder. “Ne’ll drop by when ne feels like it, I won’t die in the next two days.”

Karkat’s stomach was doing somersaults. He cleared his throats. “If…”

Dave raised an eyebrow.

“If there was a way for me to help…”

“Are you—” Dave paused, swallowed. 

Karkat couldn’t meet his eyes.

“Holy shit, are you offering— shit, you are.”

Now Karkat’s face was flushing. “It’s a stupid idea, forget it.”

“Yeah, holy shit.”

Okay, _ouch._ “Oh, fuck you!”

“Not like that, hey, I’m flattered as hell.” Dave reached over, stopped Karkat from storming away. “But you don’t like sex and I sure as fuck am not about to make you do something you aren’t one hundred percent into.”

Karkat felt like he’d be sick. He made himself look up, met Dave’s eyes. 

“Thanks for offering, though.” Dave’s face was still flushed, smile shy. 

Oh, fuck it. “I want it.”

Dave’s eyes widened.

“Like— oh, fuck it.” _This would be a really good point for someone to interrupt, at the universe, if you’re listening—_

Dave licked his lips. “Dude?”

Karkat leaned in, glanced upwards to check with Dave. He wasn’t stopped, pushed away.

“Uh,” an inch closer. Dave’s eyes locked on his lips. “Can I…”

The question mark hung in the air. Dave’s eyes fluttered closed; his breath was hot on Karkat’s face.

Okay. _Okay._

He closed his eyes, moved the final inch. 

A palm dug into his shoulder; the warmth was gone.

“Fuck, okay, stop.”

Karkat opened his eyes, pulled away. “Shit.”

“We can’t do this.”

“Okay.” He was going to cry, and he wasn’t even sure why.

“You don’t want this.”

_Just go, just leave._ “Yeah, because who would know that better than you.”

Dave didn’t seem to be listening. “You don’t do sex.”

“I don’t experience sexual attraction, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do the fucking deed.” He was getting angry now. Good. Angry was good. “And I think I’m old enough to make the damn decision for myself, thank you very much!”

“Okay, but you’re not _into_ it.” Dave wasn’t meeting his eyes. “And I’m not going to do it if you’re not going to be into it—”

“How bad do you need to be in bed to be certain I’d hate it that much?”

“God, it’s not the fucking same—”

“I think it’s safe to assume I know better what I want and don’t want,” Karkat spat out. “If I weren’t okay with sex I wouldn’t be offering, you giant asshole!”

“You shouldn’t have to force—”

“I’m not forcing myself, holy _shit_ , how would that even work—”

Dave finally looked at him; his eyes were glossy. Karkat froze, stopped, pulled back.

“Fuck,” Dave wiped at his face, laughed. “Uh. This is embarrassing.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” His face was back in his hands, facing downwards. “Shit. Can you, uh.”

This was so fucking weird. “Leave?”

“That, yeah.” Dave laughed again. “Wow, betcha didn’t see this one coming.”

“I mean, this isn’t the first breakdown I’ve seen.” Why wasn’t he leaving. “And with what you’ve been through lately, figures you’d have some pent up issues.”

Dave wheeze-laughed.

“Uh.” Go, go, fucking hell. “You need something?”

“Just leave, Jesus.”

Karkat bristled. “Fucking fine.”

He slammed the doors on his way out. Felt guilty immediately afterwards.

—

TG: tfw you go message ur best pal and then remember she tried to shoot you

TG: who is going to guide me through my sexuality crises now

TG: its really funny bc like i never really came out to her or straight out mentioned anything but she never called out my obvious slips and that helped somehow 

TG: i mean i grew up with dirk and rose as gaymeisters and roxy with all her pan puns so being into dudes and chicks and variations wasnt ever a problem with me but

TG: im a sex demon

TG: thats the official title

CG: what are you saying.

TG: like a sex demon not caring about the gender of the person hes feeding off is one thing you know one widely accepted thing like i dont remember ever having a straight friend i grew up on rent soundtrack im what the conservative propaganda is scared of but

TG: im a sex demon

CG: isn’t that, like, a slur.

TG: yeah and im reclaiming it do you have a problem 

CG: none whatsoever.

TG: can i go on

CG: i’m not stopping you.

TG: right so

TG: hahha nvm actually 

TG: i watched this documentary on animal homosexuality once and this group of scientist legit spent five minutes kinkshaming an octopus for being a size queen

CG: dave.

TG: glasses on ‘this white male is trying to have sex with an octopus four times his size’ like same my man same

TG: the little dude was topping too animal kingdom is KINKY god makes no mistakes

TG: shit i think they were different species imineo straight up gave us xeno size difference m/m porn thats what i call a mvp

CG: dave.

TG: and the next shot opens with wasps facefucking in this weird power dynamic threesome 

CG: do you have something you want to tell me or can i go back to ignoring you?

TG: i dont like sex

CG: i

CG: what??

TG: okay didnt really think id need to explain it but when mommy and daddy really love each other i like no part of it

CG: weird semi-incestuous metaphor aside, are you

CG: are you trying to tell me you don’t enjoy sex?

TG: yeah okay i dont feel like enough of a freak please act as bewildered as you can

TG: my fragile self-sabotaging succubus heart will handle it i guess

CG: hey, hey, it’s not weird, fuck off with twisting my words, you insecure son of a fuck.

CG: also aren’t succubi female?

TG: this isnt fanfiction.net nobody cares

TG: also nice digression opening

CG: i’m leaving you a way out.

TG: oh screw the gay wasp dudes youre the real mvp

CG: you don’t like sex?

TG: that sure is what i said

TG: keep repeating it maybe it becomes less stupid

CG: it’s not stupid, sex is just disappointing.

TG: maybe you just didnt fuck the right person yet

TG: HAHA sorry just had to say that

CG: i’ll lock you in, watch me.

TG: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

CG: okay but the first time we met you and sollux went at it for like five consecutive hours.

CG: why?

CG: like i could accept your downright nymphomaniac tendencies under the assumption that you were getting something out of it but if you weren’t, then why?

TG: i was getting something out of it did you forget i literally need it to survive

CG: there are other ways for you to feed, aren’t there?

TG: yeah but

TG: plus its only bad if im sober and bro was i not sober that night

CG: you were drunk??

TG: high

CG: you smoke?

TG: only occasionally you can chill

TG: you prude

CG: you know what,

CG: wait.

CG: bad?

CG: is it bad for you? normally?

TG: dont make this weird

CG: dave.

TG: im serious dont

CG: you don’t need to keep doing it if you’re not into 

CG: oh god, i’m an asshole.

CG: i didn’t mean the ‘you can’t force yourself’ thing like that.

TG: no see youre making it weird now stop

CG: okay, yeah.

CG: sorry.

TG: shut UP.

CG: okay.

TG:

TG: no fuck that noise im not

TG: i dont need you to commiserate with me or whatever the fuck 

TG: like yeah okay maybe i went so some dodgy places when i was younger but not many clubs will let an obvious minor in and yeah maybe i was a little too cocky

TG: got manhadled a couple of times maybe yeah

TG: maybe sex freaks me out now who the fuck knows who the fuck cares

CG: i care.

TG: im not

TG: its not like that

CG: it’s okay.

TG: i know its okay

TG: fuck !!

“Dave?”

TG: no were not talking not about this not ever shut

TG: up

CG: yeah, okay, good, but.

CG: can you hear me breathe?

TG:

TG: kinda

TG: are you outside my door

CG: yeah, and i look really stupid so you better appreciate.

TG: hahah fuck im moved

CG: is that working?

TG: yeah

TG: thanks

CG: i feel like this is the moment where someone walks in.

TG: hahaha shit yeah

TG: kanaya would just walk past you

CG: she wouldn’t even blink.

CG: “karkat doing breathing exercises in the corridor? Just like school times!”

TG: wait you went to the same school

TG: thats not right she went to my high school

CG: high school, yeah.

CG: we were in the same grade years 4-9.

TG: aww

TG: did she ever have that awkward looking phase

CG: no

CG: ok she was kinda gangly when we first met but

TG: who wasnt

CG: i wasn’t.

CG: i was a chubby kid.

TG: shit 

TG: tell me there are pictures

CG: there are none.

TG: oh my god kanaya has some doesnt she

CG: they were all ruined in a fire.

TG: this is the best day of my life

CG: it was a tragedy.

CG: ok no you know what i was fucking cute.

CG: i was every teacher’s pet.

TG: bet you were

CG: hey, dave?

CG: this is probably incredibly invasive but.

CG: you and clubs. 

TG: are you going to ask how old i was

CG: ...maybe

TG: none of your fucking business

CG: that’s fair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> summers going good so far i matched with a walrus on tinder


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter includes: suffocating romantic tension, multiple mental breakdowns, vriska(vriska) and a haircut — not necessarily in that order.

The girl looked to be around eight, nine years old—she beamed at Roxy as the latter tipped, handed John his glass of lemonade. They walked away from the handmade stand, a small smile on John’s face.

“You gotta support the local businesses,” Roxy explained.

“Mhm.”

“This lemonade is packed with sugar,” she added, mused on it. “She’s going far in life.”

John was just about to make a comment about a sugar rush she was sure to have, paused. “Hey, can you get a sugar rush?”

Roxy squinted at the glass in her hands, lips a thin line. “One way to find out.”

He laughed.

“Nah, we can.” She slowed down her step, watched a murder of crows peck around. “If we catch one of those, think Dave’ll forgive me?”

“What—Dave isn’t even mad at you, don’t—”

She laughed. 

John scowled. “Hey!”

“You’re too easy,” she nudged him. “But yeah, we can get sugar rushes and drunk and high and all those fun stuff.” She shrugged. “Medication doesn’t work on us, though. Dunno what the deal with that is.”

“Hm.”

“It’s possible that like, drugs and stuff affect us differently than they do you guys.” The crows watched them walk past. “We wouldn’t know.”

“I think drugs affect different humans differently too?” He’d never even taken a pain killer. Why was he still talking.

“That’s true!”

She left him a street away from his house, told him to text her how it went. They stood facing each other for an awkward moment before she gave him a brief hug; his hands shook as he made the final voyage, phone in hand.

He didn’t have the slightest idea what to expect. 

Jade was waiting on the front porch; she jumped to her feet the moment she saw him coming, enveloped him in a bear hug.

“John, holy fickle.” She whispered. “I was so scared.”

“Fickle?”

“I don’t know.” She hugged him tighter, pushed away. “Where were you?”

He scratched the back of his neck. “Uh.”

“Jake told me Dirk had your phone but—”

“Wait, what?” John fished out the phone from the front of his pants, scrolled through the recent messages.

 _Oh boy._ Jake would be so angry.

“I left it with Feferi,” he rushed to explain. “Uh, she’s—”

“I know who she is.” The look that crossed Jade’s face effectively made John not want to push. “So, you didn’t see Dirk?”

“No,” thank god. 

“Who...did you see?”

He chewed on his lip, looked around. Jade took the hint.

“My room?”

“Is dad home?”

She nodded, tense. “We’ll just let him know you’re here.”

“Won’t he be…”

Jade shook her head. “He knows he messed up.”

John bit his lip.

“Um, we overheard...Jake told us,” she paused for breath, swore. “About your mum—”

“Not now,” he snapped. 

Jade bit her lip. “Okay.”

“Seriously?”

She nodded. 

“Okay.” He smiled, exhaled. “So.”

“So.”

“Your room?”

“You know the way.”

__

GG: johns home!! johns home and hes ok!!

gg: Thank God.

gt: Sweet jesus that’s a relief.

gt: What’s he saying?

gt: ??? jade?

gg: I don’t think she’ll answer you.

gt: Appears so.

–

Jane was so busy looking at the screen, she didn’t notice the person walking her way until it was too late. They knocked into each other full-force; Jane stumbled back, caught her balance.

“I am so sorry!” she breathed, reached out to steady the stranger;

The stranger wasn’t in a need of steadying.

“Oh,” she said.

Roxy Lalonde stared back, obviously surprised. “John got back safe!”

Jane nodded. “So I’ve heard.”

“So,” Roxy took a step back. “I’ll go.”

“Wait,” Jane reached out, grabbed her forearm. Roxy flinched. “What did you tell him?”

“Nothing!”

“Roxy.”

“I’m not lying, for reals.” She tried to wiggle out; Jane realized, belatedly, that this probably meant she was too drained to disappear again. “I mean, Dave let the Daisy thing slip but honestly he was really fucked up and it was totes your fault, both for fucking him up and for lying in the first place.”

Jane scowled. “We didn’t lie.”

“Uh, sure.” Roxy pressed her lips in a thin line.

“James didn’t kill Daisy.”

“Whatevs you say.”

“Roxy!”

“ _What do you want from me?_ ” Roxy exploded. “I got you your adolescent home safe and sound an’ I’m sorry Dirk was an ass but you kinda deserved it and —”

“God, stop talking!”

Roxy did. Her lower lip seemed to be trembling.

“Why do you think James killed his wife?”

“Because she left him?” Roxy looked like she was about to cry. “I don’t know. Why would anyone kill?”

Jane frowned. “Was that jab supposed to be subtle?”

“No!” A tear slid down Roxy’s cheek. God damn it. “I don’t do that, I don’t do the weird passive aggressive mortal enemy biz, I didn’t ask for your family to go weird on mine—”

“Hey now—”

“Didn’t ask for Cal to be such an ass _yes I know he pulled a lot of shit I know he did bad things_ —” she paused for breath. “You should have left me to die.”

Oh. “What?”

“Never mind.” She was taller than Jane now and very obviously an adult, but the fourteen year old girl from the club still showed in Jane’s vision. “I’m dumb.”

 _I should kill you_ , died on Jane’s throat. “You’re stronger than us.”

Roxy blinked through the tears. “Wha?”

“We get weaker with age, you just keep _evolving_ ,” Jane pushed. “The older you are the less of a chance we stand.”

Roxy was still watching, no longer confused.

“And— and you do bad things, a lot of you do bad things!”

Roxy opened her mouth to speak.

“As does our kind, I know, I know.” She felt like crying too. “But there are laws in place for humans!”

“You can jail us too.” Roxy sounded like she couldn’t even convince herself.

“How?” Jane laughed. “You can teleport.”

Roxy bit her lip. “Point.”

“My parents were _good_ , and they couldn’t even touch Dirk’s father,” Jane said, noted how Roxy appeared to cringe at the mention of the man. “Most of the time we need a four-on-one ratio to take an adult out.”

“So you go after weaker ones.”

“Because they’re not weak for long!” Jane hated how desperate she sounded. “I’m so sorry about Dave but, christ, Arianna Strider was untouchable and we had demons run into our arms to hide from your father and if he got half of their genes, come twenty years he’ll be unstoppable.”

Roxy was avoiding her eyes.

“You are beyond detection already, Rose is the same as Dave if not _worse_ —she turned someone when she was fourteen, after all and—”

“How do you know about that?” Roxy’s eyes were wide, stance straighter.

Jane ignored her. “Dirk had been sixteen and wounded and still outran Jake!”

“So we’re threats,” Roxy concluded. “We’re potentially stronger than you and that’s enough of a reason to hunt us down?”

“You’re potentially stronger than us and _we killed your parents!_ ”

Roxy flinched. Jane had to admit, she hadn’t planned to be that blatant.

“Oh.”

Jane looked away, pressed a palm to her face. “I’ll pretend I didn’t see you. Go.”

“We’d never try to get revenge,” Roxy whispered. “Not like that.”

“Not even Dirk?”

“He’s just hurt, playing tough.” Roxy placed a tentative hand on Jane’s. “He couldn’t kill.”

“He went after Jake.”

Roxy grimaced. “He still couldn’t.”

“You seem convinced.”

“I know him,” she shrugged. “His ego never recovered from his first crush trying to shoot him, ‘kay?”

Jane raised an eyebrow. “First?”

“First legit one.” Roxy snorted. “Like, ye, he was dee-tee-eff with plenty but — wow, I should not be telling you this.”

Jane laughed. She was emotionally exhausted. “I think James will live without _that_ vital information.”

“So James is like, your boss or something?”

“Roxy,” Jane warned.

“Yup, okay!” Roxy pulled back, turned on her heel. Turned around once, smiled at Jane.

__

tg: thanks

gg: Don’t mention it.

gg: As in, legitimately, please do not.

__

AG: Sooooooo, I hear Gamzee’s in jail.

CG: vriska??

AG: Missed me?

CG: fuck no.

CG: it’s half past midnight, what the *hell* do you want??

AG: just some light-hearted gossip, relaaaaaaaax!

AG: So. Gamzee. hmmmmmmmm.

CG: he was held overnight and released on bail, shut the fuck up.

AG: Well there are charges being pressed against him so it’s only a matter of tiiiiiiiime.

CG: wait, what?! seriously??

AG: No hahahahahahah but can you IMAGINE.

AG: Really, now, first time you reach out to him in months and he gets arrested? I see college’s treating you well, Vantas.

CG: okay, fuck YOU.

CG: it’s not my fault.

AG: tavros says you said he owed you a favour.

AG: tavros says you made him do it.

AG: sounds like your fault to me!

CG: why the fuck are you still talking to tavros.

AG: I know, I know, what a snitch.

CG: he’s fucking terrified of you, you self-centred cunt.

AG: And Gamzee is terrified of you, apparently!

AG: I don’t know why, though. All he did was fuck your girlfriend.

AG: I did that way more times and you’re yet to touch me. ;D

CG: and i never will, christ, the further away from your smugfucked visage i am the better.

AG: You’re making this so easy for me. Wasn’t even planning on bringing up how you touched him but you make it so eaaaaaaaasy.

AG: Tavros says he talks about it when he’s really fucked up. Says he cries sometimes.

CG: fuck you.

AC: Thought you weren’t into that.

AC: Then again, you rarely did put your mouth where that money was!

AC: Oral imagery fully intentional. You know he blames himself? Thinks he forced you or some shit.

CG: is there a point to this conversation or can i block your IP address already??

AG: Jeez, someone’s on his period.

CG: i’m counting to ten.

AG: Okay, okay, christ!

AG: Just wanted to make sure you know this blasting from the past schtick you’re into right now isn’t going to include Terezi.

AG: Seriously, if you as much as breathe in her vague direction I will *know*. I will know and I will END you.

CG: almost thought you were going to pull an overdramatic villain-y line there, thank god you proved me wrong.

AG: eeeeeeend you.

CG: i’m not tavros, asshole. can’t make me do your bidding with a few way placed jabs.

AG: I’m not fucking around, asshole no.2

AG: She’s been clean for two months and the last thing she needs is for you to ruin it.

AG: Stay. Away. :))))))))

CG: what the fuck, wait.

CG: clean from what?

AG: You’re such a good friend, awwwwwwww.

CG: fuck off, is she okay??

AG: She’s getting there. Not thanks to you!

CG: not thanks to you either!!

AG: You’re really full of shit for someone who dumped his ex straight into his venomous fucktoys arms and then never spoke to either again.

AG: But you’re right about that. This is all her.

AG: She was always too good for you.

CG: like i don’t fucking know that??

CG: she’s too good for this world, okay, i’m aware.

CG: but you are not pinning whatever the hell happened on me!

AG: I sure am!

CG: what the hell did he do to her??

AG: What didn’t he!!!!!

AG: You left them both believing they’re scum of the earth and they dealt with it the only way Gamzee knows how.

CG: no.

AG: Uhh, yes????????

AG: Gamzee nearly overdosed.

CG: what??

AG: That’s the only reason I didn’t kill him, honestly.

AG: He was hitting her, you know?

AG: Apparently someone told her she deserved to die so she let it happen. God, who’d do that, right?

AG: Anyways, both are now getting their shit under control.

AG: You already fucked Gamzee’s up. Stay away from Rezi.

CG: okay.

CG: yeah, i’ll stay the fuck away.

AG Good! My job here is done!

AG: See you never, Vantas.

CG: it’ll still be too soon.

__

Karkat put the phone down, the tears blurring his vision making any words indistinguishable. “Good.”

 _No, not good. Face your mistakes, asshole._ He wiped at his eyes, sniffed. Felt pathetic. Felt angry with himself for feeling pathetic. _You fucked people over, you don’t get to feel bad for yourself._

Dave was asleep, half a room away; he was curled around a pillow, the thin comforter he’d initially pulled up to his chin now tangled around his legs. Karkat looked away, felt shame and guilt burning in the pit of his stomach. Biting down on his lip, he snuck out of the room.

Kanaya and Rose seemed to be asleep as well; he sat down on the kitchen floor, a glass of water in his hand. Forced himself to breathe.

“Are you alright?”

Alright, so maybe Rose wasn’t asleep. Biting down harder, Karkat nodded.

“Well, that’s a lie, but alright.” She walked over; Karkat nearly jumped when she knelt down next to him.

She placed a packet of tissues down at his side, smiled. Without the dark make-up, she actually looked — no, she still looked scary as fuck, alright. She had no eyebrows, though. Karkat decided to focus on that.

“Will you be okay?”

Karkat nodded.

“If you need anything,” she got up. “Just knock on our doors. Kanaya’ll already be unhappy enough about me not waking her up.”

“Don’t tell her,” came out of his mouth before he could even fully form the thought. “Please.”

Her eyes were unreadable; almost glowing in the semi-darkness. “Alright.”

A beat of silence. He swallowed, nodded. “Okay.”

She went to bed. Karkat finished off his glass of water, calmed down his breathing. His cheeks felt wet, salty.

He went back to the guest room. Dave was now facing the wall; he’d abandoned the pillow.

Karkat laid down, looked straight up. Refused to let himself look anywhere else. Refused to move. His head felt light, his shoulders tense; he could taste blood in his mouth. _There was no blood but he could taste it._

Closed his eyes. Deep breath.

He didn’t sleep a blink.

__

Roxy yawned into her hand, tucked her feet under Porrim’s thigh. Aradia, sat across the table, looked every ounce as tired; the bags under her eyes were heavier than Roxy could remember ever seeing them, her face unusually waxy.

“Hey,” Porrim seemed to have read her mind. “Are you alright?”

Aradia blinked. Her movements were slow, heavy.

Porrim bit her lip. “Guess that’s a pointless question.”

“I’m _fine_.” Aradia’s voice was coarse, unconvincing. “Just a bit tired.”

“We can tell.”

Aradia gave her a deadpan stare. “I’m taking care of Damara’s unfinished businesses, making sure all the contracts she’d made stay binding. That sort of thing.” She yawned. Without her usual lipstick, she looked way too young. “I might be onto something?”

Roxy and Porrim shared a quick look. “Oh?”

“Will need to see what you and Sollux dig up first, though.”

Porrim frowned, still looking at Roxy. “And what _are_ you two up too?”

“Hacking the FBI,” Aradia answered in her place.

Porrim’s eyes widened a smidge. “Oh!”

“We’re not,” Roxy snorted. “I mean, we’re hacking police sites and shit, ne’s just being super edgy and wants to go grand scale.” She rolled her eyes. “I mean, ne’ll probably do it too, but.”

Aradia nodded. “Won’t stop, can’t stop.”

Porrim was still watching her. “It’s good you two don’t have a friendly rivalry thing going on, isn’t it?”

Roxy mustered the most guilt-free smile. “Yep.”

Porrim laughed, sighed. “Don’t get caught.”

“Never.”

Something akin to smile ghosted over Aradia’s lip. Roxy counted it as a victory.

“If I may know,” Porrim reached for her mug of tea. “Why?” 

“Victim files,” Aradia supplied. “We need to know who went missing.”

“When we got that, we can try figuring out what she wants with them,” Roxy nodded. “I found no common links so far, but.”

Aradia sighed. 

Porrim looked between them. “Well, that’s a start.”

Aradia’s head was in her hands.

“Sweetie,” Porrim whispered.

Aradia didn’t move. “What.”

“You’re not okay.”

Aradia looked up again. Her eyes were _really_ tired.

Roxy looked away, up, left, down at her — no wristwatch, who cares.

“Think my break time is over,” she leaned over, pressed a kiss to Porrim’s cheek. “Gotta get back to work.”

“Take care,” Porrim squeezed her hand in response.

Roxy hugged Aradia before leaving; she felt cold in her hands. 

“It’ll be okay,” Roxy whispered. 

Aradia patted her back. Didn’t seem convinced.

__

Jake was watching him. 

John could feel his eyes on him; he wasn’t imagining things, he was _sure_. He refused to look up from his bowl of cereal, kept eating.

Jade was sat across the kitchen table; she hooked her ankle around John’s, sent him a small smile.

“Jake,” Jane greeted. “Want something?”

“Uh,” he seemed taken unprepared. John shot him a look out of the corner of his eyes, made a ‘hmph’ sound. “‘S there coffee?”

“Right there.” Jane pointed. Jake walked over to the counter, poured himself a cup.

John kept eating.

“This is terrible,” Jade whispered. John silently agreed.

Jake took a seat. He had a croissant with him. Started peeling off the layers.

Jane was still doing something in the kitchen. John doubted there even were that many things to do in the kitchen.

“Slept well?” Jade asked.

Jake nodded, maybe too enthusiastically. “Yes, how about you?”

“Good.”

“Good to hear!”

John wanted to die. Fall through the kitchen floor, into the lower strata of the earth, he didn’t know. Just not be here for a while. Forever worked too. 

Jake was still nodding. His mouth were, at least, full.

Jade sipped at her tea. Jake was still chewing. No one was meeting anyone’s eye.

“Oh, for god’s sake.” Jane’s voice made them all jump up. Jake looked mildly terrified. “We need to talk.”

“No!” “We don’t!” Jade and John voiced at the same time; looked at each other, shrugged.

“We do,” Jane sat down, her game face on. “John spent the night with the Strider-Lalonde family.”

John pulled a face. “You make it sound like we—”

Jake snapped in. “Well, did you?”

It took John a moment to find his words. “Jake, what the—”

“Hey, can’t be sure!” Jake was shouting. This was going well. “Didn’t think you’d ever room up with Dirk Strider either but, alas—”

“Jesus christ, Jake, Dirk wasn’t even there!” John was now shouting too. He lowered his voice, slumped. “Roxy asked me to leave my phone with their friend. I guess Dirk visited them, I don’t know.”

Jake leaned away, shoulders tense.

Jane’s eyes flew between them. “So…”

“He didn’t see Dirk,” Jade cut in. Her voice was unusually angry. “End of story.”

“Who did he see, then?” Jane was looking at him, John could feel it. “I know Roxy brought you back.”

Jade raised an eyebrow at that—right, he didn’t share that detail. Alright, avoiding everyone’s eyes it was. “Well, yeah.”

“‘Well, yeah’?” Jake mimicked. “Christ, John, what the hell is going on with you?”

John laughed, surprised. “With me? What’s going on with me?”

“John,” Jane warned.

“I was lied to about my mom’s death!” He exploded. “I don’t think I’m the one who owes anyone an explanation!”

“So, what, you’re getting the answers from _them_ now?!” Jake was basically at his feet at this point. “Does your father know?”

“How would I know what he knows?!” Welp, John was at his feet too. “How would I know _anything_?!” 

“John,” Jake’s voice was steel.

“Stop—don’t—don’t patronize me!” John pushed his chair away, made a move to leave. “You lied to me—to us both!”

Jade didn’t seem to be happy about getting included in this conversation. “Um.”

“You don’t get to say shit!” He was vaguely aware that he was screaming; didn’t care, at all. “I’m — I’m so _tired_!”

Jane was looking at him weird. “John, please calm down.”

He kicked the table; the cereal went flying. Jade was half-way up too; one hand outstretched towards him, the other keeping Jake still. 

He froze; his breath was heavy. 

“John,” Jane tried again.

“I’m so tired,” he repeated.

No one moved.

“I’m going to my room,” he announced. “Don’t come after me.”

“Okay,” Jade whispered. Jane was making Jake sit down.

He ran into his dad on the stairs; James tried to catch his eyes, but John stormed past.

Finally in his room, he pulled his phone out; opened the messaging app. Stared at Rose’s handle. Felt tears prick at the corner of his eyes.

_Fuck!!_

He pressed both palms onto his face, screamed; noise be damned, his family be damned. 

“No, no, no.” He wasn’t making sense, his brain wasn’t making sense. Breathing was hard.

He wanted Rose to talk to him, wanted one of Dave’s random rants to pop up on his phone screen; he missed those, shit, he missed them both. 

When he was thirteen his dad took him fishing; it was super boring and they caught a lot of plastic bags but when they got back to the hostel dad let him try his beer (it tasted really bad but also kind of manly), ordered take-out. They watched Ghostbusters, John could remember. He dared a question about his mum; his dad’s eyes got kind of shiny, like he was about to cry. John remembered thinking his parents must have loved each other a lot, remembered himself wishing for that kind of a thing — he was yet to feel that way about anyone, but he held onto hope —

He picked up his phone again. Rose had blocked him; he doubted Dave would answer.

He rolled over, pressed his face into the pillow. It was barely ten in the morning. He went back to sleep. 

__

Karkat tugged at a strand of his hair, scowled. It was getting long again, fringe near impairing his vision, and _god_ the ends.

 _He told her she deserved to die, why the fuck would he tell her that, what the fuck was he_ thinking _??_

Across the table, Dave looked up from his bowl of cereal. “You okay there, bro?”

“Yes,” Karkat snapped, dropped his hand. “Just thinking.”

Dave’s smirk was infuriating. “ _Allll_ right.”

“Do you know when Kanaya’s getting home?” Karkat refused to be provoked.

“Nah.”

Karkat slumped.

“Need her for something?”

“Kind of.”

“‘sit an emergency?”

Karkat shook his head 'no’. “I want to ask her to cut my hair.”

“Oh?”

Karkat glowered. “Oh _what_?”

“Why are you cutting your hair?”

“Because I have a sense of personal upkeep?” He snapped. “Are trims a foreign concept to your kind?”

Dave was laughing into his cereal. Karkat felt his own mouth stretch into a smile.

“So, you just need a trim?”

“That’s what I said,” Karkat leaned back. Dave was watching him; there was milk on his chin.

“I could give you a trim,” he offered.

Karkat blinked.

“For real,” Dave set his spoon down. “I cut my hair all the time.”

Karkat squinted at his conversation partner’s head; Dave’s hair was undeniably pretty, visibly soft, neat despite not having been combed yet. “Dunno.”

Dave pouted.

“Do you even know how to cut hair that isn’t your own?”

“Yeah, man.” Dave grinned. “I used to give a bunch of free haircuts. Dirk’s the only member of my family who didn’t let me cut his hair but that’s just his thing, thank god he can’t need a surgery cause he’d definitely demand to be the one to remove his own crevix-”

The conversation was interrupted by Rose walking into the kitchen. Dave’s smile immediately grew.

“Hey, Rose.” He jumped up in his chair. “Tell Karkat I’m good with scissors.”

Rose raised an eyebrow, coughed.

“Oh, fuck off, that wasn’t even suggestive.”

She shrugged, looked at Karkat. “Haircuts?”

“Yeah.” “Ye.”

Rose smiled. “He cut my hair too short one summer and then laughed at me.”

“One time!”

“He called me 'terf bangs’ for months.”

“It was funny!”

Rose laughed, rolled her eyes. “But, in the end, I suppose he’s not half bad with the, ah, scissors.”

“Thanks,” Dave replied dryly.

“Anything for you,” Rose grabbed a bag of almonds. “Brother.”

“Sister.”

“Kin.”

She walked out. Karkat looked back at Dave, incredulous.

“So,” Dave tried, a goofy grin on his face. “Offer’s on the table.”

Karkat watched him for another moment, then sighed. Nodded.

Dave thrust a fist into the air, breathed a _'hell yeah’_.

“Just for the record,” Karkat watched him, unable to keep the smile off his face. “If you give me terf bangs, I’ll kill you in your sleep.”

-–

“Dude, relax.”

Karkat forced himself to lean back a little, tense. “I’m relaxed.”

“Mhm.” Here Dave went again, being a dick without using words. “I won’t fuck up your hair, Rapunzel, you can breathe.”

His fingers were in Karkat’s hair, ghosting over Karkat’s scalp. He _couldn’t_ breathe. “That’s super fucking believable, thanks.”

“You know I gave Rose the bangs on purpose,” Dave continued combing out Karkat’s hair. Karkat was struggling not to lean into the touch. “She dyed my hair pink as payback. We spent the summer looking like a pair of aesthetic bloggers.” He laughed, ran a hand through Karkat’s fringe.

Karkat was going to _implode_.

“Okay, bringing the scissors out,” Dave warned. “Don’t panic.”

“Eat my ass.”

“Put the rim in trim, why not.” Dave hummed, digging around the shelf. “Any extra requests?”

“A different stylist?”

“I can put on a funny accent.”

“You have a funny accent.”

“Ow,” Dave laughed, working Karkat’s hair again. “Okay, here we go.”

“Jesus, just do it!”

A snip. Dave laughed.

“What are you laughing about.”

“Nothing, chill.” Another snip.

“I am chill!’ Snipping continued. Dave fingers were gently raking through his hair, down his neck.

Karkat was going to die. He was going to die and be buried with whatever kind of a cut Dave was currently giving him.

Cool fingers cupped his earlobe, ran down his neck. Karkat swallowed. This _had_ to be on purpose.

"Is this a bad time to tell you I once accidentally gave myself an undercut?”

Karkat laughed in surprise; Dave tugged at his hair playfully, resumed the task.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a vulpix showed up in my room while I was editing I'll take that as a good sign??
> 
> comments are much appreciated! i'll even try to be sober when replying this time 0:)


	12. Chapter 12

Roxy let herself into Aradia’s apartment, slipped off her shoes. There was faint lighting coming from the living room; Roxy didn’t need to guess to know what it was.

“Hey,” she whispered, peeked into the room.

Sollux looked up from nir laptop. Didn’t seem surprised to see her. “Look what Aradia let in.”

She blew nem a kiss. “What’s a girl got to do for an electric outlet?”

She took a seat on the floor, two pillows under her butt for max comfort. Sollux had a can of Mt Dew opened; she helped herself to it, smacked her lips loudly.

“Jesus,” ne muttered.

“Not yet there, but thanks.” 

Feferi got up for a before-work jog in the morning; frowned at the duo. “Did you two sleep _at all_?”

“A bit,” Roxy lied, smiled. “I love your shorts!”

They were bright pink, skin tight. Feferi tugged at them. “Thanks.”

Sollux was staring at her too; lack of sleep made nem forward-er. “Yeah, nice.”

Feferi raised an eyebrow. Roxy laughed.

“Did Aradia ever come back home?” she asked.

Feferi nodded. “She’s still asleep.”

“We’ll be quiet,” Sollux’ eyes were back on the screen.

Roxy went to bed noon-ish; she woke up to Sollux almost asleep, fingers still ghosting over the keyboard. Ne didn’t struggle when she laid nem all the way down, took the laptop away.

She found Aradia in the kitchen, making tea.

“Your qpp is knocked out,” she told her. Aradia nodded.

“Ne need it.”

“How’re you feeling?”

Aradia shrugged.

tg: im going to go crazy distri help

tg: everyone is so sad here

tt: Tragic.

tg: :(

tt: Not to be rude but what did you expect? Damara just died and you know what happened with Mituna.

tg: okk but theyre somehow worse than u and i dont even have our other siblings to keep me amused

tg: hows he by the way

tt: How would I know?

tg: idk go talk to him

tt: Right, already on that.

tt: Need any help going through the police files?

tg: siiiign

tg: im mailing u teh goods

tt: Looking forward to it. Thanks.

tg: **supersecretgvnmentstuffz.dox**

tt: <3 

__

Feferi looked way too happy to see him.

“Everything okay?” Karkat asked, taking a seat by the counter. Feferi sighed, slid an espresso his way; it was followed by a slice of pumpkin pie he did not remember ordering.

He voiced his confusion; Feferi just laughed.

“On the house!” she leaned in, beamed at him. “How are you?”

“Good,” he lied. He felt emotionally and physically exhausted. “You?”

“Same!” She was lying too; there were bags under her eyes, unusual tension in her shoulders.

He squinted. “Sollux feeding well?”

Her smile faltered. “No.”

“Well, good.” He stabbed a fork into the pie. “I’d be worried if ne were.”

Another smile from Feferi, this one more genuine.

“And Aradia?”

She looked away. “She’s bad.”

He paused. “Oh.”

“She’s really bad.” Her lower lip was trembling. “Karkat, I don’t know what to do.”

“Okay, relax,” he said, being the hypocrite he was. “She’s in mourning, it’s normal she’s not doing her very personal best.”

Feferi sniffled.

“Hey, no, fuck no.” He reached out, squeezed her hand. “What’s she doing? Not sleeping, not eating, what?”

“I don’t know! She’s never around.” Feferi clung onto his hand. “And, she’s always tired and so distant and she’s _not doing okay_.”

Well, that was shitty. “Feferi, listen to me.”

She looked up at him.

“Talk to her.”

Feferi was tapping her fingers on the counter. “That’s probubbably a good idea.”

“Yeah— wait, pro what?”

She snorted. “Probably, oops!”

“You’re weird.” He squeezed her hand again. “Is this pie any good?”

“It’s vegan.”

“A simple no would have sufficed.”

She made an offended face; laughed nonetheless. He grinned back, took a bite.

__

tg: dirk im fucked

tt: Good morning to you too.

tt: What’s going on?

tg: im being followed

tt: Jane or Jake?

tt: Both?

tg: both and neither

tt:

tt: What.

tg: idk who they are 

tg: just know theyre not human

tg: i need evac

tt: You have it.

tt: Turn your location on, I’ll be right there.  


__

gt: I can see you.

tg: omg same hearteyez

gt: Will you talk to me if i promise not to shoot?

tg: will u do it rly nicely

gt: Roxy, i have a gun.

tg: dude

gt: roxy

tg: DUDE

tg: look UP

gt: Why?

tg: r u doing it

gt: Yes.

gt: Who is that?

tg: so hes not w u

gt: Is this a bluff?

tg: r u a bluff?

gt: This is making very little sense.

tg: theres a man on the roof jake nothing makes sense

tg: ok tbh i live w dirk the only weird thing is that the man on the roof isnt him

tg: oh also three behind me two down the road one in the alley to ur right

gt: Do i want to know how you know where i am?

tg: demon mayyiks

gt: I checked with jane. your report is at least 40 percent truthful.

tg: wow that sure is a bunch of data u just pulled outta ur ass

tg: LOOK im 100% legit ok

tg: idek who these guys are but two of them arent human

gt: Demons?

tg: nop think again

gt: The turned? why?

tg: yep yep yep and hell if i kno

tg: all i know is im probs fucked

tg: u too

tg: all of us

tg: fucked

gt: What do they want? what *could* they want?

tg: does the name condescension mean anything to u

gt: Uh.

gt: Well, it’s a noun!

gt: yknow technically all names are proper nouns

gt: You are being difficult on purpose.

gt: Yes, i know of her. who doesn’t?

tg: uh

gt: What, you didn’t? seriously?

tg: im an orphan shrugz

tg: what kinda shit did she pull w nancy

gt: How do you know about that??

tg: hahah bingo

gt: Forget i said that.

tg: noo wait ok ok mutual show an tell

gt: I don’t think the term is applicable to this context!

tg: we knowwww that

tg: …

gt: Do you need a drumroll?

tg: idk id be cool w it

tg: ok now i really want one

gt: *drumroll*

tg: YEE tnx babe

tg: anywayz!! she helped cal take her out bc apparently beef was had??

tg: ur turn

gt: Wait, she did what?

tg: u heard me right

tg: well read my text i guess

tg: dirk says she wanted sth from nancy but nancy wasnt puttin out

tg: so

tg: ye

gt: Dirk says, huh.

tg: omggg jake were all boutta die can u let ur weird antagonisty thing drop

tg: one would think he was the one who shot u

gt: Just saying, he’s not usually this forthcoming with information.

gt: Or anything, to be frank.

tg: u didnt talk to him in years jeez

gt: Am i wrong?

tg: :/

tg: but 4real he didnt know id be telling u SO check n mate

tg: now tell me sth juicy

gt: Uh-oh, two gentlepersons behind you are sporting guns.

tg: ye no shit

tg: im trying to get us out of here arm up n stay put

gt: You are?

tg: ye like i dont wanna die n i dont think u want to either

tg: wheres jane

gt: This looks like a very apparent trap.

tg: nvm found her

__

tg: ok hypothetically

tt: If you’re about to ask me to get Jake out too, the answer is No.

tt: Well, Fuck No, actually, but why waste breath.

tg: omg u know me so well and please jane too

tt: I’m not playing around.

tg: neither am i !! distri

tt: Roxy, he tried to shoot me when I was fourteen.

tg: i know!!! I know im sorry but

tg: what if he dies

tt: You want me to teleport with a passanger three times?

tg: yes

tg: kinda

tg: soz

tg: can u?

tt: Not sure.

tt: God.

tt: Can’t believe I’m actually doing this.

tg: thank u thank u thank u!!!! <333333

tt: Try to reach Rose. Don’t know if I’ll be able to come back for you.

tg: kkkkkkkkkkkkkk ilu

tg: i owe u a big one

tt: No shit.

tt: You’re officially indebted for life.

__

tg: tick tock dude fess up on the condy deetz

gt: Nancy traced her down after condescension made a particularly flashy kill. failed, advised us against going back.

gt: that’s all i know. jane might have better intell.

tg: ok first of all that was useless as fuck

tg: secondly dirks boutta get u & if u touch him i WILL end u

tg: like

tg: end u profoundly

gt: Noted.

gt: And…thank you?

tg: thank me is right

__

True to his word, Dave didn’t fuck up his hair. Karkat raked his fingers through the fringe, now shorter than it’d been in a while, still a little tingly.

Right, so. He had a thing for Dave.

He thought he’d come to terms with it already, but apparently; he glanced over, took in Dave’s half-illuminates profile. _He had it bad._

They were watching the damn animal homosexuality documentary. They were on Dave’s bed, laptop balanced precariously on both of their thighs, shoulders just barely touching; wasps were face-fucking on the screen, what the fuck.

"That’s hardly safe, sane and consensual,” Dave mused. “See, the lady wasp was just in to get some vanilla wasp dick when the hormone stricken domsub versatile barges in, makes it into some ass-backwards human centipede re-enactment—”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Have you even seen the Human Centipede?”

“Like, even if the dude wasps are into it, she didn’t come here for that.” They watched as the female wasp left the shot. “Yeah, girl, get out.”

The camera panned in on the males. Karkat scowled. “This is weird.”

“I’m sorry my taste in porn offends, mister Human Centipede pro.” Dave’s head rolled over, light reflecting off the front teeth revealed by his half-smirk. “Do you like, have the Blue Ray version?”

“My exes shitty ex made us watch it,” Karkat bristled.

“Age old excuse.”

“Shut up,” Karkat was struggling not to smile. “My freaky porn is way more medically probable.”

Dave’s face grew serious.

“I was kidding,” Karkat added.

“The fact that you obviously thought about the medical technicalities of connecting three people ass-to-mouth aside,” Dave looked away; was he blushing? “You watch porn?”

Karkat’s cheeks felt hot too. “Do you?”

“I asked first.”

“Porn industry grosses me out a little,” Karkat said. Conveniently forgot to mention the racier paperbacks hidden under his bed. “You?”

Dave shrugged. “Sometimes.”

Karkat nodded. There were flies aggressively flirting on the screen.

“Ooh, medically enhanced homosexuals,” Dave sat up, jumping the subject like a pro. “That’s my second favourite part.”

“How many times did you watch this video?”

“Shut up, you’re missing the fly frottage.”

Dave’s phone went off mid-way into the homosexuality hormone explanation. He sighed, reached over.

“Who’s missing the fly frottage now?” The absurdity of the situation made Karkat bolder. “Should I pause?”

“Uh,” was all Dave said.

Karkat sat up, felt the mood switch. Dave’s eyebrows were drawn together, mouth a scowl. “What.”

Dave opened his mouth to speak, closed it. Wordlessly handed the phone over.

tg: sos pls

tg: dirk took the crockenglish homo n idk if hell be able to get back 4 me

tg: home* i s2g that wasnt intentional

tg: halp

Karkat looked back up at Dave’s. His eyes were wide in the semi-darkness.

“You still haven’t fed.” It was a question, a warning, a swear.

Dave nodded.

“Fuck,” Karkat whispered. Dave wheeze-laughed.

“It was funnier when I was killing just myself,” he said.

Karkat fought the urge to hit him over the head. “So you were!”

“What.”

“You were killing- no, you know what, nevermind.” Karkat slipped off the bed, out of the room.

“Wait, where are you going.” Dave hurried after him. “What are you doing. _Karkat._ ”

Karkat led way into the kitchen.“You need to feed.”

“Dude, what-”

He grabbed the large kitchen knife before he could think twice. Dave stopped him; predictably. His eyes were blown wide.

“Okay, what the fuck.”

“You need to feed,” Karkat repeated himself.

“So you decided to cut yourself open?” Dave was still holding both his wrists.“How’s that a good idea?”

Karkat tugged his hands free. “You weren’t going to do it otherwise.”

“Yeah, okay, but there are much safer way plus _we cut food with that knife please put it down thank you._ ”

Karkat set the knife away, looked back up at Dave sheepishly. “So.”

Dave’s face was red. “So.”

Karkat inhaled, clenched his jaw. “Either bite me or say you won’t so we can find someone you’re okay with so that no one from your family has to diow!”

Dave had bit his finger. The _Charlie bit my finger!_ video played in his head, and Karkat had to press the free hand over his mouth to stifle a giggle.

Dave’s tongue was hot and lapping down his- he went for the middle one, of course he did. Karkat laughed again, oddly fuzzy.

“Endorphines,” Dave pulled away to explain.

“Mhm.”

“It’ll go away in fifteen minutes.”

Karkat felt dizzy. “Jesus christ, stop procrastinating.”

A corner of Dave’s mouth tugget upwards. “Oral joke.”

He went for Karkat’s wrist this time; Karkat watched the teeth marks on his finger, the solitary puncture. His head felt light.

“I don’t think that’s how oral works,” he said. Dave rolled his eyes. “But hey, whatever works for you.”

Dave’s eyes were half-lidded. He pulled away, gasped. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Gotta cut it short now,” he wiped at his mouth. Karkat’s wrist was still bleeding.

“Are you,” fucking. “Full?”

Dave shook his head. “If I fed until I was full you’d be dead.” He got a clean kitchen cloth, pressed it to Karkat’s wrist. “Well, turned.” The bags under his eyes were already subsiding. “I’m, well. Better.”

Karkat watched him. “You sure?”

Dave laughed, nodded. “Eat something, sleep it off.”

There wasn’t a solitary chance of Karkat doing either of those and they both knew it. “You heading out?”

Dave nodded, unwrapped his own bandages. The wounds looked weeks old. He mouthed a _’nice’_.

“Hey,” Karkat stepped in. Dave’s mouth widened, caught his. “Stay safe.”

He wanted to kiss him. Remembered what happened the last time. Went into a hug instead.

“Stubborn asshole.”

Dave laughed into his hair. “Seriously, eat a thing.”

“You eat a thing,” Karkat grumbled back. “And by a thing I mean a soggy scrotum, you fucking dickface.”

Dave was still laughing; he pressed a kiss to the top of Karkat’s head.

“Can’t skip out on that kind of sweet talk,” he murmured.

Karkat pushed him away, flustered. “Jesus, just _go_.”

Go he did. Karkat stood in complete darkness for another moment, the only sound his own ragged breathing. His wrist was starting to smart.

_Alright._

The front doors opening broke him out of the reverie; he burst into the living room, making Kanaya nearly drop the grocery bags. “Do none of you know how to check your god damned phones??”

__

gt: Status report, as soon as possible, please.

gg: I’m home!! I’m in my room, Dirk left to get you, did he get you?

gg: Are you okay???

gt: I am!! he, not so much.

gt: Honestly, he hasn’t changed at all, still as stubborn as he was in peek adolescence.

gg: …alright?

gt: He is passed out in our basement, jane.

gg: Oh.

gg: Well. Fuck.

gt: Fuck is right!!

gt: Should i tell roxy? should i tell james?

gt: Should i tell them both and let their respective skillsets decide who gets the worm?

gg: That’s really tempting, not going to lie.

gt: Right??

gg: I’m coming down.

_–

Jade burst through the doors without knocking, out of breath. “I heard sounds! Is everything —”

She froze; stared, wide-eyed, at Dirk’s passed out form, Jake’s hand tucked under his head (he wasn’t about to let him hit it during the fall, jeez!).

“You know what,” she stepped back, out of the room. “How about I didn’t see anything?”

“Jade—”

She was already gone. Jake swore, set Dirk’s head down.

–_

tg: alright wheres my brother

tg: u have five minutes b4 our younger sibz are on ur ASSEZ

tg: itll get super ugly im not horsing around

gg: He fell unconscious.

tg: oh

gg: Is that normal?

tg: for him? ye

tg: he pushed himself too far with the single-handedly saving us all scene

tg: the dick

tg: are u,,letting me come get him

gg: How about.

gg: We meet half way.

tg: uh how about u give me my sibling back

gg: We just want to talk.

tg: not in a compromising mood alrite

tg: dave n rose on their way

gg: Roxy, we’re lowkey trying to keep your brother’s location a secret from Jake’s father, currently residing two floors up! 

tg: oh

tg: are u now

tg: thats not v convincing ngl

gg: Roxy, I am not kidding, if your siblings show up here he’ll know and then we’ll all get in trouble for trying to keep it a secret!!

tg: (location)

tg: can u get him there in under fifteen min

gg: We can try.

tg: y/n question tho

gg: We’ll be there.

gg: All of us. Hope that was clear. Hoo. 

tg: holy shit is this the big face-off

tg: two of us are almost dead not fair

gg: This is not an upcoming Marvel movie, no fighting is about to go down!

tg: like all of us runnin into each other a few of us fly 

gg: If it were to happen, I’d be RDJ.

gg: But it’s not!! Going to happen. That was the point.

tg: okie

tg: dirk is totes antman tho 

gg: I’m glad we understand each other. 

tg: kay

tg: i mean we do have a bunch of nonhuman friends wholl jump to our aid if u fuck w us i guess

gg: Right. 

gg: Won’t be necessary.

tg: mmmmm

gg: We really need to have a talk.

tg: well no way thatll go badly right

gg: God, I’m scared.

tg: same

tg: hurry tf up

__

GG: hey!!!

GG: i know you really don’t want to talk to any of us right now but dirk strider is in our basement :(

EB: what??

GG: yeah

EB: i take ONE nap!

GG: you need to help us distract albert

GG: we’re meeting the strider-lalondes in a park in ten minutes

EB: what??

__

They were already there; Roxy was making a flower crown, few stray wildflowers tucked into her hair. She was on her feet the moment she noticed them; ran up to Dirk, who was still mostly unconscious and held up by Jake and Jade.

“Nice job, asshole.” 

“Um,” Jake said.

“Oh, no, not you.” She placed the crown on Dirk’s head, tucked a stray strand of hair in. Smiled. “God, you’re dumb.”

“Still not me?”

“Yep.”

“Good.”

Jade and John shared a look. Jane was biting her lip, face an odd mixture of emotions.

“I’ll take him now,” Roxy announced, already pushing Jake away.

“Don’t run away,” Jane warned.

Roxy shot her a glare. “Still not in a compromising mood.”

“We have guns.”

“We have little self-perservance and a lot of dormant energy,” Dave shot back; he and Rose were sat around a picnic table few feet away. “Hi, by the way.”

John was looking at ground. Jake awkwardly waved back.

Jade sighed, met Jane’s eyes. She looked just as lost. 

“Sit down,” Rose spoke up; she was gesturing at the bench facing theirs, smiling serenely. 

Jade swallowed.

Rose’s eyes darkened. “Now.”

“Alright,” Jake mouthed; nudged John. “Let us go.”

The table they’ve chosen was a good spot; public enough to demand a restraint from physical violence, private enough for them to be able to talk without accidental passer-bys overhearing. Dirk seemed to be slowly coming to his senses; Jade watched Roxy help him limp towards a chair, slump down into it.

“Is he going to be okay?” she asked. Roxy squinted at her.

“‘Course,” she replied. “Plus I got him a flower crown now so he’s bound to be ok.”

Dirk snickered, face in hands. “Too pretty to die.”

Jane was watching the trio. “That’s...it’s…”

“Feeding him? Yeah.” Dave was leaning in too, face downright weird. “Does that freak you out?”

Jane blinked. “No.”

Dave’s eyebrows went up.

Jane stared back at the reflective glasses. “Really doesn’t.”

“Alright.”

Rose sighed, shared a look with Roxy; the other shrugged, still standing behind Dirk’s seat. “Should we start?”

Roxy shrugged again. “Sure.”

A beat of silence. Dave cleared his throat. 

“How do we start?”

“Don’t know, Dave.” Dirk’s voice sounded hoarse. “They wanted to talk.”

Jake looked waxy. “You alright there?”

Dirk looked—uh, no, glared—over the edge of his glasses. “Really?” 

Jake swallowed, looked away.

John was still not facing the other family.

“Okay!” Jade clapped her hands. “We’re here because we think John’s dad is lying to us.”

Rose raised her eyebrows; Jake made a noise. Jane turned around to glower at her.

“What?!” _They did!_ “We do!”

Jane’s teeth were gritted. “Not in front of them!”

_Oops._

“Okay, time out.” Dave sat up straighter. “We walked all the way here,”

“Didn’t you teleport?”

“ _Even worse_ —anyways, we didn’t come here to sit through some half-assed information extraction attempt.” He pressed his lips into a thin line, nodded. “So. James is a filthy cheat. What’s next.”

“James is not—”

“Jane, please.” Jake was looking at the table, jaw clenched. “There’s obviously something murky in his waters.”

Dirk’s eyebrows were furrowed. Jade watched Roxy lean in over his shoulder, whisper something that sounded suspiciously like _’cringing over your crush yet’_.

“Yeah,” John spoke up, startling her. His voice was off. “I mean. He obviously lied about my mom.” He closed his eyes, breathed. Across the table, Rose’s game face faltered. “It’d be nice if we could find out what else he lied about before more people die.”

Roxy wax chewing on her lower lip. “Shit, honey.”

Jane’s head snapped up. “Don’t call him that.”

Rose’s eyebrows went up. Dirk chuckled.

“O- _kay_.” Dave leaned back. “Scary mom figure. Got it.”

Jane fixed him with the glare next. He ducked his neck, flushed.

“Not that this isn’t incredibly amusing,” Rose’s Monalisa-esque smile was back. “But I’m interested in pursuing John’s train of thought.”

John looked up at her, face almost hopeful. Jade hated how much she could relate.

“Alright, no.” Jane was staring at the table now too. “We can’t—sure, he kept some things a secret, but he didn’t—”

“My mum didn’t do shit to Daisy,” Dave snapped. 

“Well maybe—”

“You two, shoosh,” Roxy barked. Both obeyed; Dave looking like a scolded puppy, Jane simply done with the ordeal. “Thanks. Now, how about we compare stories and see—”

“This is a bad idea,” Jane muttered.

Dirk looked incredulous. “You asked to talk, sweetie.”

“What did you call me?”

Dirk laughed. Jane slapped her hand on the table.

“ _Okay_.” Dave’s eyebrows were high arches over the shades. Rose looked ready to take notes.

“Stop!” Jade yelled. By some miracle, they did— _thank god_. “Jane, Dirk saved you!”

Jane pressed her lips tightly together.

“And he really didn’t need to do that,” she added.

Dirk nodded. “Nobody would have blamed him if he’d left you do rot.”

Roxy slapped his shoulder. He yelped.

Jane’s eyes were harsh, red. “It could be a—”

“If you say trap, I’ll scream.” Dave warned. “Not even kidding. First time in _days_ I don’t feel like I’m dying, I’m fully prepared to make noises.”

Rose pressed a finger to her temple. Jade shared the sentiment. _Fuck, she’d missed him._

“Thanks, Davey,” Roxy said.

“No problem, mum.”

John looked up at that, met Roxy’s eyes. She laughed, nodded.

Dave looked between them. “Alright, what.”

“Later,” Rose said. “What did James tell you about our parents?”

A moment of silence. Jade and John exchanged an awkward glance.

Rose pursed her lips. “Any time now.”

“He said— _we know_ —” Welp, Jake was having an existential crisis. “Cal Borne had killed Bart and then Daisy went missing and we _know_ Mutie was meddling around!”

“Wow,” Dirk deadpanned. “You have some unresolved issues.”

Jake glared back.

“She was,” Rose interrupted. “Mutie indeed was, eh, meddling around your house at the time.”

Jake sat up. “Aha!”

“But not to kill her,” she raised a hand. “Daisy left on her own.”

Another uncomfortable beat. Jade shifted in his seat.

“You know she wanted a divorce,” Dirk said, looking at Jane. 

She wasn’t biting. “Yes.”

“She left with Mutie.”

All eyes turned to John. He blinked, almost surprised.

“She left with Mutie, Roxy told me.” He shrugged. “They were dating.”

Jake frowned, looked back at Roxy. “ _That’s_ what you want us to believe?”

Roxy flinched. Dirk reached out, grabbed her hand.

“It’s the truth,” his voice was ice. Jake was still glaring.

“It’s bullshit.”

“We’ve got proof,” Rose looked combat-ready. Next to her, Dave was scrolling through his phone. “Jake, would you please sit back, you’re making us all uncomfortable.”

Huffing, Jake did as asked. Dave slid the phone over; Jane snatched it first.

She stared at it for a second, then closed her eyes and slid it down the table towards John. Jade knew what she’d see on it the moment John’s eyes widened, mouth opening just a smidge. 

“That’s mum,” he whispered. 

“Yeah,” Dave muttered. “Sorry about the quality, it’s a picture of a picture.” He shrugged.

“It’s,” John put the phone down, sent it towards Jake. “Yeah.”

Jake was scowling at the phone screen; Jade was looking at John.

“I can send it to you,” Dave offered.

John exhaled, laughed; then he rubbed at his eyes and Jade’s chest constricted. “Please. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

He laughed again; it was quiet, verging on hysterical.

Jake shoved the phone into her hands; Jade saw it coming but was still surprised. It was a blurry picture of two women, stood in front of some sort of a food stand. A carnival ride could be seen in the back. One of them was undeniably Daisy; she had John’s complexion, the same unruly hairr; the other looked so much like Roxy Jade had to double-take. 

They were kissing.

When she looked up, Dirk looked incredibly self-satisfied. Jake was still staring at the table.

“So,” Jade slid the phone back towards Dave. “Guess that’s one-love for you.”

Roxy turned to look at her. “Tennis terms?”

Dirk sighed. “Can you do that later?”

Jane was back in fight mode. “Do what?”

Rose dropped her face into her hands. 

“Later!” John reminded, suddenly restless. “Cal, though, he—”

“Yeah, that one’s legit.” Roxy bit her lip, looked away. “He did kill Bart.”

“And my mom,” Jane said. Her eyes were blank.

Roxy looked like she was about to cry. “And her.”

Jane nodded; closed her eyes, inhaled. “Next.”

“Well, his sister killed Roxy’s parents,” Dirk nodded in Jake’s direction—Jake sat up, jaw set. 

“And then _your_ mother killed her!”

Dirk didn’t miss a beat. “Fair game.”

Jake slammed both hands on the table; Jade pushed him back.

“Dude,” Dave breathed. John’s eyes were blown wide.

“And then my dad killed her,” Jade finished.

“And then we had to move in with Cal,” Rose agreed.

Jade bit her lip. She’d never…

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. Dirk looked at her; she couldn’t see his eyes but she could swear he was surprised.

“Not your fault,” Dave muttered.

“How old were you?”

“Dirk was fourteen,” Rose replied. “He was the oldest.”

_Ow._ Jade looked over at Jane; she was pointedly avoiding everyone’s eyes.

“But it wasn’t all bad.” Dirk laughed, bitter. “Sometimes random strangers would offer to help out and then try to kill us.”

Here Jake went again. “Oh, you—”

“Me, what?” Jade did not doubt for a second that Dirk would have jumped to his feet if he were physically able to do so. “I was a _kid_.” 

“We heard reports of demonic activity and found _you_ —”

“I wasn’t doing _shit_ —”

“There were people turning up dead—”

Roxy had a hand on Dirk’s shoulder; Jade hurried to put one on Jake’s.

“It wasn’t him,” Rose was talking. “You know it wasn’t him.”

“Well,” Jake nearly shouted; paused, bit his lip. “I didn’t back then!”

A beat. Dirk leaned back, sighed.

“It was Cal,” he added. “But you’ve probably guessed that by now.”

Jake was still biting his lip. Nodded.

Dirk laughed. “Bet you feel like such an ass now.”

“I did what had to be done.”

“Okay,” Dirk sighed, again. “Whatever. I just saved your life, but never mind that.”

Jade met Rose’s eyes; they both froze, looked away.

“So, what I’m getting is,” Dave started, precarious. “Everyone’s dad is a bit of a dick?”

“Dave,” Rose warned.

“What?”

“It’s true,” John said; pressed an arm to his face, laughed. “Wow.”

“It’s not,” Roxy hurried to add. “He was probably—”

“Are you seriously defending James Egbert right now?” Dirk asked, incredulous. “Roxy.”

She bit her lip, shrugged.

Dirk fixed John with a stare. “Sorry ‘bout your dad.”

John shrugged.

“Sorry ‘bout mine, too.”

John rubbed at his face. “I think yours is kind of worse, no offense.”

“None taken,” Dirk breathed a laugh. “Can’t disagree.”

They fell into a silence. Jade chanced another glance in Rose’s direction, found the other staring back.

“You said you need us dead cause you can’t be sure we won’t hurt anyone,” Roxy told Jane. 

The latter pursed her lips. “Yes.”

“Is there anything,” Roxy’s voice broke into pleading. “We won’t—is there anything we can do to make you trust us?”

Jade and John shared a look. Even Jake seemed intimidated.

Jane laughed. “I doubt it.”

“Okay, well.” Roxy grimaced. “Is there anything we can do to make you trust us for, like, a lil bit?”

Jane scowled. “Why.”

Dirk was looking at Roxy now too. Jade felt weirdly like witnessing two mothers discuss a bake sale.

“Those people today,” Jake said; he was staring at thin air. “They were after all three of us.”

“Yep,” Roxy nodded.

“What’s going on?” Jade asked.

“That’s a good question,” Rose sighed.

“We’re fucked, is the bottom line.” Roxy said. Took a deep breath. “I think we kinda need a truce.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im flying to london tomorrow!! and will be there for a week so the next ch might take a while
> 
> pls let me know your thoughts i live off attention


	13. Chapter 13

“You really need a nap.”

Sollux looked up from nir computer, hollow cheeks accentuated by the low light. Ne squinted.

Roxy sighed, setting her own laptop down safely. “Like, for reals.”

“I could almost hear the ‘z’ in that one,” ne yawned. “And you’re just trying to get ahead of me again.”

“You have no proof.”

“Past experience,” Sollux tapped nir head. “Character witnesses hold up in court.”

Roxy blew air through her nose, sat back. “Fine.”

“You too.”

Roxy winked. Ne winked back.

The sound of front doors unlocking was barely audible but enough to make them both jump. Aradia made way into the apartment, barely blinked at the sight of the two still up. 

“Did you get _any_ sleep?”

“No.” Sollux beamed. “How are you?”

“Tired,” Aradia walked over to the couch, slipped in between them. She smelled like tobacco and high alcohol percentage. “Long night. Had to kick a customer out again.”

“You should quit the job,” Sollux said, still typing away. “Isn’t Fef about to inherit like, a whole lot of money?”

“I don’t like financial dependency,” Aradia explained. Leaned over to look at the screen. “Plus, the company’s good.”

“Isn’t the company just a bunch of sleazy drunks and potential sex offenders?” Roxy asked.

“And minors who know we don’t check IDs,” Aradia said.

Roxy, who was once a minor who knew which clubs don’t check IDs, sat back in defeat. “Touche.”

“Plus, the manager is really nice,” Aradia added.

“And you get to get away with being nocturnal.” 

“Look who’s talking.” 

Sollux and Roxy did a synchronized unintelligible mutter. 

Aradia laughed. “What are you doing?”

“Just sorting through the files,” Sollux yawned. “But my focus is kinda fucked.”

“Sleep,” Roxy whispered.

“No,” ne whispered back.

“How about you both sleep and I confiscate your—wait.” Aradia grabbed onto Sollux’s hand, eyes wide. Ne froze. “Who’s that?”

“That?” Sollux pushed the laptop onto Aradia’s knees; Roxy leaned over to get a better look. “Just some guy who went missing in North Virginia.”

“Jack Noir,” Aradia read out the name, frowned. “Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Hit up your new found allies,” she grinned. “Think I found him.”

__

**tipsyGnostalgic** started this groupchat.

**tipsyGnostalgic** named this groupchat **dpa**

EB: dpa?

GG: as in demon-protector alliance?

tg: yup!

TG: actually its damp pants acupuncture

TT: A stands for asexual.

TG: ily

tt: Great, we’ll die over ace discourse.

gt: Wow, am i glad i’ve been added to this increasingly enlightening chat thread!

gg: Hey now, they did add asexual.

tt: Not you too.

gt: Har-har.

TG: wait is dirks old crush ace

GG: wait, is your new crush ace? 

tt: Oh, that was good.

EB: wait, what??

gg: Roxy, situation control maybe?

tg: here !!!! dirk strider shut the fuck up 

tt: I am literally in the same apartment as you, you could just come talk to me.

tg: um

tg: i havent been home for the last two days did u not notice

tt: Oh.

TG: wow

tt: Peanut gallery should not be heard.

GG: :/

EB: :/

gg: Roxy!!! Please.

tg: why do u think i have any power over how they behave

tg: but yes anyways!! take ur interpershonal drama to a personal chat pls

gg: Or real life, even.

tt: Now let’s not get overzealous here.

tg: jesus fuck ur all annoying

tg: i havent slept in 36h stfu!!!

TG: damn mom

tg: that means you too pumpkin spice

TG: <3

EB: uh.

tg: we have a lead!!

gg: Oh thank GOD.

__

Aradia was chewing on her nail, face grim. There was a faint sound of clattering cups coming from the kitchen, Feferi making them tea. Sollux looked ready to pass out.

Roxy set her phone down, sighed.

“Are they being annoying?” Sollux asked; ne had poured mountain dew into nir coffee some time before and was for some reason actually drinking the concoction.

“You’re gross,” Aradia told nem lovingly.

Ne blew her a kiss.

“They’re talking about Jake’s sexual orientation,” Roxy pushed the phone away. “Can you link them the right file so I don’t have to look at words any more?”

Sollux loudly slurped. “You should sleep.”

She squinted back at nem. 

“Pot calling a pan,” Aradia sing-sang.

Sollux frowned. “That’s not— _oh!_.”

“Sexuality joke.”

“Got it now.”

“You need sleep too.”

Feferi walked into the kitchen, a tray in her hands. “You all need sleep.”

“But we got a lead!” Sollux was apparently getting hit with the caffeine rush. “I honestly didn’t think that’d happen. I expected one of those really long circle-jerks with Roxy that end with mutual dissatisfaction and a half-assed orgasm but—”

“ _Wow_.”

“We found something!”

Feferi set the tea down, leaned over the table. “Ooh, what did you find?”

Aradia slid a tablet over, smiled at her girlfriend. “Remember him?”

Feferi squinted; gasped. “That’s the—”

“Yes.”

“The guy you had to kick out last wednesday!” Feferi sat down, pulled the screen closer. “Jack Noir? That’s his name?”

“Apparently.”

Sollux jumped in his seat. “I mean, someone who disappears off the face of the earth and then starts frequenting a sleazy club not two weeks later?”

Feferi pouted her lips. “Almost sounds like someone who’d just discovered they need sex to survive.”

Aradia beamed. “The way he behaves around the place does not disprove the theory.”

“Oh, yeah.” Feferi grimaced, looked at Roxy. “He was nasty.”

“Started hitting on Fef,” Aradia explained. “Got really aggressive when turned down. I think he noticed I’m not human.”

Roxy was chewing on her lip. “What if it’s not it, though.”

Sollux slumped back in nir seat. “Don’t bring logic into my victory argument.”

“Just sayin’, toxic masculinity is not an exclusively parasyte trait.”

Feferi nodded in agreement.

“Doesn’t hurt to check,” Aradia whispered. 

Sollux and Roxy shared a look. “So, we’re checking?”

Aradia shrugged. “I mean, I do work there.”

“We gotta corner him,” Roxy bit her lip. “It might get frisky.”

“So?” Sollux leaned in. “We do have some newly acquired backup.”

Feferi made a face. “Are you talking about the protector family I’d really like it if you reconsidered—”

“But they have guns!”

“That they can use to shoot you!”

Aradia slipped an arm around Feferi’s shoulders. “She’s just worried because she nearly went out with Jade Harley.”

Sollux’ eyes went wide. “No.”

Feferi blushed.

“Dude, you should still go for it.”

“But—”

“She’s polyamorous,” Aradia added.

Sollux’s jaw dropped. “Fucking seriously?”

Feferi’s face was in her hands.

“Hey, I’m fine with going for it,” Aradia added.

“But!”

“But?”

“Hate to interrupt whatever this is,” Roxy elbowed in. “But do I call for a human-demon night out or what.”

“No!” “Yeah.” “Do it.”

Roxy eyed her audience, then her phone. “You have no idea how far back this takes me.”

__

 

tt: That’s the worst idea you’ve ever had.

tg: buuuuuuuuuut i had it!

tt: Roxy.

tg: what

tg: they dont need to go

tg: but we did say no more secrets so

tt: Roxy, your lack of self-perseverance is as endearing as ever but it’s really getting out of hand again.

tt: You even brought the club hitting back, jesus.

tt: I know there’s a lot of pressure on you but now’s a really bad time to bring back your 2010 coping mechanisms.

tg: well youre especially dickish today whatsup

tt: I can’t do this.

tg: yea you can

tg: but you also dont have to so

tg: rose already said shell stay home and come in if backup is needed

tt: You should stay home too.

tg: christ dirk 

tg: i know i was messy and i know i fucked up a lot but i grew and im good and i wont go back to being a fucked up teen from smelling a whsikey stain so if youd kindly get off the patronizing soap box itd be verily appreciated tnx

tg: what r u not going to reply now

tg: sheesh

tg: im sorry for shouting?

tg: im not sorry actually

tg: it wasnt even shouting i used no punctuation

tt: I really am patronizing, huh?

tg: YEAH

Tt: Sorry, I guess?

tg: u guess right

tg: now get out some skinny jeans were hitting up a bad neighbourhood

__

gg: I’m not going.

GG: thats ok!!

gg: I’m really sorry, I can’t. 

GG: it’s really ok jane!!

gt: Yes, don’t break a sweat over it! i am sure we’ll handle the reins on our own.

gg: Just. Ughh.

gg: Bad memories.

EB: did you, like, shoot dirk in a club?

GG: john !!

gt: Back alley of one, actually.

EB: damn.

__

CG: is dave going out?

TT: Sounds like a question he’d be better equipped to answer.

CG: does it now, didn’t notice.

TT: Funny how that works.

TT: And yes, he is.

CG: is he going feeding?

TT: Karkat.

CG: right. sorry.

TT: Kanaya likes you and therefore I like you too so I’ll make it a little easier.

TT: They’re tracking down a person we suspect to be involved in a bit of a shared drama.

TT: He won’t be alone, in case you’re worried.

CG: wait, backtrack.

CG: first of all, shared? shared with whom?

CG: secondly, didn’t know you knew??

TT: I don’t know how informed you are of my family’s backstory and I’d really rather not be the person to tell you. Knowing Dave, he didn’t want to be that person either, so I’ll assume you don’t know much and say: there’s a lot of bullshit going on.

TT: And knew what?

CG: sollux briefed me in on the, uh. backstory?

CG: sorry about that, by the way.

TT: It’s alright. You didn’t kill my parents.

TT: I think?

TT: That was a joke, by the way.

CG: wow, thanks for elaborating.

CG: wait, are you going there with jade?

TT: I am not going but, yes. Jade will be there.

TT: Among other people.

TT: Knew what, Karkat?

CG: is this safe??

CG: i was worried about him getting fucked up on his own but this is a whole other level.

TT: My thought process exactly. 

TT: Karkat, what did you not think I know?

(CG went offline)

 

__

They stood in front of the narrow, shoddily painted doors, squeezed in between a hairdresser’s place and an apartment building. John would have been sure they got the wrong address, was it not for the low rumble of bass vibrating through the walls.

“They’re here,” Jade said, looking up from her phone screen. “Gosh, this place gives me the creeps.”

John nodded; flinched away when the doors opened, a girl stumbling out.

“Okay, we’re being dumb.” Jade said. “I’ll do a circle around the place, you wait for Jake.”

John nodded. “Okay.”

“Don’t go in alone, I’m serious.”

“You’re a year older!”

“And I’ve been to sleazy places before,” she sent a quick look after the girl from before, now leaning against the wall and smoking. “And don’t talk to her.”

The girl looked their way, waved. Jade’s face flushed.

“Alright?” John felt awkward. “Will you be okay?”

“Of course,” Jade snapped, put on a brave face. “Behave!”

She left. John awkwardly walked over to the window ledge in front of the hair saloon, sat down.

Footsteps, way too heavy to belong to Jake, came his way.

“Hey.”

John looked up - it was a guy, somewhere around his dad’s age, offering a pack of cigarettes. 

“Hi?”

“Want one?”

John shook his head ‘no’, scooted away - the guy took it as an invitation to sit down next to him. “First time here?”

“Um.” Was he being hit on? He’d always been so bad at telling - was this guy gay? He didn’t look gay. Maybe he wanted to sell him drugs (he didn’t look like he sold drugs either). “Yeah?”

The guy was staring him down. John shuffled in his seat.

“So, how—”

“Here you are.” Someone was suddenly leaning over him; John’s eyes snapped up, met Dave’s. “Babe.”

John blinked; Dave pushed his glasses further up into his hair, raised an eyebrow. “Hah, yes?” He was kind of catching on. “Sugar?”

Dave snorted, rolled his eyes. His pants were really tight; he had dark eye-shadow on. He turned to look at the Guy. “Ain’t he cute?”

“You.” The man grinned back. “Didn’t think you’d be settling down.”

“Life’s full of surprises.” Dave grabbed John’s hand, pulled him to his feet. A hand around his waist; alright. John felt his face burn, walked where Dave led.

“Nice catch,” the guy shouted after them—John wasn’t sure who he was talking to.

“Jesus, John.” Dave breathed, low into his ear. “Be more of a clueless jailbait, would you.”

John scoffed. “I’m eighteen!”

They were entering the club now; Dave squeezed his hip. “Yeah, maybe don’t advertise that right now.”

The way all his sentences ended in questions with no intonation was kind of annoying. “Is the hand really necessary?”

Dave glared. “He’s following us.”

John opened his mouth, struggled not to look back. “Wha— why?”

“You’re cute and he doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer,” Dave muttered, nodding at the bouncer. They were in now - it was so _loud_. “He won’t bother us at the counter, though, Aradia freaks him out.”

“Aradia?”

“She works here.” Dave still had a hand on the small of his back, face almost in the crook of John’s neck. “She’s a demon but not the sex kind so you can relax.”

“I’m relaxed!”

Dave laughed. “Sure.”

“That guy knows you,” John noted; looking back. “Are you here often?”

“Used to be,” Dave was really, really tense. His hands were shaking.

“Why?”

“I was fifteen and had to feed, not my proudest moment.”

John’s eyes widened. “When you said he doesn’t take no for an answer—”

“Not like _that_ ,” Dave snapped. “Jesus.”

“But you were fourteen?” John scowled. “I think that’s still illegal, even if you aren’t saying no.”

Dave didn’t reply - they were almost at the counter now, and he threw himself onto one of the chairs, so John followed lead.

“Hello, boys!” The girl behind the counter smiled at them - her lips were very red, teeth very white.

Dave smiled in return. “Sup, Radia.”

_Ohh._ John waved back, and her grin grew.

“I’ll get you two cokes on the house,” she said. Her hair was long, reaching way down her back.

Dave whined. “Come on.”

“Okay, you can get a pepsi.”

“ _Aradia._ ”

John laughed, accepted his soda.

–

Dirk watched Dave drag John Egbert across the dance floor, body fully relaxed save for the clenching of his jaw, the way he kept looking back—

Dirk zeroed in on the guy fast enough; he was staring back at Dave, after all, lip upturned and a bit of upper teeth showing.

He glanced back at his brother; Dave noticed the— smile?—sneered; his hand was on the small of John’s back, clawing at the fabric.

_Oh._

“Give up,” he said in place of a greeting. The guy looked his way immediately— his eyes slid up and down Dirk’s body in a way that was simultaneously flattering and also incredibly not. “Twinks in clubs, worse than straight girls at lesbian events.”

The guy laughed; he looked to be pushing into forties, had that bit of a dad-bod; his hairline was yet to start receding, his eyes hadn’t yet gone to shit. He had a V-neck shirt, a noticeable bulge in the front of his pants. “Twinks, eh? Should I be worried about you, then?”

Dirk skipped past taking offence and straight into accent analysis. “You’re a local.”

It wasn’t a question but the man still nodded, raised his glass to his lips. It was something painfully macho, neat whiskey or the like. “You got a name?”

“Jake,” Dirk smoothly lied (it’d never come back to bite the guy but a man could dream). “You?”

“I can think of a fake name too.” The man swallowed the rest of his drink. “Haven’t seen you around before.”

“Not my scene,” Dirk agreed. “You know those boys?”

Guy raised an eyebrow. “The—”

“Blonde and black haired, yeah.” Dirk was leaning in close enough to mask the threatening body language as heavy flirtation. “Focus on the blonde, though.”

The man’s eyes focused on Dirk’s hair, finally put two and two together. “You—”

“'Cause like, he seems to know you and didn’t look very happy to see you.”

“Look,” the guy was trying to take a step back— _cute_. “He was willing and clearly knew what he was doing.”

“You look old enough to be his father.”

“Is this going to be a problem? The kid has been coming here for years and I was hardly the first or the last or the _oldest_ so maybe he’s the one you should be having this talk with.”

Dirk ignored the implications, could not deal with the implications right now. “You’re the only one leering at him across the club, though.”

“Hey, I haven’t touched him in years—”

He’d seen it coming but it was still a punch in the gut.

“How many.”

The man frowned—Dirk realised he’d grabbed his forearm, was pressing too firmly. Didn’t let go. “What?”

“How long since you’ve—” Shit. “Touched him?”

What were they _thinking_? Rose found a girl her age and kept things fairly prim for most of her teen years, why did they assume Dave was doing the same, Roxy had her own shit going on but Dirk should have— he’d been so caught up in the Cal drama he forgot no one foolproofed the outside world and he knew their family had a thing for reckless behavior—

“How many?!”

The man was going pale. Kept trying to get away.

“Look, I’m not your biggest problem—”

“How many years ago,” Dirk squeezed a little harder- the man’s eyes widened in pain. “Any moment now.”

“Three years since I first saw him.”

Dirk let go. The man stumbled back.

“Freak.”

“You have no idea.” He looked across the club; Dave and John were at the counter, talking to Aradia.

Three years. Jesus.

Dave’d been fifteen. That was way too fucking young, this place way too fucking seedy, and he had a sneaking suspicion it was far from the worst—

A hand on his shoulder. He flinched.

“You okay?” Jake was leaning in; he was, somehow, dressed more appropriately for this place than Dirk himself.

“Yes.” Dirk forced his eyes to stay on the spot between Jake’s eyes. “John’s over there.”

Jake nodded. “Jade’s doing a circle around the premise, and Jane—”

“Won’t come?”

Jake laughed, shrugged. “Good insight.”

“That’s me.”

Jake looked awkward. “That guy—”

“What about him?”

Jake scowled; Dirk forced himself to relax. “Did he have any intel on Jack?”

Dirk shook his head 'no’.

Jake was still scowling. “You sure you’re alright?”

“Just roughed the guy up a little,” Dirk felt himself say. “Was creepin’ on the boys, made sure he stays away.”

Jake’s eyes widened, flitted between Dirk and their _eighteen year old jesus christ_ relatives at the counter. “He—”

“It’s that kind of a place,” Dirk muttered, stood upright. “I need a drink.”

Jake’s scowl was back with vengeance. “I don’t think it’s such a smart idea, now.”

“I’m getting a drink.”

–

tg: i need a drink

TT: No.

tg: im not getting one dw

tg: just…would rly like one agh

TG: hey we sorta do have this thing under control so

TG: if you wanna ditch ditch

tg: and leave u boys + jade alone i dont think so

tg: dirk and jake are gonna go at each other and ull just cheer them on

TG: now thats only partially true

TG: but for real you can be on standby

TT: Agreed.

TT: I love and admire you, Roxy, but your focus is hardly going to be the sharpest there.

tg: yee but

TT: I was smart enough to know I need to stay home.

tg: ok tru

tg: but u are the smart one

tg: dirk is the angsty one

tg: dave is the pretty one

tg: i make the best omelette

TG: im fine with this

TT: Kanaya says my omelette is better.

TG: shes lying

TG: unless the omlette is a code for something else in which case go get it kanaya and also i have no opinion on either of yours metaphorical eggs

TT: Wow.

tg: omggggg

–

CG: hey, you okay?

TG: so im going to pretend you only accidentally didnt send this to the group chat

TG: shits under control houston chill your testicles

CG: first of all, what?? was that reference?

CG: second of all, you know what im asking.

TG: houston still needs to chill his god damn testicles

CG: houston will do what he god damn pleases with his fucking testicles!!

TG: well houston needs to go and take his emancipated testicles somewhere else bc hes kinda pissing me off as we speak

TG: no offence to either testicle and full offence to houston

CG: well excuse me for being worried!

TG: i knew id regret saying a word i fucking called it

CG: oh, sorry, am i “”'making it weird"“” again, Dave?

TG: i am NOT talking about it fuck off

TG: ill block you i swear to god also say a word to my family and

TG: nvm

CG: hey, hey, i’m not going to make you talk about it, chill.

CG: or tell anyone.

CG: sorry.

TG: its cool forget it

TG: sorry for exploding on you youre doing your weird full house-y best

TG: uncle jesse approach just doesnt work on me soz

CG: okay, but have you ever tried the uncle jesse approach?

TG: i jerked off thinking of young john stamos once if that counts

CG: fuck. Okay.

CG: stop side-tracking me, what the fuck, i’m laughing.

–

EB: sooo, how’s it going? :B

GG: the place is wayyy to loud !! but otherwise ok

GG: hows dave?

EB: umm, smiling at his phone like a goof, idk?

GG: aww!!!

GG: hes probably talking to karkat :B

EB: karkat?

EB: ohh, that’s the friend!

EB: are they. like.

EB: was that why he was at his place??

GG: hahahah i love it when you act straight

GG: he has a lil crush on him but idek if they did anything

EB: not fair, why do you get to know about his crushes and i don’t??

GG: when did you find out he likes boys, john?

EB: okay, point.

EB: but he liked girls!! he talked about that terezi girl to me.

EB: i kind of thought he liked you for a while?? i was rooting for you!

GG: hahah, dont let james hear this!!

EB: fuck, that’d be an actual interspecies relationship.

EB: weird.

GG: its not THAT weird

EB: um.

EB: are you saying you’d date dave?

GG: no!!

EB: didn’t we just establish he’s into boys?

GG: and girls!

GG: pansexuality, remember the leaflet?

EB: so you are into him!

GG: im not into dave, john!!

EB: well, good!

GG: why is that good?

EB: he’s

EB: i don’t know!!

EB: he was our bro and then a demon and now i don’t know what he is but bottom line is, it’d be weird!!

GG: alright but hes always been a demon and i think hes still our “”“”“bro”“”“

EB: right.

GG: like

GG: are you still that opposed to being friendly with demons?

EB: aren’t you?

GG: i asked first!

EB: i don’t know!!

EB: i knew dave and rose forever and roxy is super nice!

EB: but they’re.

EB: i don’t know!!

GG: john

GG: john please don’t tell anyone

EB: jade??

GG: like not anyone ok im serious

EB: what’s going on?

GG: im going to smooch the waitress

EB: eww, i didn’t need to know that!

EB: also how is that in any way relevant to our

EB: oh.

GG: yeah

EB: is that…a smart idea?

GG: absolutely not :B

EB: do you know her?

GG: i know her girlfriend!!

GG: ok brb ttyl

EB: what??

EB: jade??

–

TG: lmao john is freaking out

TG: kinda wanna ask what about but id have to talk to him then

CG: wait, you aren’t talking?

TG: well no

CG: you are both embarrassing.

TG: i mean we exchanged a few words

TG: i pretended to be his boyfriend so hes probably double freaked out

CG: oh? how come?

TG: cant a guy fake a relationship every once in a while without a million questions coming his way

TG: nbd local creep wanted a piece of his ass so i swooped in

TG: you shouldve seen the guys face hahah

TG: tfw this desperate twink you facefucked three years ago steals your newest toy #fml #amazingatheistproblems

CG: oh.

TG: dont ask

CG: wasn’t going too!!

CG: you sure you’re safe?

TG: jesus christ karkat im not about to get myself raped would you get of my nonexistent dick already

CG: fine!!

CG: nice job improvising, by the way.

TG: thanks

CG: why do you think he’s freaked out? by the idea of fake dating, to be clear.

TG: idk hes straight

CG: but, like, isn’t jade his sister or something?

TG: cousin but yeah

CG: okay, she’s pan as fuck, what’s the problem?

TG: not the same

TG: hes cool with rose too bc theres no chance of them ever being into him

TG: you know how straight boys are

CG: unfortunately.

CG: ok i’ve actually never had a straight friend for that specific reason.

TG: hahah well

TG: thats probably smart

CG: just tell him you’re not, were never, and won’t ever be into him and. i don’t know. talk a little.

CG: i believe in your minimal social competence.

TG: yeah id say that but i think he figured me out already

CG: alright, what??? Backtrack.

TG: im not into him chill

TG: not any more

CG: oh.

TG: like i was way too enthusiastic about talking to him when we were dweeby middle schoolers and we had this joke about us being secret lovers i wouldnt blame him if he freaked out bc playing gay chicken w straight boys is way different than realizing your best friend had a massive onesided crush on you for three years

CG: three years?

TG: i had a crush on all of my friends at one point ok

CG: well, that’s normal.

TG: is it now

CG: it’s normal for me and apparently you so shut up.

TG: hahahah alright captain

TG: dude what do i do

CG: i don’t know.

CG: tell him you think his dad is cuter?

CG: make him uncomfortable on triple fronts.

TG: if he kills me its on you

CG: i’ll take the risk.

__

uu: yoU know there’s no shame in having to leave early!

uu: i’m sUre yoUr family woUldn’t mind yoU ‘’ditching’’ an outing if the setting was making yoU Uncomfortable u_u

tg: yeaaah but

tg: eggh idek

uu: heheh ok!! bUt please stay safe.

uu: (kisses)

tg: god bless u callie

tg: im going out to get some fresh air bust some minors on smoke breaks

tg: be the hero i needed etca etca

uu: that’s a good caUse!

uu: are there actUal minors there?

tg: one or two i think idk

tg: im bad at telling

tg: but like honestly probs a lot

uu: :U i hope they stay safe!

tg: they def wont 

uu: probably. 

uu: i’m glad yoU’re there for them! 

tg: hahah u make me sound like some sort of a stranger danger avenger

tg: holy shit brb

uu: roxy? is everything okay? 

__

His beard was patchy, his eyes glazed over funny. He looked tired; really, really tired. His only reaction to Roxy sliding in between him and the door was to sigh, lean back.

“I’m not buying you a drink,” he said. 

Roxy pouted, tilted her head to the side. “Not your type?”

Jack Noir laughed, rolled his eyes. There was a jagged scar, going down his throat. “You could say so.”

“Is it the female thing or the demon thing?”

His eyes snapped to her face so fast she feared he’d get whiplash. His heavy brows drew together.

_Bingo._

She smiled. “Yep.”

“Are you with that waitress?”

“I wish,” Roxy winked. “How’d you know she’s not human but couldn’t read me?”

He rubbed at his face. “Do you want something or can I go?”

“Wait, you probs didn’t figure it out herself. Did someone tell you?” Her eyes widened. “Oh, you know about Damara.”

He looked angry, nervous. “Get out of my way.”

“I want to talk to you,” she grabbed onto his shoulder. “I can also totally help, two of my friends are Turned and—”

“Get your hands off me.”

“I know she’s like, probably the only one you think can help you survive but—”

He laughed again. It was a harsh, cynical sound, tinged bitter. “You’re so off your mark you might as well not be firing. Seriously, get off.”

“What does the Condescension want, Noir?”

He squinted. “You know my name.”

She met his eyes, lifted her chin. “Yep.”

“How?”

“I’m good like that,” she shrugged. “Why are you working for Condy?”

He lifted an eyebrow. “Look, I almost kind of like you so I won’t rat to the main bitch—”

She frowned. “You shouldn’t really use that word.”

“ _But_ ,” he was trying to push her away; it was obvious from his stance, his shoulders, that he was holding back. “You need to fuck off.”

“Hm.” So he was stronger now, unused to it. That was to be expected. She took another step closer to him, seriously invading his personal space. “Nah.”

His lips were a thin line. He smelled like tobacco and sweat. “Kid.”

“You gotta make me.”

“Are you passively suicidal or something?” He did another weak push. “I’m serious about this, don’t make me.”

“Don’t make you _what_?”

He moved so fast she barely registered it; spun her around, out of the way. 

She felt almost giddy as she glitched out of his grasp, reappeared flush to his other side. “‘Kay, that was cool.”

He took a step back. His eyes were wide.

“So you either can’t do that or are too weak to.” She took a step back, gave him some breathing space. “I know you got kicked out yesterday, so you probs wouldn’t have gotten to feed. Is anger new too? Never heard of it happening but—”

He pushed her out of the way, into the back alley— she hadn’t been expecting it, and he was pretty strong— Roxy stumbled a few steps, regained her balance.

“Shut the fuck up,” he spat. “You a Lalonde, right?”

“So you know us,” it was game time. Game time was so happening.

“Who doesn’t?” 

She shrugged. “Humans?”

His jaw clenched, a vein pulsing on his scruffy neck. “This is out of your depth, alright.”

“But I’m a Lalonde,” she sing-sang. “Like, the whole ocean is my depth, get it?”

“Look, wanna-be queen doesn’t give a shit about your family,” he breathed. “Just go home and tell your little Megido to lay low.”

Roxy deflated. “Wha—”

“If you just let her do her thing, she’ll leave you alone.” He sighed, ran a hand through his hair. “For now. I hear you’re good at hiding. Run off to Europe, somewhere non-flashy. Hard to imagine her Imperial Condescension ever flying to Yugoslavia.”

“Her thing? What’s her thing?” Roxy was leaning in, trying to keep her voice gentle. “Her people followed me that day.”

“Her—those were _my_ men,” he spat. “She wants power— crazy talk sort of power, nothing she can accomplish during your lifetime.”

“We can live awfully long.”

He laughed. “ _You_ won’t.”

She bit her lip, squinted. “So she didn’t want us.”

“The orders were to get the girl, take you out if you meddle.” He looked away, sighed. “Try not meddling and you might get a good few decades before she comes after you.”

“She would, wouldn’t she.” Roxy kept trying to catch his eyes. “They were after the girl?”

“This conversation is over.” He was turning to leave.

Roxy grabbed his arm. “Jane Crocker?”

He tried to yank away—seemed mildly impressed when he learned he couldn’t.

“She wants Jane Crocker?”

“Why are we even talking if you already have the answers?”

Roxy’s mind was reeling. “What does she want Jane for?”

“Hell if I know.”

Roxy scowled. “Liar.”

He raised his eyebrows. “You know why.”

She held his eyes. “You are, what, a mafia boss?”

He snorted. “I consider myself a freelancer.”

“She chose you because you had connections.”

“I had people following me and could use a gun.” 

“She wanted something from Jane’s mom.”

He shook her hand off. “I feel like I just signed my death sentence.”

“You don’t need to—”

He disappeared. Roxy stared at the bare air— _so he could do it, dickhead_ —brain still in overdrive.

uu: roxy? I’m a bit worried.

uu: coUld you jUst text me once yoU’re home safe? If it’s not too mUch of a bother u_u

tg: hey sorry i vanished on u hah

tg: could i mayb come over to your place? 

uu: sUre! my doors are always open ^u^

tg: im going to be a little bit of a mess sorry bout that

tg: i need to work through some things i just found out

uu: i’ll start Up the kettle.

tg: <3<3<3 ur the best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sleepy but london was great  
> quick disclaimer i apologize if anything i had a character say offends i try to stay true to the asshole-ish aes a lot of them have going  
> (reviews are literally a life source pls help a girl out)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> strider boys send each other some clickable links this ch ! do not miss

It was a crisp, well-lit night; Jade looked up at the moon, tapped the tops of her boots against the shared can of cider.

Aradia was watching her out of the corner of her eye.

“So how does this work?”

Aradia raised an eyebrow. “Come again?”

Jade swallowed, eyes still downwards. “You know. You and Feferi and—”

“Us kissing?”

Jade blushed, laughed. “That!”

Aradia was smiling too. “Pretty good so far.”

“Oh, shut up.” God, she was still blushing, why were girls this _powerful_. “Just. At what point does it—uhm.”

Aradia’s eyes were sympathetic. “First time polyamory, huh?”

Jade shook her head ‘yes’. Tried and failed the nervous giggles from coming.

“Um, communication and mutual trust, I guess?” Aradia shrugged.

“So, like the regular ones.”

“Like the monogamous ones, yes.”

Jade nodded. “Right.”

“Thought you’d be more worried about me being a demon.”

Jade screwed her eyes shut. “Trying to ignore that one for now.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They sat in silence for a while. Aradia reached over for the cider can—their fingers brushed and Jade pulled away so quickly a few stray droplets hit her leg.

Aradia watched her, amused; kept eye-contact as she took a long swallow.

Jade had to look away.

“You’re freaking out.”

“Yeah,” Jade agreed. 

“Sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“Would it make it a lot worse if I kissed you again?”

“Probably.”

“Ah.” 

“You should still do it, though.”

Aradia ended up walking her home. They didn’t hold hands; Jade had hers shoved deep into the (borrowed) hoodie’s pockets.

“You’re awfully confident this isn’t a trap,” she noted.

Aradia smiled. “I trust you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Aradia still had the now empty can in her hand. “I mean, you were pretty upfront about still wanting to erase my species from existence, so—”

“I don’t!” 

Aradia paused, gave her a look. 

Jade deflated. “I don’t know.”

“I can see that.”

“ _Gah._ ” She buried her face in her palms. “I feel like John.”

“I don’t know him but I know a self-deprecating remark when I see one.”

“You’d be right.”

Aradia laughed. It was a really nice sound. “Look,” she put a hand on Jade’s shoulder. “I’m not going to try to get you to do anything.”

Jade made a noise.

“And I’m not going to get involved— or approve of Fef getting involved— with someone out to hurt people.” 

Jade swallowed her indignation. There was a point there.

“But if you, well. Decide to change course.” Aradia shrugged, tossed the can into the nearest trash bin. She didn’t miss; the little victory finger-guns she did had no right to be that cute. “I’m here.”

Jade felt a smile tug at her face. “Okay.”

She watched as the other girl leaned in, halted with their faces an inch apart.

“Good night.” Aradia’s breath smelled like apples and gun. “Text me.”

The kiss was over painfully quickly; Jade still forgot how to breathe.

“Okay,” she gasped.

Aradia grinned; disappeared into the night.

__

gg: Where are you??

gt: Hello to you too, jane! 

gg: Jake English, I swear to god, I am NOT in the mood!

gt: Gosh darn, miss, take a breather! I’m still out.

gt: In the club, remember?

gg: Don’t ‘take a breather’ me, MISTER.

gg: Jade and John have both returned and neither knows where you’re to be found!

gg: Furthermore, they say they haven’t seen you in hours!

gg: Roxy told them they can get home, and they couldn’t find you so they assumed you’d left on your own but, ALAS.

gt: Oh.

gg: Oh????

gt: I’m at Dirk’s.

gg: You’re where??

gt: Dirk’s apartment. 

gt: He’s not feeling too well.

gg: He led you to his apartment? Dirk Strider? Willingly?

gg: Oh god damn it, he’s drunk. 

gt: Now, i didn’t say that.

gg: He got drunk.

gg: That family will be the end of my life span.

gt: I was going to head home but roxy has not returned yet and i am not comfortable with the idea of himself being alone in this state.

gt: What if he chokes on his tongue?

gg: That’s physically impossible.

gg: I’m pretty sure.

gt: Well that was calming!

gg: Just turn him to the side in case he vomits. Get him a glass of water? A bucket to throw up in?

gg: He’s a demon, I’d hope it takes a little more than an alcohol binge to take him out.

gt: Alright, that does sound like a reasonable course of action.

gt: I’ll be back in an hour.

__

gg: Just checking, are you safe?

gg: John says you told them to go back but Jake says you’re not at your house yet. We’re a little worried.

gg: Roxy Lalonde, I’ve traced your inebriated self down seedy streets before and I can do it again.

tg: hello!

tg: Um, this is roxy’s friend. she’s asleep u_u

tg: and sober! saw yoU were worried.

gg: Oh! Thank you.

gg: She’s at your place?

tg: yes! Hah, silly me, forgot to add. 

tg: i’m callie, by the way!

gg: Hi, callie!

gg: Hm. You wouldn’t happen to be Calliope Uroburos?

gg: that’s me! Have i been mentioned?

gg: Only the good things!

__

tg: alrite i woke up 3 min ago so excuse my lack of coherency but ive never mentioned her to u

tg: why do u know her

gg: Morning!

tg: jane crocker i am not fuckign around

gg: Jade used to be her roommate.

gg: I put two and two together.

tg: ok yea but callie is not that original of a name so

tg: oh

tg: oh fucking shit jade knew

gg: Roxy.

tg: u used her to track us down

tg: holy shit

gg: Roxy, please.

tg: no no no too early for this

__

**dpa**

tg: hey so jane watch ur back

gg: Is this a threat??

tg: lmao no

tg: jack said theyre after u

gg: What?

gt: What??

tg: o hi jake

tg: yea apparently cuntisension wants u for smtng

tg: he glitched out on me before i got much more out of him but im on that

gt: You talked to him? what was he like?

tg: aw u sound like a true fanboy bab

gt: Roxy.

tg: he was old and scruffy and daded me a lil

tg: u know like,,,called me a kid. felt like wanted to take me to a baseball game

tt: Wow.

tg: wow right back at u

tg: whered u & dirk disappear to last night hmmmmmm didnt think id notice?

tt: Jade disappeared too.

tg: and i kno where she went 

tg: ;)

tg: you two tho

tt: No comment.

tg: luv the radio silence from jakes end

gg: Jake hates confrontation and Dirk was probably too drunk to remember much. I imagine the evening was pretty uneventful.

tg: ha

tt: Are you headed home yet?

tg: nope im back at solluxez

tg: were onto somethin

__

The picture was dated to 2013; Jack looked every bit as scruffy but his eyes were softer, his arm thrown around a young chubby woman’s shoulders. 

Roxy pouted, glanced up at Sollux. “So, that’s a yes on the gf front.”

“Why can’t you pronounce words like a normal person?” ne replied. Roxy read the underlying ‘yes’.

“Cool,” she sat back. “Is she missing?”

Sollux shook nir head. “Still in Virginia.”

“Hm.”

“She was the one to report his disappearance, though.”

Roxy nodded. “‘Kay, that makes sense.”

“Do you think Scary Woman tee-em is threatening her?”

“It’d explain loads.”

Sollux bit nir lip, hummed. “So contacting her would be ridiculously easy but questionably helpful.”

“Might get her in trouble, too.”

“Yeah,” Sollux grimaced. “Didn’t think of that.”

“That’s why I’m here,” Roxy leaned in again, reread her name; Maria Susan Paint. “Jesus, that’s the whitest momest name I’ve seen.”

“And she’s not even white.”

“I-k-r.” She crawled up to her knees, faced Sollux. “Let’s just text Noir her name.”

Sollux raised an eyebrow. “That’d freak him out.”

“He’d have to talk to me then.”

Sollux scowled, snorted. “You really want that baseball game, huh?”

__

tg: hey so how come dirk led u to our place

gt: Well, i couldn’t exactly take him to mine now, could i?

tg: tru

tg: but

tg: he really doesnt do that

gt: What? bring people to his place?

tg: trust u

tg: soo

gt: Well, he was pretty inebriated.

tg: hm

gt: People behave in unusual ways under influence.

tg: yea ive heard something abt that

gt: Gosh, right! i’m sorry, that was probably insensitive.

tg: ?? lmao it wasnt chill

tg: i mean ure obv deflecting but lol

tg: did he get like super desperate to get there asap

tg: aaand no reply thats a yes

gt: Roxy, is everything alright? with dirk, with the four of you...

tg: well like

tg: dont tell anyone but our parents are dead

gt: Roxy.

tg: last time u offered help u did shoot him

tg: sorry that keeps being brought up but,,,,u totes did shoot him

gt: No, i understand.

gt: Gah. hope it all works out.

tg: same

__

tt: Well I regret everything.

AA: morning to you too!

AA: any reason you’re messaging me privately?

tt: Heard you scored.

tt: Here for the gossip.

AA: 0u0

tt: Hell yeah.

AA: 0u0

tt: You’re not going to tell me anything, are you?

AA: No, but you can vent if you want to!

tt: How generous.

AA: don’t act like you won’t take me up on it.

__

TA: soooooo.

AA: 0u0

TA: hell yes.

__

**nonconspicuous groupchat**

CC: I can’t believe my girlfriend is going to convert Jade Harley via political lesbianism!

GA: Feferi, No.

TA: feferi yes.

TA: aa yes.

TA: aa stands for me screaming because holy fuck i love her.

CC: same!

TA: we have so much in common.

CC: ;D

GA: I Cannot Believe Feferi is going to convert Sollux Captor via

TA: eat me.

GA: God Damn It. Feferi Works Fast.

TG: yoooooo i slept in what did i miss

TA: scroll up.

TG: yo

TG: YO ARADIA NICE

__

TG: so i hear youre back to being chummy w the cursed kin

TG: the hellbent menaces

TG: the scum of the mortal world

GG: uh, good morning to you too, dave!

TG: ploys up harley i know you sucked faces with a girl

TG: was going to say a demon but now i just sound like a republican

TG: either way i think its a one way ride to hell in your dads book

GG: um, my dad is dead.

TG: same but anyways

TG: how was it

GG: dave!

TG: hey gotta ask

TG: aradia is mad hot and i never stood a chance so

GG: dave!!

TG: just stating the apparent and obviously shared opinion

TG: i mean its not like she doesnt know i have a raging hardon for her i told her that the night we met

GG: you did?

TG: you didnt?

GG: well.

GG: not in those words!

TG: hahah i love u

TG: uh

GG: ive missed you too, tg.

GG: dave.

GG: shuck!

GG: <3

TG: hahahah this is lame but im also ridiculously giddy

TG: <3

TG: the cold shoulder thing between us is over now i can go back to talking to you normally right

GG: didn’t think i’d ever be saying this but please do??? please yes!!

TG: done and done

TG: cant believe i ever woobiefied you when you could have been kicking my ass all this time

GG: i know, right?

TG: welcome back gg

GG: good game indeed :B

TG: hahah fuck you went there

TG: okay this is going to be a weird q but

TG: is john freaked out because i like boys

__

tt: **http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/statutory_rape**

TG: so youre the weird wikipedia articles kinda hungover type

TG: not gonna judge i marathoned the entire rwby series once

TG: lowkey want pyrrha nykos to punch me in the face

tt: Nice deflecting there, bro.

TG: eat a dick

tt: Tsk. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

TG: how rude my mom is dead

tt: Eyes widen in surprise.

TG: looks away teary eyed and all

tt: Awkwardly taps your shoulder.

tt: Bro.

tt: My mother fucking died too.

TG: fuck bro

TG: we have so much in common

tt: I feel like I’ve known you all* my life.

TG: thats gay

tt: Well, bro, do I have something to tell you.

TG: next youll tell me youre not human or something

tt: Now, not that this isn’t fun.

tt: Bro.

TG: bro

tt: But,

tt: Hypothetically.

tt: If you knew a fifteen year old kid was getting up and personal with genitalia twice his age.

tt: What would you have me do.

TG: well first id inquire how this kid ran into so many sentient genitals

tt: Funny you ask, cause.

tt: This guy I ran into yesterday was a real dick and from what he said you know each other very personally. Biblically, even?

**(TG is offline!)**

tt: Sigh.

tt: I’ll just get Rose.

TG: ok im here

tt: So Rose is the magic word.

tt: My.

TG: do you need to be a dick about this or do you have something you want me to say

tt: He said three years ago.

TG: what

tt: You know damn well what I’m talking about.

TG: ok so i did stupid shit

TG: so did you and so did roxy

TG: so would have rose if she didnt fall in lesbians in middle school

TG: i grew up im alive all is good

tt: He said three years.

tt: That’s a lot of years.

TG: wow dude thats deep

tt: **[bro](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/73/f6/54/73f654b55c52f8d108d772f8fc2e7992.jpg)**

TG: what do you want dirk

tt: I don’t know.

tt: To apologize, I guess.

TG: what

TG: why

tt: I let it happen.

TG: what the fuck are you talking about

tt: I don’t have a problem with spelling it out, bro.

TG: you didnt let shit happen you asshole youre not my dad youre not even my legal guardian

TG: you were a fucked up teen stop acting like the world needs you to pull all the strings

tt: The world is doing a crappy job of convincing me otherwise.

TG: well the world doesnt blame you for shit so you can relax

tt: Metaphors always get out of hand with you.

tt: **[youre my world bro](http://semi-rad.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Super-stoked-bro-hug-1.jpg)**

TG: **[bro](http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/mspaintadventures/images/4/43/Where_making_this_happen.PNG/revision/latest?cb=20091116012941)**

tt: Aw.

TG: so am i free to go now or what

tt: You were always free to go.

TG: you know what i mean dont be a dick about this

TG: are you going to tell them

tt: I should.

TG: it wouldnt change shit everyone would just be awkward and you know roxy would blame herself

TG: like theres anything to blame anyone for i just did a dumb thing a couple of times

tt: You were fifteen.

TG: and you were seventeen check and mate

tt: You needed an adult.

TG: yeah i guess we all did

TG: fortuna is a bitch and all that

tt: Are you trying to distract me with Carmina Burana references?

TG: is it working

tt: God, Dave.

tt: Fine.

tt: Won’t tell anyone anything, against my better judgement.

TG: cool thanks bye

tt: Though.

tt: Give me names and I’ll kill every single one of them.

TG: jesus CHRIST

**(TG blocked tt)**

tt: You should really tell them, yknow.

__

There was hectic knocking on her door; Jade pushed it open with her foot, raised an eyebrow at John’s panicked face.

“What did you do with the demon girl?”

“John!” Jade pulled him into the room, slammed the doors shut. “Could that have been any louder?”

“I know that’s a rhetorical question but, yes, yes it could have been and it will be unless I get some answers!” John stomped his foot. “What the hell, Jade?!”

“What the hell right back at you!” Jade hissed. “And, jesus, keep your voice down!”

John pressed his lips together, kept staring.

Jade sighed. “We just kissed a little.”

“ _Just?!_.”

She shushed him again. “It’s not that big of a deal!”

“How is that not that big of a deal? She’s a demon! That you’d had just met!” John was, at least, whispering too; not too effectively but she appreciated the effort. “And she has a girlfriend? That you know? What’s going on!!”

“She’s polyamorous.”

John blinked. 

Jade crossed her arms. “I gave you a leaflet for that too.”

“You did?”

“The handmade one.”

“Oh!”

She chuckled.

John pushed his hands into the pockets of his pants, looked away. “So, uh.”

 

“Yes?” Wow, this was super awkward.

“Is her girlfriend a demon too?”

Jade scowled. “No.”

“Are you going to date them?”

“No!” Okay, that was too fast. “Maybe.”

John’s eyebrows flew up. “Jade—”

“John, _please_.” She started pacing, face on fire. “I don’t know what I’m doing and I promise you’ll know when I figure it out but—”

“Are you leaving the Protector business?”

She stopped pacing. John was looking at her from the foot of her bed (when did he sit down), eyes calm, free of judgement.

Jade’s shoulders slumped. “Maybe.”

John bit his lip, nodded. Appeared to be thinking. “How will you tell dad?”

“Hey, I didn’t decide yet—”

“Jade.”

She bit her lip, looked away.

“At least it’s not for a boy,” John shrugged. “Then again,I don’t think it being for a girl makes it much better.”

“John.”

“Maybe two girls makes it okay—”

“ _John._ ” Jade interrupted him. Her cheeks were overheating. “All I did with Aradia was make out once and Feferi and I had one coffee and talked for a few days and I don’t even know if the things would work between us.”

John frowned. “So you’re saying—”

“If I do leave the business,” she breathed. “It’ll be because I think it’s the right thing to do.”

John wasn’t saying anything. 

“I don’t think we’re in the right any more.”

“Huh.”

She chewed on her lip. A minute passed. 

“God, John, say something—”

“I don’t want to fight dad.” John said. 

Jade started.

“I don’t want to fight Albert or Jake or Jane or _you_ but I also don’t want to fight Dave or Rose or their family and this Aradia girl seemed really nice and—” he paused for breath. He looked like he was about to freak out. “I don’t know what to do!”

She walked over, fell onto the bed next to him. He followed her lead in lying down, turned to face her.

“This is so fucking stupid,” he muttered.

Jade nodded.

“Do you think they’ll try to stop us?”

“They’d never.”

“My dad killed my mum.”

She pursed her lips. His eyes were glossy.

“We don’t know that.”

“Ha.”

“Oh, John.” She reached over to squeeze his hand. “It’ll be okay.”

“Sure.”

“We’ll make it okay.”

He laughed.

“You should talk to Dave.”

He frowned. “Why?”

“He wants to talk to you.”

He bit his lip. 

“I talked to him.”

“Got that much, yeah!”

She sighed, rolled over to her back. “He misses us both.”

“What about Rose?”

She clenched her jaw, didn’t reply.

“I miss Rose.”

Tears came uninvited. She could hear John suck in a breath. “So do I.”

He hooked a finger around hers, stayed there in silence. She cried in silence, shoulders heaving; there was snot in her nose when the fit was over, a dull ache in her chest.

__

“So.”

Aradia looked up at her girlfriend. “So?”

“Is she a good kisser?”

Aradia laughed, pull her girlfriend into her lap. Feferi didn’t need much pulling. “Yeah.”

“Called it,” she settled on Aradia’s lap, put her hands on Aradia’s shoulders. “What else did she say?”

“She likes you.”

“Oh, shut up.” Feferi looked away, mock-bashfulness hiding the real thing. “But about you being a demon?”

“That freaked her out a little.”

Feferi’s face fell.

“She was more worried about how the three of us dating would work, though.”

Feferi raised her eyebrows. “She—”

“Is interested in trying.” Aradia nodded. “After she decides to leave the family business, I suppose.”

“Don’t you mean ‘if’—”

“I know what I said.”

Feferi laughed, nuzzled her face into Aradia’s hair. “Gosh, I really hope you’re right about this!”

“We can make a bet.”

__

tg: sooo 

TG: so

tg: howd it go w you and johnnyboy

TG: what

TG: we drank free soda and ignored each others existence if thats what youre asking

TG: an hour and a half with our faces in our phones like proper millennials i do not half ass this generational stereotype thing 

tg: i know u would never babe

tg: so soda huh nothing stronger

TG: im 18 whered i get something stronger

tg: dave 

TG: hahah right but can you imagine

tg: i mean aradia says she didnt serve u anything stronKer but maybe you got someone to buy it for u idk you have that twink vibe going on

TG: wow mom thanks

TG: that was a completely appropriate sisterly compliment right there if i ever saw one

tg: no look its a family thing we cant deny it

tg: were all pretty and you and dirk together weigh as much as one jake english

TG: right but hes a beefcake

tg: i know??

TG: dreamy sighing all the way

tg: dont let ur brother hear u

TG: why do all our conversations end up here

tg: idk i regret some things

tg: ok i was actually on a mission

TG: wait you mean to tell me you did not message me just to talk about how buff dirks old crush is

tg: it was one of the reasons

tg: buuuut ye i heard some worrying things about your clubbing habits and thought its time i mom you around a little

tg: okay ur not replying guess i hit that nail on the head

tg: on the turntechGodhead haa

tg: ok dave im not mad at you or anything i drank a shitton too god knows where id be if distri and randomly jane werent popping up to save me from the warm embrace of dubious hookups

tg: like old men liked me alrite

tg: dave

TG: yeah im sorry

TG: im also laughing cause like i honestly thought he wouldnt tell

tg: um 

tg: backtrack a little babe who has something to tell

tg: rose told me u have a habit of drinking too much while out thats all

tg: did something happen?

TG: oh

TG: no yeah that was what i was on about

TG: yeah ill cut down on the booze when out thanks for the talk this was really nice lets do it again sometime

tg: dave?

TG: seriously drop it

tg: aight

tg: ill take ur word on the booze also !

TG: thanks youre the coolest

tg: if u ever need a wingman fingerguns

tg: i mean u could probably just ask jade shes apparently good at it

TG: are you saying ask jade to be my winggirl or 

Tg: winggir winggirl!!! 

Tg: @the other thing you WISH lmao

TG: fuck all these accusations coming my way today and i cant even disagree

tg: tbh

tg: her arms are really nice too

TG: i know right fuck their entire family

tg: in every sense of the word

__

tg: are you the he

tt: Are you asking if that’s my pronoun of choice then, yes, why, thank you for asking.

tt: I’m not usually asked that this late into an acquaintanceship but I’ll take it.

tg: yeah im cool like that 

tg: do you know something about dave that i should know about

tt: I know his credit card number if you want to make prank ebay purchases.

tg: ill pass on the offer also wtf

tt: I have yours too.

tg: still wtfing

tt: Would you like an explanation?

tg: nah ill ignorance is bliss this one

tg: is dave ok

tt: Do you have a reason to think he’s not?

tg: (screenshot)

tt: Ah.

tg: so i guess he was right thinking you wouldnt spill

tt: You’d be correct.

tg: rose said he takes after me

tg: in clubs and shit

tg: but hed go out to feed and oh my god

tg: im so stupid god

tg: where was i

tt: Roxy, it’s not your fault.

tg: holy shit im right arent i

tt: You were not doing well, no one blames you.

tg: this isnt about me

tg: dirk

tg: dirk oh my god

**(tg is offline!)**

tt: Well.

tt: At least we know you two are related.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i always get the cool pokemans when editing this fic today it was dewgong
> 
> huge thanks to everyone who left a review or a kudos you have no idea how happy those make me <3 hope u all have a great day


	15. Chapter 15

**tipsyGnostalgic** started messaging **spadesSlick**

tg: nice username

SS: who is this?

tg: u can call me rolal

tg: seductive wink that reminds u of your daughter

tg: wait actually do u have a daughter i just saw the ladyfriend but who knows

SS: oh, for fuck’s sake.

SS: you’re the girl from the club.

tg: that didnt look like a q but yep !

SS: you really don’t know how to back off.

tg: excuse u i know perfectly well how to i just dont wanna

tg: ok ur giving me a cold shoulder i can respect that

tg: maria susan paint tho

SS: what do you want?

tg: lmao it worked

SS: kid.

tg: ok right dad

tg: ummm i rly hope that didnt trigger some sorta fetish response i wasnt planning on that

SS: stop.

tg: rite

tg: ok so is condy threatening the lady cause if so we can totes help

SS: all the help i need from you is for you to stop pushing your nose into my bloody business.

tg: ok anything but that bc thats not happenin soz

SS: you’re tiring.

tg: ive been told!

SS: this conversation is over.

tg: im gonna tell her where to find u

SS: you won’t.

tg: correction i dont wanna

tg: but i will if i have to

tg: :(

SS: what do you want.

tg: info

SS: what “”info””.

tg: wow ok middle aged man from the eighties

SS: was that supposed to be a jab?

SS: i am a middle aged man from the eighties.

tg: ok when u put it that way

tg: wheres condy and whats she doin

SS: nobody knows where she is.

SS: she’s where she wants to be, i guess.

tg: so u know what shes doin

SS: didn’t say that.

tg: but u do

SS: remind me to never have kids.

tg: well u said ur middleaged i think ur bio clock is kinda tickin

SS: she wants some grandeur type pseudo-dictatorship. 

tg: hows she gonna get it

SS: fuck if i know.

tg: but shes building an army

SS: apparently.

tg: jane would not be a part of that army tho

SS: well look at the little brainiac.

tg: what does she want like a hostage

tg: blackmail material

tg: secrets

SS: what is this, a game of hot and cold?

tg: a heiress?

tg: nah thatd be stupid

tg: (jk i totally got it rite)

SS: roxy.

tg: aw u used my name

SS: is that all?

tg: come on u must have some good info

SS: this is a suicide mission you’re setting yourself on.

tg: yea lemme worry about that

SS: you can’t beat her, kid.

tg: u dont know me

SS: guess you’re right.

SS: **untitled.docx**

SS: good luck.

__

**dpa**

tg: heya whos the mvp

gt: You?

tg: ditch the qmark babe u got it

gt: So, i’m to assume there are some good news?

tg: ehhhh not sure on the epithet but there sure are news

tg: davey start adding people

TG: on it mom

TG: you rock mom

tg: <3

gt: Eh. 

**turntechGodhead** added **carcinoGenecist**

tt: Priorities.

TG: shut your fat mouth cindy

CG: uh, hi?

GG: karkat?

CG: oh, hey, jade.

GG: long time no see!

CG: yeah, happens when you try to kidnap me.

GG: we weren’t going to kidnap you!

CG: …

GG: okay maybe a little.

GG: sorry :(

gt: Likewise, my friend! you must understand the tensions were high and lines blurred. hope there are no harsh feelings?

CG: i’ll pepper spray you again, asshole.

tt: Damn, Dave, you got a feisty one.

**turntechGodhead** added **apocalypseArisen**

TG: didnt i tell you to be quiet or something smh

AA: hello!

TG: whats up jade arent going to say hi to this one

GG: um, hello, stranger! :B

AA: right. 

AA: nice meeting you, for the very first time.

gt: Didn’t you two see each other at the club?

gg: Good god, Jake. 

tt: Ha.

**turntechGodhead** added **twinArmaggedons**

TA: i dont want to be here.

TA: omg, the people who broke into my apartment, how nice finally meeting you.

gt: Welp.

tt: Face your mistakes, English.

TG: @button is free bro

tt: I literally wrote out his name.

tt: Bro.

tg: omg were all going to die

AA: well, mortality is unavoidable!

**turntechGodhead** added **cuttlefishCuller**

CC: oh, hi?? Didn’t think i’d be added here!

TA: ok no what is she here for?

TG: roxy told me to add people

TA: yeah but not civilians, you dumb fuck.

CG: im a civilian.

TA: you know what, you’re absolutely right.

**twinArmaggedons** removed **carcinoGenecist** from the conversation!

gg: Do you need a minute?

TA: yes, thank you, use the break to go fuck yourself.

CC: sollux!

**twinArmaggedons** removed **cuttlefishCuller** from the conversation!

tg: le sighn

**tipsyGnostalgic** banned **twinArmaggedons** from editing this conversation!

**tipsyGnostalgic** added **carcinoGenecist** to the conversation!

TG: haa eat dirt

**tipsyGnostalgic** added **cuttlefishCuller** to the conversation!

TA: you’re pathetic.

**tipsyGnostalgic** added **grimAuxiliatrix** to the conversation!

TG: jokes on you i get off on humiliation

**tipsyGnostalgic** added **porrimMaryam** to the conversation!

TA: was that a thinly veiled request?

CG: jesus *christ*, shut up!!

gg: I agree with Sollux’s roommate.

CG: i have a name!

TG: yeah tell them solluxs roommate

tt: Was it a thinly veiled request, though?

TT: I am so glad I’ve chosen this moment to return.

tg: oh thank god rose someone here to save our familys face in public

PM: I’d say it’s somewhat late for that. 

GA: Well, This Sure Is A Party.

AA: as one would say, yup!

CC: hahah!

CC: oh, hey, jade!

gt: You know her?

gg: Jake, seriously?

GG: we’ve met in college!

CC: ohhh, right! 8;D

gt: I’m not sure i understand?

tt: Roxy mentioned news.

TG: my are you helping the enemy deflect

gt: Who’s deflecting?

GG: no one!!! What are the news?

tg: **jack noir is a doofus nerd .docx**

EB: wow, this chat sure grew overnight!

EB: ooh, what’s that?

TA: holy shit.

__

“She wants a heiress.” 

Roxy nodded, fingers tapping away against her mug. Jane, sat to John’s right, stared into empty air.

“And you think it’s me?”

“It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

They were in Roxy and Dirk’s apartment—Roxy had announced that, with Jake already having had visited, there was no point in keeping it a secret (“plus, no noisy parent figures and that shiz”). He came over with Jane; Jade had classes that they insisted she go to and Jake made a really shitty excuse for staying home—so here they were now, John and Jane sat on the couch, Roxy in the chair facing them, Dave and his friend doing something in the kitchen. 

John felt a bit nauseous. 

“Why does she want a heiress?” he asked. “I mean, doesn’t your species live for a ridiculously long time?”

“We’re still mortal,” Roxy said. Pointedly looked at Jane. “Plus, I don’t know, maybe she wants company.”

Jane shook her head. “But why _me_?”

“Beats us,” Dirk was suddenly in the room too; John jumped in his seat. He’d barely ever seen the guy before, save for in pictures and that one time in the park when he was half-dead so that didn’t really count; he looked kind of underwhelming in real life, still super thin and super tired.

(and could probably still serve John’s ass back to him, no, look away)

“Troll out of the dungeon!” Roxy mock-gasped. Dirk walked up behind her, ruffled her hair; she laughed into the touch. “But, yeah, we’re not sure.”

“She came to Cal for Nancy.” 

“Cal?” John’s mouth was faster than his tongue, again.

Dirk’s face turned ever-so-slightly in his direction. John swallowed.

“She wanted something from your mother,” Dirk went on. “Nancy apparently refused her. Maybe it’s her way of getting revenge?”

Jane bit her lip, nodded. 

Roxy looked up at Dirk, back at them. Met John’s eyes, raised her eyebrows in question; John shrugged.

“Karkat’s getting pizza,” Dave was suddenly at the doorway— _thank god_. “Any wishes?”

Jane didn’t react. John tried nudging her with his shoulder, shook his head ‘no’.

Dirk was smirking. “He’s getting you food now, huh?”

“Yeah, he’s checking all the points on the bucket list.” Dave’s reply was dry. “Yes-no, he’s dialing as we speak.”

“Beggars can’t be choosers.”

“How is that—no, nevermind.” Dave leaned back into the kitchen. “They said they want pineapple.

A disembodied voice— “You know that I can hear them, right?”

“And like, Rose wants the one with two cracked eggs and a hotdog that looks like a dick— _ow_ , Jesus, okay!”

John watched Dave get dragged back into the kitchen. Roxy snorted. 

Jane was still not saying anything.

“Um.” John shifted at his seat. Tried catching Roxy’s eyes; she looked lost, almost apologetic.

Dirk suddenly flinched.

Roxy was up almost immediately. “What—”

“ _Nothing,_ ” he snapped; his hand was mid-air, as if he was about to—what? John really didn’t know. John really didn’t know what was going on most of the time. “I’m—I’m going back to work.”

“Dirk—”

They watched him leave. Roxy slumped, sighed.

“Um,” John said again.

Jane blinked, apparently awoken by Dirk’s outburst (kind of an outburst? Wasn’t really that dramatic but—agh, he was getting sidetracked by his own thought process). 

“Hey, John?” Roxy suddenly said. “Could you maybe do me a solid and go check on my boys there in the kitchen?”

John blinked. “Uh, sure?”

“Thanks.” The smile she gave him was blinding. “I owe you.”

“Consider it a repayment for kidnapping your brother,” Jane said wryly.

“That’s totes a fair trade, thanks.”

A moment of silence. Both Jane and Roxy kept giving him looks.

Finally it hit him. “Right. I’ll go, then.”

He entered the kitchen without knocking, realized a second too late it might be a good idea. Karkat and Dave didn’t appear to be engaged in any sort of raunchy activity, though, so he assumed he was good.

“Hey, guys!”

Karkat looked up from the kettle he was apparently trying to heat up with the sheer power of an angry look, pfft. Dave was sprawled across the counter, barely moved an inch upon John’s arrival.

“Sup,” he nodded. “Ladies kicked you out already?”

John pushed his hands into his front pockets, giggled nervously. “Ha, yeah.”

“Thank god you knew how to take a hint,” Karkat was fiddling the stove. “They both deserve a break.”

Dave looked back at Karkat—John felt almost jealous at how relaxed his whole posture became. “So you’re past holding the grudge against the woman who trashed your place?”

“Yes, surprisingly, I’m capable of getting over my own infantile manpain for five whole minutes.” Karkat snapped. The kettle started making noises.

“So, uh.” John swung on his feet. “You’re making more tea?”

Dave tensed again. John tried to not feel hurt. “Yeah. Karkat’s becoming a proper anglophile here.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“He’ll be faking an accent in a few.”

“I’ll push you off the counter.”

Dave arched his back in a mockery of a seductive gesture, threw his head back. “Fuck yeah, exhibitionism _and_ dirty talk.”

Karkat looked nonplussed. 

John awkwardly cleared his throat.

“Right.” Dave sat up; his face was a little red. “So. Uh. How’s it going.”

Karkat was double-facepalming.

John wasn’t sure what to do. “Do you want me to leave?”

Dave didn’t say anything. John felt his stomach drop, that annoyingly familiar sensation in the pit of his chest.

Karkat let out an exaggerated sigh. “No, John, you can stay.”

Dave was still not saying anything. Karkat kicked him.

“I mean, I get why—” Speaking was becoming difficult. Damn it! “I’ll just. Uh.”

“Don’t be stupid, sit down.” Karkat gestured towards the counter chairs. “Plus, Roxy and Jane need to stew over some feelings and unless you want to talk to Dirk—”

“I don’t.”

Dave snickered; that was progress?

“As I was saying,” Karkat gave him an almost amused look. “I’m sure we can tolerate your presence.”

Well. John guessed he should be happy with that.

The kettle was boiling. Karkat pulled out another cup, started messing with the chamomile leaves.

John kept sneaking what he hoped were subtle glances at Dave. Jade had told him he wanted to talk but it really didn’t look like—

“You know, maybe I should go find Dirk,” Dave stood up. 

Both Karkat and John eyed him. 

“Yeah, he’s been having a really bad morning,” Dave went on. “Should probably be a good brother, all that.”

“Really,” Karkat’s voice was dry.

“Extra really, the really-iestier.” Dave nodded. “Family bonds are sacred, ask John, you can bond over it while I—right.” He took a step back, halted. “I’ll go do that.”

The doors swung closed after him. John groaned, set his face onto the counter.

“Why is he such a parody of himself?” Karkat mused.

John whined again.

“Okay, you stop that.” There was a cup being slammed onto the counter next to him, an overwhelming presence right in his personal space. “I’m serious, face me!”

“No.” John was good at being stubborn. This guy had no idea what he was in for.

“Really, John Egbert? Really? The youngest kid stunt?” Two palms, on each side of his face. “Well, I am the youngest child too, and I am the fucking _champion_ of the spoiled brat act, so give it up.”

John’s previous emotional weirdness was slowly turning into hysteria. “No!”

Karkat growled. “John.”

“Muh-nuh.”

A sigh. Then a sound of the cup being lifted—

John flinched as something scolding hot and soggy hit his arm, jumped back in his seat. “What the fuck?!”

Karkat looked smug, a wet tea bag in hand. “Consider yourself lucky I didn’t just pour it on you.”

“That’s not funny, that hurts!”

Karkat raised an eyebrow. 

John looked away. “Okay, point.”

“Now, ready to tell me what your deal is?”

John pressed his lips together. 

Karkat sighed. “Sure, I have the whole day.”

“Oh man, am I keeping you from your tea making business?” John did his best clueless wide-eyed look. “I’m so sorry, Karkat, please go back to this very important job immediately!”

Karkat was frowning back at him. “I can see why you and Dave are friends.”

John laughed; it came out, well, really bitter. “Sure.”

Karkat looked tired. “Oh, god damn it.”

“What?”

“I should be getting paid for this.”

John felt his smile strain. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Dave misses you, even I can tell that.” Karkat sat down, rolled his eyes.

“Why the ‘even’?”

“Don’t deflect,” Karkat warned. “Seriously, just go talk to him.”

John hesitated for a second before wrapping both arms around his torso. “Well, it didn’t go very well just now.”

“That’s because he’s an idiot too.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Karkat was picking at his sweater sleeve. “I mean, it’s a fucking awkward situation.”

John shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Plus he thinks you’re freaked out by his number on the Kinsey scale.”

John looked up at that.

“The Kinsey scale? You know, the attraction—”

“I know what a Kinsey scale is, I have internet.” John’s turn to roll his eyes. “But, wait.”

Karkat nodded.

“Seriously?”

“Well.” Karkat was sort of staring him down; his eyes were kind of really large, round. “Are you?”

“No!” John replied; maybe too quickly. Karkat raised an eyebrow. “I mean, he’s not the first queer person I’ve met!”

Karkat grimaced. “Right, quick question.”

“Yeah?”

“Are you straight?”

John felt his cheeks heat up. “Uh, yeah?”

“Uh, well,” Karkat mocked. “Don’t use that word, then.”

“What, queer?”

For a person John assumed to be around his age, Karkat’s resemblance to a tired middle-aged high school teacher was uncanny. “Yes, John, that one.”

“Okay, sorry, didn’t know you were touchy about that.”

And now the high school teacher was annoyed too. “It’s not about me, it’s about showing some god damn respect for the people whose oppression you benefit from!”

“Okay, fine, jeez.”

A long, shaky intake of breath. 

John watched him, smiling serenely. “Meditating?”

“You do know I still have boiling water left, right?”

John pulled a face. “Wow, you’re grumpy.”

“I’m trying very hard to play nice here.”

John rolled his eyes again, laughed.

“Seriously.” Karkat was focused on him again. “Are you going to give him shit for liking boys?”

“No!”

“Well, sorry for asking!” Karkat was getting defensive, wow. “You weren’t doing such a great job of convincing me otherwise!”

“Well, sorry yourself!” John sat up. “Didn’t realise my allyship was being re-tested here!”

“Are you aware of how infuriating you’re being—”

“Dave’s been my friend for way longer than he knew you—”

“Aw, were the scars he came back from your house with a trendy friendship bracelet replacement?”

John pressed his lips together, leaned back. Karkat was breathing heavily.

“You’re a dick,” John concluded.

Karkat barked out a laugh. “Takes one to know one, perineum-face.”

“Ha, I actually know what a perineum is.”

“Well fuck me gently with a seesaw, we have a wunderkid on our hands!”

John felt irrationally pissed off. “Can you stop being so high-y and mighty-y for, like, one minute, and talk to me like a normal person?”

Karkat raised both eyebrows, laughed into his face.

John felt his fists clench. “You know, I’ve known Dave since he was _twelve_.”

“Yes, you’ve mentioned your long-lasting friendship already.” Karkat was trying (and failing, ha) to sound aloof. 

“Shut up, I’m talking!” John wasn’t even trying. “I was his friend way before you knew him and whatever you two have going on started and I do _no_ need your advice on how to be his friend now!”

Karkat’s aloof face was gone. John realized he was panting.

“ _Al_ right,” Karkat mouthed. “And to think you called _me_ touchy.”

“Oh, shut up!” John pushed the chair back, got off. “This is dumb.”

“Get your ass back here, we’re finishing this talk!”

“It’s finished!”

“John Egbert—” Karkat was pulling him back; John easily knocked him off. Underestimated how dedicated the aforementioned was to this cause, though; felt Karkat latch onto his back, staggered backwards.

“What are you doing— hey!” John flailed— Karkat finally stepped back. “What the fuck, seriously?!”

Karkat looked almost excited. “Are you jealous?”

John spluttered. 

A grin spread across Karkat’s face. “Well screw me, you are.”

“No!”

“You are.”

“I’m not!”

“Holy fuck.”

“Shut up, I’m not jealous of you!”

“Wait, do you have a thing for Dave?”

“No, gross!” John was going to leave, why was he not leaving. “Told you I’m straight!”

“You sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure!”

“You’re reacting very strongly for someone who doesn’t have an ulterior motive.”

“What kind of an ulterior motive—Dave’s my friend!”

“He can have multiple friends, you know.”

“I do know that, shut up!”

“You need to stop getting pissy every time someone’s better at being his friend than you are, especially if you insist on being such a—”

“What does he even see in you? Kind of thought he’d have better taste, considering he hit on Jade that one time—”

“Well that sentence sure dispersed all my qualms about accusing you of jealousy—”

“Well _sorry_ if I’m tired of all my friends finding someone to date and deciding I’m less important!”

Karkat stopped talking. John realized he was shaking.

“Well, I’ll be damned.” Karkat leaned back. “I’ve spent five months torn between literature and psychology majors to end up actually doing both.” 

“Doing what.” John felt weird. Oversharing was weird. He _really_ wanted to go. Maybe he should have gone and talked to Dirk, he doubted that one would have made him talk about his _feelings, ew_.

“Abandonment issues, figures.” Karkat was muttering, watching John out of the corner of his eye. “And you’re sure you have no feelings for Dave?”

“No!” John was getting frustrated. “I mean, he’s my best friend, yeah, but so is Rose and I don’t want to date her either!”

Karkat hummed.

“I mean, I kind of thought I did at one point but now I’m not so sure?” Why was he still talking. “Her being gay sort of killed it at the root but, I don’t know, Jade always reacted way stronger to all that love-y stuff.”

“Yeah.”

“But yeah, the point is, I’m not into Dave!” He laughed. “I mean, I’m actually kind of glad for you two? He seemed really happy, texting you in the club.”

Karkat’s eyes were suddenly very focused on the floor. “We’re not together.”

John frowned. “Oh?”

“Mhm.”

“But you want to be?”

“Hey, guess what this conversation is about?”

“Karkat used ‘deflection’,” John jumped to the side. “But nothing happened!”

Karkat was watching him like he was having a stroke. “What.”

“You like him, you like him!”

“Weren’t you telling me how you’re jealous of your friend’s datemates not a full minute ago?”

“That was way over a minute ago, your time detection is fucked.”

Karkat’s brows were furrowed. “I’m not letting that line of conversation drop, asshole, this is something you legitimately need to talk to people about.”

“Um, nice try, but I can use deflection too!” He did his best pidgey impression. 

Karkat wasn’t impressed. “Do you feel your friends don’t value your relationships enough?”

“Ha-a, you make it sound like I’m mass dating all of my friends.”

“Friendships are relationships too, stop being so twelve.” Karkat swatted John’s wing-hands down. “Time and effort has to be put into those too.”

John begrudgingly agreed to stand still. “Well, duh, but…” He made a noncommittal hand-motion. “Don’t think a lot of people would agree with you there!”

Karkat crossed his hands against his chest, tilted an eyebrow. “Is that so?”

“Yeah!” John scowled. “Put that look away, you know I’m right!”

“I know no such thing.”

“Shut up, dating is super important-er to people!” John hated himself for still being involved in this discussion. “Like, falling in love is one of the most important milestones of a human life.”

“Is it now?”

John’s scowl deepened. “I’m just saying it like it is!”

“Like you’ve been taught to think.”

“Ugh, why do you have to be this way?”

“What way?” Karkat laughed again. “Queer?”

“Stop putting words in my mouth!”

“Quick question—”

“Those always go well!”

Karkat ignored him. “Ever had a crush?”

John was speechless for a second. Karkat kept watching him. 

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, have you?”

“Why— none of your business!”

“‘Cause it seems to me like all of your problems would be solved if you had a romantic subplot of your own.”

John was getting really worked up, and didn’t know why. “Well, okay, I don’t!”

“And never did?”

“Stop being so creepy!”

Karkat’s eyes softened. “It’s okay if you don’t get one, too.”

John stopped at that; wasn’t really sure how to react.

“Like, there are other people who don’t do that—”

“What, like, aromantic people?”

It was obvious from Karkat’s face he had not seen that one coming. “You know the term?”

“Yeah, Jake’s aroace.” John grinned. “That stands for aromantic asexual—”

“I know what aroace means!”

John’s grin grew. “You have the internet?”

Karkat looked torn between angry and impressed. “Okay, so you mean to tell me—”

“Yeah?”

“That a close family member of yours is both aromantic and asexual and you still could not tell the signs?”

John’s grin fell. “What signs?”

Karkat’s exasperated teacher face was back. “John.”

“I don’t know what you’re implying!”

“I’m not implying shit, just saying that if you are—”

“What? Aroace?”

“Was aiming at just aromantic, but, sure.” Karkat humphed. “Why am I the one giving you this talk, your cousin should deal with that.”

“He’s technically my uncle.”

“Like I give a shit.”

They stood in silence for a while. John felt super awkward again.

“I’ll go find Dave,” Karkat finally said. “He’s probably hiding in the bathroom or something.”

John snorted. “Probably.”

“I’ll make him talk to you.”

John’s heart dropped. “You really don’t need to—”

“Like hell I don’t, you two are a mess.” Karkat dragged a hand against his face, exhaled. “Stay here.”

“I’m not a kid!”

“Not physically, maybe.” Karkat was already leaving the kitchen. “Don’t hurt yourself while I’m gone.”

__

Dave walked past them and into his room, face red. They both watched him go; Jane turned to Roxy once he was out of sight, a question in her eyes.

“Dunno,” Roxy replied. “He does that.”

Jane nodded. There was a sound of muffled, slowly rising voices coming from the kitchen.

“I really hope pizza de-escalates the situation,” Roxy added as an afterthought.

Jane nodded again. 

They sat in tense silence for a few more minutes; Roxy kept chewing on the nail of her thumb, picking at the faded black varnish. The seconds seemed to drag on. Voices in the kitchen kept bickering.

“Sorry about Callie,” Jane finally spoke up.

Roxy looked over. “Uh.”

Jane really did look apologetic; she shook her head, sending the slightly frizzy curls astray. “She’s obviously important to you.”

Roxy pressed her lips together.

“Is she in on…” Jane waved her hand around, gesticulating vaguely. In the kitchen, a chair scraped against the floor tiles. “You being. You know.”

“Not-straight?”

Jane looked unamused.

Roxy snorted. “Yeah, but no, she doesn’t know about the demon thing.” 

Jane hummed.

“You don’t believe me, do you?”

Jane looked down, almost bashful. “Not sure if I should.”

“Seriously, she—”

“Jade doesn’t think she does, either, so I’ll believe it for now.”

“Wowza, generous.”

Jane sighed. 

Roxy sat back. “You okay?”

“I’m—yes?” Jane squinted at her. “Why?”

Roxy raised both hands up in defense. “Just asking, chill.”

“Should I not be?”

“Well, your family is kind of falling apart and this weird lady wants you as her pawn.” 

Jane swallowed. “That’s. True.”

“You get to feel shitty, if you want to.”

“Are you going to offer me a drink?”

“I-dee-ee-kay, do you want one?”

Jane laughed. “I’m fine, thanks.” A pause. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

Jane was still watching her. “You get to feel shitty too, you know.”

“Are you going to offer _me_ a drink?”

“No, you’re too young.”

Roxy burst out laughing—had been edging on hysteria for a while now. Jane joined in.

“Jesus christ,” Roxy panted. “Jesus—”

“It’s always been funny to me how liberally you use the deified names.”

“Yeah, the origin of our species has more to do with convergent evolution and less with eternal damnation and the such.”

Jane was chuckling. “Are you saying Milton was wrong?”

“Oh, no, that totes all happened.”

“Were you there?”

“If I say yes will you decide I’m old enough to drink?”

Jane elbowed her playfully—froze, as if only then realizing what she did.

“Hey,” Roxy twisted her torso to look at her. “We’re kind of working closely here.”

Jane was staring back.

_Don’t cry, don’t cry_ — “Why do you hate me?” Damn it.

She could see Jane’s eyes widened through her foggy vision—wiped at her eyes with more force than necessary. “Fuck.”

“Roxy—”

“Sorry, I’m being dumb.” Breathing, steady, cool. “You don’t need to stay here if you don’t want to. Dirk or I can drop you off somewhere in town.”

“I do know how to use public transport,” Jane was still looking at her. “You two need to save energy.”

Roxy laughed.

“Rox—”

“Nope, nope, you don’t need to do this.” 

“What’s going on?”

Roxy looked straight ahead.

“Okay, that was a dumb question.”

“No shit.”

“You’re not doing fine.”

“There’s a woman out to wreck our shit and I don’t know how to stop her and I’m surrounded by people who are _disgusted_ by my existence like _I asked to exist ever holy fuck_ ,” words just kept coming, the pesky guys. “I might be dragging a girl who really doesn’t need this shit into it and I’m wondering why I ever thought I could have her in my life when everything else is so _fucked_ and everyone I care about is a mess and I think I ruined my little brother’s life.” She paused for breath. When’d she start hyperventilating. Welp.

Jane was staring at her. “Wow.”

“Wow is right,” Roxy sat back. “Sorry.”

“Don’t— why do you think you ruined Dave’s life?”

She shook her head. “He can probably hear me r-n, I need to stop being this extra.”

“Roxy.”

“I’m just— I was so bad at taking care of them.” She tugged at the bottom of her shorts. “Like, Dirk has this whole ‘it’s all my fault’ schtick going on that’s annoying ay-ef and not something I want to infringe on but, _man_ , I was right there and making it worse, like—” here it goes again. “I made Rose take care of me when she was barely hitting puberty because I couldn’t hold my liquor down but I still kept drinking and thought that just because there was food in the shitty motel fridge and they went to school I covered all the fronts but—”

“Roxy, you’re a year older than them.”

“I—”

“You couldn’t have been an adult, Roxy, you should have never had to be an adult.” A hand on her shoulder. “I know I’ve said this a long time ago but—”

“Yeah, you did.”

A hand was removed from her shoulder.

“I’m sorry we—” Jane tried, stopped, tried again. “It’s much easier to do this job if we don’t acknowledge how human you are.”

Roxy felt bitterness and hysteria bubble up her throat. “Shucks.”

“I’m—”

“Don’t say it.”

The kitchen doors opened; Karkat walked out, noted Jane’s posture and Roxy’s puffy eyes. Walked back in.

Roxy laughed.

Jane seized the moment. “I’m sorry.”

Roxy snapped away so fast she seemed to blur. “Don’t.”

“I really—”

“If you were sorry you’d _stop_ but you’re just going to go back to killing us once this is over and _god_ we’ll need to move again and I brought you right here with Dave still—”

Two doors, opening in unison; Dirk and Dave froze, each at their respective doorway.

Dirk spoke first. “You need to go.”

“Yeah,” Jane nodded.

Roxy reached out, like she’d actually dare touch her, _lol_. 

Dave cleared his throat.

“I’ll go get John,” Jane climbed to her feet; the kitchen doors opened almost immediately, the guy in question walking out. Karkat was peeking out from over his shoulder. “Right.”

“You know where the bus stop is.” Dirk sounded angry, woah.

Jane wasn’t meeting anyone’s eye. “I do.”

John sent Roxy a worried look before following his cousin out the door; she shrugged, tried to smile.

The doors closed; Roxy sat back onto the couch, hands shaking.

“Alright,” Karkat was officially out in the kitchen, faux-assertive. “Would anyone be so kind as to explain what the ever-loving fuck is going on?”

“Dude, she just did.” Dave nodded towards her. “Were you not paying attention or—”

The intercom rang. They shared a look; then Dirk was buzzing the delivery guy in and Dave and Karkat were talking in hushed voices and Roxy _couldn’t move_ —

A glass of water was placed in her arm, Karkat’s worried face hovering over her.

“I’ll be okay,” she muttered; made the A-ok sign with her fingers.

Karkat nodded. “I know.”

__

Tg: hey can i vent a lil

TG: damn right you can vent

TG: i have a fucking masters in this lay it on me

TG: also quick q do you want me to be quiet or can i keep talking cause i can totally worth both but i need some feedback here

TG: man im always the one being the emotional mess this is so new and exciting ill make rose proud

TG: oh shit i know its probably about what happened today but if theres something rose did wrong can i be let in on that too ill be so good

TG: doesnt need to be anything big just embarrassing enough for me to stop her from telling everyone about that time i came home drunk and threw up in the litter box

tg: lolz ily

tg: no rose stories today im afraid

TG: oh

Tg: r u disappointed

TG: a little

tg: if i ever walk in on ur twin ill let you know

TG: stop turning my g rated comments into something vaguely incestuous

tg: ok so u know how i used to have a drinking problem

TG: so you went from 0 to 100 i respect that

TG: yeah vaguely dirk threatened you with rehab and you cried

tg: yee that wasnt an invitation to recount any events but

tg: whendid that happen?

TG: i mean you were kind of really far gone back then

tg: ughhh no i think i remember that

TG: oh oops sorry

tg: no its ok im the one who should b apologizing coz YIKES

tg: anyways !! its not abt that

tg: lmao welp

tg: i was talking abt how i no longer have a drinking problem

TG: yeah thank god

tg: like i totally kicked alcohols butt 

TG: hell yes it was savage

TG: it still cries itself to sleep

TG: you made your drinking problem have a drinking problem

tg: lol

tg: but rite??? im tough as balls

tg: or like something thats actually tough

tg: tough as a pelvic bone

TG: i fucking love you

tg: so agreed rite

TG: damn right

TG: even if i didnt agree id still agree because you can kick my ass ten ways to sunday mass

TG: but like an alcohol free mass because alcohol itself fears you

tg: yee flexin like woah

TG: jaw hitting the floor the children are screaming

tg: i soothe them with my charisma

TG: i roll a critical

tg: pffffffft

tg: but anyways i was actually gonna talk abt 

tg: how people still think i cant be around alcohol yknow

tg: like you rn i know it was a metaphor but you gotta make sure you dont mention alcohol and roxy in the same sent or shell relapse oh noes

tg: and i get the sentiment but its also super condescending cause ima grown ass woman

TG: oh

TG: yeah i guess i didnt think of it that way shit

tg: noo this isnt @u u were suprisingly good at this

tg: like dirks usually the one who grates my nerves but what else is new

TG: word

tg: and i get that the intentions are good and that you want to help me not be as bad as i used to be

tg: but im not made of glass yknow

tg: wont turn into my messiest just bc something reminded me of a shitty thing that happened

tg: like yeah being at a club was super tempting and i was in need of a support but the only one i got was the “wow ur so dumb dont get urself drunk again”

TG: uh

tg: and itd be okay if i were a person who couldnt deal with being near booze at all 

tg: those people are stronk af too all the kudos to them

TG: mhm

tg: but ive been tempted before and its really annoying

tg: to be treated like ur super fragile bc a ur not and b when u actually feel fragile ur scared ur going to feed into this image they have of you

TG: not to be disrespectful because this pseudo callout is dragging me through all sorts of fertile soil but are you maybe vagueing at something beside your past substance abuse

tg: mayb

TG: oh okay carry on

tg: thanks

tg: right so that kinda faux support is overbearing at times and then just poof gone at others and bruh my past alcoholism doesnt go away when theres no alcohol in sight

tg: do i still want to make myself a rly large martini bianco whenever ive had a harsh day YEp

tg: anyways this got rambly nvm

Tg: point is like sometimes bad things happen and u gotta live with them and being babied is not appreciated but its still nice to know u can come to people for help

TG: no its cool i understand

tg: do u now

TG: yeah man

TG: you know weve got your back right

Tg: mhm

TG: and youve got ours

Tg: :D yep 

tg: wonk

TG: knowing cough

tg: kk my job here is done 

tg: <3

TG: thanks

tg: anytime 

tg: and i mean it !!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tfw u cover half the scenes planned out for the chapter and realize its over 6k words oopsa,,hope you enjoyed that john-karkat interaction cause i apparently had fun writing it
> 
> reviews are very much appreciated :)) pls


	16. Chapter 16

Jane turned to face him the moment they were off the bus; John stopped in his track, more than a little freaked out by the look on her face.

“We need to tell your dad.”

“No,” was out of his mouth before he could even process it. “No, no, Jane, that’s a terrible idea!”

“John, if she’s coming for me—”

“I know, but—”

“She might go for anyone in the way and if they don’t know—” she paused, the implication clear enough. “He needs to be as prepared as we are.”

“But we can sidestep the ‘hey, we worked with demons’ part of the story, right?”

She pressed her lips together. “It’s tempting.”

“Really tempting!”

“Don’t think so, though.”

John’s face fell. “He’ll kill us.”

“You know I’m right.”

He sighed. “Yes.” All the ‘no no no _god_ no’ jumble in his brain aside, if anyone in his family got hurt because of something he could have done differently, he’d probably have to die.

Jane reached out a hand. “Come on, let’s find Jade and Jake.”

“Split the blame?”

“I think I’m going to get the worst of it but sure.”

John took her hand, forced a laugh. Both their hands were sweaty.

__

**dpa**

TA: hey, crocker, quick question.

gg: Yes?

TA: are you working with the condescension?

gg: Excuse me??

TA: it was a y/n question, thought that was simple enough for you to understand.

gg: Where is this coming from?

tg: damn sollux down pal

tg: were not here to point any fingerz but this fuckin folder we got is very unhelpful and the only thing were gettin clearly is that shes doin her thing here v soon

tg: and its really weird considerin she is yet to make contact w you sooo

tg: k this is where we point fingers

gg: I am *not* working with the woman out to destroy democracy!!

TG: too late youre already on the hollywood blacklist

gt: How soon are talking here?

tg: like five days lmao

gt: Five days??

TA: thats what she said.

gg: Oh, shucks!!

TG: hey im upset about it too but lets watch the fucking language

tt: Why do I feel like you just stole my line?

tt: Also, what the fuck?

__

Dave was sat on his bed, facing Karkat; curled around his phone, all long limbs and awakening some sort of primal protective instincts.

Karkat cleared his throat. “Well, those were good news.”

Dave looked up, seemingly lost. “Huh?”

“You there?”

“Obviously,” Dave slumped even further into himself. “Man.”

Karkat chewed on his lip; knew he probably shouldn’t push. “Hey, you know yesterday—”

“I’m vaguely familiar with the concept.”

Karkat bit down on a cuss. “When Roxy said she’d ruined your life…”

“She was wrong.”

“Obviously,” he rushed to agree. “But, did she mean. Uh.”

“My fifteen year old self being a fucking idiot? Yeah.”

Karkat forgot how to speak for a second.

“Okay, not you too.”

“Fifteen?!”

Dave’s face was red, and even with the shades he couldn’t seem to face him. “Yes, I know, can we please not—”

“Fuck, okay, I’m sorry.” More silence. “I’m sorry.”

Dave’s jaw was clenched; his laugh came out as a wheeze. “Not your fault.” 

Another uncomfortable minute. Karkat shuffled in his seat.

“John wants to talk to you,” he finally said. “I think he misses you.”

“You think?” Dave’s voice still had that edging-on-hysteria note to it. “Is that your expert opinion, phD wielding lit major, sir?”

“Eat my dick, gap year.” 

__

tt: So.

tt: Rose tells me you and the roommate have not left the room all day. 

tt: Anything a concerned older sibling should know about going on? Is there a good show on netflix? A particularly good “chill”?

TG: easy there gramps you might pull an artery

tt: Guess I brought that one onto myself.

TG: word

tt:

tt: Okay, we need to talk.

TG: we are

tt: Dave.

TG: do i need to apologize or something

tt: I want to apologize.

TG: of course you do

tt: I deserved that.

TG: okay stop

tt: Sorry for being a dick to Karkat.

TG: backtrack stop sign dead end

TG: also nice try but u gotta tell karkat that

TG: wait were you like mean to him?

tt: I mean, I was stressed out at the time.

tt: It’s not an excuse but. Still putting it out there. 

tt: I’m a little surprised he didn’t tell you.

TG: hes not a snitch

tt: I can see that.

tt: So, uh, I’ll get on that.

tt: Also, sorry.

TG: for what

tt: You know what.

TG: obviously its not like this is the vaguest sentence ive read since roses essay answer on the biology final

tt: Oh, man, that was great. 

tt: I think Roxy has the graded exam laminated on her wall.

TG: yes but also not the point

tt: Sorry for making you uncomfortable over the Cal thing. 

TG: dude apologizing for how other people feel

TG: thats like the no 1 no-no try again

tt: Okay, fuck.

tt: I don’t know what to apologize for.

tt: I know what I did is ten levels of fucked up but I’d do it again.

tt: You’re not replying, okay.

tt: Guess I deserve that too.

TG: jesus christ stop it!!!

TG: do you mind not shitting on yourself constantly youre peer-pressuring me into dropping the subject and its gone on for long enough even for me to realize it shouldnt be dropped pity party rescheduled until further notice k 

tt: Okay.

TG: no its the literal opposite of okay

TG: do you hate me

tt: I don’t.

TG: bullshit

tt: Who’s having a pity party now.

TG: okay but we both know you do

tt: I literally do not.

tt: I have no idea what he wanted to do to you but it wasn’t good and no one can deny that the amount of shit we’re in dropped its steadily growing rate ever since he’s been gone.

tt: He had to go.

TG: okay yeah but 

TG: he was your dad

tt: Yes, so I’m aware.

TG: its fucked up

TG: you shouldve asked for help

TG: okay i was ready for you to agree or vehemently disagree but silence i did not foresee

TG: probably should have but eh its more of a my thing

TG: who am i lying to im literally never quiet case in point

TG: dirk?

TG: bro

tt: He’s my problem.

TG: uh no he was everyones problem

TG: hogging the kill all for yourself was kind of a dick move tbh

TG: okay that was a pretty shitty joke to make please respond

TG: dirk?

tt: I didn’t.

TG: yeah i know you didnt hog the kill im not that blood thirsty yet

tt: No. 

tt: I didn’t kill him.

TG: oh

TG: ok explain

**timaeusTestified** blocked **turntechGodhead**

TG: oh you did NOT

 

**TG started this group**

TG: hate to rat but

TG: (photo)

TG: fucking hypocrite has been ragging on me for the block and run exit for not quite literal decades but look at him now that sure was a block and run

TG: also welp someone do something about this

TT: Holy fuck.

TT: That’s a plot twist.

TG: can you cut the faux 4th wall breaks out i dont think they even work with this narrative

TG: rox??

tg: well dang 

__

tg: so

tg: when u say u didnt kill cal what exactly do u mean by that

tt: I’m working on it.

**timaeusTestified** blocked **tipsyGnostalgic**!

__

TT: Just messaging you so you can complete the self-isolation angst roll.

**timaeusTestified** blocked **tentacleTherapist**

__

tg: i have a situation

PM: So I am aware.

tg: no like another one

tg: u need to get to my place pronto

PM: Uh-oh.

PM: Nearly asked if everything was okay, hah.

tg: hah indeed

tg: porrim holy shit

tg: dirk outdone outdid himself

__

 

Kanaya froze next to him; Karkat slowed down his step, turned to look at her.

“Hey, is everything okay?”

They were walking back from his contemporary lit theories class; they’d just stopped to get some coffee, talk about life. It was nice, relaxing. He figured it was high time something stressful happened.

“We need to hurry up,” Kanaya said, bursting into a power-walk. 

Karkat struggled to keep up. “What happened?”

“Dirk Strider.”

Karkat guessed it was an answer enough. “How bad is it?”

“It’s Dirk Strider,” Kanaya repeated. “It’s logistically impossible to guess.”

Dave and Rose were both in the living room, sat next to each other. Rose jumped to her feet upon their arrival; Dave didn’t move.

“What the hell is going on?” Being loud was Karkat’s defence mechanism, okay. Dave was still not moving; Karkat gesticulated at him, motions wilde and uncoordinated. “Is he okay? Is he catatonic?”

Rose followed his hand, studied her brother for a second. “I think he’s dissociating.”

“What?”

Dave made a small thumbs-up gesture.

Rose turned back to Karkat. “Happens sometimes.”

Karkat was just about to speak—shout?—again, when Kanaya intervened.

“Cal Borne is alive?”

Rose sighed, sat back. “He said he didn’t kill him, then refused to talk more about it. Roxy had to physically break into his room.” She pressed a hand to her temple, as if alleviating a headache Karkat didn’t for a second doubt she was legitimately having. “He’s—”

“He’s a puppet,” Dave finished.

Karkat blinked. “ _What?_ ”

“He had, hm, _ways_ ,” Rose started. “Of moving his consciousness into physical artifacts?”

Dave was still staring into empty space. “A puppet.”

“Right.” Rose reached over, bumped his hand gently. “Apparently, what Dirk did was destroy his actual body whilst his consciousness was in the doll.”

Karkat and Kanaya shared a look.

“Like, on accident?”

“Probably not.” Rose grimaced. “It’s Dirk.”

“So he’s been a puppet this whole time?”

Dave’s face was in his hands.

“That does explain why he wouldn’t want to leave the apartment for a prolonged period of time.” Kanaya sat down too, urged for Karkat to do the same. “How is that—”

“I always said the thing moved,” Dave whispered. 

Rose squeezed his hand, turned back to her girlfriend. “I looked up the ritual, and it’s so heavily experimental, I cannot _believe_ Dirk would do that after banning me from fiddling with magic—”

Karkat’s brain was short-circuiting. “Slow down, magic is real now?”

“Karkat,” Kanaya warned, eyes still on Rose. “How experimental are we talking?”

“It requires a blood bond, between the caster and the bound soul,” Rose explain. “You know, as one needs to ensure the consciousness won’t flee into something else.”

“Or someone.”

“Dave, that’s only theoretically possible.”

“ _Rose_ , he put his dad into a puppet.”

Rose sighed, cast them an exasperated look. “It can probably speak to Dirk.”

Dave’s body gave a full-length shudder. Karkat felt his stomach churn.

“Good god,” Kanaya whispered. 

“Will he be okay?”

Rose looked back at him. “Porrim is there right now. They’ll do their best.”

“Porrim?” Karkat looked at Kanaya. “Why?”

“My sister is more skilled at those sorts of things,” Kanaya explained.

“Is that because she’s—”

“Turned? Yes.”

Karkat swallowed. No time for freaking out right now. “Okay.”

They fell into a silence. Dave was still not too responsive.

“I’ll make tea,” Kanaya suddenly announced. Karkat moved. “No, you’re not coming with me.”

Rose was allowed to go with her, apparently. Once left alone, Dave leaned back into the couch, exhaled.

“Hey,” Karkat called out, gently.

“You don’t need to baby me, Jesus.” Dave turned around, blinked. His shades were gone, his eyes tired. “I’m okay.”

Karkat nodded.

“I knew that puppet was—fucking hell.” Dave rubbed at his eyes. “I fucking hate puppets.”

“I respect that.”

Dave cracked a smile. 

__

SS: got yourself killed yet?

tg: no but workin on it

SS: i don’t doubt that.

SS: for real, is everything under control?

tg: condy-wise? Not rly but ill take care of it

SS: define ‘not really’.

tg: ok not to be rude but what r u doin

SS: making sure you don’t die prematurely.

tg: omg ur helping 

SS: i didn’t say that.

tg: !!!!!!!!!! :3 :3

SS: is this coded speech?

tg: aw u really have some sort of a dadly instinct thats cute

tg: legit r u a dad

SS: you never answered my question.

tg: will u answer mine if i answer urs

SS: i regret messaging you suddenly.

tg: lmao ok 

tg: i sorta have some bigger bridges to burn atm 

tg: but keep thinkin these helpful thoughts i like them

SS: more pressing than a timed suicide mission?

tg: i feel called out

SS: jesus, kiddo.

tg: look i have ppl on it

SS: do you now?

tg: yes i do !! 

tg: u know what ur not really all that helpful ur just a lil bit annoying

SS: now how’s that for dadly. 

tg: wouldnt know my dad has been dead for years

SS: oh.

tg: what did u forget

SS: slipped my mind.

tg: come on r u a dad

SS: why are you so interested in my private life?

tg: bc u know all about me and its not fair

tg: tryin to even the ground out a lil yknow

SS: i don’t know everything about your life.

SS: didn’t even know you had a dad, honestly.

SS: are demons mammals?

tg: no but we still have parents

SS: do I want to know?

tg: [idk do u ](http://www.dictionary.com/browse/oviposition)

SS: jesus christ. 

tg: haaa im fuckin w u

tg: can u imagine tho

SS: thank god.

SS: the image of the condescension laying an egg is forever embedded into my head.

tg: didnt realize her givin birth is that much better

SS: that’s a good point there.

SS: also another image i didn’t want to picture.

tg: she also defecates sometimes probably

SS: right, this conversation is over.

SS: if you need any more help, well.

SS: you’re good at finding me.

tg: mmm doesnt sound like a trap at all ;)

SS: keep being smart.

__

"Did you put a cover spell on it?"

Dirk's façade was slipping; foot shaking in-sync with a crescendo beat that wasn't there, fingers curling and uncurling at the back of his neck, hair, just shy of ears—

"He loud?" Porrim asked, calm as—yeah, no, okay, she was freaking out, Roxy could tell a good 'you're more of a mess than i am and someone has to keep their head here' face when she saw one.

Dirk barked out a laugh.

Roxy bit down on her lip, kept herself from reaching out to him.

"What cover spell?" Dirk finally spoke, lowering his head onto the table.

"The puppet is undetectable."

His shoulders seized, a low hiss escaping his lips as he clamped a palm over his ears.

"He's not happy about us knowing?"

"Seems so."

Roxy leaned in. "What is he—"

"He's just angry." Dirk sat up, ran a hand through his hair. "He can't scream because I slit his vocal chords but—" Roxy flinched; Dirk pulled a face. "Sorry. It's not quite a noise but it still..."

"It's telepathic projection." Porrim reached out, touched his hand. "A side-effect of the blood bond."

Dirk cursed. "It was necessary, though."

"It was," Porrim smiled. "You should have told me."

Dirk laughed again.

"Can you feel what he's feeling?"

Dirk nodded.

Porrim met Roxy's eyes. "Ever having troubles telling them apart from your own?"

"No!" Dirk's voice was maybe too loud. "I— no. No, it's not a problem."

Porrim's shoulders were tense. "Good."

They were in a stare-off. "Am I, what, corrupted?"

"Dirk."

"At least get Roxy out of here before you pull the trigger—"

"You're not dying over this, Dirk, calm your horses."

Dirk looked almost disappointed.

"But?" Roxy prompted.

Porrim sighed. "He's had an aggressive presence in his head for years, that's never good."

"So," Dirk's voice was flat, little high-strung. "What's the verdict, Warlock?"

Porrim looked unamused. "Once he's gone you're seeing a therapist."

Dirk sat up at that.

"Um," Roxy leaned in. "While I'm all for getting help an' all, how the eff are we supposed to—"

"Explain?" Porrim interrupted. "I know a Turned professional."

Dirk was still tense. "A what?"

"As in, a professional that was turned and not—"

"I know what you meant, Porrim."

She inhaled, closed her eyes. "She normally helps others like me come to terms with newly found powers, but—"

"But' _nothing_ , it’s not the same, I am _not talking to a shrink_ "

"She's had a similar experience," Porrim interrupted. "Uh. Scarily similar, actually."

"Seven years with her undead father shouting into her cerebellum?" Dirk smirked. “I’ll be damned.” 

"I don't think that's how brains work, and also." Porrim grinned. "Eleven years, brother."

Dirk's mouth opened an inch— as close to a jaw drop as he ever got.

"Backtrack, what?" Roxy was up straight "This a thing that happens? To other people too?"

“Yes,” Porrim smiled. “Can’t copyright this mode of making life difficult for yourselves, I’m afraid.”

“So it’s a thing people can do?” Dirk was leaning in. “Like, people that aren’t him? Regular people?”

“Humans can’t.”

“But we—” 

Roxy whacked his shoulder. "No."

He rubbed at it, frowned. At least he seemed distracted. "Not asking you."

Porrim smiled. “Dirk, how is Cal behaving at the moment?”

Dirk froze. Leaned back.

“Quieted down, huh?”

His lips pressed into a thin line.

“Um,” Roxy shifted in her seat. “Do I panic or—”

“He wants me to. Wow.” Dirk licked his lips. 

“Enter someone else’s head? Yes.” 

“Why would he—” Dirk swallowed. “Ah.”

“What, what—” and then it hit her too. “Oh, god damn it.”

“Pretty much.”

“He can do that?”

Porrim nodded.

“He can take over Dirk’s body?”

“If his focus is elsewhere—”

Dirk’s hands were gripping the table so hard Roxy was sure one of them would break. 

“Dirk,” Porrim warned.

“Get him out.”

She nodded. “On it.”

__

EB: why is everyone so quiet? 

TG: weve lost control of our lives

EB: yes, okay, but anything more recent?

tt: Oh, snap.

TG: well look who found a way to use the phone 

TG: ill be fucking damned and therere no pun about my alleged ties to the devil intended

tt: I’m not braindead, just tired.

EB: uh, what’s going on?

TT: My girlfriend’s sister just carried out an exorcism on my brother.

TT: The usual, really.

EB: uhm, that kind of raised more questions than it had answered!!

tt: I’m fine, in case anyone was wondering.

TG: i mean we sort of gathered that much from the fact youre back on your phone like the biggest baby boomer nightmare to ever millennial 

TG: youre getting the night to recuperate and then your ass is so getting pounded

tt: Nice phrasing, Jaime Lannister.

TG: yep hes ok

gt: An exorcism??

gt: Doesn’t that kill you?

TG: no because were not characters from a mediocre show about two brothers and a car 

gg: How do demons even get possessed? Not to be rude, but.

TT: Dirk is talented.

tt: According to Porrim, it is not that unusual.

TG: porrim is lying to save your feelings

GG: okay guys not that this isn’t cute and all but can we please get some context?? :/

TG: cal borne wasnt dead

gt: What??

tt: Jesus, dave, clickbait much. 

tt: I had him in a puppet. 

PM: You had him in your head, Dirk.

Tt: Potato, potahto.

gg: Are you for real? 

tt: I’m going to bed.

gt: But he’s gone now, right? and dirk is okay?

TG: awwwwwww

PM: Dirk will be fine. Cal is gone.

tg: gone as in actually dead this time heelly ea

Tg: high five partner

PM: High five? 

tg: dawwwww im being humoured

EB: jane wants to tell dad.

TG: say what

EB: about condy and, eh, this chat i guess?

EB: probably about dirk’s dad too now probably.

TG: say what again

EB: what

TG: thats cute but not helpful

tg: umm is that really a good idea? 

tg: like last we checked ur dad had a 

tg: uhm

TT: A tendency to eliminate family members too attached to the group he perceives as the enemy?

tg: yea that

EB: i know!!!

EB: and i mean, wow, when you put it that way.

EB: but i know!!

gg: John, I am *not* discussing this, it’s me she wants and if your dad or Jake’s dad get hurt because of it I’ll never be able to forgive myself!!

tt: Damn, tell us what you really feel.

TG: werent you going to bed

tt: It takes time to hit the first REM stage, give me a break.

tt: Also, Crocker raises a good point.

gg: Thank you!!

tt: I mean, it’s a shitlickingly obtuse idea to tell your murderous parent figure you’ve been getting chummy with the demons but, as they say, you do you.

gg: Um, thank you?

TT: At least make sure you have a safe way out in case things go amiss. Somewhere else to spend the night, enough money to get by. I suggest packing in anticipation. That sort of a thing.

GG: Heh, that’s the same advice you gave me when I was coming out!

TT: How sentimental.

GG: Also, jane, no!!

GG: I mean, we totally need to do it but :///// aaagh!!

TG: word

gt: Oh, you shut up. 

tt: Hey, now.

gt: Right, sorry.

TG: aw english-hubbu youll make my heart bleed worse than my wrists

gt: I’m sorry!!

TG: hahah hes so easy to get riled up

GG: Dave, shoosh.

GG: I’m not home right now, wait for me?

gt: Me neither, and you are not committing this boner alone!

TG: hes doing it on purpose right

tg: hey is dirk asleep fr now

tt: Are you about to volunteer our house as their shelter for the night?

tg: yea and u cant stop me 

tt: Fair.

tt: See you all in the morning, I guess.

tg: <3 !

gt: Oh. thank you?

Tg: dont act so surprised were the nice ones in this combo

gt: I’d argue but the evidence is not really on my side of the turf!

tg: word

TG: hell no copyrighted

__

TG: i know youre not sleeping

tt: Why, hello to you too, brother, I’m so glad I lived to see your message notification pop up on my screen at unexpected intervals.

TG: yeah i love you too

TG: hows your crush on jake doing

tt: Dave.

tt: Where exactly do you want this conversation to go?

TG: cause like he got an accent and all

TG: did he have it before its like one of his three redeeming qualities

tt: Dave.

TG: also are shorts new cause if not i understand everything

tt: Right, because it’s not like John wears long pants and has a DC accent and you still kept pining over him for the most of your adolescence.

TG: hey now this conversation is not about my embarrassing crushes its all about you

TG: that should make you happy right thats how you like things to be

tt: Pot calling a kettle.

TG: pot being right tho

tt: You are so tiring.

TG: good cause you need to sleep

tt: Yes, the accent is new.

tt: I hate my life.

TG: hahahhahahahhaha rip 

__

Tg: theres some silence on ur end r u guiz ok?? alive n all

Tg: come on pls upd8 of some sort 

Tg: aaaghhh

TT: I couldn’t have been more coherent about this myself.

Tg: cut it out bb not in the mood

Tg: <3

TT: I understand.

TT: Also, might I remind you that you are not talking to Dave. I will not assume you hate me after one brusque reply.

Tg: hahah ok <3 

Tg: but 4realz @the engliharleberters ??? whaddup

gg: We can’t tell him.

tg: noo u can do it i believe in u

gg: No, I mean, we literally can’t.

gg: He’s not here.

tg: um id say wait for him to get home but by the general tone of the statement

gg: She took him.

tg: oh

tg: oh shit

__

tg: w the f

SS: What?

tg: ur legit spying on me arent you

SS: Not that I wouldn’t if I needed to but you are not that important.

tg: thank u for the useless info btw is any of that crap true?

SS: Oh, so you found out about James Egbert.

tg: no shit hes kinda big around these circles

SS: Thanks for confirming you’re in contact with his kid, by the way.

tg: any tiem ship it off to condy w a strong kick right up the vaginal openin

tg: if she even has one 

tg: ughhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

SS: Breathe.

tg: dont tell me what to do !!! 

SS: Yes, the information is true. You’re just not getting any updates I don’t get.

tg: rite thats trustworthy

SS: Never said you should trust me.

tg: bluhbluh

tg: :(

__

Dirk woke up to Jade and John curled up on their stretch-out couch, Jake sprawled in the arm-chair. All three asleep, all three yawning— that overbite + drooling combo should not have been that cute, but fuck it— the sound of a kettle boiling could be heard from the kitchen, so Dirk set sail that way, careful to keep his steps silent.

Jane was by the stove, unsurprisingly; she’d dug out the ‘kiss the cock’ apron Dave’d gotten him for his last birthday and was busy making something that looked like pancakes, eyes only a little bloodshot.

“Morning’.”

She turned around; tried a smile. “Good morning to you too.”

“How awfully domestic you are.”

She shrugged. “This kitchen doesn’t look like it gets used much, thought I’d give it a ride.”

“I’ll have you know Roxy and I make midnight pasta at least twice a week.”

“Well, I stand corrected then.”

It almost felt like it could be easy; Dirk reminded himself to know better.

“So John’s dad is going to die too.”

She slammed the pan back onto the stove.

“Easy,” he warned. “I’m right here, if you want to take it out on the culprit.”

“Just—shucks, Dirk!” She turned the stove, the kettle, everything running off, faced him. “I know you’ve every reason to resent me but—”

“But?”

Her eyes were glossy again. “At least skip the part where you make me think you’re trying!”

_Oh._ He felt his jaw clench, took a step back. 

Jane was still watching him. Neither moved.

“ _Like_ I’m trying?” He finally growled out. She tensed. “ _Like_?”

She looked down. “Mayhaps that was a poor choice of words.”

“I’ve saved your lives,” he reminded. “You’re in _my_ house right now.”

“I don’t think it counts as a house,” she muttered. “It’s an apartment, really.”

“Jane.”

She swallowed. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re not.”

“I’m not.”

They stood there for a while. Dirk considered going back to sleep; he wouldn’t be able to, but laying awake until a more sensible morning hour still beat having to look at Jane Crocker’s face.

“Cal Borne was in your head?”

He sighed.

“Right, sorry, just—” she was avoiding his face. “Was he there when we met you?”

He shook his head. “Happened a year later.”

Her mouth shaped a small ‘o’.

“Lighting round over?”

“I asked one question, Dirk, that’s hardly a lightning round.”

“Isn’t it a little early to get choked up on specifics?”

She smiled. “You were so young.”

The insides of his mouth tasted sour. “Whoopsie.”

“I’m sorry Jake shot you.”

“Not your apology to make.”

“I’m sorry your parents are dead.”

“You aren’t.”

“I am!”

“Sure.”

Another tense second, dragging on.

“Christ, Dirk.” She pressed both arms against her face. “What am I going to do?”

“Well, you, singular form, not much.” His voice felt out of his control. “Us, plural form, we’ll get your subpar father figure back and make the queen of Self-Infatuation eat her words and then you’ll have a wholesome family mess of your own to deal with.”

She blinked at him, a little teary eyed.

His chest should not have felt that tight. “That works?”

“Shut up,” she muttered. “I’ve always had a wholesome family mess to deal with.”

He couldn’t help it— he felt his face twist into a smile. “Is this a competition?”

She smiled back. “Not that it is, mister, but be prepared to lose.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was that spn drag subtle (my superwholock roots are the reason im writing a demonstuck fic w e l p)
> 
> doyourfandomrootsaffectyourcurrentlifeletmeknowinthecommentsectionbelowcommentlikeandsuscribetomychannel ! (but legit feel free to drop a review i live off feedback of any sort)
> 
> thanks for reading! <3


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *disappears for five weeks* aesthetic (writers block sucks ass huh) (your feedback helped so much though?? like not with my ability to write that was fucked but just. cheered me up a lot huge thanks to everyone who commented/bookmarked/left kudos i love you all <3)

SS: Look, I know you have no reason to trust me but I genuinely wasn’t in the know about the Egbert fiasco.

SS: Not expecting you to believe me, and not sure if I would have told you if I’d known, but.

SS: Guess I’m not that enamored with the idea of Her Imperial Dictatorship either, so. If you actually have a plan that could work I’d be interested in helping.

SS: You’re not going to answer, are you?

SS: …

SS: Yeah, probably a good idea.  
__

Karkat woke up with a warm hand of his shoulder, a presence to his right side. His brain, sleep-addled and useless as it was, still took little time to recognize the slouch, the thin lips pressed tightly together. He swatted Dave’s hand away, groaned.

“What the fuck do you want?”

“Morning to you too, princess.” Dave leaned back; good, because Karkat found it too early to explain why _any_ remarks made him bristle, let alone this one. “I brought you coffee.”

Karkat sat up, still scowling. Let his eyes follow Dave’s hand-motion, to the night-stand.

There really was coffee. It looked black. Karkat’s frown subsided by a bare fragment.

“You gonna take it?”

“Maybe,” Karkat snatched the cup, sniffed it. It was burning his palms but it wasn’t like he was about to admit that. “What do you want?” 

Dave grinned—goofy, lopsided, _ugh_. “You dropped the ‘fuck’.”

Karkat blinked.

Dave’s cheeks flushed a shade darker. “Like, in your sentence—hahah, okay. You asked what the fuck I wanted, first, but now it’s just—”

“Jesus urethra-probing _Christ_.” 

Dave’s mouth opened, closed.

Karkat kept glowering. 

“I have no idea how to respond to that,” Dave finally said. “Way too early for casual sounding.”

Karkat sipped on the coffee, held eye-contact like it proved shit. His tongue burned; he regretted many things.

“Anyways,” Dave said. “I’m going to Roxy’s, was wondering if you wanted to come.”

Karkat raised an eyebrow.

Dave shifted on his feet.

“‘Cause, like, there’s John and Jade and the other two and…” Dave made a hand-gesture.

“How is that, in any conceivable universe, considered a selling point?”

Dave shrugged, let out this high-pitched laugh-like noise. “Please.”

Another beat of silence; Dave couldn’t seem to stand still.

Karkat slurped down more coffee, hid his smile into the cup.

“Come on, dude—”

“I’m going,” he cut Dave off. The smile he received in return was _atrocious_. “You’re pathetic.”

“Hell yes, yes, hell.” Dave bounced forward, kneeled down before Karkat’s bedside. “I could kiss you.”

Karkat choked on coffee.

“Get dressed _we’regoingsoon_ cool, thanks!” Dave, whole face flushing, was back on his feet. “Get dressed. Um.”

“You’ve said that already.”

“Cool.” 

The doors closed after Dave. Karkat finally set the cup down, took a breath.

He was getting on his own damn nerves.

__

 

Roxy watched John and Jade from the kitchen, too frightened by Jane’s presence (somewhere in the apartment but fuck if she knew where and she was not going to push because _boy whoa_ hot angry ladies were everyone’s weakness) to actually approach them. Her phone was sweaty in her arms. 

The duo was playing Aggravation. Jade had her hair up, Roxy’s cat-patterned pyjamas on; John’s Ghostbusters top had toothpaste stains. 

_John’s dad is missing._

She decided to try and make some cocoa.

Dave and Karkat showed up as she was finishing; Jade had just gone to shower, Jake still wherever the hell he left off to this morning, Dirk still talking to whoever Porrim was making him talk to— god, this had so much disaster potential she was almost excited but not in a good way because that’d be mean— that meant one Jane, one John, one awkward sibling and _boy_ she hoped Karkat wouldn’t run away into the kitchen again.

“Boys!” She pulled them both into a hug the moment they were through the door. She could hear the bathroom doors unlocking; felt Dave tense. Stepped back, smiled. “I made cocoa.”

Dave’s lips were pressed together; Karkat’s eyes were wide, face a little red, but that could’ve been from Roxy not wearing a bra, she wasn’t going to judge. 

“Take me to it,” Dave said. “Us. Um.” He turned to Karkat. “If that’s—”

Karkat sighed— more like it!— grabbed Dave’s forearm, nodded at Roxy. “We’ll go find it.”

“Cool-io.”

Now they left her in the open. Damn.

She turned to look at Jade; her face was freshly shaven, hair a little damp.

“You found the shower ok?” She asked, because that was what hosts did, right.

Jade nodded.

“Were that Dave and Karkat?” Jane was in the living room too. Eek.

“Yep.” Roxy swung on her heels. “Anyone want some cocoa?”

Karkat ended up asking for a private word; Roxy complied, because, why not. They went out through Dirk’s window; he had that roof thingie there and she’d totally caught him smoking on over ten times so it had to be mostly safe. 

She could angst just as well, thank _you_.

“This brings back memories,” Karkat mumbled, settling down at a safe distance from the edge.

Roxy hummed to signify interest, sat down next to him. It was a little bit chilly, but otherwise nice out here; the view was pretty good, the fall kind of deadly for the likes of Karkat and probably her too, honestly. 

“Used to pull that shit in high school all the time,” he explained. “My— uh. Gamzee and I. We used to sneak out a lot, sit in artsy places. He smoked.”

Roxy lifted an eyebrow. “Just him, ha?”

Karkat scowled back, a smile fighting his facade. “He might not have been the only one, maybe.”

She grinned back. Wondered if she ought to ask about Gamzee.

“Are you going to ask about Gamzee?”

She laughed.

“Was that a yes or a no, not fluent in your particular brand of Strilonde bullshit yet.”

“Strilonde?”

His ears were red. Cute. “That’s what Sollux calls you.”

Roxy laughed again. “Nah, I’ll behave.”

Karkat nodded. There was a beat of silence.

“Do you want to tell me about Gamzee?”

He flopped back, exhaled.

She moved into a more comfortable position. She could deal with this.

__

SS: He’s still alive, by the way.

SS: Egbert, I mean.

SS: I think she’s counting on your little group trying to get him out. 

SS: You’re not doing that, right? 

SS: You’re probably doing that. 

__

TG: hey rose got a moment

TT: No.

TG: right so 

TG: its fucking awkward here

TG: and like half an hour into the most uncomfortable chill of all time karkat and roxy both ditch me to do fuck knows what in dirks room of all rooms and i think jane is stress baking

TG: and john and jade are here and were all quiet and i want to get stress baked

TG: oh god no jade just inhaled i think shell try to make us talk 

TG: rose im not ready rose come here

TG: ohana means family and family means you deal with awkward shit for me

TG: with me

TG: please come here rose rose rose

TG: rose rose rose rose rose rose rose rose rose rose rose

TG: sister kin lesbian-cthulhu

TT: Good god, Dave.

TG: tentacletherapist tt tt tt

TG: hahaha it sounds like titty

TT: I’m on my way.

TG: wait shit did this just work

TT: I was already in the bus.

TT: But keep this up and I’ll turn it around.

TG: when youre so annoyed with your sibling you reroute public transport lines am i right

TT: Aut viam inveniam. 

__

“So, let me see if I got it right.”

Karkat swallowed, kept avoiding her eyes.

“You had a crush on this femme fatale girl,”

Karkat snorted.

“But you slept with your best buddy?”

His face was red. Roxy felt a little mean.

“And then you started dating the girl?”

Karkat nodded.

“But then they started sleeping together?”

Karkat nodded again. He looked _really_ uncomfortable.

“And you knew?”

“Yeah, okay.” Karkat hid his face in his hands. “Revision over.”

Roxy nodded. “Gotcha.”

Karkat groaned into his arms. “Three months!”

Roxy bit her lip, awkwardly patted his back. “Yeah.”

Karkat groaned again.

“Look,” she shifted, nudged him with her shoulder. “We all fuck up.”

“Yeah, but the fact we collectively suck does not make my personal sucking any less execrable.” He sighed, leaned into her touch slightly. “I feel like I fucked them both up.”

She looked up at that. “Dude.”

“No, scratch that, I’m positive I did.”

“Um, weren’t they both cheating on you?” She nudged him again. “Like, reciprocally?”

Karkat didn’t respond.

She nudged him again.

“Gamzee was _really_ high when we—” his voice cracked. “I mean, he was always fucking high and I wasn’t exactly sober either but—”

She shifted. “Karkat?”

“I felt guilty later so I made it his fucking problem and he was so stupid, he probably believed me.”

She guessed insults were just his way of expressing remorse— whatever, not like the guy was there to hear it. 

“And then I just— I told Terezi she deserved to—”

He was crying, _backtrack okay whoops._

She hugged him. Wasn’t sure what else to do.

“Dude,” she whispered. “We’re about to have _such_ a heart-to-heart.”

He hiccuped into her hair. She stroked his back, smiled.

__

SS: I have a lot to lose, kid.

SS: It’ll be really funny if it turns out you tried to solo bust Egbert out and are now dying somewhere. 

SS: By funny I mean really bad for the both of us.  
__

Dave slumped further down into his seat, legs stretched out before him. Rose’s stink-eye wasn’t subsiding.

“So,” John started.

Rose flickered him a look; she was wearing all-black today, sat with her hands in her lap. He visibly faltered.

Jade shot Dave a helpless look. He shrugged.

“This is awkward,” John said.

Rose ignored him. “Your wrists are healing nicely, Dave.”

John sighed.

“Okay, this needs to stop.” Jade sat up. “Rose—”

“What, you attacking us?” Rose arched an eyebrow. “Agreed, any time now would be nice.”

Jade smoothly ignored that— masters of derailing, all of them. “We need to work together and we can’t do that if you refuse to even acknowledge our presence—”

“Oh, I’m acknowledging your presence.” Rose’s voice was barely a hiss. “I’m acknowledging what you did to my family and am therefore here, to make sure you don’t—”

“I’m sorry!”

“As you should be.”

“I’m trying to make things right, I—”

“I don’t think you can fix this with an apology—”

“John,” Dave interrupted; John’s eyes flew to his in a desperate instant. “Want food?”

John seemed almost lost for a second. “Oh, right, yeah.”

“Coward,” Rose whispered as Dave hurried to his feet.

“Scary woman.”

He didn’t stop until he was safely in the kitchen; the silence coming from the living room was worrying.

“You got us out of crossfire there,” John was right behind him, discomfort apparent.

“You’re welcome.”

John laughed. Dave didn’t join in. 

__

Jade could not look up, would not look up. She felt sick with shame and angry at something she could not quite name—

“I guess the narrative did set you up.”

Jade’s head snapped up. “Uh?”

“You know, demonic terminology and all.” Rose waved a dismissive hand. “It’s been used analogically to human sins and weaknesses since the dawn of westernly handpicked written civilization, only fit you’d assume the worst of us the moment you learn of our presence.”

Jade leaned back, still cautious. “Wouldn’t you think it’s more of a, like, humanity looking back on the horrors it inflicted upon itself and fearing the same kind of kill-or-be-killed mentality in other species?”

Rose looked mildly impressed.

“I talked about aliens with Jane once,” she shrugged. “It got intense.”

“It did sound practiced.”

“I stole it off a youtube comment.”

Rose smiled. “Mine is from tumblr.”

Jade giggled.

“Look,” Rose sighed. “I can’t trust you.”

“That’s okay!”

“I can’t not-trust you, either.”

Jade paused. “Um.”

“I really want to trust you.” Rose’s shoulders slumped. “I find myself trusting you. And then I remember I can’t.”

“Can I win your trust back?”

Rose looked up. “Are you prepared to?”

Jade bit her lip. “Absolutely not.”

“Well, that’s unfortunate, but I don’t think you’ve ever lost it.”

“Uh.”

“It’s Schrodinger’s trust.”

Jade frowned. “Don’t think that’s…”

“Hush now.”

Jade grinned. “I think I just figured some stuff out.”

Rose raised her eyebrows. “Like what?”

“Like what I’m going to do with my life.”

“Oh?”

Jade nodded.

“Did I help?”

“A little? I mean,” Jade paused. “Yes.”

“Is that a final answer?”

“No. Yes.” She laughed. “Maybe.”

Rose was smiling back. “Did Aradia and Feferi help?”

“Not as much as you.”

“You’ll make Kanaya jealous.”

“And Dave.”

Rose squinted.

“As in, Dave helped too,” Jade rushed to explain. “Not that Dave would be jealous— oh, shut up!”

Rose couldn’t stop laughing.

Jade felt herself smile. “I’ve missed you.”

Dave walked in on them hugging. Gave her a thumbs up before retreating into the kitchen.

“At least my dad can’t kill me,” Jade whispered into Rose’s hair.

“Sorry about that,” Rose whispered back.

“Wasn’t you.”

Rose laughed into her ear. “And don’t you ever forget that again.”

__

Dave barely spent two seconds outside the kitchen before he moonwalked back in, a goofy smile on his face.

John raised an eyebrow.

“Our sisters are totally getting it on.”

“What?” John sat up. “No!”

Dave seemed amused.

“Your sister has a girlfriend and Jade is getting two!”

Dave’s shoulders were shaking.

“She’s not even my sister, by the way, would someone get that right— okay, someone has to say it, three girlfriends are way too many girl— _stop laughing_!”

Dave’s face immediately went impasse. “Not laughing.”

John drew himself up, slightly uneasy.

Dave cracked up again. “Your reaction, though.”

“Oh, shut up.”

They fell into a silence again.

“I guess we should sort our issues out too,” Dave said. “Karkat threatened me with a Good Luck Chuck rewatch if we don’t.”

“Wow, he has you whipped already— wait.” John frowned. “Rewatch?”

Dave had a full-face flush. Good to know. “What is this, a call-out post?”

“A what?”

Rose peeked into the kitchen, eyes a little puffy. “Still not on tumblr, Dave.”

He glared at her as she picked up a packet of paper towels, retreated into the kitchen. Exhaled when she closed the doors.

“Where do you stand?”

John jumped, somehow surprised by the question he totally saw coming. “What?”

“You know what I’m asking, dude, don’t be like this,” Dave leaned against the kitchen counter. “Who are you with? Cause, like, I can’t do this friendship renewal thing if you’re going to be okay with me but out to get the rest of my species, no ‘oh you’re a demon but not like, a demon demon’ I got enough of that with being not-straight, you know, this shit isn’t going to fly here—”

John decided this was as good a time as any to cut in. “I have no idea, Dave.”

Dave’s face fell. John’s stomach flipped.

“Well.”

“I mean—” John ran a hand through his hair, whined. “I never wanted to hurt anyone!”

“Well, you did.”

“I know!” Okay, this wasn’t working, get-your-shit-together op starting now. “I can’t go against my family, though, I can’t do that!” Get-your-shit-together op was _failing_. “So much is happening and my dad is gone and I want him back but if we get him back I’ll still have to choose and— oh my god.” He felt like his knees would give out. Dave looked mildly alarmed as John sunk to the floor, head in his hands. “It’d be easier if we never got him back. I just thought that. Dave, I— I just thought things would be easier if my dad was dead, I—” He couldn’t breathe. “What the fuck. What is wrong with me. Dave?”

“Hey, no, no.” Dave looked panicked too; almost more panicked than John felt, why was that funny? John started laughing. Dave only looked more alarmed. “Hang in there.”

“I’m a terrible person,” John noted.

“No, you’re not, you’re in a shitty situation and you’re having some technical issues, that’s normal.” Dave’s hand was awkwardly hovering over John’s shoulder. “Look, things would be easier if your dad was dead, not going to lie, the dude scares the fuck out of me and kind of did make my life a lot harder than it ever needed to be—”

John’s voice sounded hysterical, foreign to his own ears. “But you’re not his kid—”

“But I’m not his kid, right.” Dave agreed. “And that’s why the idea of his death doesn’t have me hyperventilating on a stranger’s kitchen floor.”

John paused at that.

“You love him, dude.” Dave said. “Because he’s shitty but he’s your dad.”

“Right,” John breathed. His head felt dizzy. His hands felt not quite his own.

“And that’s sometimes difficult to, just, make sense of.” Dave’s voice was muted but still grounding. John clung onto it. “Like, all things considered, you’re doing pretty okay.”

John nodded. Tried to nod.

“Okay, you’re freaking me out now.” A beat. “Want some ice water?”

“I guess?” It didn’t feel like his own words.

“I’ll get Rose.”

_That’s a non-sequitur._ “Right.”

A minute later, he had a glass of water in his hands, Jade at his side. Rose was kneeling in front of him; the glass was really cold. Dave was at the doorway. Rose’s hands smelled citrus-y.

“You here with us?”

He blinked.

“John?”

“Kind of.”

Rose nodded, squeezed his shoulder.

“Jade?”

“Yeah?” She leaned in closer; he realized he’d whispered.

“Are you leaving the Protector business?”

A beat of silence.

“Yeah.”

John nodded. “Good.” Swallowed a sip of water. His legs were starting to feel like his legs again. “I think that’s good.”

It was like he was diving with an air tank; when he broke the surface, all three of them were waiting for him. 

__

gg: Where are you?

gt: Out?

gg: Jake English, I know those movies are your life but you are not a rebellious white teenager and I will not hesitate to chase you down across half the country, where *are* you??

gt: Right, apologies.

gg: Uh-oh.

gt: Uh-oh what??

gg: You’re too mellow, you must be hiding something.

gg: WHERE ARE YOU ???

gt: I’m home. talking to dad.

gg: Oh.

gg: Oh, holy cow, I thought it was something serious.

gt: This isn’t serious?

gg: I mean, it is, but hey, it’s not like I expected you to never talk to him again?

gg: Is he okay?

gt: Not really.

gt: He’s not happy with us.

gt: Had a bit of a quarrel but i think we managed to work it out.

gt: He doesn’t believe in much of what i’ve told him.

gg: No surprises there, unfortunately.

gt: He swears james didn’t kill daisy and i...i think i believe him?

gg: Of course you do, Jake, he’s your father.

gt: John didn’t believe james.

gg: John’s situation is a bit more complicated.

gt: That it is.

gg: What’s his story?

gt: The same old and then some more of that.

gg: ... 

gg: You can elaborate, if you want to.

gt: Yes, but i…don’t want to?

gg: Jake.

gt: He says james knew daisy was seeing mutie weeks before she left. 

gt: Which i guess was meant to convince me he really didn’t kill her because, why wait that long, right? but it just made me realize they kept a lot from us and i’m not sure how to feel about that.

gg: Well, if my marriage was so far gone, I wouldn’t brag about it either?

gt: You and your darned logic.

gt: Anyhow. he swears james didn’t kill her. 

gg: I’d love to believe that!

gg: But I really can’t buy that Mutie would do that.

gt: Right, because if they’d really been dating for as long as everyone finally agrees on, why would *she* wait that long?

gg: Right!

gt: Too bad both of them can’t be innocent.

gg: …

gg: Okay, that was probably an option we could have considered earlier.

gt: I brought it up with dad and he...well, he shot it down but i could see the seed of doubt in his eyes. 

gg: We do have a lot of enemies.

gt: It’s a dangerous profession.

gg: Okay. Okay, I’m considering this option. It’s a good option.

gt: You do realize that would mean rebecca killed roxy’s mum over nothing?

gg: I accept that it’s not ideal.

gt: Like anything has ever been ideal with us, cripes!!

gg: Sometimes I wonder where in the world you get your vernacular from but decide I’d rather not know?

gt: Har-har. 

gt: You know what would be really great right now? 

gg: James being here?

gt: James being here. 

gg: Guess we’ll just have to get him back. 

gt: What a drastic change of plan!

gg: Was that sarcasm I heard, young man?

gt: Never, miss!

gg: <3

gg: Okay, gosh, I just had a very radical idea.

gg: Can I count on you?

gt: Depends.

gg: Not a satisfactory answer!

gt: Alright, i’ll follow your lead.

gt: Until the end of the line.

gg: !! Better.

gg: I’ll even ignore how that’s a movie quote.

gt: <3

gg: Alright! So here it goes:

 

__

 

There was a tapping on the window. Karkat jumped up— which Roxy totes didn’t do— cursed a little.

Jane was looking at them from Dirk’s bedroom, seemingly apologetic.

“Oh,” Roxy pushed the window open, scooted aside to make sitting space. “Heya.”

Jane regarded the roof warily. “Is this safe?”

“Your lifestyle isn’t safe,” Karkat deadpanned.

Jane shot him a quick look, then snorted. “That’s true.”

Roxy offered her a hand, helped her onto the roof. Karkat was watching them with raised eyebrows.

“So,” Jane asked, once safely settled down. “What are you two up to?”

Roxy shrugged.

Karkat was still staring.

“I think our siblings are...coming to terms,” Jane started. “With things.”

“Things?”

“Things?” Karkat repeated. “Like, the fact your lifestyles are technically incompatible, things?”

“Yes, those things.” Jane replied.

“Well,” Karkat’s smile looked uncomfortably aggressive. “Good for them.”

Roxy frowned. “Hey, Karkat, mind getting me a drink from the kitchen?”

Jane’s head snapped up so fast Roxy feared for her cerebellum’s safety.

“I think she means water,” Karkat supplied dryly.

Jane at least had the decency to looked embarrassed.

“Coming right up,” Karkat crawled back in through the window; shot Roxy a small smile while Jane wasn’t looking. She waved at him, waited for the doors to close.

“I’ve been thinking,” Jane seemed to have been doing the same.

“Huh.”

“About...our mutually incompatible lifestyles.” She grimaced. “I am willing to admit I was not in the right.”

Roxy blinked, face impasse. Dirk would’ve been proud. “Whoa.” 

“I had my reasons— good reasons—”

“I’m getting mixed signals here, _n-g-l_.”

Jane sighed. “We went about it the wrong way.”

“No shit.”

Jane looked up.

Roxy shrugged. “Soz.”

“What I’m trying to say is,” her eyes trailed away again. “This isn’t going well. This is going terribly.”

“I have literally no idea where you want it to go so I can’t judge, but—”

“Demons going rogue are still a huge threat,” Jane interrupted.

Roxy pressed her lips together. “Yup.”

“And something we still need to deal with.”

“Not disagreein’.” 

“But you deal with them too, don’t you?”

Roxy nodded. “I know what you’ve been told but we’re not legit monsters.”

Jane nodded. “So, the solution here is obvious.”

“Is it?”

“We both swallow our pride—”

“Um—”

Jane laughed, wheezy. “Okay, we swallow our pride and you extend an olive branch—”

“Olive branch? We’re talking Dirk and co. here,” Roxy interrupted. “We’re gonna need a smaller olive forest.” 

Jane laughed. “Is...is that an official term?”

“No idea,” Roxy said. “But you were saying…”

“Right,” Jane smoothed out her collar. “What if we worked together?”

Roxy raised an eyebrow.

Jane wasn’t meeting her eyes. “Like, indefinitely.”

“What.”

“I don’t know, it seems like...we have the same goal, right?” Jane’s went on. “That goal being, you know, no one getting hurt.”

“Yeah, but you—”

“But we hurt a lot of people in misguided paranoia, I know.”

Roxy frowned. “Implying that well-guided paranoia—”

“Okay, yes, no!” Jane hid her face in her hands. “We were wrong!”

Roxy nodded. “Okay.”

Jane peeked out from her fingers.

Roxy smiled.

“That’s all you’re going to say?”

“Well, I agree with you.”

Jane laughed.

“How are you going to talk your grandfather and uncle into this?”

“Well, it’s the smart thing to do,” Jane shrugged. “You’re stronger than we are—”

“Yeah, we’ve covered that.”

“ _Shoosh!_ ” Jane laughed, more freely this time. “They can’t deny we’d be more productive if we focused our combined efforts instead of trying to fight you.”

“Plus, you suck at taking us down,” Roxy added.

“Plus that.”

Roxy leaned back. Breathed.

“Think I’d work?”

“I want it to work.”

More silence.

“So,” she dared speak up. “This means you trust me now?”

Jane tilted her head; the sun was illuminating her from behind, making her look almost ethereal. “I’m learning to.”

“Eh, good enough.”

“Do you trust me?”

Roxy stretched out her legs, sighed.

“That a ‘no’?”

“That a ‘if it weren’t for the other people in my life’...”

“That’s okay,” Jane nodded. “Trust is to be earned, after all.”

“Wow-zee, deep.”

Jane shoved her playfully. Roxy laid back on the roof, allowed herself to hope.

__

Tg: daveys future boyfriend and i bonded today

UU: !! that’s lovely!

Tg: ikr i feel like a proud mom

Tg: i mean we talked abt his suicidal drug using friends but

UU: oh no :U I hope they are okay?

Tg: i mean probs not but hes not talkin to them now

Tg: i think he sort of thought he single handedly gave this girl depression an

Tg: he reminded me of dirk a lil is that weird

Tg: ill tell rose shell make sure to milk the fact to its max dave-teasin possibilities ;)

UU: Hahah! I enjoy yoUr sibling-ly antics. 

Tg: eeh someone has to

UU: Oh shoosh, we both know you love yoUr siblings dearly!

Tg: busted

UU: <3

Tg: <3

UU: Speaking of, I talked aboUt my sibling today! 

UU: With a stranger!

Tg: oh?

Tg: ur fishin hook hit its target hmu w the story

UU: YoU are so silly. <3

UU: I met this person throUgh a mUtUal friend, and they had a similar experience bUt didn’t seem comfortable talking aboUt it.

UU: So I talked and it was...UnUsUal? I’ve never dwelt into so many details with anyone before.

UU: I’ve never dwelt into any details, actUally.

Tg: hmmmm

Tg: (this is me indicating im listening and interested)

UU: (Gotcha!)

UU: GUess what I’m trying to say is...it felt cathartic? 

UU: I don’t think holding it in was good for me.

UU: BUt I don’t think I’m ready to speak with more people aboUt it.

UU: (This is me apologizing for not talking aboUt it to yoU becaUse if it were any simpler I woUld becaUse I care aboUt yoU a lot and oUr friendship was perhaps the most important factor in me coming to terms with a lot of things)

UU: (And oh gosh that got rambly!)

Tg: !!!!!!!! callie

Tg: u dont need to apologize omg i completely get it

Tg: i am so flattered to even b talkin to u i couldnt care less if u can talk to other ppl abt stuff u cant tell me as long as u get them off ur chest and feel good yknow

Tg: ily a lot

UU: I love you too, Roxy. 

Tg: <3333333

UU: <3

__

**dpa**

tg: **(screenshot)**

tg: **(screenshot)**

tg: **(screenshot)**

tg: all of these are titled ‘jack noir is not afraid to double text’

TG: yeah i wasnt the best at math

TT: You were a mathlete.

TG: but that sure looks like more than two texts

tg: yeah hes clingy like that

tg: john!!! john look ur dad is alive

EB: That’s good.

gg: When are we getting him back?

tt: What did I miss?

tt: Oh hell no.

TG: dirk chill tf out

TG: john buddy i dont think breaking into wherever condy has him would be helping anyones case much 

EB: Well SS can probably find out!

tg: (pssssssssst his name is jack)

EB: Right, Jack.

EB: He’d tell Roxy he’s obviously into her or something.

tt: Okay, no.

TG: dude hes old

TA: lmao.

TG: sollux i swear to god you’ll get blocked

TA: by who?

tg: uhh me?

GG: me? 

TG: hahahha get rekt

TA: that was kinda hot ngl.

GG: :/

tg: ;D

AA: Oh?

TA: don’t pretend this is the first time something like this happened.

AA: Fair. 

gg: Sorry for interrupting...whatever this is?

gg: And, John, I’m sorry but we are *not* headlessly running into an obvious trap!

EB: Seriously??

tt: She’s dead serious man.

tg: diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirk

gg: But we need to do something and we need to do it *fast*! 

gg: She wants me, right? Can we...I don’t know. Trap her back?

gg: Do we even know where she is?

tt: Not really.

tt: Ever heard of the phrase ‘calm before the storm’?

gg: No, Dirk, I’ve never gone to high school.

TA: did a phrase just get used in its actual form?

TA: anyone else a little weirded out by that?

CC: Sollux sweetie stop sidetracking!!

CC: Meenah is trying to find her, but no luck so far, sorry :/

gg: Meenah?

CC: Uh yeah! 8)

EB: Who’s Meenah?

CC: 8)) someone help please??

TA: lmao

AA: My girlfriend is related to the woman we’re out to disembowel.

AA: Anyone who has a problem with that can take it up with me.

TA: that was kinda hot too.

TA: right, harley?

GG: :/

gg: Oh!! Sorry, didn’t know. Thank you so much for helping us!

TT: Yes, would you look at that. People standing up to their family’s wrongdoings. Who knew you could do that? Radical.

tg: lmao rose ive raised u well

TG: yeah doxx them

tg: ive failed u tho 

tt: I just realized Feferi’s aunt killed her girlfriend’s sister.

AA: I just realized your first crush tried to kill you.

AA: I am lying. I did not just realize that.

AA: I just wanted you to shut up.

EB: Okay, everyone needs to stop!

EB: I mean, if we’re using Jane as a bait, then we don’t really need to know Condy’s location, right? 

TA: anyone else feel weird using condy like that doesnt sound like a name that should exist outside a wacky webcomic.

TA: also why is he so down to sacrifice his cousin.

EB: I’m not!!

EB: Okay, I came off like I was, I’m sorry.

gg: It’s okay, John.

gg: And good point? She’ll come after me, won’t she?

gg: Roxy, can you contact Jack and tell him to tell the Condescension I’ll trade myself in for James?

tg: um is that rly a good idea

gt: Yes, Jane, is that a good idea?

gg: Wow, excuse me, Jake, do you have a better one?

TA: haha john is it too early to share condolences

TG: sollux cut it 

gg: I don’t actually plan on joining her or anything like that! 

TG: yeah no we get that but youre going to fucking die if she gets near you

TA: seriously what’s the plan, we shoot her? dunno if you remember but the last time you tried to shoot someone dirk is still in this chat.

gt: I’ll never live that down, will I?

tt: Seriously?

Tg: uh guys

tt: Yeah, we’ll stop.

tg: um not that

tg: i mean that too but

tg: weve got a prob bob

__

SS: Hey, kid, just in case you’re still alive.

SS: Condy’s hitting the town in three days.

SS: Plan fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got thoughts? let that comment box know !


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look its not that i dont have a preset publishing schedule its that i NEVER STICK TO IT

tg: sup

SS: Oh, thank god.

tg: not rly but ill take it

tg: what exactly did u mean by “hitting the town”

SS: Exactly what it says on the tin, kid.

tg: yeee sorry to break it to you but that really wasnt the most self-explanatory statement 

SS: She’s going to contact Crocker and offer to trade her dad for her pledge of allegiance or some crap.

SS: What’s your battle plan?

SS: ...

SS: Well, I guess that’s a no from the answer front.  
__

“Got a moment?”

Dirk glanced up from the laptop screen for a bare second, nodded. “Feel free to sit down.”

Sighing, Rose walked over to his bed, flopped down. 

He barely reacted. “Anything specific you want to talk about?” He was still typing, eyes glued to the screen. 

Rose was ready to swat his hand away. “You and Jake.”

He stopped typing. “That was straight-forward.”

“I know,” she smiled. “I can hardly recognize myself.”

He looked at her; the bags under his eyes were harsh purple.

“I know I might be betraying our conjoined aesthetic by not going into a professional sounding tangent only successful in thoroughly avoiding the topic at hand, but—”

“Oh, is that not what you’re doing?”

“ _But_ ,” she bit back a laugh. “Yes, the straight-forward approach seemed best fitting.”

“So about that approach—”

“What’ll it be with you and Jake?”

He paused. Pressed his lips together.

She raised her eyebrows.

“There’s no _it_ ,” he finally said.

“Just to be clear, I’m referring to the hard feelings relating your unfortunate run-in some years ago,” she added. “And not your unrequited crush, we all know that’s not leading anywhere.”

He took a moment to respond. “Harsh.”

She smiled again.

He fell into another beat of silence. “I don’t know what you want me to add to this.”

“To this conversation? Not much.” She shifted, bumped his shoulder with her own. “But we’re all trying to figure out the best way to stop an overpowered megalomaniac from taking out the city and there’s a high probability that the outcome might not be favourable.” A pause. “At least not for all of us.”

“So you’re saying I should forgive him because I might die?”

“Or he might die,” she nodded. “Or we all might.”

“Wow.”

“I’m not saying _forgive_ , I didn’t forgive them either.” Rose leaned into his side; he wrapped an arm around her. “Just...clear the air somewhat. Make sure you’re at the same page. Let him know he can trust you if it comes to that.”

“Can he?”

She peeked up at him. “That’s not a conversation to have with me, brother.”

He awkwardly patted her shoulder. “Don’t be so official.”

“Official, me?”

He did that awkward-laugh of his. “Right.”

“Will you talk to him?”

“Guess you’ve left me no choice.”

She rolled her eyes, extracted herself from his hold. “Whatever you need to believe.”

 

__

 

Karkat burst through the doors, out of breath. “What the fuck do you mean, three days?”

Rose’s face was the one his eyes landed on first. She gave him a small finger wave, smiled.

“Well, you know, what three days usually mean,” Dave was at the couch, knees up to his chest. “Three days, seventy two hours, four thousand—”

“Dave.”

He paused. “That.”

Kanaya gave the siblings a long gaze, then turned to face Karkat. “We need to have a word.”

She led him into her room; it was a cozy, well-lit space with a hint of green tea lingering in the air. Karkat fiddled with his hoodie sleeves, felt like an intruder.

“You should go visit Terezi.”

His head snapped up. “Come again?”

“Terezi. She wants to see you.” Kanaya was not meeting his eyes. “I talked to her and she’s...better.”

“Well that was extremely fucking convincing.”

“Karkat.” She gave him a levelled look. “She says she’s able to see visitors now and— well.” A more sincere smile. “She wants to talk to you.”

“She could have messaged me.”

“She’s nervous too,” Kanaya said. “Please?”

Karkat sighed. “Of course I’ll talk to her, jesus.”

Kanaya beamed.

“After this whole thing blows over,” he added. “If we make it.”

Her face fell again. “Karkat—”

“Yeah, don’t think I don’t see what shit you’re trying to pull here,” Karkat said. “You thought you had it on a hook and fucking reeled it but, newsflash, any shit regarding me will be the most sickly looking liquified diarrhea and you can’t take it anywhere—”

“ _Karkat._.”

“Meaning,” he paused. “I’m staying in the crossfire with all of you and you can’t stop me.”

She regarded him for a second, pursed her lips. “Is that a challenge?”

“Kanaya.”

“Sorry.”

A knock on the doors; Kanaya called a ‘come in’. 

Dave peeked through the doors, shades pushed up into his hair. “Everything okay here?”

“Yes, Dave.”

“Cool, ‘cause Roxy is here with food and intell.”

“We’ll join you in a second.”

Dave nodded one last time, then closed the doors. 

Kanaya turned back to Karkat. “Is there anything I can—”

“No.”

She squinted.

“Try something and I’ll make sure it backfires, Maryam.”

She sighed, laughed. “Guess I’ll just have to make Roxy lock you in.”

“Don’t you dare—”

She pulled him into a hug; he stood frozen for a second, before hugging her back. 

“I wouldn’t die on _purpose_ ,” he whispered.

“Not what I’m worried about,” she whispered back.

__

 

Sollux’ face was barely on the screen, squashed against Aradia’s cheek as she beamed at the camera. Feferi could be heard laughing in the background.

“Ah, sweet.” Roxy leaned back from the open laptop, waved back. “The gang’s all here.”

“Oh, are we skyping?” Dave was squirming his way between Jade and Rose, fingergunning the screen. “It’s like that one movie.”

“No,” Rose said.

Jade was scowling. “Unfriended?” 

“Yeah, the one.”

“Dave, no.”

Roxy was laughing. “Okay, no, no, we gotta focus.”

“Right,” Karkat hurried over, squinted at the screen. “Did you change your clothes at all in the last few days?”

“Who, me?” Sollux asked.

“Who the fuck else, yeastlicker.” 

Sollux choked on nir laugh. “Holy shit, sweet talk me to my death bed.”

“He did not,” Aradia supplied. “But he did change his underwear.”

“Change-change them or turn them over-change them?”

“Actually change, jesus christ.” Sollux looked offended. “I’m not gross.”

“Well, that’s news to me.”

“Not _that_ gross,” Sollux said; Feferi’s laughter grew louder. “Kaykay, Roxy, plan.”

“Wait,” Dave said, because _of course he did_. “Is Roxy the leader?”

“Yeah.”

“Yes.”

“Good morning, David.”

Roxy snorted, fake swooned. “I’m flattered.”

“You can do an acceptance speech once this piece of hubris has decomposed,” Karkat interrupted. “What do we do?”

There was a beat. Roxy and Dave exchanged looks.

“Oh, no, hell no.” Karkat crossed his arms against his chest. “Had this talk with Kanaya already but guess what, talking is my fucking specialty and I’ll repeat myself—”

“Gotcha,” Roxy interrupted, winked. “McShouty gets to stay. Now—”

“No, no he doesn’t,” Dave said, just as Sollux mouthed a soundless ‘fuck’.

“I want to stay too!” Feferi was suddenly on the screen, hair wet and eyes wide. “If he gets to stay I get to stay too, _Roxy_ —”

“I fucked up,” Roxy whispered.

“You fucked up,” Dirk confirmed.

“You know what, you can—”

“Roxy!” Feferi hit the table with an open palm; Sollux could be seen flinching back in the background. “It’s my family, I have more of a right, if you’re letting _Karkat_ stay then you don’t get to make me leave—”

“Wait, what’s going on?” Karkat asked, ignoring the way she said his name because, honestly, when it came to valuable skills he had none of those. “You were sending her away, where?”

Roxy had both hands pressed against her mouth, face red.

“We were evacuating the civilians,” Dirk was the one to answer. “Obviously.”

“Yeah, but—” Guess it did make sense. “Why—”

Dave was the one to interrupt, again. “Wait, did anyone tell him?”

A pause. Roxy and Dirk exchanged looks; the way Rose met his eyes made Karkat feel like a camera from the Office.

“In case someone doesn’t speak ‘avoidant silence’, what this meant was,” Karkat said. “ _No_ , you did _not_ tell him.”

“Welp,” Dave said.

Everyone was looking at Roxy. 

She pouted. “Why me?”

“You’re the democratically elected leader,” Rose said.

“I don’t like it,” Roxy was still pouting. “I’m protest voting.”

Dirk seemed almost amused. “Don’t even joke about that.”

Karkat felt like he would explode. “Tell me _what_?!”

“She has a bomb,” Sollux was the one to answer him. “Her impervious tyranny has a bomb, apparently.”

That. That wasn’t a response Karkat was expecting.

“See, he didn’t know, all protests to be erased from the court files,” Dave was rambling. “We send him home, cool? Cool.” 

Aradia ignored him. “It’s a sort of a back up plan, from what we understand.” 

Karkat could get on-board with that. “But you’re planning on pissing her off, so…”

She sighed. “So now we need to figure out a way to find it and shut it down as well as keeping Jane safe while we get James Egbert back.”

“Well, that sounds like a completely feasible plan.”

Dirk lowered his sunglasses, gave him a dry look. 

“What?”

“Nothing,” he glanced at his brother. “Found a right ray of sunshine, there.”

Dave didn’t even look at him. “Yeah, well, at least he didn’t shoot me yet.” He ignored Roxy’s surprised laugh as he leaned further down into the shot. “Look, Fef, I love and fear you—”

“Hey,” Sollux interrupted.

“Not your girlfriend,” Aradia hummed.

“But, like, we have enough shit hitting the fan for the industry to file a domestic violence report,” Dave ignored them both. “We’re going to be all over the fucking place and can’t afford to cover for you—”

“So don’t?” Feferi shot back. “We’re not a liability.”

“Okay,” Dirk was sitting up now. “Like fuck you’re not.”

Roxy shot him a warning look. He sat back down.

“Fef, I hear you and all, but.” Roxy sighed. “Really can’t have you here.”

“We’re not saying we want to be running straight into her lair with you!” Feferi was shouting. “That’s a ridiculous idea, I get that, but we can help in other ways and—”

“Right, and you can do most of those from outside the fucking city,” Sollux interrupted. “You’re not staying.”

“And since when are you in power to tell me what to do—”

“Okay, everyone shut up.” Karkat barked out— by some miracle, they listened. “We’re staying here.”

“Ye, you’re not an authority either,” Roxy said.

“Fuck the notion of authority, Feferi and I are god damn adults and we can decide what we want to do,” he said. “Really, fuck your communal self-sacrifice fetish, why do you think it’d do us much good to survive if all of you are dead?”

“Um,” Roxy said.

“And, _no_ , I do not mean that in the Young Adult protagonist ‘my life ends with you’ way, I mean that in the completely logical, if you can’t stop her, we’re screwed either way and will die sooner or later so might as well be sooner—”

“Or,” Dave interrupted. “We manage to double-KO it and no one in the town makes it out and—”

“Wow, I’m sorry, did your hero complex just talk?”

Dave’s jaw clenched. Karkat glared back, almost hoping the argument would escalate.

“Shoosh, both of you,” Roxy interrupted. “Dave has a point.”

“Thanks, mum.”

“I said, shoosh.” She turned to look at Karkat. “Jane is off talking to the town officials about evac as we speak, so I’m p sure you gotta go.”

“What? That’s dumb—”

“And, Fef,” she turned to the laptop, apparently finished with him. “It’s your family and I’d hate you if you did the same for me but—”

Karkat had never seen Feferi look that determined. “But _what_?”

“Um,” Roxy faltered. “Think of Meenah?”

Feferi blinked. “Excuse me?”

“You know—”

“Everyone in my family who knows what’s going on is on their way here right now,” she snapped. “And I am _not_ going to be the only one cowering away—”

“Let her stay,” Aradia interrupted.

Sollux opened his mouth to protest— she shut him up.

“Okay,” Dave hurried to say. “But Karkat is leaving.”

“Like fuck I—”

A knock to the back of his head; everything went black.

__

**dpa**

gg: Having to explain to a bunch of officials why you’re only letting them know about a threat of this caliber three days in advance and feeling like a scolded schoolgirl.

gt: It truly is mortifying.

GG: jake just apologized and the lady cop laughed.

tg: aw we believe in u <333

Tg: what are they sayin?

gg: Well, they wish we’d have come sooner but they’ll do it. 

gg. They think they can do it.

gg: It won’t be very subtle, though, so any element of surprise we might have is lost.

GG: she’ll probably guess someones been slipping us info, hope jack is okay ?? 

tt: I’m still not convinced he’s not lying.

tg: welp better safe than sorry

gg: My thoughts exactly.

gg: Also, can you tell John to stop being ridiculous?

tg: um 

tg: why me

GG: he’s refusing to be evacuated and we need an outsiders opinion to tell him he’s being DUMB !!

EB: i’m not leaving!!

tg: well 

tg: no offens but it is his dad soo

gg: :O Traitor!

TG: you can always knock him out and mail him out of town

TG: because that’s what we just did to karkat

GG: ??????????????????????????

gg: ???????????????

EB: you *what*?

EB: if anyone does that to me i’m suing!!

EB: is it even legal to mail people?

TG: yeah you just gotta poke some holes in the box so they can breathe 

EB: okay, he’s bullshitting us, right?

TG: you got me

EB: oh, thank god!!

TG: we poked no holes rip vantas nice knowing you

tg: le sigh

tg: hes not in a box

EB: oh my god, you were serious.

TT: I would just like to say, this was not my idea.

TG: no too late first rule of lesbian relationships is the blame is shared

TT: Please, David, we all know lesbians are devil worshipping anarchists.

GG: WHERE IS KARKAT

TG: feferis weird rich friend is driving him back to his hometown, everyone can chill

TG: also it wasnt my idea either

gt: Will anyone own up to the idea?

tg: probs not

gt: Alright! 

gg: I just need to double-check, Karkat Vantas is genuinely unconscious in a strangers car?

tg: i mean he probs woke up by now

tg: and i think he also knows the guy so

gg: Oh, okay then.

GA: See? She Understands.

gg: I was being sarcastic!!!!!1

GA: Oops.

__

CG: I will kill you.

GA: Love You Too, Karkat.

CG: No, no, FUCK you.

CG: Don’t you dare fucking die on me.

GA: It Wouldn’t Be On You.

CG: Not the point!!!

GA: Oh, Right.

GA: I Will Do My Best.

GA: After All, I Was Promised A Death Sentence By Your Hand.

GA: It’d Be Terribly Impolite To Fail To Show Up.

__

TG: sup

CG: are you fucking kidding me.

__

CG: I hate you.

CG: Eridan sends his regards.

TA: lmao

CG: I’ll ask him to move in with us.

TA: you won’t

CG: watch me??

TA: ill move in with aradia

__

EB: hey, you okay?

CG: no????

EB: oh.

EB: sorry?

CG: don’t fucking apologize, you weren’t in on it.

CG: right??

EB: i wasn’t!

CG: okay, let’s say i believe you.

EB: :D wow, one wall down, soon we’ll be the bestest of buddies! 

CG: har har.

EB: sucks they got you.

EB: they wanted me to leave town too but my dad is sort of kidnapped so they’re ethically obliged to let me stay.

CG: that’s what you think.

CG: watch your back.  
__

 

AG: Okay, quick question.

CG: jesus fried christ, why.

AG: How long have you known about demons?

CG: ??

AG: Don’t play dumb with me, Vantas.

AG: Unless you actually don’t know in which case, forget it??

AG: Like anyone would believe you, let’s be real.

CG: okay, what the fuck.

CG: reliable sources told me everyone from back home was human.

CG: though those sources did pull a few questionable moves lately so who am i to be surprised.

AG: Holy crap, I forgot how annoying you can be????????

AG: And chill out, Maryam doesn’t know about me.

CG: wait.

CG: hold the fuck up.

AG: Yeaaaaaaaah those two mean the exact same thing, stop wasting everyone’s time?

CG: what the fuck are you?

AG: Wow, that’s rude! You’d expect better phrasing from every letter on the lgbt alphabet.

CG: i’m two to three letters tops, shut your fucking

CG: no, no, you are *not* getting a rise out of me again.

CG: i’ve grown, i’ve matured, i’m above your bullshit.

AG: Awwwwwwww, you’re still trying so hard :)

CG: i will PUNCH you in the VAGINA serket i swear to god????

CG: WHAT ARE YOU?

AG: Wow, touchy much????????

AG: And I’m recently turned, thank you for asking politely.

CG: oh.

CG: how recently?

AG: Like two years, who the fuck remembers.

CG: who the fuc

CG: no, you know what, if you want to pretend your own death didn’t phase you who am i to protest.

CG: sorry it happened to you?

AG: Okay, hold your fucking pity, I’m just here for intell.

CG: excuse me?

AG: Getting gamzee to raid james egbert’s house? Reconnecting with kanaya? You’re obviously involved with the Strider-Lalondes.

AG: What’s the whole three day evacuation deal about? Is it the Condesce?

CG: is she your new homicidal crush because i am *so* not encouraging that.

AG: UGHHHHHHHH WHY ARE YOU SO ANNOYING.

CG: FUCKING RICH, SERHYPOCRITE.

AG: Okay, first of all that’s the crappiest insult you ever used and, boy, you used many???????

AG: Secondly, if it’s her they’re going to want my assistance, duh?

CG: sure they are.

AG: Don’t give me attitude, I’m not your ex.

CG: ouch.

AG: :)

CG: that was sarcastic, you self-centered disaster.

CG: stick and stones and you are irrelevant.

AG: Whatever you need to say to make yourself feel better!!!!!!!!

AG: Look, Eridan told me you didn’t leave on your own will.

CG: he what??

AG: Yes, I play all the men in our lives like fiddles, what else is new.

CG: i will pay you to stop talking.

AG: With what, Mr english major, free oscar wilde trivia? 

CG: get to your point.

AG: I can get us both back to the culprit.

AG: Not replying? Knew it’d get you to bite.

CG: i don’t even need to see your face to be sickened by that smirk, wipe it off.

AG: :))))))))

CG: what do you want in return?

AG: Just quickly brief me in on everything that’s happening! No ulterior motives.

CG: well, that was convincing.

AG: Something about beggars and choosers.

CG: yeah, i’ll obviously say yes to whatever you ask for.

AG: Good!

AG: Get Eridan to drop you off at my place, he knows the address.

AG: And hurry up!! I have a world to save ::::D

__

_**november 1st, 2015** //three days later _

__ 

)(IC: hey grrrrl

)(IC: heard u got all prepped for me and all xxxxxxx

)(IC: come and get im 

)(IC: ;*

__

**dpa minus karkat**

TG: day three of karkat not texting back, should we be worried?

GA: Eridan Swears He Is Fine.

GA: He’s Been Spending A Lot Of Time With Terezi, Which I’d Say Is Good?

TA: hahah ok so tl;dr on the condescension deal

TA: cons: we all might die

TA: pros: karkat is getting back with his high school sweetheart

GA: Wouldn’t Say That’s What’s Going On.

GA: Their Romantic Prospects Are Far Beyond Fixing, I Think.

GA: And I’m Not Just Saying That To Spare Dave’s Feelings.

TG: wait what

TT: <3

EB: hey, can I ask something?

TT: You can try.

EB: why does Kanaya type like that?

GA: Like What?

EB: um.

TG: dont fuck with him maryam he doesnt know how to talk to women

EB: hey!

TG: just the truth dude

GA: Apologies, John. I Was, As They Say, Fucking With you.

TA: lmao

GA: Sollux Sent Me A Virus Once As A Joke And I Decided To Keep It In Retaliation.

TA: sickest burn ever

GA: He’s Never Recovered.

EB: oh! Hahah, that’s funny.

EB: rose, your girlfriend is funny.

TT: I know.

TG: okay whats going on

AA: friendly banter, i believe.

AA: in other news, today is the day condescension is to arrive.

AA: in case someone forgot.

TA: jesus christ aa never change

AA: wasn’t planning to.

gg: About that!

gg: What a great opening, thank you, Aradia! :)

tg: um babe r u ok

gg: no!!

gg: (screenshot)

gg: it’s happening!!

__

**benched before the game even started support group**

GA: ITS HAPPENING. 

CG: what’s happening?

CG: joking, joking, let me put on my shoes.

__

**dpa minus karkat**

CC: So, all of the cameras seem to be on and the view is clear! 8D 

CC: Everyone feeling ok?

AA: yup. <3

GG: yeah. <3

CC: <3

TA: aw

TA: i mean, yes

tg: cocked and ready to fire ;D

TG: what she said

TG: dirks here too were looking good

tg: sexy but not like youre trying?

TG: like sure were trying but its almost effortless

tt: jesus christ, roxy, don’t encourage him.

TT: John, Kanaya and I are all in position too. 

gt: We’re locked in and exuberantly awaiting! 

TG: hahahha what the fuck

TG: wheres jade btw

GG: right where I should be! :B

TG: heck yea go get it girl

GG: <3 :D

tg: fef, stat report?

CC: i can still see everyone!

CC: no sign of )(IC yet, though 8/

TG: hic

EB: hic.

tt: Do you need to hold your breath and count to one hundred?

CC: boys!! Behave 8(

CC: oh no oh no someones approaching dirk and dave !!

TG: on it

tg: nop nop off it its just jack

tt: ?? Explain.

tg: um he just messaged me saying he saw you

tg: think he wants to chitchat

tt: Really?

tg: no dont tell him anythin important lmao

TG: got it

CC: OKAY IT’S HAPPENING D8

TG: what

TG: where making it dude wher

CC: Fuck!!!!!

GG: ??

gg: She’s here.

CC: Jane?? Your camera is out I’m worried 8//

tg: were off to help her hows the rest holdin up

CC: Jake’s under attack but ?? I think he’s managing?

GG: oh no how bad is it

gg: Stick to the plan, I’m serious!!

gg: I have this.

EB: no, no, you can’t *have* this, it’s unhaveable, we’re coming!

AA: jade, sollux and I are doing fine on the Egbert rescue mission

AA: if you want to go help jake you can.

GG: really?

CC: um

CC: Hahah funny story but karkat just pulled up next to Jake

GG: what????? 

CC: OKAY JACK GOING ROGUE HES ATTACKING

tg: oh ill fuckin end him

TA: ??

CC: wait there is someone on the 

CC: terezi is here??

CC: why are they here???

GA: Oh My God.

GA: Oh My God, I Will Kill Her.

CC: Who?

CC: Whats going on??

GA: Vriska Serket Is Going On.

GA: Who Fucking Else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so do you guys remember collide #tbt
> 
> sometimes i think about how utterly fucked the story flow of this thing is but then i remember act 7 and feel better?
> 
> comments are love pls


	19. Chapter 19

Dirk’s left side was aching; there were silver and black dots in the edges of his vision, threatening to take over.

“Woah, dude.” The person next to him cackled, their hand still pressing the folded shirt to his neck. “Nearly lost your head there.”

_Funny_ , he tried to say. Wondered if this was what dad felt like when—

“Oh my god, _Dirk?_ ” A familiar voice to his other side. “Did Jack—”

“Dave’s still there with him,” the person interrupted. Roxy tensed— her hand was on Dirk’s neck too, warm through the fabric.

_Or was it the blood?_ Probably blood.

“He’ll be okay,” she whispered— Dirk wanted to ask whether she meant him or Dave, decided she didn’t know herself.

“Yeah!” The stranger grinned. “Also, I told him to keep watch until you show up so, if you want to go get him—”

Roxy was staring at them. “What’s your name?”

“Terezi!” They reached out with their free hand, all scratched up and splattered with blood. “Pyrope. Nice to meet you!”

Roxy shook her hand. “Karkat’s Terezi?”

Their grin never faltered. “Not any more!”

Roxy laughed.

“But for real, I got your moody brother number one,” Terezi finger-gunned. “Go get Karkat his boyfriend back.”

Roxy met Dirk’s eyes. He nodded.

“If you die, I will revive and then redead you,” she whispered. 

Dirk didn’t doubt for a second that she was serious.

“I’ll help!” Terezi added. “Now—”

“Yeah, yeah, gotcha.” 

Roxy was gone.

The cloth pressed against his neck was soaking through.

“You sure that’s going to heal?” Terezi asked. “Feels nasty.”

He couldn’t reply.

“Oh, you can’t speak, right.” Terezi nodded. “Bummer. I’m blind, so.”

_Well._

“Vris isn’t, though!” She cheered up again. “She’ll be here any second.” Her face fell, just barely. “I hope.”

Dirk tried to swallow. 

__

_She was going to_ end _him, like yeah not that she’d ever trusted him but_ holy—

They were both on the ground, Dave cross-legged and with his phone out, Jack curled up on the floor.

Roxy stopped in her tracks. _What the fuck._

“Oh, hey.” Dave noticed her first, put his phone away. “Was almost scared no one would come, ha.”

“Dave,” she said. “What’s going on?”

He shrugged. “Karkat’s ex showed up out of nowhere and whacked Jack with her cane and she told me to watch him and she still had the cane so I wasn’t about to question her authority—”

Roxy’s eyes moved onto Jack’s form; he looked like he was struggling to breathe. “Laced?”

Jack cough-laughed. “What gives?”

Dave was climbing to his feet. “Is Dirk okay?”

“Good q,” she said. “Go get him.”

He stood there for a second, then shrugged again. “I’ll be back asap.”

“Atta boy,” she squeezed his shoulder. “Now shoo.”

“Yes, mom.” He gave Jack a quick wave. “See you later, dude.”

Jack gave him a thumbs up.

Roxy waited for Dave to get away before approaching Jack’s form.

“Hey there kid.” His voice was a little shaky. “Nice to see you’re holding up.”

“I’ll fucking murder you,” she said. 

He didn’t seem surprised. “So you’ve seen your other brother.”

“Yeah, no shit, what the fuck.” 

He grimaced. “Sorry.”

She kicked him in the torso; he rolled away.

“Okay, fuck, stop—”

“Um, no.”

“She told me to take them out and I had to keep up the appearances—”

“I don’t care?”

“I didn’t plan on actually harming him, it just—”

She kicked him again. 

“ _Jesus christ_ —” he wheezed. “She killed your mother.”

Roxy froze mid-another kick.

He was looking up at her, face a little tear-stained and oddly vulnerable. “I mean, Daisy Egbert, but from I got she was kind of raising you too — ow— Was there when she talked to Egbert _please don’t hit me again_.”

Roxy’s mouth was growing numb.

“I’m not lying, I swear.” He was trying to sit up. “She said— she said there was collateral but she left this kid alive and I—” He stopped talking. “You okay?”

“‘M not buying that,” she muttered.

“Then why are you crying?”

She kicked him again. Just for good measure.

__

**dpa minus karkat**

GA: I Will Kill Vriska Serket.

tg: u can do anythin if u put ur mind to it <3

GA: Thank You.

tg: btw situation report?

GA: A lot is happening.

CC: Aradia and Sollux got Mr. Egbert out!!!

TA: you’re fucking welcome

tg: <3

tg: wheres the dude rn

CC: They’re going to drop them off near Condy Sit and then off to locate the bomb, I think?

tg: im omw

GA: Oh, Thank God.

GA: We’re Losing Here.

CC: its not THAT bad!!

GA: Feferi.

CC: alright its terrible But!! I believe in you

GA: <3

tg: so vriska isnt much help eh

GA: Not To Imply That She Could Be But, She Left.

tg: what

CC: yup

tg: left where

CC: i have a hunch 8((

__

tg: hey sol be a sweetie for a sec

TA: im sort of busy here

tg: yea yea ill be super quick i promise 

tg: put johns dad on the line for a quickie

TA: lmao he just gave me the weirdest look ANYWAYS

TA: YES?

tg: hahha how old r u

tg: did condy tell you smth about daisy

TA: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

tg: so she did

TA: BE MORE PRECISE

Tg: did the big mean woman kill ur wife 

TA: YES. 

TA: alright never letting weird old men touch my phone this feels unorganic

TA: wait what

TA: holy shit roxy

TA: lalonde fucking answer me

__

CG: where the fuck are you??

GC: about to head to my place wyd

CG: dave?

GC: yeah its me haha shouldve probably mentioned that she gave me her phone because i was apparently too distracting

GC: she being terezi wow i keep doing this

GC: this being not making much sense but thats life

GC: hey funny story we dated the same girl

CG: holy shit are you 

CG: wait, what.

GC: and yeah were fine i mean dirk is bleeding but hell be okay i think

GC: tz and me are both without a scratch mostly

CG: ?! what happened?

CG: and yeah, jake and i got this under control and now he’s angry with me for being here but also freaking out because they don’t trust vriska and, honestly, who can blame them, but yeah she’s awol and no one is sure where she is and

CG: oh fuck.

CG: oh fuck me.

GC: arent you ace

GC: also vriska isnt answering rezi and shes kind of freaking out so if we could get an update whenever you find out

GC: karkat?

__

CG: is she going to get them all kill by trying to out-asshole a literal explosive device?

CC: :(  
__

GA: Get Back Here.

GA: I Am Not Kidding, Vriska, Come Back.

GA: I Am Very Cross With You And If You Die Before I Get To Make You Hear It, I Will Be Even Crosser.

__

“Goodness!”

Karkat had to push Jake’s frozen frame all the way into the apartment, slammed the doors behind himself. “What the fuck.”

“Karkat!” Terezi’s grin grew. “You’re here!”

“No shit,” he was on his feet, helping Jake clear out the couch so that the duo could set Dirk— the very unconscious, generously bleeding Dirk—down. “Good to see you’re okay.”

“I’d say the same, but.”

Dave wheeze-laughed. “Holy shit, I love you.” 

“Sorry, you’re taken.”

“That’s— wait, what.”

Terezi laughed her signature high-pitcher. Dave’s face was red. 

“Focus!” Jake snapped. They did.

“He’ll be all cool in a sec,” Dave whispered, probably to himself. “Cooler than a polar bear before the whole global warming shizbizz kicked in, 30 Fahrenheit extravaganza ice cold, just need to — yeah.”

He wandered off into his room— Jake and Karkat shared a look, and Karkat shrugged.

“Probably getting a dead thing,” he said.

Jake blinked. “A what now?”

“He has a bunch of them in his room.”

“Pardon?”

“Like, in jars.” Karkat nodded. “Taxidermy.”

Dirk was glaring at them both. Terezi cleared her throat.

“Right,” Jake moved. “Let us get you comfortable, you’ll be right as rain in no time.”

Dirk’s met Karkat’s eyes; Karkat shrugged again.

“You okay?” he turned to ask Terezi. 

She beamed. “Right as rain!”

“Cool, let’s keep making fun of Jake’s accent,” Dave was back, a jar full of dead hamster in his hands. “Guys, meet Cheeto, Cheeto, meet your second death.” 

He opened the jar almost lovingly. Karkat felt weirdly touched.

“Do I just…”

“God damn it,” Karkat took the jar off Dave’s hands, dumped it on the ground. “Done.”

Jake looked scandalised.

Terezi prodded the dead hamster with her cane. “That Cheeto?”

Dave nodded, like she could see him. “Short for cherry tomato.”

Terezi’s face lit up. “Oh, I love cherry tomatoes!”

“Yeah, they’re tight as hell.”

Jake was still looking down at Dirk, face screaming Worry. The aforementioned didn’t seem aware of much, leaning back with eyes fluttered shut.

“Will he be okay?” Karkat asked, voicing Jake’s obvious thoughts.

“Yeah, yeah, no prob bob.” Dave’s head was bobbing. “He just needs some time to recharge his batteries and you know you’re not supposed to use your phones when they’re charging but you still do, that’s kind of happening right now but Dirk’s not a phone and he literally can’t be used r-n so—”

Dirk cracked one eye open, mouthed a ‘shut up’. His hand was still gripping the stained rag to his neck; he looked, well, bad.

“Sorry?” Dave’s voice was impassive, foot beating out a rapid rythm against the stained carpet. “Couldn’t hear that.” 

Dirk rolled his eyes, closed them again.

Terezi laughed. 

“So—”

“He’ll be fine,” Karkat interrupted. “We have other problems, though.”

Terezi’s spine straightened.

“You’re not going back in there, no.” 

Terezi pouted.

“Uh, not to get in the crossfire, but—” Dave spoke up.

Karkat glared.

“She was pretty fucking efficient _stop glaring at me jesus_.”

“I was!” Terezi piped in.

“Also, you aren’t supposed to be here either, so.”

“Well—”

“Well, nothing!” Jake cut him off. “You were brought here by a woman compromising the entire mission—”

“What mission, _Jake_ ,” Karkat snapped back. “Everything had gone to shit long before we’d shown up!” 

Terezi wasn’t talking.

Dave, not surprisingly, was. “Yeah, I can see the tensions are high and I can respect that because, wow, shit, things are intense but—”

Jake frowned. “Oh, you can shut—”

Dirk kicked him in the shin. Jake looked ridiculously offended.

Dave continued, unperturbed. “And like, not all of us were involved in making this bed but we sure as fuck are all lying it so might as well wank it out, you know.”

Dirk looked like he was in physical — well, more physical pain. 

Jake frowned. “What in the god’s name.”

Dave nodded. “Yeah.”

“I agree with him!” Terezi piped in. “Well. I think?”

Dave was still nodding. “That too.”

“What I think he’s trying to say,” Karkat rubbed his forehead. “Is that it’s kind of late to be arguing over whether we should be here?”

Dave, still nodding. “You got it, dude, knew I could count on you—”

“So, as we already are here, we might as well be useful.” Karkat raised his chin, daring Jake to argue. His jawline was way too nice and Karkat was aching to deck him. “I mean. Except for Terezi. She should probably stay.”

Jake sighed. “That makes no—”

“Karkat, I am _not_ —”

“Oh my god,” Dirk’s voice was raspy, barely there, but still enough to get them all to shut up. “Weird girl is the only reason Dave and I are alive. Let her do her thing.”

Terezi beamed. “Damn right.”

Jake was scowling. “Hey, now—”

“Shut the fuck up, Jake.”

Jake looked ready to snap back. 

“Oh my god,” Terezi lifted her cane, whacked the back of Jake’s neck. 

“ _What the blood_ —”

“There’s a bunch of rascals out to break law and kill your families,” she cut him of. “We need to _go_.” 

__

**dpa minus karkat**

TG: yo karkat jake tz and i are on the way

TA: uh

GA: What The Fuck

__

SS: Seeing as I am as good as dead.

SS: **(location)**

SS: It’s here and the men set to guard it are about to jet.

SS: No reason to trust me, I know, but

SS: Holy shit, I hope you get this right.

__

tg: **(location thats probs a trap)**

AA: we’ll check it out.

__

_dpa minus karkat_

tt: anyone there?

CC: I am!!

CC: How are you doing?

tt: my head nearly came off clean so, never better.

TG: its ok bro i believe one day youll achieve the full headless horseman aesthetic

tt: don’t you have things you should be doing?

TG: yeah anyways

TG: whats up with vriska

CC: Well, uh.

CC: Last we saw her, she was nearing where aradia and sollux were?

CC: We think she knows something we don’t about condy’s bomb 8/

TG: oh thats cool

TG: by cool i mean really nonsensical and she sounds like dirk

tt: i was going to be offended but I’ve got some self-awareness.

tt: what’s the worse case scenario?

TG: fishgirl dont answer hes about to soliloquy

tt: she overestimates her own abilities and ends up dooming us all because she was too stubborn to accept help?

TG: okay shes not like literally you

CC: !! right, this is very cute but you both need to stop!!

CC: Aradia and Sollux are still there and I trust them to know what they’re doing!! 

CC: kind of !!

CC: So even if she doesn’t do whatever she thinks she’s doing, Sollux will probubbly be able to disassemble any explosive device 8) 

TG: wow

TG: that was so beautifully delusional

CC: 8/

__

**dpa minus karkat**

gt: A bunch of bad guys just...left?

gt: I mean i am not complaining, but.

tt: “bad guys”

tg: stfu dirk

tg: i think those were jacks pals

tt: you’re still in contact with him?

tg: i mean he keeps messagin me and i give those msgs a look but

tg: idk i think this means he was being legit?

tt: roxy, for the love of god.

tg: look he has this chaotic neutral schitck going on i thought youd understand

tg: ill still fucking kill him out of sheer siblingly revenge dw 

tt: wow, all my worries just disappeared.

tg: but yea i think hes...leaving?

gt: Well. odd!

gt: How are things looking over there?

tg: well rly bad

tg: cuntys trying to get to janey whos trying to knock out these lil ppl trying to separate us

gt: Need help?

tg: jfc yes pls

__

“John, oh my god.”

Jade’s arms were around him before he could react, an almost overpowering smell of sweat and blood and — was that blood? Let’s say not.

He patted her back, a little awkward. His heartbeat was starting to slow down. 

“First successful mission,” he cheered into her hair.

Her laugh sounded like she was crying. She probably was. “Yes.”

“And yours….many timeth successful mission!”

“We don’t know if it’s a success yet, young man.” Jake’s arm landed on his back in a really sad attempt to mimick his grandpa. 

John stuck his tongue out at him, still in Jade’s grasp. “Nice to see you survived...old man?”

Jake winked, squeezed his shoulder. _Don’t start crying._

__

Dirk was already in the apartment when they entered; pacing by the window, a dead bird on the floor. 

Rose froze at the doorway, stared him down.

“Sup,” he said; he was standing up, mid living room; obvious signs of pacing.

“What happened to you?” 

She could almost feel his eye roll — like brotherly deflections could distract her at _this_ moment. “Got benched.”

There was a pale line of scarring on his neck; she nodded. “Well, good to see you’ve healed up nicely. 

“Where’s the rest?” He asked; the slight movement of his head gave away he was peering over her shoulder. “What’s going on? No one was active in the chat and —”

Kanaya pushed her way into the apartment, closed the doors. “Condescension is dead.”

Rose, who was slightly rough-housed during the dramatic entrance, huffed; Kanaya rolled her eyes, pecked her cheek.

“What,” Dirk said.

Kanaya looked at him, blinked. “Was I not clear or—”

“You just drop on me that the suicide mission we all unanimously agreed on was a success—” it was coming out in one breath. Oh boy. “And then just right-track into domestic PDA, yeah, sure, proceed.”

Rose reached out. “It’s okay, Dirk.”

He shifted from her hand. “Not right now, sweetie.”

She snorted. He eyed her hand, still outstretched, very reminiscent of The Creation of Adam; bumped it.  
“Can I get an actual explanation now?” he asked, once they were both sufficiently amused with themselves.

Kanaya cleared her throat. “Well—”

John burst through the door. “Guys, we’re here—”

Dirk groaned.

“Um,” John paused. “What’s his issue?”

Rose smiled, hooked their hands, “Would you like the short answer or—”

“Kanaya?” Dirk pleaded. “Can you—”

“I’d love to,” Kanaya looked downright apologetic. “But I am finding this too amusing—”

“What, are we not telling him what happened?” John frowned. “That’s not fair!”

“Thank you.”

“I mean, we have no idea what happened with the rest—”

“They stopped answering.”

“But Condy is dead!”

Dirk was watching their interaction with clenched jaw. “For the love of god.”

“Don’t bring him into this.”

“ _Rose_.”

“Did anyone hear back from Vriska?” Kanaya was scrolling through her phone. “Feferi, Sollux and Aradia are all not responding, and —”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Dirk snapped. “Will someone tell me what happened to the Condescension?!”

Silence. Doors closing; _right, they’d left them open_.

Dirk’s eyes trailed up to the doorway. Jaw dropped.

Rose didn’t have to turn around to know what he was looking at; Roxy, grinning victoriously despite a broken nose, shirt coated in blood that was mostly not her own but only mostly—

A peek; ah, and how could Rose forget, Dirk’s katana gripped in one bruised fist.

Dirk closed his mouth. “That’s mine.”

Roxy nodded; her eye-liner was beyond smudged, hair slicked back with sweat. “Borrowed it.”

He nodded. “Put it to good use?”

“You’d be proud.” She walked over; there was a slight limp to her step. “Did you name it?”

“Not really.”

She handed the sword over. “I did.”

“Of course.”

“But it’s a secret.”

“I respect that,” he accepted it, still dumb-founded. “Roxy.”

“Dirk.”

“What happened?”

She smiled again; Rose noticed, now, that she had blood all over her teeth. _Grisly._

“Me,” she winked.

Dirk blanched, laughed.

“So we can totes chill with the revenge now,” she wiped at her face, shook her hair out. “Shit’s fuckin’ exhausting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is clearly not the final chapter.....sat in my drafts for cca ten months and after a story block the length of an average pregnancy i've decided to post what I have. this story is messy and all over the place but also very dear to my heart and i want to give it a proper ending and There's No way In Hell im quitting on it so. thank you if you're still hanging around, see you soon (hopefully D: )
> 
> ((tumblr is still the-onion-slut come say hi. talk about taz / 17776 / whatever else is being called the new homestuck these days))

**Author's Note:**

> Liked this? Give kiss,consume (also known as p2 of the series) a read it's kinda plot relevant :D
> 
> have a nice day babs! thank you for reading <3


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